Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[BonesMS]

Interesting to say the least!

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Dan-Snyder-is-trying-to-get-a-newspaper-reporter?urn=nfl-315778

[BonesMS]

Tried to communicate with the lender of my student loans.  I've mentioned to them that I'm dealing with Voc. Rehab. in trying to find work but have been unsuccessful.  I don't think the lender has even noticed that I'm approaching 60!  Do they realize that the chances of finding full-time employment, at my age, with my disabilities and health issues, are slim and none?  I have NO idea what I'm going to do about the student loans on top of the tax bill I have to pay!!!

Bones

[BonesMS]

 

[BonesMS]

I may be paranoid and, at the same time, this does NOT sit right with me:

A bit of background, I'm also on another forum/bulletin board and this individual originally asked me to relay a message to the moderator, which I did so.  (The moderator has not responded, which is her perogative.)  Then I got another request to relay a message to a Newbie, who just recently joined the forum/bulletin board (and an absolute TOTAL stranger to me).  I expressed my discomfort about being put "in the middle" and suggested that she communicate directly with this Newbie.  (After all, she is supposed to be a grown-up even though I didn't add that comment about being a grown-up).

This is her response from my FB private message page:

   
(FB Acquaintance)February 3, 2011 at 11:02pm

Re: Heya!

I'm avoiding it. I don't mean to put you in the middle but (moderator) and I aren't fighting or anything so I don't see how you'd be in the middle of anything. I just can't get in touch with her. But a new member called (Newbie) needs the heads up about something. Just give that person my email, if you please.

=============================================================================

My feeling is that she is saying the following:  "I don't mean to put you in the middle but...(I'm putting you in the middle anyway because I don't want to be responsible for my own communication).

My response?  I deleted the e-mail conversation without responding any further.  I've already expressed my discomfort about being put in the middle and it feels like she has glossed over and ignored what I said about this situation.  My perspective is that she needs to put on her "Big Girl Pants" and take care of her own communications since she is obviously lurking on this other forum/bulletin board otherwise she would have never noticed that Newbie has just joined.  I was willing to relay the original message to the moderator because I was under the impression that this person was having technical difficulties.  Now that a complete TOTAL stranger has become part of the equation, I have NO desire to get involved between her and Newbie.  I don't "have a dog in the fight" and I prefer to keep it that way!

Your thoughts?

Bones

[Guest]

Well done Bones!

I might have responded one more time to say "I hear you, I'm afraid I can't/won't do that." (choose which, it doesn't really matter). But ignoring works too. I've discovered the ease of ignoring. It's like an in-tray. If it's urgent or important it will rise to the top again. If it's not, it will eventually go away/become irrelevant.

[BonesMS]

Well done Bones!

I might have responded one more time to say "I hear you, I'm afraid I can't/won't do that." (choose which, it doesn't really matter). But ignoring works too. I've discovered the ease of ignoring. It's like an in-tray. If it's urgent or important it will rise to the top again. If it's not, it will eventually go away/become irrelevant.

Thanks, Guest!

I also feel like this person just gaslighted me, i.e. "You're not in the middle but you REALLY ARE IN THE MIDDLE between me and Newbie as well as between me and Moderator".  I had enough of that growing up and I definitely DON'T need it from someone that I've never met in person.  Since I've already told her that I am NOT comfortable with what she is trying to do, i.e. putting me in the middle of her mess, and she has attempted to ignore/justify/gaslight/etc., I feel like I've already said what I've needed to say to her and don't feel like repeating what I've already said to her.

Bones

[Guest]

She's trying to make her stuff your responsibility Bones and that's just dumb. We're all responsible for own stuff, our actions etc and people who try and force their will on others need a reality check....not that it probably does any good; I guess she'll just look for another victim eh? People!

(I don't use the term gaslighting because I'd rather say what it is, you know? Gaslighting sounds a bit ghostly and woowoo!)

[BonesMS]

She's trying to make her stuff your responsibility Bones and that's just dumb. We're all responsible for own stuff, our actions etc and people who try and force their will on others need a reality check....not that it probably does any good; I guess she'll just look for another victim eh? People!

(I don't use the term gaslighting because I'd rather say what it is, you know? Gaslighting sounds a bit ghostly and woowoo!)

Thanks, Guest.

What I meant by "gaslighting" was her attempt to make me doubt my perception of what she attempted to do such as denying she was putting me in the middle while actually putting me in the middle of her communications with the moderator.  When she started to triangulate Newbie into the equation, I felt that enough was enough.

You're right!  People!   

Bones

[Guest]

Bones, I like it - they have you doubting your own perception = gaslighting - I said to my H recently: when i feel confused about someone doing/saying whatever....that's the start of the warning signs. Everyone at risk needs some kind of training I reckon. Ha! I've just remembered a girl tryng to do that to me when I was about ...10 years old. Wonder where she ended up? At age 10! Sheesh.

[BonesMS]

Bones, I like it - they have you doubting your own perception = gaslighting - I said to my H recently: when i feel confused about someone doing/saying whatever....that's the start of the warning signs. Everyone at risk needs some kind of training I reckon. Ha! I've just remembered a girl tryng to do that to me when I was about ...10 years old. Wonder where she ended up? At age 10! Sheesh.

I'm glad this Board is here to help us learn to recognize Red Flags such as gaslighting.  This could be included in a "Sticky" to help other Newbie Survivors of N's to recognize that they are NOT losing their minds when an N attempts to convince them that they are NOT seeing what they are REALLY seeing!

Bones

[Hopalong]

Bones,
I was really impressed to read that interaction.

What a great example of your growth! You did not accept being baited, you didn't take the hook, you maintained a healthy boundary, and you kept your peace with letting something go that you could not control.

You also chose not to step into a triangle, and you respected your own wisdom and intuition about what was happening.

BRAVO.

xo
Hops

[BonesMS]

Bones,
I was really impressed to read that interaction.

What a great example of your growth! You did not accept being baited, you didn't take the hook, you maintained a healthy boundary, and you kept your peace with letting something go that you could not control.

You also chose not to step into a triangle, and you respected your own wisdom and intuition about what was happening.

BRAVO.

xo
Hops

Thanks, Hops.

I just can't understand why people do such things as what this FB Acquaintance tried to do with me.

Bones

[BonesMS]

This may be another sign of growth for me that occurred a few hours ago.

I attended a meeting and, while I was waiting for the meeting to begin, I was working on crocheting my afghan.  Another acquaintance, who I barely tolerate due to personality differences, walks over to where I'm sitting and announces:  "Oh, you're making that for ME?!?!?!?"  (I encountered that in high school and that kind of comment STILL annoys the heck out of me!)  When I was still a teenager, I would also try to people-please, which got me nowhere.  Now, as I push towards the age of 60, I have LESS tolerance for stupidity.  When this acquaintance attempted to claim my afghan, I bluntly said:  "NO!"  This person demanded WHO I was making it for and I responded:  "ME!  IT'S MY AFGHAN!" 

What is WRONG with people?!?!?!?     Geez!

Bones

[Guest]

  Bones I have experienced the exact same thing (though not with crocheting). What is it, that they want your attention on them and not on what you're doing? Envy probably too. People-junk! I like your response.

[BonesMS]

Bones I have experienced the exact same thing (though not with crocheting). What is it, that they want your attention on them and not on what you're doing? Envy probably too. People-junk! I like your response.

Thanks, Guest.

What also gets me very irritated is that no matter what I am working on, there always seem to be at least one moron who approaches me with the demand of:  "I WANT!!! GIMME!!!!"  I'm at the point in my life where I prefer to look them in the eye and respond:  "F____ OFF!"

Bones