Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[BonesMS]

Iphi-

Release the hounds! That is cool. Unfortunately, my own mismatched set of rescued hounds might give someone laughing fits, but they do not have that Rottweler effect!

Bonesy- can you believe that I just figured out what BonesMS is??!!??? Bonsey Mistress of Science. How utterly beautiful- I am so proud of you!!!

Love,
Changing

  Thanks, Changing!

Bones

[BonesMS]

Dear Bones,

I only want to know one thing...

what color are your toenails???

 

and Iphi.... I'll have to try that on the UPS driver next time he comes 'round.... Release the hounds!!!  lol
Today he saw my precious little Daisy Dawg's very large brown head at the open window (and heard her ferocious woo woo WOO) and opted for leaving the package outside the back door. Who needs to knock when you've got a built in visitor-announcement-system! 

Thanks, Hope!

The bottle of nail polish said "French Manicure" and it looks like a "flesh" color.  I'm looking forward to my next pedicure!   

Bones

[BonesMS]

Nfriend just sent me an e-mail assuming that I had nothing to do and nowhere to go on Monday, wanting me to help her with her mother's doctors' appointments.  I was quite blunt when I stated that I will not allow her to jam up my schedule and make me late for work, mother or no mother.

Bones

[changing]

Hi Bonesy-

Next time tell her you broke a nail and you need to get it polished- STAT! Then sic the dogs on her (maybe recordings of dogs?)

Love Changing

[BonesMS]

Hi Bonesy-

Next time tell her you broke a nail and you need to get it polished- STAT! Then sic the dogs on her (maybe recordings of dogs?)

Love Changing

Thanks, Changing!

I'm not certain if I want to waste that kind of energy on her, especially when she persists in acting the DOOFUS, being completely oblivious to whatever is said to her.

Bones

[Hopalong]

Hi Bones,

I had a friend to whom I was as irritating for personality reasons as your friend is to you.
Eventually, one day that friend told me she didn't enjoy being around me, and ended the friendship.
I didn't grieve, because I wasn't enjoying it either...but I was hurt and all that.
For a while.
A remarkably short while.
Because it was obvious to me, on some level, that she was right. We weren't really all that compatible.
And I'm fine about it now...I spend zero seconds thinking about her rejection, and since then have found new friends with whom I feel much more connection, and vice versa. (If I'd stayed in my pattern with her, all of that time would have been blocked from using it to be open to meeting people who DO enjoy and value me.)
Way down in, I think she did us both a favor.

Long story shorter, perhaps it would be a kindnes if you could find the gentlest, non-blaming way to tell her that you feel you're not happy in this friendship any longer, and you want her to take the time she spends contacting you to reach out and find new friends.

What do you think?

Hops

[BonesMS]

Hi Bones,

I had a friend to whom I was as irritating for personality reasons as your friend is to you.
Eventually, one day that friend told me she didn't enjoy being around me, and ended the friendship.
I didn't grieve, because I wasn't enjoying it either...but I was hurt and all that.
For a while.
A remarkably short while.
Because it was obvious to me, on some level, that she was right. We weren't really all that compatible.
And I'm fine about it now...I spend zero seconds thinking about her rejection, and since then have found new friends with whom I feel much more connection, and vice versa. (If I'd stayed in my pattern with her, all of that time would have been blocked from using it to be open to meeting people who DO enjoy and value me.)
Way down in, I think she did us both a favor.

Long story shorter, perhaps it would be a kindnes if you could find the gentlest, non-blaming way to tell her that you feel you're not happy in this friendship any longer, and you want her to take the time she spends contacting you to reach out and find new friends.

What do you think?

Hops

I know she has other friends.  I've been in the unfortunate position of observing her manipulating them the same way while she acts the DOOFUS because she "assumes"........

Bones

[BonesMS]

In response to my own question....I think the answer is yes.

Earlier today, I attended what is known as a "cherrette" regarding architectural and community changes.  Long story about what a cherrette is.  During the roundtable discussion, the topic(s) of the disabled, the homeless and a pedestrian walkway, that enables physically challenged individuals to get to a nearby shopping center, came up.  One idiot, who believed in his own mind that he is cute and funny, suggested blowing up the pedestrian walkway and having the disabled and the homeless kept to "their side" so he wouldn't have to look at them because he didn't want them in his backyard.  Needless to say, I went off and told him that his inappropriate remarks weren't even CLOSE to being funny and to back up!  He left the roundtable discussion.  (Good riddance!)  I was outraged at his attitude!!!!

Bones

[BonesMS]

Granted, I would have LOVED to do something other than raise my voice at that idiot but the law does not allow that.  At least I put my concerns on the table and hope the powers-that-be consider them when they do any architectural changes.  I tried to take care of myself by going to a friend's party. (He usually has a Moonbounce for me to play in.)  Unfortunately, there was no Moonbounce this year but he had a lot of Silly String available to play with!

Bones

[BonesMS]

Well, the Passive-Aggressive Nfriend tried again!  I had already told her, via e-mail last Thursday, that I was not going to allow her to make me late for work on Monday and that I was not available to help her with her mother's appointments.  On Monday, I'm in the process of waiting for my lunch to cook and I'm resting in preparation for my late shift when I hear "tap-tap-tap!" on my window!  Sure enough, there's Nfriend!  She "assumed" that I was available to go to lunch with her at the last minute.  (What part of the word "NO" does she not understand?)  Repeated the word "No" again.  It appears that passive-aggressive N's deliberately act "dense" when things don't go the way they want to.

Bones

[Bella_French]

Dear Bones,

Something I learned about N's, which might help, is apparently N's have abandonment issues about as severe as they get. This usually means that overtly `rejecting' type of behavior will trigger their abandonment issues, cause intense fear, and the desire to pursue you (to make the pain go away). It sounds a bit like this `pursuit' is what is annoying you the most right now? I know that it would feel a bit like `stalking' to me, and I would not like it at all myself, but thats just me. I like to drift away in friendships when I need to, rather than be pursued.

Since you haven't said otherwise, I assume that you want to continue this friendship rather than end it?

 If that is the case, do you think that  perhaps there could be a way of wording your `rejections' so they don't trigger the N-friends abandonment issues so intensely? Perhaps you could offer  a bit of gentle reassurance, such as rescheduling, or not being quite as `blunt'?.

I honestly found it easier to let go of my N-friends myself though, and that would be my best advice. But if is this not what you want, I hope my suggestions will help you

X Bella

[Certain Hope]

Dear Bones,

For what it's worth (not much, I know)  I just really don't feel that this woman is deliberately acting dense.
Her obliviousness feels like a pre-programmed response to any reality in which her desires are thwarted. In other words, she doesn't appear to connect with reality at any depth... stuck in her own head, so to speak.

For some time, I've wondered about Bella's question, too... I assume that you want to continue this friendship rather than end it?
Cuz if so, I wonder what toll this level of frustration may take on your own well-being, knowing that she will not change.
In my life, I've had to continue to interact with several folks who are pretty much stone walls when it comes to listening.
Drastically lowering my expectations of them and accepting that they're severely limited in relationship abilities is the only way I can manage that. The thing is, to continue focusing on their weaknesses makes those problems grow larger and larger in my sight, and pretty soon all I can see about them is the negative. So if I'm determined to remain in the relationship, I must also determine to drop that fault-observing habit and just allow them to be who they are. You know what I'm sayin?

Love to you,
Carolyn

[BonesMS]

Dear Bones,

Something I learned about N's, which might help, is apparently N's have abandonment issues about as severe as they get. This usually means that overtly `rejecting' type of behavior will trigger their abandonment issues, cause intense fear, and the desire to pursue you (to make the pain go away). It sounds a bit like this `pursuit' is what is annoying you the most right now? I know that it would feel a bit like `stalking' to me, and I would not like it at all myself, but thats just me. I like to drift away in friendships when I need to, rather than be pursued.

Since you haven't said otherwise, I assume that you want to continue this friendship rather than end it?

 If that is the case, do you think that  perhaps there could be a way of wording your `rejections' so they don't trigger the N-friends abandonment issues so intensely? Perhaps you could offer  a bit of gentle reassurance, such as rescheduling, or not being quite as `blunt'?.

I honestly found it easier to let go of my N-friends myself though, and that would be my best advice. But if is this not what you want, I hope my suggestions will help you

X Bella

Thanks, Bella!

I really don't want to be around her anymore because I'm tired of explaining the obvious repeatedly to her.  I've recently started getting blunt with her because she doesn't listen to anything else that doesn't "fit" in her own little world.  She's now complaining that one of her sisters doesn't talk to her much anymore (ignoring the fact that she violated this sister's boundaries after repeated reminders not to do so).  I've watched this sister attempt to gently explain that it's not polite to impose on the host and hostess of a party after she's been politely reminded that it's time to go home.  (She chose to ignore everyone until the host finally had to get blunt with her after politely asking her to go home for three hours and she continued to ignore him.)  Subtleties do not work with her.  Explaining the obvious in detail does not work with her.  I've dealt with her behavior for over 40 years and I'm done with the explanations when she insists on attempting to violate my schedule and violate my physical space by grabbing and snatching at things (i.e. my regalia).  My patience is gone.

Bones

[BonesMS]

Dear Bones,

For what it's worth (not much, I know)  I just really don't feel that this woman is deliberately acting dense.
Her obliviousness feels like a pre-programmed response to any reality in which her desires are thwarted. In other words, she doesn't appear to connect with reality at any depth... stuck in her own head, so to speak.

For some time, I've wondered about Bella's question, too... I assume that you want to continue this friendship rather than end it?
Cuz if so, I wonder what toll this level of frustration may take on your own well-being, knowing that she will not change.
In my life, I've had to continue to interact with several folks who are pretty much stone walls when it comes to listening.
Drastically lowering my expectations of them and accepting that they're severely limited in relationship abilities is the only way I can manage that. The thing is, to continue focusing on their weaknesses makes those problems grow larger and larger in my sight, and pretty soon all I can see about them is the negative. So if I'm determined to remain in the relationship, I must also determine to drop that fault-observing habit and just allow them to be who they are. You know what I'm sayin?

Love to you,
Carolyn

Thanks, Carolyn.

I've just mentioned to Bella that I really don't want to be around her anymore because she continues to attempt to violate my physical boundaries and my time boundaries.  From my dealings with her, her attitude seems to be that the word "NO" does not exist in her little world.  It's as if she is 50-something going on 6 because that is what she learned growing up.  My feeling is that whenever her mother had to tell her "NO" to something, she would then start to dither until the "NO" magically changed into a "YES" and she gets what she wants the instant she wants it.  That might have been cute when she was 6 years old.  It's NOT cute at age 50-something and she does this with her work colleagues, her other family members, her husband and friends who have lives and responsibilities of their own.  It's very annoying when she expects everyone else to instantaneously drop what they need to do for her convenience and continues to dither when the rest of us have to repeatedly tell her "NO" because we now have adult responsibilities to attend to.  What REALLY gets me is her attitude that because I'm not officially/legally married I've got nothing to do, nowhere to go and ALL of my time is automatically owned by her and the concept of "NO" simply does not exist in her own little mind.  Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Bones

[Bella_French]

Dear Bones,

Good luck with breaking up with your friend. It does sound like the best thing to do in this case.

X Bella