'How can I miss you if you won't go away?!'

[WRITE]

I've been thinking about this a lot and how it's affected my relationships at times, this aspect of me that fills in gaps, builds bridges, wants to be a good Christian.

Today I was asked to work at the church and when I left I was in a hurry anyway but I saw church guy's car and although he hasn't called me much, we spoke a few days ago about nothing in particular, or responded to my request that we sit down and talk openly, so I didn't call in and see him. But i felt bad all day. He parked close to me so must have known I was there, and I kept wondering if he'd feel hurt that I didn't go see him.

I am just so used to 'caretaking' everyone....

And yet- yesterday I got a somewhat aggressive call from a friend who has bipolar, she's someone who hasn't always managed it well and I've always kept my distance because she was living a somewhat chaotic lifestyle with a violent criminal and we don't have a great deal in common.

Anyway I forgot to answer an email from her so she called me to see 'what was the matter'.

I was most irritated but we chatted for a few minutes then I hung up, and after I felt quite guilty about times I have done this, prodded and prompted people.

I've been trying to try being a lot less intense anyway, I know most people aren't comfortable with big topics all the time!

So now I'm going to try beign more relaxed about relationships and seeing if I can slow down and let them evolve ( or not ) more normally.

As a very young person it wasn't possible to do that- everyone around me needed constant cajolling and reminding or they just forgot ( alcohol was fairly prominent )

But I'm not a young person now, and I've just spent three years learning to sit with even the most uncomfortable feelings, I guess I can practice a little patience too!

[Ami]

Dear WRITE,
  I had an intuitive feeling about what you wrote. It could say more about where I am than you ,but I will share it anyway. Maybe,it will resonate with you.
    Today, I started seeing the concept of enmeshment( seeing with the heart). I always knew the concept with my 'head',but it never did me any good.
   I see how I was always a half a person. My M must have severely chastised me when I had any, any independent thinking at all. I must have been one of those rats who was shocked when  they felt or "thought" for themselves.
   Your post reminded me of enmeshment ,even though your situation is not a mother- daughter.
   I was thinking about how kids have a friend and they are just "themselves". They are not trying to "get" the friend to like them  . They are not trying to define themselves by what the friend thinks of them. They are just sharing themselves with each other.
  I was thinking how I am with people. I am enmeshed. if someone  does behavior A-- I have to do behavior B. I am in "step" with other people rather than being "independent". I am like a person 'marching " next to other people ,rather than walking in my own way.
  This is a HUGE insight for me.
  I  am just at the beginning of seeing these things.
  I see why I do not enjoy relationships at all. They are "work' to me. I really just want to be away from everyone.
  I saw that with Maria, the other day. I started getting a stomach ache when she came over. It is so,so,so hard to be" me,"but at least I am aware of myself and not 'numb".
   Anyway, I hear that you are too "attached" to  other people to "define" you( as I and many others are). It is probably the rare adult who  defines himself.
   That is how I see it. Throw away what does not fit .
   Sometimes ,we as Christians can use the Bible to whack ourselves over the head with.I know that I severely misinterpreted so, many many things and suffered greatly from it.    Love  Ami
   

[WRITE]

 Your post reminded me of enmeshment ,even though your situation is not a mother- daughter.

thanks Ami. Yes, it is some of the residual habits of that coupled with my struggle to be a Christian in Jesus' terms.

Mostly it's just because I think the sky will collapse and everything will go horribly horribly wrong if I don't take charge and look after everything: which I understand is a common feeling of the children of alcoholics.

My friend's mother died of her alcoholism a few days ago, it's all been making me think a lot, about the role of children and of course my continued sobriety. If I had any doubts about the necessity of that they are covered by the realisation that things affect us whether or not we 'allow it'.

I mean- I always knew my parents were drunk, didn't really drink until my late twenties because of them, and read and studied everything on the topic. Yet I still had problems with it and I still behave sometimes like that small helpless child who was trying to take care of people who she couldn't.

And I still have worry about not taking care of people.

I remember once telling people that a woman at a church I was playing for was severely depressed, I was about 16. She was in a terrible state and I didn't know much about it but I knew she was bad. No one seemed much worried but one of the women called me a few days later and said it was a coincidence I was talking about the woman as she had committed suicide. She died by hanging herself off the end of the bed- at any point she could have stopped and stood up but she didn't. I rememebr thinking then 'should I have done more about it' and that's a feeling I have had many times since.

I know of course now that I am not responsible for these kinds of sad things, and if I had been older I would of course have been kind to her and tried to steer her in the direction of help, but I also know that some of these habits are very irritating.

When that friend called me yesterday I felt pressured, I didn't like being pushed, and it's made me realise- I need to be less pushy myself.

People will respond in their own time.

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((Write)))))))))))))

So much love you have, in addition to the over-responsibility.
So much compassion.

You remembered her, you grieved her,
as you grieve your friend's mother now.

The wildflowers noone planted along cemetery walls
are more beautiful because of your sorrow.

They will bloom and go, and it's all right.

love
Hops

[WRITE]

The wildflowers noone planted along cemetery walls
are more beautiful because of your sorrow.

Thanks Hops.

I'm always mourning and thinking of all kinds of similar things, sometimes I wonder if I'm wrong to, but it also seems right if no one else has, so I carry on.

There's so little sometimes we can do in the face of some things, yet I know also that sometimes little things make a big difference....

I'm finding more and more I am handing things over to G_d, to pray or write someone in my journal.

I don't feel I actually ahve to give away all my time or energy or money; though I do believe ( for me ) that to be a Christian I should give away as much as I can.

But not to any point of self-detriment.

That's the balance.

When my friend a few years ago was in dire financial straits I 'adopted' all her children and got so involved and then was hurt when it transpired they were just dependent on our money and didn't have that much real interest or affection in us!

Now if someone has a problem I choose how far I will get involved.

The little dog came home for the night then went to the animal shelter.

I am learning to say "I'm sorry' and just listen.

Sometimes I know a solution and I can offer it.

But sometimes it's so intractable that all I can do is a kind gesture or a hug.

I'm not responsible and no one is responsible for me.

That's where I am getting to with all this I think- applying the knowledge to some of my habits and attitudes.

I have to learn to temper my expectations with other people's and come to some commonality- and that's also within the context of living in another culture which looks like my own but is very different relationship-wise.

~W

[Ami]

[
I am learning to say "I'm sorry' and just listen.

Sometimes I know a solution and I can offer it.

But sometimes it's so intractable that all I can do is a kind gesture or a hug.

I'm not responsible and no one is responsible for me.

That's where I am getting to with all this I think- applying the knowledge to some of my habits and attitudes.

I have to learn to temper my expectations with other people's and come to some commonality- and that's also within the context of living in another culture which looks like my own but is very different relationship-wise





Dear WRITE,
    These are such big, big ,big lessons. Do "normal "people learn them in their FOO,I wonder?     Love   Ami

[WRITE]

Do "normal "people learn them in their FOO,I wonder?

I suspect not necessarily Ami. I think a lot of people just don't really need to look at things in this depth, they're relatively happy and kind to each other as their 'normal'.

But we have developed so many skills out of abuse and especially in wanting to break the cycles of abuse and low confidence and recover from trauma.

I think I definitely notice other people's sufferings more as a result of my own problems, and also I have developed habits which protected me in early relationships which wouldn't be needed if my family ahd just left me alone.

That's when I feel annoyed with them most, my parents: when I think why didn't you just go drinking and do your own thing, why did you have to pretend to be a family and drag us on horrendous vacations or with you to pubs and clubs?

And why whenever one of us found something we were good at or happy doing could you not leave it alone, until you'd spoiled things with your mocking or undermining?

I suspect my parents thought that was what parenting is- not preparing us for adulthood but subjecting us to a certain quantity of their influence and trying to make us 'show respect'.

That was never going to happen, I wasn't mature enough to respect them in the way a healthy adult respects anyone irrespective of personal considerations, and on a personal level- there was nothing to respect and a lot to distrust and despise.