starting over - stage 2

[Gaining Strength]

I am at a new stage in my healing process. 

I am starting over in some very specific ways.  I have not been living in my house for several months and it is a complete wreck.  Although I have made numerous attempts to face my problem for some time I have found myself overwhelmed time and again.

I began truly getting in there and doing something this past weekend.  It is difficult - not the least because there is no AC working and we have had triple digit temperatures for 10 days now.  I called the AC people Tuesday.  They were scheduled to come today between 10 and 12.  It is no past 1.  It was way too hot to wait inside, so I left and am awaiting a call from them before I return.

The real difficulty is the emotional trauma that I have to overcome to "start over".  The shame that I have operated under for so many years has left deep scars and great fear.  I have really made progress in that front and now must figure out how to "be" now that shame is not my controlling emotion. 

That is surprisingly difficult.  I am approaching this enterprise as though I have found an abandoned home that has been trashed but that with some loving care can be put in right order.  That really helps.

While cleaning I am bumping into the nightmarish emotional experiences that have crippled me through out my life.  And I want to come here and work through them.  But I am being called back to my house now so I will come again soon.

[Certain Hope]

Hugs, GS... I hope you've been called back by the a/c people!

Looking forward to sharing those "bumpys" with you and comparing notes, working them through.
No doubt we have many such hurdles in common.

With love,
Hope

[Gaining Strength]

Many thanks Hope.

Yesterday when I went to pick my little boy up at camp I witnessed him reach a point in climbing a wall when he was ready to give up but was able to be encouraged to go just beyond his comfort level.  And I saaw it again when we were at the waterfront - he passed a water treading test that he had not been able to up until that point.  By passing that test a whole portal of opportunities opened up to him.  He got to ride the zip line - over a cabin across the sailing dock and into the water.  He got to use the rope swing into the water and to get into a canoe.  I heard an adult remark how the counselors and campers encourage each other to push past thier comfort zone and achieve the next level.  It was a powerful experience for me.  I found something to tap into that I can use to push myself forward. Until I got somewhat beyond my shame and anxiety "pushing" was actually counterproductive but now, ever so gently, and with great encouragement I can finally begin to push myself.

As I was cleaning some filth at my house earlier today I got a little clarity about how my emotional programming has entrapped me.  In cleaning I am shamed that things ever needed cleaning.  The message is something like this, "You don't deserve better, if you did you would have better."  I don't know the exact source of that message but I know it was programmed into me in childhood and I know it is the source of enormous resentment, shame and anger not to mention sense of undeserving.  And, of course, I have lived into that undeserving.

"The only way out is through"  keeps ringing in my ears.  I am going back through all that darkness but this time it is not in an eternal loop but it is on the path out.  None-the-less it is still painful and of course it triggers all those old fears off stuckedness.  And so it takes an enormous amount of energy to overcome the well accustomed patterns of fear and hopelessness.

Now the AC people are hours late and it is getting into the time to pick my child up and that in and of itself creates some problems.  I must remain positive but I am so terribly disappointed.  I called on Tuesday and here it is late friday.  I really need them to come before this weekend.  But part of my great disappointment is that I  cannot work in the oppressive heat.  It was simply too much for me and so I have lost yet another day's work.

One of my struggles is to keep from getting thrown emotionally into the dark place that I have lived for the past several years.  Something about that house does that.  it ties into something that I got in touch with earlier this week.  The waiting to be bailed out. Waiting to grow up.

Years ago a male relative said something to me about women waiting for prince charming to come rescue them.  That offended my feminist sensibilities and yet I saw some truth in that concerning myself but still could not reconcile that with my philosophy.  But recently I saw it again.  I have been waiting all of these years for someone to rescue me.  I have been waiting for my parents to rescue me, I waited for a husband to rescue me and I have waited again for some outside force to rescue me.  I needed rescueing because I did not have the where-with-all to save myself.  In part I lacked that ability (at least psychologically) because my parents made sure that I did not have what I needed to be self-sufficient.  NOW I KNOW!!!  That is part of the control that my parents held over me.  That is part of their Nism and as a teen I relinquished that control even while rebelling because I so desparately believed that there was a pain off.  Unfortunately all of this was deeply unconscious until now. 

This is definitely part of my struggle financially.  Over and over my father would not let me provide for myself when I was a teen and when I was in my 20s.  Each and every time I tried to take care of myself financially he would give me advice that was terribly encumbering and of course I had NO clue what was going on and felt bound to comply with his suggests.  Why not?  He was my father and he was a successful business man with standing in the community.  Each and every time I would try to do something on my own concerning insurance or banking or anything he would oppose it and demand that I fallow his suggestions.  I had no clue that I was getting in over my head nor that he never intended to help me in any way financially as was the custom in my family and among my piers.  I was left floundering in every way.

When my husband died, leaving my no insurance and no sercuity at all no one in my family came to my assistance.  No one told me what I needed to do to resolve financial issues or things concerning the house or insurance or anything and I sank into deeper and deeper depression and became completely paralyzed.  Now after so many years I have found my way through so much of the psychological mess and now I have to deal with the physical mess and financial mess.  I am ready but it is still a llittle frightening - just facing that old emotional patterns is frightening in and of itself and learning to completely repattern my thouoghts and emotions is a big task.  But I watched my child do the very thing that I must do and I now have a model.  I can use my imagination to see people encouraging me forward each step of the way and when I get stuck I will give myself lattitude to fall back, regroup and try again.

I can do it.  It is frightening.  But I know I can do it.


My therapists and I talked about another realization I had.  I am moving out of "needing to prove myself" to accomplishing things because I enjoy the accomplishment.  For my whole life every action has been one that I scrutinized with a judgement of the most critical enemy.  That one thing has taken the greatest toll.  Now I must change this thought process.  I should be overjoyed at gaining this insight and at the prospect of it but I am still battling that fear of old patterns.  I know I will get past it and am glad to have a place to bring my fears and share them out loud.

Moving on - step by step.

[WRITE]

I can do it.  It is frightening.  But I know I can do it.

this is like a mantra for me GS it really is....

It sounds overwhelming but all we can do is break things down into what we can manage each year, each week, each day, each moment.

Someone used the phrase 'Queen of Lists' yesterday, I make a lot of lists when I can't do anything else I put it on paper.

YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT FINANCE hit me like a train! for I am just the same right now GS, floundering a little and only getting bad advice or ripped off.

Last week I was solid in my determination to undertake a loan and go back to college next spring.

I told ex who is now thinking of changing jobs ( ! ) I got an unexpected $1200 insurance bill in the mail last night when I got home, of course I've got to move again next month....

Suddenly I am finding myself second-guessing and self-doubting and what-if-ing.

September is the first month I won't have enough money to pay all my bills since I have been single.

I could ask ex to help, I know he would, but I have decided not to. I have to start facing my own problems independently of him, and only consulting him when it's about our son.

He said quite a few negative things about college ( which is why we had the huge fight- it turned into me gettign furious about all the times he's undermined me in the past ) and he'll use my struggling financially as a lever to try to prevent me going.

It isn't even conscious with him half the time and he can't help it, but it's a habit which isn't going to change, and one which does me a lot of damage.

Over and over my father would not let me provide for myself when I was a teen and when I was in my 20s.

how infuritating; my father was the same but wouldn't provide FOR me either, one of the reasons I am so independent now is it's a direct 'up yours' to a man who manipulated so much of that time of my life.

So this month I'm going to bite the bullet of getting my own finances straight, which may take a few weeks, and I'm going to keep going to therapy to stick on course and get good support too. If I said that to ex he'd say immediately 'cancel it, you can't afford it' yet right now it would be like cancelling dialysis- I know I will get sick if I don't work through all these stress-sources and also come up with a working relationship with my ex.

Son goes back to school in a few days, I'll advertise for more work then.

My sympathy for you in the heat with no a/c dear GS, it is so hot and humid this part of the world.
We got heavy rain and flooding yesterday

( http://www.chron.com/news/photogallery/Erin_Brings_Flooding.html
 
I was where picture 7 was taken! )

That has cooled things a bit.
But I almost lost my car yesterday, had to do some very quick thinking and sidewalk-driving to escape rising floodwaters in a back-street, after that I pulled onto a dry parking lot and waited until the storm calmed down, watching everyone else racing about and getting stuck. Which is a perfect metaphor for life come to think of it.

Two hours later I had walked to get a sandwich and the waters had drained and I could leave, Houston was total chaos and I was very thankful I didn't get any big expense or worse from it all.

Afterwards I was shaking, but it did show me- I CAN think things through and depend on myself.

You can too.

Love to you
~W

[Certain Hope]

Dear GS,

Maybe it's not so much about pushing, as it is... stretching.

Stretching your compassion for yourself to encompass this current setback.

Stretching your imagination in possible ways to circumvent the delay in the a/c repair... or just to put it on hold while you tend to other things.

Can you borrow or rent a small window unit and limit your activity in the house to one room at a time until the repairs are completed?
(sorry, ever practical over here)

You know... your ability to express disappointment right now, over this latest  obstacle, is a wonderful thing in itself, to me. You're not frozen or paralyzed, or stuck... your eager to enjoy this next accomplishment.
If your anticipation were not outweighing your fears, you wouldn't be disappointed.

How's that for an outlook? 

(((((((((GS))))))))  You CAN do it!  You just don't have to do it in triple digits.

Much love to you,
Hope

P.S. Write... that was "Mistress of lists"   I'm so thankful you're safe!

[axa]

GS,

It is interesting the house thing!  In the penuntimate year with Xn we both built houses.  His huge and fancy with lots of expensive flash things.  Mine, small, simple, uncomplicated.  The difference did strike me many times.  Our energy was taken up with his house, mine happened without any conflict or angst.   When my house was finished I was shocked by how simple and beautiful it was, so plain yet lovely.  It did dawn on me that it was a projection of how I wanted my home to be, the anthitises of his, not full of things, lots of space, colour in paintings and without any flash.  No pastiche............  it was how I wanted my life to be, not pretending to be something it was not.  I sit here now and admire the simplicity of it, the lack of complication, the relief of not waiting anymore, the freedom to be myself in it......... how strange that we unconsciously make what we want when consciously we cannot do it.

No need for Ac here but I do hope your ac people arrived.  Thinking of you making new beginnings.


axa

[Gaining Strength]

axa - will you expand on this a little?

how strange that we unconsciously make what we want when consciously we cannot do it.

Hope -

stretching.

  I love this concept.

I do have one window unit.  Ever practical you are.

WRITE -

this is like a mantra for me GS it really is....

it is for me as well but how comforting it is to know it is for you.  It makes me feel not so alone.

I could ask ex to help, I know he would, but I have decided not to.

I so support you here.  I completely agree that the N part of him has to undermine you.  It is definitely not worth allowing him to  "use my struggling financially as a lever to try to prevent me going. "  It is very tragic that you cannot ask for help and get it - free and clear - with no questions and no undermining but I am determined to move to a place where I am able and willing to rely on myself and not lllloooonnnngggg for someone to help me. 

But I almost lost my car yesterday, had to do some very quick thinking and sidewalk-driving to escape rising floodwaters in a back-street,

My heavens WRITE.  That is unbelievable!! How shocking!!  I'm so glad you are safe !!

[Ami]

[qYears ago a male relative said something to me about women waiting for prince charming to come rescue them.  That offended my feminist sensibilities and yet I saw some truth in that concerning myself but still could not reconcile that with my philosophy.  But recently I saw it again.  I have been waiting all of these years for someone to rescue me.  I have been waiting for my parents to rescue me, I waited for a husband to rescue me and I have waited again for some outside force to rescue me.  I needed rescueing because I did not have the where-with-all to save myself.  In part I lacked that ability (at least psychologically) because my parents made sure that I did not have what I needed to be self-sufficient.  NOW I KNOW!!!  That is part of the control that my parents held over me.  That is part of their Nism and as a teen I relinquished that control even while rebelling because I so desparately believed that there was a pain off.  Unfortunately all of this was deeply unconscious until now


Dear Gs,
   I can so relate to wanting to be rescued. I feel very low,right now-- very inept and not "knowing" how to live. I feel very discouraged. I was not taught anything about how to be "emotionally" .All I ever had to worry about was --- "Was my M happy.? That was all I ever was taught--- not how to value myself, nurture myself or have self respect. It was ALL about taking care of HER. I really hate her so,much right now. i guess that is immature.but right now I am simply hurting           LOve  Ami
                                                                                                                                  Ami

[Certain Hope]

When my house was finished I was shocked by how simple and beautiful it was, so plain yet lovely.  It did dawn on me that it was a projection of how I wanted my home to be, the anthitises of his, not full of things, lots of space, colour in paintings and without any flash.  No pastiche............  it was how I wanted my life to be, not pretending to be something it was not.  I sit here now and admire the simplicity of it, the lack of complication, the relief of not waiting anymore, the freedom to be myself in it.........

Axa,

That is so beautiful... and so very much what I've always wanted in comparison to the shock and awe of N's really big show.

What is pastiche?
I can look it up, but I bet your definition will be better! Thanks... for the lovely image and a revelation of a truth that's always been vital to me.

With love,
Hope

[WRITE]

Mistress of lists"   I'm so thankful you're safe!

of course it was  
Thank you.

It is very tragic that you cannot ask for help and get it - free and clear - with no questions and no undermining

GS I can't ask for anything free and clear from ex! He's 'as good as it gets' ( a phrase church guy used about himself which was the turning point for me with him, incidentally ) and that's I'll do anything for you so long as it's on my terms and gets the results I want.

I feel very low,right now-- very inept and not "knowing" how to live.
 
it's hard at first Ami, and then each uphill climb is a setback.

Just keep going. That's what I'm doing.

I feel like I totally screwed my life up a lot of the time, and can't believe that I squandered my youth and my health on a hopeless cause. But who knows, it's all part of a bigger picture, I have my son ( albeit I don't like him much either lately ) and we can look to the future with hope...

Don't lose hope, that's the main thing.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

CH I got the book someone said the Sarah Breathnach 'Moving On' it's all about dream homes and environments, creating the place to really live.

[Ami]

[and my health on a hopeless cause. _{But who knows, it's all part of a bigger picture, I have my son ( albeit I don't like him much either lately ) and we can look to the future with hop}e...




Dear WRITE.
  That is sooo cute about your son---. Don't we all--as parents -- feel that way ,at times      Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

Feels like my surroundings - my house - moved on before I did... I think as Axa said:
"how strange that we unconsciously make what we want when consciously we cannot do it."

I just didn't begin to live here, and make it my external home, until I opened my eyes and began to feel at home within myself.

Love,
Hope

[towrite]

"But I watched my child do the very thing that I must do and I now have a model."

... and a little child shall lead them.

Isn't it amazing what we can do/are willing to do when we don't have all that contamination inside of us???

towrite

[Certain Hope]

"But I watched my child do the very thing that I must do and I now have a model."

... and a little child shall lead them.

Isn't it amazing what we can do/are willing to do when we don't have all that contamination inside of us???

towrite

Oh, yes! All the doubts and fears and confusion surrounding my own view of how I've raised my children are washed away when I look at them and see the beauty, the possibilities, the strength and willingness to be challenged...  of little ones who were raised with love. Despite all of my ignorance, they've remained uncontaminated... simply because I've loved them. God made them so flexible, so very forgiving and generous and gentle and tender... and all of that is activated by genuine caring... not the phony stuff dished out to me by those who only wanted an accessory.
I am so thankful.  (((((((((()))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

I came to post but as I read each of these entries I felt as though I stepped into the garden where several charming flowers had bloomed over night.  I didn't really want to disturb the beauty.  Such precious little gems have opened here since I was here last.



I am tired as is often the case.  I struggle with severe candidiasis and hypoadrenia.  The biggest culprit for the candidiasis is what I eat.  And while I am pretty good about it occassionally I have a small slit but even a small slip has substantial consequences.  And those consequences add to the fatigue associated with hypo adrenia.  As I get stronger, I am better able to handle these two health issues.

The hypoadrenia is a direct result of stress - stress being the direct result of growing up with Ns.  Each and every moring before I get up I spent quiet time in bed wrestling with my demons finding a quiet place in my mind where I can rise up above those dark places and find strength and encouragement.  My neutral place of being is one where quivers of fear run through me. (No wonder my adrenal glands are worn out.)  I am working on replacing that default position with oone of confidence.  Today I found a voice of "mother" who was strong and gentle, kind and encouraging.  She will help me overcome the fear moments.  Fear over what?  Well unfortunately over everything - over cleaning up, over the activities ahead of me today, over facing my fears.

As I was cleaning up behind my cats this morning I flashed back to times in my youth when I would tell my mother that I had made a mess and she would begin to yell.  "look what you've done.  Why did you do that?  You've ruined everything." and on and on and on.  That's what I internalized and that's what I - after all of these years of feelilng it and believing it - must let go of.  I am ready to do that.

I was thinking this morning that I need to erect a barrier to protect myself from my mother.  She has no, ZERO boundaries and constantly invades mine.  If I erect a barrier then I can go out and be kind to her because I will feel protected.  She clearly had no such barriers when I was young - she would just rail if I did something she didn't like.  She wouldn't help me learn to fix things she just screamed about it.  She didn't do things with me she didn't take me to buy makeup or get my hair done.  She has never shopped with me.  I'm not a big shopper or any of those other things but I do wish my mother had done some of those things with me.  I do wish I had had someone as sometime to do "girl" things with.  I am glad to be in a second stage where I can really get at the issues that have held me back for so long.