Dear GS,
This afternoon, my mother called. That's so rare... I thought maybe there was an emergency and I picked up.
Her demanding tone: "What's new?!"
It was surreal. The entire 23 minute call was like one long, resentful complaint because of her accusatory tone, her negativity.
She sounds severely depressed.
My answer to her "what's new?!" was "nothing thrilling"... but this time I was consciously thinking, "Nothing which you would find impressive enough to discuss with interest."
Told her I'd been vacuuming and had to stop to get duct tape, to repair a break in the attachment hose... and that's when the phone rang.
Her humorless reply... "oh, so it needed some duck?" ha. ha.
My feeling - how fake, she's trivializing, mocking me.
I plowed ahead, telling her how I may just locate a new hose online, as the motor still works well. Told her I'd replaced the roller brush this way, for just $7.00, instead of buying a new machine.
She knows nothing about using the internet (and I can't think of a single time when she's actually been interested in hearing from anyone about
anything about which she doesn't already know or had experience.... so I knew this would fall flat.
And it did.
She launched into this whole depressing spiel about "things" (ironic tone) getting tired and wearing out. Martyrdom was so thick in the air you could slice it. I remembered how she gloatingly predicted, at our last visit, the many dire consequences of old age to which I could look forward.
I told her about the kids first couple days at school, and their band activities, and she was obviously bored. HER thought was to suggest that we could go to the city for cultural exposure... a symphony... (mock, ridicule - we live in a small town, so aren't we just so deprived)
so I told her about the tickets I got online for Yoyo Ma's performance next year, in a town less than 2 hours from here. bleh.
Her reply: "
I haven't had reason to go there,
have I?"
Well, no, mother, I don't believe you have.
heh. End of that little portion of my news.
She had no story to tell about her experience there, so it died on the vine.
Good GRIEF! I saw and heard it all, her entire warped, rigid routine, so clearly.
Then she says:
"And
your husband[/b]?!!? What is HE doing?!?!"
This is where it got really freaky.
Man, if you could have heard the venom... it was startling.
She clearly despises him.
Know why?
She made burgers while we were visiting their home.
Her way, as it has always been, is to serve them plain, like a ground round steak.
For years, I couldn't refer to these patties as hamburgers. "Oh, no, it's GrrrOWnd RrrOWnd."
And there was my sweet, forthright, blunt, adorable husband who says what he means and means what he says.
And he asked for a bun.
OF ALL THE NERVE!!
I almost died on the spot.
He survived. And he got his bun.
Later, he asked her for a fan for the bedroom we were using, which was upstairs @ 120 degrees F.
If he wasn't already on the S-list, I fear that sealed his fate in her eyes.
He had her # from the get-go and she knows it. He doesn't play games.
But then he despises my brother, too, but at least he has exciting stories to tell... all about his trials with getting his Porsche back to the US from Poland. He bought her a mink, dontchaknow?
But I, alas, am utterly useless when it comes to inflating her ego.
Bah.
She is a miserable, awful woman and she groomed me to read between her lines so that I could serve her forever.
She wants me or my husband or our kids to do some great thing so that she can puff herself up about it.. and that is the extent of her interest in us.
GS, you wrote:
I am seeing past my "non-deserving" status unspoken but implied and recognizing the "corrolation" that if they have it I don't want it and seeing a combination, "if they have it then I don't deserve it" and even worse, "if it exists then it stands as a symbol of your undeserving."Exactly. That is just how I've felt, as well, all of my life. Thank you so much for expressing it in this way. Gives me hope in all of my ramblings... and encouragement to continue.
Tt,
I have to say that if I felt like this was a stage, I couldn't share this way. I know that my own rambling style is not some folks' cup of tea and that's understandable... and perfectly okay! I'm only thankful that sometimes a connection is made, as we're doing here, each in our own way and style, as we're able.
For those who are quiet readers... to each his own... there is no right way of doing this. Please dive in, as you're able and so inclined, brief or lengthy, whatever it takes.
With love from your friend,
Hope
P.S. Gaining Strength - Daughter S hasn't seen that P.S. from her grandma yet. I don't know... will show my husband and see what he thinks. Just read it this morning myself, after kids went to school. Always, I put these letters out on the counter for everyone to read, but no one does. These attitudes must have been clear to my kids all along... they're good kids, sweet and thoughtful... but they're not interested in communicating with my parents. All I can think is - they see.
