starting over - stage 2

[Certain Hope]

Gosh Hope, I'm not sure what those images were about.  I just focused on that horrible feeling and what I could do with it.

Right, GS... I think I've been diggin for too many roots lately

Here is a joyful thought for you... from Jeremiah:
"The Lord appeared from afar, saying, 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.
Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt..."

With love,
Hope

[Gaining Strength]

Oh my heavens.  That is so beautiful. 

I am going to memorize that and turn to it over and over again. 
Thank you so much Hope.  That is real nourishment to a hungry
soul, one in need of rebuilding.

[Gaining Strength]

I am making progress - slow and steady both inside my own mind and in the physical world. 

I am thankful that I am making progress.  It is slower than I had hoped but I choose to focus on
what I am accomplishing. 

My little boy has a "reading marathon" in 1st grade from now until Nov 20th.  I am teaching him that a little at a time makes a whole lot.  We read as we drive in the car.  One book on the way and one book home.  That leaves just 3 more at night.  Page by page.  I am learning that lesson too.  One square foot at a time.  One small mess at a time.  When I wear out, time for mental nourishment - for how ever long it takes.  Today it took 1 and 1/2 hours of the 2 hours I had - but hey - in that half hour I made real progress and in those 1 and 1/2 I made progress shoring up my mental house.

Before that I paid bills, made arrangements for medications at school, ordered a crazy sounding BAUD instrument to help my son with ADD and tantrums and other assorted chores.  I am getting stronger and making progress.  It is slow but it is sure.

I have been so severely self-critical for so many, many years.  I am thankful to be making progress.  In the past I have defeated progess because I didn't deserve it or couldn't sustain it because I was so self-critical.  Not any more.  We all deserve better.  Knowing that helps me.  Until I understood that I couldn't figure out my place in the hierarchy.  I couldn't figure out why I deserved more when so many had less.  Then I came across the idea that we all deserve comfort and sufficient resources to survive and thrive.  Once I heard that, it resonated with me and suddenly I saw it possible that I too could deserve enough to live comfortably and without fear of financial ruin and to have enough to be able to express myself creatively, to buy fabrics and threads and books and foods.  To have nice furnishings and nice cloths.  That to have such was not WRONG in and of itself.  Now, even though those things are not mine, I feel relieved to believe that we all deserve that.  And in a way I cannot explain I believe it is somehow available to us all.  (Don't call me crazy, even if you think it.)

[Certain Hope]

Dear GS,

"A little at a time makes a whole lot"... such a wholesome, satisfying lesson!

Just please do not discount your time invested into your son's mental/emotional house. That's no hill of beans... I think it is such major, vital, rejuvenative stuff... for both of you. It may seem to be maintenance sort of stuff or even remedial sort of stuff, but it's not. Really... it's very wonderful stuff : )  I have learned so much from my son, especially... my daughters, too, but he has a way of cutting to the chase... and I also recognize that's because I have genuinely loved him, not treated him as an accessory... or as a dumping ground.

I have also learned so much from you, GS.
Once I finally recognized where I was, just over this past year, I thought that the insight was - oh, I've been putting my stuff on the wrong side of the tally sheet for years.
But no.
The true message was - that tally sheet belongs in file 13.
With this, my byline was transformed, from:  "Thank God He allows do-overs" 
 to: "Why seek a do-over when God does such great make-overs?" : )

At the beginning here on the board, last year, when you'd talk about that paralyzing shame, I didn't get it... I mean, I didn't think the rationale fit me. There I was, kicking myself in the pants on a regular basis, to get it done... whatever "it" was. Whoo hoo! - Not!! 
That was only tail-chasing, around and around... a momentary satisfaction and then cycling back to the paralysis until it resulted in such a heap of guilt-manure that I had to get out the shovel again. The guilt would get so thick, I had all I could do to get back to ground-level. Never dug beneath to the shame... after all, I come from strong stock, a "good Christian family".
I wasn't beaten and abused. What's my problem?
And now your reviews and progress reports here on the board have pinned down the problem in my swirling thoughts.
 
So thank you, GS... It took almost a year, but you've helped me to locate the primary issue. Just now I see why I've rejected the nice things for myself... they were a symbol to me of what belongs in the world of people like my mother.
And not just nice things, but nice people, relationships...  because she would reject the very people from whom I can find the most encouragement and sustaining, supportive bonds.
I did not measure up... because I didn't care whether it was the best or fanciest.
I did not measure up... because I like people, whereas she disdains them, only collecting their accomplishments like charms on her own little bracelet.

I just read through the letters from her which I've accumulated this past month or so.
She wants us to write... "gets lonesome, you know."
No, not lonesome... just powerless, out of the loop.

With her last note, she drops a ps to my daughter, 16, along with an article cut from some publication about a local high school senior who has made great scholastic achievements.
Her p.s.:  "S, I realize you do not know this girl, but I sure thought of you when I saw the article. Be sure to let me know if, & when, your local paper runs an article on your achievements, ok?"     

Well, my little boy and I were talking yesterday about our enjoyment of soft, cozy things... when he brought me his old pillowcase - he wants me to mend it, where there's a tear in the seam. I told him, it's a hundred years old... and he looked sad.
Oh, but yes, I said, I think it still has some use in it.
All our stuff is old and well-worn.
Suddenly he said, "I like all of our old things... our furniture and stuff...
it's cozy, it fits, it's right..."
My mother likes her old things too, she said when we were there with her recently. I feel that she holds on to them as remnants of the days when she had control over our little universe. Her glory days.
I have no glory days... those are all to come. And so are yours : )

Morning rambles here... we deserve to be cozy and content, with whatever we have... and yes, that is available to us all.  My mother has some fine things and some old, worn things... but none of them bring her comfort and joy.
So I'm sorry for her... God help me to leave it at that.

Love,
Hope

[Gaining Strength]

[size=12pt]I wasn't beaten and abused. What's my problem?[/size]
Boy did it take me a long, long time to get past this one.  Some reasons are obvious and some not yet uncovered but part of it was the double bind, "If you complain it is because of something deficient in you."  I was on the search of what was wrong with me.  And there were some things, lots actually, but much of that came out of the treatment and dismissal as a human that I had experienced.

Just now I see why I've rejected the nice things for myself... they were a symbol to me of what belongs in the world of people like my mother.
And not just nice things, but nice people, relationships...  because she would reject the very people from whom I can find the most encouragement and sustaining, supportive bonds.
I did not measure up... because I didn't care whether it was the best or fanciest.
I did not measure up... because I like people, whereas she disdains them, only collecting their accomplishments like charms on her own little bracelet.

Wow!  This is helpful Certain Hope.  I am seeing past my "non-deserving" status unspoken but implied and recognizing the "corrolation" that if they have it I don't want it and seeing a combination, "if they have it then I don't deserve it" and even worse, "if it exists then it stands as a symbol of your undeserving."

"S, I realize you do not know this girl, but I sure thought of you when I saw the article. Be sure to let me know if, & when, your local paper runs an article on your achievements, ok?"   

Wow! How blatant!  I remember feeling as though such appearances in articles meant that I was something.  I wasn't sure what but it must mean something because people made such a deal over it.  How amazing to see it through such different lens. 
Did you show that PS to your daughter?

So thank you, GS...

Certain Hope - I am really moved that my ramblings have been helpful to you.  So many times, I have been thankful for the anonymity of this place because I have felt so exposed when I have posted, often imagining others on the board sighing to themselves or in the hidden world of PMs, "There she goes again.  I wish she would stop blabbing so much.  Why doesn't she let someone else have a turn."  Of course these thoughts have nothing to do with my experience here and everything to do with the wretchedness of my self-condemnation.  But it is a surprise none-the-less and a comfort, that anything I have posted could have meaning to you.  A surprise and a strange feeling of acceptance and meaning or value.  Thanks for those kind words.

your friend - Gaining strength

[teartracks]

Hi GS, Hope,

Certain Hope - I am really moved that my ramblings have been helpful to you.  So many times, I have been thankful for the anonymity of this place because I have felt so exposed when I have posted, often imagining others on the board sighing to themselves or in the hidden world of PMs, "There she goes again.  I wish she would stop blabbing so much.  Why doesn't she let someone else have a turn."  Of course these thoughts have nothing to do with my experience here and everything to do with the wretchedness of my self-condemnation.  But it is a surprise none-the-less and a comfort, that anything I have posted could have meaning to you.  A surprise and a strange feeling of acceptance and meaning or value.  Thanks for those kind words.
your friend - Gaining strength

I love how you said this GS.  I hope everyone who reads this will know they can post with confidence and acceptance.

The board is what we make it.  So for any timid voiceless ones lurking in the wings, step out on the stage here and tell us YOUR story.  Your voice is important and having someone hear it is important too.

tt

[Certain Hope]

Dear GS,

This afternoon, my mother called. That's so rare... I thought maybe there was an emergency and I picked up.
Her demanding tone:  "What's new?!"

It was surreal. The entire 23 minute call was like one long, resentful complaint because of her accusatory tone, her negativity.
She sounds severely depressed.
My answer to her "what's new?!" was "nothing thrilling"... but this time I was consciously thinking, "Nothing which you would find impressive enough to discuss with interest."
Told her I'd been vacuuming and had to stop to get duct tape, to repair a break in the attachment hose... and that's when the phone rang.
Her humorless reply...  "oh, so it needed some duck?"  ha. ha.
My feeling - how fake, she's trivializing, mocking me.
I plowed ahead, telling her how I may just locate a new hose online, as the motor still works well. Told her I'd replaced the roller brush this way, for just $7.00, instead of buying a new machine.
She knows nothing about using the internet (and I can't think of a single time when she's actually been interested in hearing from anyone about anything about which she doesn't already know or had experience.... so I knew this would fall flat.
And it did.
She launched into this whole depressing spiel about "things" (ironic tone) getting tired and wearing out. Martyrdom was so thick in the air you could slice it. I remembered how she gloatingly predicted, at our last visit, the many dire consequences of old age to which I could look forward.
I told her about the kids first couple days at school, and their band activities, and she was obviously bored. HER thought was to suggest that we could go to the city for cultural exposure... a symphony... (mock, ridicule - we live in a small town, so aren't we just so deprived)
so I told her about the tickets I got online for Yoyo Ma's performance next year, in a town less than 2 hours from here. bleh.

Her reply: "I haven't had reason to go there, have I?"
Well, no, mother, I don't believe you have.
heh. End of that little portion of my news.
She had no story to tell about her experience there, so it died on the vine.

Good GRIEF! I saw and heard it all, her entire warped, rigid routine, so clearly.

Then she says:
"And your husband[/b]?!!? What is HE doing?!?!"
This is where it got really freaky.
Man, if you could have heard the venom... it was startling.
She clearly despises him.

Know why?
She made burgers while we were visiting their home.
Her way, as it has always been, is to serve them plain, like a ground round steak.
For years, I couldn't refer to these patties as hamburgers. "Oh, no, it's GrrrOWnd RrrOWnd."
And there was my sweet, forthright, blunt, adorable husband who says what he means and means what he says.
And he asked for a bun.
        
OF ALL THE NERVE!! 
 I almost died on the spot.
He survived. And he got his bun.

Later, he asked her for a fan for the bedroom we were using, which was upstairs @ 120 degrees F.
If he wasn't already on the S-list, I fear that sealed his fate in her eyes.

He had her # from the get-go and she knows it. He doesn't play games.

But then he despises my brother, too, but at least he has exciting stories to tell... all about his trials with getting his Porsche back to the US from Poland. He bought her a mink, dontchaknow? 

But I, alas, am utterly useless when it comes to inflating her ego.
Bah.

She is a miserable, awful woman and she groomed me to read between her lines so that I could serve her forever.
 She wants me or my husband or our kids to do some great thing so that she can puff herself up about it.. and that is the extent of her interest in us.

GS, you wrote:  I am seeing past my "non-deserving" status unspoken but implied and recognizing the "corrolation" that if they have it I don't want it and seeing a combination, "if they have it then I don't deserve it" and even worse, "if it exists then it stands as a symbol of your undeserving."

Exactly. That is just how I've felt, as well, all of my life.  Thank you so much for expressing it in this way. Gives me hope in all of my ramblings... and encouragement to continue.

Tt,

I have to say that if I felt like this was a stage, I couldn't share this way. I know that my own rambling style is not some folks' cup of tea and that's understandable... and perfectly okay! I'm only thankful that sometimes a connection is made, as we're doing here, each in our own way and style, as we're able.
For those who are quiet readers... to each his own... there is no right way of doing this. Please dive in, as you're able and so inclined, brief or lengthy, whatever it takes.

With love from your friend,
Hope

P.S.  Gaining Strength -  Daughter S hasn't seen that P.S. from her grandma yet. I don't know... will show my husband and see what he thinks. Just read it this morning myself, after kids went to school. Always, I put these letters out on the counter for everyone to read, but no one does. These attitudes must have been clear to my kids all along... they're good kids, sweet and thoughtful... but they're not interested in communicating with my parents. All I can think is - they see.

[teartracks]

Hi Hope,

Yes, I agree that whether a person quietly reads or jumps in...it's all good.   

tt

[Gaining Strength]

I am finding this more difficult than I had hoped.  But then it does make sense.  I am tired and trying to overcome very negative thoughts from a lifetime.  I am trying to restore a house I have never liked and that, thanks to Hope, I realize holds negative symbolism from both my childhood and my marriage and the dreadful period after my husband's death when I was completely abandoned with way too much to handle.  And now I am facing all of that and trying to change my negative thoughts and habits, trying to overcome the habit of  powerful self criticism and shame that got me into this mess in the first place. 

I am definitely not sinking but I am not breaking through yet either.  It is hard.  I will get there but I just have to have someone to talk to about it.  I am alone in all of this and I am thankful for this place.

I know that the only way out of the complete failure to thrive is to learn to believe in myself and to overcome the shame and condemnation by my father and the utter lack of help from any family member across my entire life.  I do have the solution.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it happen but I must keep my eye on the solution and that is to keep my mind trained on the positive and to believe. 

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((((((((Gaining Strength)))))))))))))))))  Dear, you started over on the day that you chose to live...
your house just hasn't awakened to that fact yet. The time will come when you'll show it who's the boss... and then it will be a home.
For now, let the home of your heart be decorated with the assurance that there is one Father who knows you inside and out,
who has always loved you, with an everlasting love, and He says:

"I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

With love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Aww, GS...

I wish I could take a weekend and fly down to help you,
and then spirit you back up here to help me!

Can't tell you how I've yearned for the sort of girlfriend I could "swap help" with that way.
My closest local friend came by once but communicated so much disinterest that I let it pass.

Hops