Hi Ladies,
Here are a couple of Dr. G's articles. I'm as big a fan today as I was the first time I read them.
Introduction
Introduction"If I asked you what children need in order to be psychologically healthy, you would probably answer: love and attention. Of course, you would be right--love and attention are essential for every child. But, there is a third psychological need critical to the emotional well-being of children: "voice."
What is "voice"? It is the sense of agency that makes a child confident that he or she will be heard, and that he or she will positively impact his or her environment. With this sense of agency comes the implicit belief that one's core has value. Exceptional parents grant a child a voice equal to theirs the day that child is born. And they respect that voice as much as they respect their own. How does a parent provide this gift? By following three "rules:"
Assume that what your child has to say about the world is just as important as what you have to say.
Assume that you can learn as much from them as they can from you.
Enter their world through play, activities, discussions: don't require them to enter yours in order to make contact." (From Giving Your Child Voice)
Did you receive "voice" as a child? Were the important people around you, your spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend, children, parents given this gift? If not, you or those closest to you may be locked in a battle for emotional survival without knowing it. Voicelessness takes many forms: relationship problems, depression, anxiety, over and under-achieving, narcissism, addictions, etc. All represent self-defeating or failed attempts to solve an unsolvable problem: needing one's very essence to be seen, heard, and appreciated by people incapable of doing this.
I have appreciated the many comments I have received. I look forward to hearing from you.
Little Voices
(Prior version excerpted in a guest column at The Natural Child Project)
If parents do not enter a young child's world, but instead require him or her to enter theirs to make contact, the resulting damage can last a lifetime. In "Voicelessness: Narcissism," I presented one way adults react having experienced this scenario in childhood: they constantly try to re-inflate their leaky "self." However, different temperaments spawn different adjustments: some children, by their very nature, are incapable of aggressively seeking attention. If no one is entering their world, they unconsciously employ a different strategy. They diminish their voice, make as few demands as possible, and bend themselves like a pretzel to fit their parents world.
To secure their place in the family, these children often become expert in intuiting their parents' feelings and moods and automatically responding in ways they deem helpful. In effect, they become good parents to their own parents.
What happens when these children enter adulthood? Depending on personality and history, there are different possibilities. Here are two:
Some become gentle, sensitive, and non-assuming adults. They are also generous and caring, often volunteering for charitable organizations, animal shelters, and the like. Frequently they feel other people's pain as if it were their own, and are racked by guilt if they cannot somehow relieve this distress. Many seem to tiptoe in and out of rooms. Unfortunately these qualities also allow them to be used and abused by other people, for they are unable to stop giving without feeling they are bad or unworthy. Having a secure "place" and providing for others' emotional needs are inextricably woven together. If they are not providing, they feel they are no longer part of anyone's world, and they have no value to anyone. Their self-esteem is completely dependent upon responding to others needs. In extreme cases, their "voicelessness" is so complete, so consuming, these "little voices" literally are silent for long periods of time. This is not a form of passive aggressive behavior (as has often been suggested) or even a retreat from relationships. Unless asked direct questions, they simply can't think of anything to say. "What do you want?" (now, this week, this year, during your lifetime) is impossible for them to answer. Early in their childhood they stopped wanting because no one paid any attention to their wishes. Their place in life was to know what everyone else wanted--this is the only place they felt comfortable and unthreatened.
Other "little voices" ultimately become aware that they have sacrificed their independence, their "voice," in bending around others, and become negative and bitter. They are exceptionally sensitive to what they perceive as the non-responsiveness of people around them--precisely because they compare their own generous nature to the words and actions of others. Almost everyone comes up short. As a result, they are viewed by others as "critical" and difficult to get along with. They are easily slighted and prone to angry outbursts. The theme of their anger is often: look what I've done for you, and look what I get back. And yet they are trapped, because if they stop anticipating everyone's needs they feel invisible. Sometimes, these "little voices" live with (or close to) their demanding and unappreciative parents until the parents die; they deeply resent siblings who managed to escape.
"Little voices" are the polar opposites of narcissists. The former relinquishes all "voice," while the latter gobbles it up. When the two are matched in a relationship, the potential for physical and emotional abuse is high. Domestic violence cases often involve "little voices" and "narcissists." Yet, the under-entitlement of "little voices" and over-entitlement of narcissists are both methods of adapting to the same phenomenon: childhood "voicelessness." Interestingly, the same voice-depriving family can produce "little voices" and "narcissists." Why is this so? Genetic factors probably play the biggest role. Narcissism requires aggression, "little voice," passivity. Birth order may also count: if one child strives aggressively for family resources, it is that much harder for the next in line to compete using a similar method.
In this essay, I have talked about extreme cases of "little voice." But in fact, many of the people who come to see me share, at least to some extent, the experience of "little voice." They have unconsciously diminished their presence in order to find a niche in their family and a place in the world. To be seen and heard, they feel they must take care of, or bend around, others. Luckily, "little voices" can be helped. The healing process requires a therapist who understands the historical roots of the problem and is capable of developing a client's "voice" through a genuine, empathic relationship.
