Causes of Shyness

[Certain Hope]

Dear Pennyplant,

Maybe there was something special about that newspaper photographer... 
a sparkle in his eyes  
And also, maybe he didn't get so close as to invade your space. Seems a fact that even the youngest children do know when a person
is genuine... my kids did... and I have a strong hunch that I did, too.
 Ahh.. I wish, sometimes, that we could recall what was going through our minds at that age!

And I've been remembering today... when my second daughter was very small, she was always an observer at family gatherings.
I can still see her in the highchair, so somber and serious... just watching. She cwould get very silly, alone with me and also with her older sister... laugh and sing and just be all-around goofy... but when the rest of the family was around, there was a definite change in attitude.
A guardedness.
My other 3 children were much more outgoing and un-"shy" as infants and toddlers.... but not this girl. She seems to have had that inborn... reserved-ness... something I didn't seem to aquire till later, school-aged.

The more I think of all you've said, I'm seeing alot of similarities between what you've expressed about yourself, Penny, and how I imagine my 2nd daughter may have felt.
She's 20 now, and just married this past May... and in many ways, I think that was her "escape"... because I can imagine her feeling pretty crappy at the prospect that she might end up facing the sort of life that I've lived... and yet not know how to choose otherwise.
Also, from a young child, she was fascinated with ufo's and aliens... identifying with little green creatures quite strongly, it seemed.
So now she's jettisoned off to her own planet... and I don't feel that she blames me, but more like she thinks that I wouldn't possibly have a clue how to live a better life, the sort she desires... lots of longings there, I think.
Anyhow, only just pondering... and appreciating more than ever the opportunity to learn your perspective, because I've never before been at a place where I could do that.  Was always too bound up in knots to see "me" clearly, let alone anyone else.
So... thank you again... with hugs.

 (((((((Changing))))))  &   ((((((((Izzy)))))))   Thank you so much for your sweet hearts and sayings. I saw your posts this morning when I first logged on and can't tell you how much your thoughts lifted my heart. Been going strong here ever since, out of joy, not duty or to earn... anything...  and just really appreciating the difference. (hope that makes sense)

and (((((((Peace)))))))  I wrote this in between chores today and just came in to
post it when I saw your notes.
Thank you... and I want to say that I'm with you in that shock at receiving complements.
Although I do receive them from my husband now, for the longest time -especially after npd-ex -  my natural internal reaction was... "whatdya want?!"  :S  Never said that, but that's how it felt. It just seemed so... foreign.
There's been so little that was genuine in life.
But more and more now, I really can't comprehend people living together in families as we did and never, ever offering the slightest word of praise or encouragement... not even so much as a, "you look nice!"  Kindness, concern, interest, connection... that's alot to grow up without.

You wrote:  "I have been thinking back over my childhood, and am seeing another pattern emerge - one where my being shy fitted in with who they needed me to be to fulfill their beliefs or needs rather than who I was at all."

I hadn't thought of it in those terms... that they needed someone "shy"... the missing actor in their little drama.
Yikes.
I'll have to think on that, but at first blush, it makes sense... they surely didn't need another "star", clown, or queen.
Oh, yes, I think it makes very good sense. Thank you, Peace!

With love,
Hope

[finding peace]

Hi Hope,

I had the same response:  whadya want?  Whenever someone in my FOO gave me a compliment, it was because they wanted something from me or it was an insult disguised as a compliment. 

I have been thinking more about what I wrote "one where my being shy fitted in with who they needed me to be to fulfill their beliefs or needs rather than who I was at all."

I wanted to clarify that I don't think they did this deliberately.  It was more that I developed the characteristics of a shy person, because any behavior of mine that didn't fit in with that personality type was put down, sometimes with sly verbal attacks sometimes quite physically. 

My mother needed to be the only female in the house - she needed to cater to my father and Bro, and she had a very, very rigid belief system that allowed for no individuality.  (A lot of that belief system had to do with children, especially females, being seen but not heard - and that all women should be the fainting wall-flower types who should have someone [a husband] to make all decisions for them and take care of them - [so very, very far from what I believed!]  If I so much as expressed that I had a different take on something (no matter how benign), it was ruthlessly mocked and ridiculed.  My F on the other hand had to be the center of attention - it was quite comical (and many times ruthlessly abusive) the extent he would go to to make sure all eyes were on him.

Your post has been a real eye-opener - and really has me re-examining yet another assumption that I had that turns out to be not necessarily be true. 

Thank you so much!
Peace

[Certain Hope]

Dear Peace,

This is so helpful... thank you, too!
I understand what you're saying about us fitting into different roles in the family... that it wasn't something they did deliberately.

I'm recognizing that my acting out the role of the compliant one was not a natural thing at all, but due to a combination of fear (shyness) and an observation of the family dynamics... seeing the roles which were already occupied. If not for my brother the "star", I think that I may have more outrightly occupied the position of "individualist", but as it was, I held all of that within... only sporadically letting out a burst - like at 13, when I announced to my mother that I saw no point in continuing music lessons because I clearly was not going any further in that. By the way that she talks now about my youngest daughter (16) now,
I have finally recognized that what she's always wanted was a "music major".
Interesting, because she never plays any music, never attends any concerts, so I think this is some residual notion she has left over from her own upbringing... which she tried to imprint onto me... and now, my daughter.
Anyhow, I think that's when she cut me off - at 13.
 I made my attempt at individuating by quitting those lessons... and , I was gawn. That was just exactly when I needed to be drawn closer... with acceptance...  but from that point on, there was no further discussion, input, counseling, encouragement, help, support, nada... re: my future. I had dared to say that music was not "it", so the rest was up to me. But there was no "me"... she'd already assured that. ouch.
And so, for the rest of my life, there's been this deep sense of failure, glossed over by my own weak attempts to fulfill the other roles I'd seen acted out - the clown, the star, and mostly... the queen. Can't beat 'em? Join 'em.
Big ouch. That one I'm still facing down and trying to mop up consequences with my 2 oldest daughters.

Peace,

My mother needed to be the only female in the house, too. Thank you so much for that clarity and simplicity. That's the bottom line. She wanted me out and out of her way. The thing is, her belief system was the exact opposite of your mother's... she wanted a ruling female - just not ruling over her. Not my style at all... my own belief is somewhere in between... and I'd seen more than enough of her trying to change and rule over my dad to know that was not the way to do a marriage. On the other hand, my dad would share your mom's belief system... lol - oy vey. But he didn't "make it so"... and talk is cheap. I often wish he had... but that's another story.

You wrote:
If I so much as expressed that I had a different take on something (no matter how benign), it was ruthlessly mocked and ridiculed.  My F on the other hand had to be the center of attention - it was quite comical (and many times ruthlessly abusive) the extent he would go to to make sure all eyes were on him.

Exactly. I now recognize that all of the "humor" used by both of my parents as mockery and ridicule. I have strong memories of trying to speak with both of them... about anything - just trying to voice a view, an opinion...
 and being treated like I didn't have a brain in my head. Nothing I ever said seemed to be taken seriously... and the feelings that created have stuck with me for a lifetime:  worthless, inept, dull, not deserving consideration, a waste of time and effort. That's what really set the shyness in stone. Lack of nurture, exactly.

I really appreciate you, Peace... and thank you for bringing this back up.
There's more here, I know. A call from my mother yesterday silenced me for the rest of the day. It's so good to speak again.
There's more to come on this business of shyness. I'm not sure what exactly, but we shall see.

Hope

[Certain Hope]

This topic of shyness is so intertwined with both shame and high sensitivity, that I'm still researching and putting together bits and pieces. This particular excerpt reminded me of my many dreams in childhood... where someone was after me and I was too frightened to run, but thought that if only I could convince the baddies that I was dead, then I'd be safe.

Also, I found Carol Burnett's comment so interesting... there's a certain element in shyness which does seem like a cry for attention, in some ways, and I think that I've always sensed that and so discovered that it was actually less attention-drawing to at least put on a social face rather than make people feel that you're withdrawn or unsociable. So some of the compensating has been an inverted form of shyness, it seems.

Excerpted from Shyness: What It Is, What to Do About It
by Philip G. Zimbardo          (pgs. 31-32)
 
http://books.google.com/books?id=IU-YYV3IJxMC&pg=PA32&lpg=PA32&dq=shy+extrovert&source=web&ots=rMIXSfP0HD&sig=9_UarDSV0PRV-PBeNtbYiUiJCnk#PPA31,M1
This section of the book preview discusses the burdens
of the publicly shy person. I'm typing this up because I don't see a way to copy and paste from this google book preview, which is like a picture, not a document ... so here goes:

Remember Rosie Grier?
 
Philip Zimbardo describes the "low-road route" Rosie took in irder to hide his childhood feelings of inadequacy, by lying low, shutting up, standing short, and if "they" don't go away, at least they won't notice you.
 
The publicly shy cannot readily communicate their fears, uncertainties, good qualities, and desires to the the appropriate others.
Putting themselves in these nonreturnable self-containers,
they don't get the help, advice, recognition and lvoe everyone needs at one time or another.
 
.... not being able to ask for help for a personal problem also means a person can't benefit from the expertise, wisdom, and chicken soup that is available.
 
Then on pg. 32 there's this bit about "Shy Extroverts", which is what I originally set out to explore:
For the shy extrovert...
"nobody else knows how much it takes to pull of that confidence game.
Too much nervous energy is expended in anticipation of the event and wasted on minor details of its execution. Such people may come to be seen by others as overbearing, slave drivers, or on an ego trip. Sadly, even success does not always bring satisfaction. The shy extrovert, all too aware of this tremendous emotional investment, expects perfection as the natural outcome, and is satisfied by nothing less.
 
Shy extroverts typically surprise their friends or the public when they come out of the closet to declare, "I'm shy."
"No, not you! I mean, you're so successful. You perform in public, you've got friends, you tell jokes, sing, dance, go on dates."
Privately shy performers often escape detection.
They keep their anxiety to themselves, concealing it by well-learned social skills, sometimes drowning it with alcohol, or by avoiding situations where they are not in control.
 
The book continues with some interesting comments by famous personalities re: their own struggles with shyness and then on pg. 34, there's this comment from Carol Burnett re: the "complex motives of the shy performer"...
 
" I discovered long ago that shyness is often intertwined with a sort of off-beat selfishness. It's hard to explain, but while you are honestly timid about facing people on the one hand, on the other you are demanding recognition for yourself. You are (fearfully, yes!) saying. 'Look at me! Accept me!' "
 
On page 58, there's a brief account:
 
"Sometimes shyness is triggered by the personality of the parent:
    My shyness was prompted by my ungrateful sober father, whose disposition can be likened only to Sir Walter Scott's description of his father:
' A man with temper constantly unstrung who disapproved of anything and everything we tried to do to please him; who spoke with a forcefullness that no one dared or could ignore.'
So, shy I was for many years, out of sheer frustration!"   ....
....and then, unfortunately, the book preview cuts off, but one statement on pg 168 really intrigues me:

The basic principle behind any program to make you more effectively assertive is action. We have seen over and over again
that inaction is the most characteristic feature of shyness."To act or not to act" is the question to be resolved for the shy person.
Shakespeare's Hamlet dallied around for the entire play before he stopped talking to himself
about whether or not he....     and yup, it cuts off again, but still - plenty to consider here. I've spent alot of moments on inaction and really want to eliminate some of the intensely uncomfortable, lengthy hesitations in my own life.