Dear Pennyplant,
Maybe there was something special about that newspaper photographer...
a sparkle in his eyes
And also, maybe he didn't get so close as to invade your space. Seems a fact that even the youngest children do know when a person
is genuine... my kids did... and I have a strong hunch that I did, too.
Ahh.. I wish, sometimes, that we could recall what was going through our minds at that age!
And I've been remembering today... when my second daughter was very small, she was always an observer at family gatherings.
I can still see her in the highchair, so somber and serious... just watching. She cwould get very silly, alone with me and also with her older sister... laugh and sing and just be all-around goofy... but when the rest of the family was around, there was a definite change in attitude.
A guardedness.
My other 3 children were much more outgoing and un-"shy" as infants and toddlers.... but not this girl. She seems to have had that inborn... reserved-ness... something I didn't seem to aquire till later, school-aged.
The more I think of all you've said, I'm seeing alot of similarities between what you've expressed about yourself, Penny, and how I imagine my 2nd daughter may have felt.
She's 20 now, and just married this past May... and in many ways, I think that was her "escape"... because I can imagine her feeling pretty crappy at the prospect that she might end up facing the sort of life that I've lived... and yet not know how to choose otherwise.
Also, from a young child, she was fascinated with ufo's and aliens... identifying with little green creatures quite strongly, it seemed.
So now she's jettisoned off to her own planet... and I don't feel that she blames me, but more like she thinks that I wouldn't possibly have a clue how to live a better life, the sort she desires... lots of longings there, I think.
Anyhow, only just pondering... and appreciating more than ever the opportunity to learn your perspective, because I've never before been at a place where I could do that. Was always too bound up in knots to see "me" clearly, let alone anyone else.
So... thank you again... with hugs.
(((((((Changing)))))) & ((((((((Izzy))))))) Thank you so much for your sweet hearts and sayings. I saw your posts this morning when I first logged on and can't tell you how much your thoughts lifted my heart. Been going strong here ever since, out of joy, not duty or to earn... anything... and just really appreciating the difference. (hope that makes sense)
and (((((((Peace))))))) I wrote this in between chores today and just came in to
post it when I saw your notes.
Thank you... and I want to say that I'm with you in that shock at receiving complements.
Although I do receive them from my husband now, for the longest time -especially after npd-ex - my natural internal reaction was... "whatdya want?!" :S Never said that, but that's how it felt. It just seemed so... foreign.
There's been so little that was genuine in life.
But more and more now, I really can't comprehend people living together in families as we did and never, ever offering the slightest word of praise or encouragement... not even so much as a, "you look nice!" Kindness, concern, interest, connection... that's alot to grow up without.
You wrote:
"I have been thinking back over my childhood, and am seeing another pattern emerge - one where my being shy fitted in with who they needed me to be to fulfill their beliefs or needs rather than who I was at all."I hadn't thought of it in those terms... that they
needed someone "shy"... the missing actor in their little drama.
Yikes.
I'll have to think on that, but at first blush, it makes sense... they surely didn't need another "star", clown, or queen.
Oh, yes, I think it makes very good sense. Thank you, Peace!
With love,
Hope