I feel invisable

[Poppyseed]

CB,

It rained here at my house all day yesterday and all night long.  I opened the windows and breathed in that wet, clean air.  I just had to smile upward at the sweetness of the timing.  I think sometimes God really knows me.

Light,  You probably think that I have babies.  I talk about having babies a lot.  But my youngest is 3.5 years now.  She is off to school and gymnastics.  She is a little fireball.  And my budget is really happy that I am not buying diapers.       You are probably the greatest mom!  Your kids are lucky!!!!!!!!

[lighter]

You mean 3.5 isn't a baby, lol?

::gulp::

I really need a little dog to nurture, don't I, lol?

[Certain Hope]

You mean 3.5 isn't a baby, lol?

::gulp::

I really need a little dog to nurture, don't I, lol?

NO - You need a ferret 

Another day of rain here...     waves and hugs to y'all.

With love,
Hope

[Poppyseed]

I need to ammend my earlier statement.  And I say this in jest......

I am only invisable until I make a mistake!!! Then everyone seems to pay attention!!

[teartracks]

Pops,

When I read your original post on this thread, I remembered someone on the Members Stories board saying that they sometimes felt like they were disappearing.  It was towrite.  Then I wondered if maybe there is a connection of sorts between what you describe as, I feel invisible and towrite's description of feeling as if she is disappearing. 

towrite says:   We moved to a house just the three of us. My mother attempted suicide again. I had the chicken pox and was in bed. I remember all these people trooping past my room down to her room and not one of them stopped to see how I was. I thought it was b/c I was disappearing, a feeling which was to stay with me the rest of my life. By now, my father was extremely jealous and defensive about my grandfather & grandmother who tried to help. He ran them off. M hired a nanny for me and I loved her. She was all I had. One morning I woke to find her bed empty. There was a note on her pillow. I was 3. Mother read the note and told me she was gone b/c she "had gotten in with a fast crowd." I asked her to explain and she never did. I always thought it was b/c of me. Secretly I thought it was [/b]


Poppyseed says:   more whisperings from inside myself.......

I feel invisable.  I feel small.  I feel unnoticed and overlooked sometimes.  Maybe even ignored.  Or at least diminished or tuned out. I used to to change myself to somehow earn love or acceptance or inclusion.  I don't do that anymore.  I am just me...just me.  I am reaching out in love.... quietly desperate....hoping not to be batted away or unacknowledged.  I hide my feelings because I know no one will hear. I sometimes express my feelings and wonder if I am the only one who does hear.  Sometimes I feel that I am overflowing with so much to give! even though it may appear a widows mite.   It sometimes feels like sending my best efforts and seeing them bounce off and fade away into the void.  Like that analogy....about the tree falling in the forest....if no one is there to hear it does it make a sound?


(Had a few interactions with my F this weekend.  These feelings bubbled to the surface.)

tt

[Poppyseed]

Hello TT,

Towrites story is heartbreaking.  Thanks for thinking of that.  I think earlier in my marriage....maybe three years ago....I knew I was literally disappearing.  Felt like that picture of Michael J Foxs' family in "Back to the Future."  Thiis feeling of being invisable seems somewhat different than that to me.  It feels now like I know I am here....and to some extent feel whole....and then I feel the heartbreak of not being heard or responded to or validated or included.  It feels like everybody in my world wants me around, but it seems they want me around only on their terms so that I act and speak and behave in ways that make them feel good. And when I am myself, it feels like I have violated some code.  Like I stepped into the room and the red lights and alarm bells go off.  And then the soldiers come to contain me......

Maybe this is close how Towrite felt.  Her loves, needs, wants, were completely ignored and even railroaded.  I feel like sometimes I flip between being a child and being an adult with these feelings.  Trying not to be afraid of them ( you attract what you fear).....afraid of what it means about my worth when it happens repeatedly....know it is happening right now in my life and trying to self talk my way out of unhealthy conclusions.....fearful that I am somehow making it happen.  It kinda sends me in circles.

As my healing progresses, I find myself in a state of restoration much like Ami described on another thread as I try to bring back those traits in myself I have lost or decided to hide away.  I am learning to love "my way" of doing and being.  I think I get stuck with my interactions with the world.  I sometimes see it here on the board.  I find that I can't open up.  Can't share myself with others.  I stay in this protective stance and only venture when I feel I can handle whatever happens or venture when I have nothing to lose.  I don't really like this position, but I the last years have not been filled with enough information for me to behave differently at this point.  I used to put such pressure on myself to socialize or to "share" with others with that "nothing ventured, nothing gained" attitude.  But the consequences have been too painful for me to handle.  I have attributed that to my wounded state and so I took the pressure off of myself to venture.  No shame if I don't feel strong enough to do something that today. 

Now, I am feeling stronger.  And so I have been venturing out into the social realm.  Trying to understand the invisability I feel as I try to interact.  Wonder at my reactions and feelings.  Trying to self observe a bit.  I still don't know what to do with all of it. What do I do with a need to be connected but an environment that doesn't seem to meet the need and infact creates more pain.  For the most part, I have handed it to God.  He knows all of these people in my life.  And he knows the people (friends I haven't met yet) who might appreciate my way.  I am waiting for the mountain of pain in my heart to lessen so I won't be so afraid and I am hopeful that God will send people to bless my life. 

Just the other night, we went out to dinner with friends.  I was myself every minute of the visit.  I was nervous but thanks to a little pep talk from Lighter, I gave it my best shot.  I didn't censor myself.  I tried a little humor.  It all went great.  I felt a little shaky.  And wonder if they will want to call back. Trying not to predict the worst.  But I decided I have to trust them to be my friend in what ever mood I may find myself and trust them to like me anyway.  At the same time, I am trying to practice being authentic.  Practice not reacting with self hatred and reproach when the reaction on the other side isn't what I had hoped.

More rambling.....sorry I started typing and just kept going!  Trying to convince myself that if I do talk someone will listen! And Ive almost got myself convinced, that if I am the only one who hears that is something!
 

[sun blue]

All your posts about value and worthiness leads me to wonder out loud the same question I have often struggled with, even in therapy sessions.  It is this:  Can a person have and feel real value and worthiness if no one regards them as valuable?  When no one finds you valuable, do you still have value?

I've had people tell me "Of course you have value even if no one finds you valuable."  But how does that really work in reality, day in and day out?

Hmmmm.....just wondering.

[Poppyseed]

Sun Blue,

YOU UNDERSTAND!  YOU UNDERSTAND my dilemma.  THANK YOU!

Poppy

[cats paw]

Hi Poppyseed,

  I'm glad you kept typing.  I can relate to a lot of it.  I was disappearing in many ways these past ten years of my life.

  Yes, it is most important that we hear ourselves, but sometimes knowing someone else has heard, too, helps us  learn what to listen for.  

cats paw

[Hopalong]

Hi Poppy, Blue...

I think it's important to know or go out and find somebody in your life you can say those words to. For me, when a friend can't be there because they're too distracted, if my need is acute, I'll go to one of my ministers for a short talk. I'll say, I don't need you to fix this but I'd like to share something about how I've been feeling (lonely or unappreciated or whatever). They are compassionate listeners, good people I trust.

A few minutes of that and it lifts. It really does.

Doesn't have to be anyone that formal, but needs to be someone who doesn't recoil from true feelings. You can find them...

love to y'all,
Hops

[Poppyseed]

Hops,

I so hear you on this....but I must admit that I struggle with it. I have been trying to take this advice for a long time.  And I really do reach out to people in lots of different ways.  Not only to talk about my crap but to connect as part of my neighborhood or church.  I think that the problem is I am not finding many good people I trust.  I do have a great T and a great Bishop at my church.  I have talked to both of them.  But I find that if I even mention or hint at my personal struggle, the recoiling happens.  I even feel the rejection when I try to engage in normal stuff.  For example:  We moved into our new house last Nov.  My kids were struggling to make friends, so I planned a few parties.  We invited lots of little girls over.  I invited the moms to stay.  We had a lovely time but I haven't heard from anyone since.  No reciprical play date invitations.  No thank you notes or recognition when we walk by each other at the elementary school.   I have offered to babysit my neighbors kids with no acceptance of that invite. Except for one who just sends the kids over and goes to play gold without asking or thanking.   I have tried to make new friends it seems whenever I feel strong enough not to care about outcomes and even when I do care.  My relatives agree that I am just one of those "undesireables".  My T thinks its a "Job (old testament) thing".  She doesn't see that there is anything wrong with me.  I don't think there is anything wrong either.  Maybe it is just requisit that I learn to have a great relationship with myself first.  I am trying not to judge others.  Trying to be patient with their weakness or be aware of struggles they may be going thru.  I am praying for answers and for help.  I don't know all of it yet.  I  think that so many experiences in my life seemed to tell me that I wasn't  worth the best of care and love and all the rest.  I am trying to believe, with as much faith as I can muster, that I am good even if the world doesn't respond.  But I will tell you what -- it is something I battle every day.  Where do I find my worth?  Where am I needed?  Where will I be valued?  Maybe my life will be more of a personal struggle for me.  Sometimes I wish I could be content as grizzly adams -- happy living alone and enjoying the earth.  But dang it.  God made a such a social creature.  Seems like such a conflict.  Wanting to interact in freeflowing ways with the world and finding such surprising and painful results on the other end of the venture.

For now Hops, I am trusting myself.  Trusting my healing principles.  Trusting in God that He can restore all things to my life -- of course in His timing and wisdom.  I think for now, I don't want to be silent anymore.  I don't want to settle for accepting the "labels" or projections from those unhealthy ones in my life, even if they are my parents and my il's and for a long time my H.  I would like to remove the fear I feel when I know the rejection or the cutting off or the recoiling happens.  Don't want to feel damaged or defective or less than or undesireable anymore.  And I sometimes find it hard to feel that way, when I say to those I love "I feel ..... or I need......" and they reject.  The evidence to my non-worth seems a daunting foe.

[Poppyseed]

I took my 3 year old to gymnastics today.  My kids asked my parents to come and see them while they practice.  It has been an ongoing invitation and today my parents showed up at the gym.  I hugged my mom.  My dad really didn't acknowledge me.  He moved away so the hug wouldn't happen.  I tried to start conversation.  It was painfully quiet.  My father would look me in the eye and immediately look away like I had engaged him in something abhorent. I was gracious and appreciative of their visit for my little one.  My mom walked my D and myself to our car.  My father went to his car alone without saying goodbye and picked up my mom at a corner away from me.  I left feeling a combo of not really caring -- letting them be whatever they will and also wondering what I had done to deserve that treatment.  We are not in a fight.  There has been no event or anything to explain his behavior.  It is just par for the course.  I don't know if he is angry with me or wishes he had a different D or just stuck in his own issues.  I still feel like that little girl in the room and remind myself that God is my Father and He won't treat me that way.  And I thank God that I finally have the wherewithall to hand my father back his "stuff" without taking on yucky emotions!!  But as strong as I am becoming, I still feel the sad regret of what could have been. 

Oh well.  Enough whining about my daddy issues. I thought I had moved past a lot of this.  For some reason, it is all coming to the surface again.  Not my favorite realization.

[Hopalong]

I think you're right, Pops...you do need an overflowingly positive relationship with yourself.
(I'm working on it...easy to say, not so easy to do.)

You gotta fall in love with something.

For me, the only satisfying antidote to loneliness is something creative. Could be painting,
potting, no matter what...but if I get into the "flow" of creating something, I completely
forget I'm lonely. I could arrive at the class lonely, but if it's the right thing (at one time
it was pottery, for me), I'd leave feeling deeply connected, happy, released.

There's just no way ever to be happy dependent on others' responses. I've been going
through some lonesome "invisible" times too, in my social circle. I'm single, caretaking an
elder, and so many people I know are preoccupied with their families...but it's okay.

I know you're likeable, Poppy. You just aren't convinced of it yourself. So when someone
wanders off not noticing that they're taking attention from you and not giving back, there's
no "HOLD UP! That's not how it works with me!" vibe to stop them. At least that's my guess.

(I have a very individuated friend who's awesome at this. I take mental notes, is all.)

love
Hops

[lighter]

Sorry your father was cold and distant.  Worse even than that, I suppose.

His loss and if he could do better, Poppy.....

he would. 

He can't and I'm just so sorry about that. 

There's obviously some terrible old business playing in his head that he can't figure out.

You, at least, have the ability to figure out what's in front of you and what's real, or not.

You can choose to concentrate on the positives and grow them. 

Ignore the negatives, esp the ones you have no power over, and keep building good things.

((Poppy))

[teartracks]

Hi Pops,

As my healing progresses, I find myself in a state of restoration much like Ami described on another thread as I try to bring back those traits in myself I have lost or decided to hide away.  I am learning to love "my way" of doing and being.  I think I get stuck with my interactions with the world. 

It was probably necessary when it happened, but when I dropped out of denial and went into recovery/renewal, I left all of the 'before' behind.  I guess my thinking was ,  Look where that got you!  Total disillusionment, disappointment, emotionally unskilled, brokenhearted, abandoned by the coping self that was birthed at about 2 1/2 years old for the sole purpose of protecting me from the unbearable.   So there I stood alone, empty looking for a way to make a me.   I think I deleted the posts, but I exclaimed to members here that I was searching for a way to make a me.  I had no idea where to start.  The only two sources I could think of were the Bible and a good book on etiquete.  Looking back it all seems incongruous, but I was that bad off Pops.  I didn't know how to go on.  I stayed that way for a long while.  A year or more.  I kept pecking and pecking away at information looking for an answer to what had happened to me.  Dr. G's essays were the most valuable for they gave me enough traction to get started.  I had a few inklings before, but not nearly what would be necessary to fix me.  But I kept at it.  I was extremely ignorant about it all.  Dysfunction was not a part of my vocabulary.  Recovery was not a part of my vocabulary.  I had enjoyed many personal successes, but there I stood, a shell.  For all practical purposes I was invisible.  There was no one inside.  I should add that I had experienced many tragedies along with the successes.  Multiple marriages  and divorces.  Then the sudden death of my two beautiful sons in a small plane crash.  There was plenty to push me over the edge.  Life came up from behind and kicked me good.   Why am I telling you this on your thread where the focus should be on you not me?  Well, it's because I want you to know that there is hope.  I want you to know that even when you can't see or feel progress, you are moving ahead in the process of healing.   I say it over and over here.  Time is on your side.  For the one dedicated to healing, it will come, but not all at once and not necessarily the way you envisioned.  I know it is counter intuitive to suggest embracing the painful circumstances you're in, but if you can remember that as you move from one plain of understanding and healing to the next,  only to experience  a new kind of pain, progress is happening. 

At some point, I went back and cautiously started reclaiming my past.  So many good things had happened.   Though it was probably necessary for that particular point in my healing to leave it behind for a while,  reclaiming it was necessary for the restoration you spoke of. 

I don't know all the answers.  What I've said may not be useful.  I hope it will minister to you in a positive way.

tt