I feel invisable

[Poppyseed]

more whisperings from inside myself.......

I feel invisable.  I feel small.  I feel unnoticed and overlooked sometimes.  Maybe even ignored.  Or at least diminished or tuned out. I used to to change myself to somehow earn love or acceptance or inclusion.  I don't do that anymore.  I am just me...just me.  I am reaching out in love.... quietly desperate....hoping not to be batted away or unacknowledged.  I hide my feelings because I know no one will hear. I sometimes express my feelings and wonder if I am the only one who does hear.  Sometimes I feel that I am overflowing with so much to give! even though it may appear a widows mite.   It sometimes feels like sending my best efforts and seeing them bounce off and fade away into the void.  Like that analogy....about the tree falling in the forest....if no one is there to hear it does it make a sound?


(Had a few interactions with my F this weekend.  These feelings bubbled to the surface.)

[CB123]

Hi Poppyseed,

You arent unnoticed.

You know what?  I am still trying to get used to your new name.  I get confused sometimes.

You are special part of the board, and I am glad you are here.  Can you talk anymore about how you are feeling? 

Love
CB

[cats paw]

Poppyseed,

  You used to be M-o-4?  Just to say hello, and I think that is insightful for you to connect how your feelings are affected, and also to post about vulnerability.

cats paw

[lighter]

Wow,, Poppy.

You are so funny..... you hold THE most important job in the world.

That small alone feeling inside you is fear and you can figure it out and counter it.... because you're smart enough and have to.... you have to teach little people how to problem solve and value themselves, yes? 

Replace it with a new feeling.....  A better one. 

Start treating yourself like you're the most worthy person you know.  Be kind to yourself.  Nurture yourself and guess what..... you'll start to believe it.

I can't do it all the time for myself but..... I have done it.  Many times and understand the dynamics. 

Each time I backslide I learn more from fighting my way into the light again. 

It's a process and building new habits doesn't happen overnight for any of us.

I've been eating my way through comfort lately.... it's about time to start a new workout regime, to include my girls, and hit the protein shakes in the morning again.

I can do this.  I know I can.  One good feeling leads to another and it's amazing what a little positive effort can bring.

Esp when I don't want to make ANY effort on my behalf. 

 

[Iphi]

Hiya Poppy.  I liked how you posted your feeling experience as you did here.  How did it feel to just say what you were feeling?  Reading it I realized - wow I never do that.  I think it is awesome. I love that you did this - it's really fresh and real like organic produce picked this very morning with the dew on it.

And I think the content of your share is such that it brings something in the darkness of my unconscious into some light.  I recognized part of what you said, but did not realize it meant that I felt invisible.  Does that make sense?  I mean - I feel often like I can't say anything and am not seen and that my actions have no effect, or conversely, horrible unintended consequences.  I recognize voicelessness, which I had always called within myself - Silence or hiding, or muteness.  I have to capitalize the S, though I can't say why. Silence is a country maybe, I guess.  A great deal of my life is in the Silence.  All of the life that is not about socializing.  It's a huge overwhelming thought to me to start bringing things out of my Silence just as you did in your post, by saying - that's where you are.

And yet I think our genius as people is probably something that arises from the invisible part, the silent part.  So - and I don't know what I am talking about just feeling my way forward - there's the silence imposed on us and then there is the silence of potential - the silence that is spiritual maybe.  You know, like formless - like inspiration.  Like a knowing.

Man if our Ns can't even see what is really there, they will never get to the silent knowings. kwim?

Maybe I just need to drink my coffee here and wait for my head to clear.   

[Certain Hope]

Dear Poppy,

I can relate...  when feelings have been held in, or just completely unrecognized for so long, they tend to develop a life, an objective of their own when first released. This is natural and normal and just a phase, I am sure.

If you're like me, you're so accustomed to doing, and helping, and twisting yourself like a pretzel in order to accomodate everyone around you... wow, there's a vacuum when all that behavior ceases... and nature abhors a vacuum. It's up to us to choose how to fill that void. I thought I had it beat when I conquered the old perfectionism, but that was just the beginning.
Beneath all that was the need to be filled by something other than what I was able to do, and beneath that was the need to be loved by Someone to whom I had nothing to give.

I'm so glad for you that you chose to express your feelings here.
For me, anyway, feelings hold far too much power over my thoughts when they remain unexpressed, and that's when the whole picture begins to warp.

And... this may be premature, but your feeling of overflowing with so much to give... Poppy, that's part of the whole "highly sensitive" scenario that I know so well. I think back to some of your earliest posts here and how I was absolutely tongue-tied in trying to respond... just brimming over. My fingers trip over each other just remembering... and same thing now... but I do understand.

With love,
Hope

[Poppyseed]

Thanks all.  I posted these feelings because they have been floating close to the surface for a few weeks now.  My weekend cabin trip with my FOO seemed to bring these feelings to the surface , so I wanted to give them a voice before they sunk back below the surface again. I feels a little random and I guess that I am self observing a bit right now. Trying to listen to myself.  Looking at those feelings and trying to determine origins.  It feels like part of the great unwinding or undoing effort I am commited to.  And like you suggest, Lighter, I do need to replace it with something.  I like what you said here and on another thread about knowing that I am worthy and vital and valuable. And not worrying so much if I don't believe it quite yet.  That will come.  Kinda feeling today, like I need to plant myself in that position and nurture myself and keep myself immoveable from that spot of earth and then wait for the roots to take hold.   I am practicing being kind to myself and nurturing myself.  Probably doesn't look like that.  That is actually why I posted.  It probably did sound like more sob story -- poor me.  And maybe it is at some level.  But somehow I was writing it outside of myself.  Didn't really explain that did I?  It is all feeling in dark sometimes. Discovering as I feel my way through......

Iph,
Your post meant a lot to me. Thanks for seeing it the way you did.  You helped me understand it better myself.

And to the rest....
It does take courage to post here. Not knowing what reactions you will get.  Not knowing what decisions others willl make about you and trying, for me, to learn not to care so much.  Learning to receive the love that is there.  I try to breath in the positive, to let it sink in.  I try to appreciate the offering of all of you in responding.  Thanks for listening.  It is a powerful support to me.  

CB, I don't know if I am in the right headspace today to share more.  It would require me to detail my relationship with my father.  I am not sure I need to.  I think today I would like to look at my feelings and learn once and for all to change them to more positive stuff.
Poppy

[Poppyseed]

Just wanted to add one more feeling here.......

I know the importance of personal responsibilty...of self care.....of filling my needs myself etc.  For right now, I am going to put that to the side and say this:  Today I want to say that I AM HERE!  I am good and I have a lot to offer.  I am fun and insightful in my own way.  I AM !  you know?  I AM!  And maybe.... just today.....or just for a minute or a second.....I would like to feel someone answer back. YES, you are here!  I see you!  I value you!  I love having you in the room!  I am glad you are my friend!  I like you just the way you are.

Would it be bad to want something like that?  Just for a moment.  And not live in what sometimes feels like the " dessert of self care"  all the time.  Maybe it could rain, just once?

[Poppyseed]

PS.  Not trying to solicit anything from the board.  Just putting the feeling out there. Ok?

[Certain Hope]

I just looked outside and it is raining 

Once in awhile somebody will say that they're glad I'm here and I'm shocked.
You're way ahead of me, Pops.

This is an unsolicited vote of support - I am glad you're here and I am glad I'm here. Gee, I'm glad we're here together, Sis

Love,
Hope

[Iphi]

Hey - I see you  ;D   I am glad you are here and sometimes you go quiet for a while and I think 'where is Mof4/Poppyseed.  Hope she is around."  I like your posts even though I don't always respond.  Also, I love the new username.  I love poppyseeds. 

I am reading this book written by a guy who had a spiritual experience and he said he had many perceptions, such as that there is a lot more to light than we recognize and that it is Love.  He actually mentioned that by way of making another point and did not write more about that.  But that is on my mind today and when I went out at lunch time (it is very bright out where I am) I enjoyed feeling the warmth of the light falling down upon me and purposely thinking of it as love for me, falling down all upon me - and love for all falling down upon all.  Put me in quite an excellent mood. Soaking it up (with sunscreen on however).     Of course the sun beating down doesn't work quite well with your desert metaphor... uh but we could think of it as nurturing too.   

[Hopalong]

Iphi, this is lovely:

I think our genius as people is probably something that arises from the invisible part, the silent part.  So - and I don't know what I am talking about just feeling my way forward - there's the silence imposed on us and then there is the silence of potential - the silence that is spiritual maybe.  You know, like formless - like inspiration.  Like a knowing.

Poppy, I'm glad you share the great unwinding...what a wonderful description.

thanks,
Hops

[lighter]

I SEE YOU POPPY!

::waving::

You've made posting here more entertaining and you've given me pause to really consider that I think about nurturing myself but I don't always follow through. 

I see me...

 when I see you.

[Poppyseed]

Lighter,  I SEE YOU TOO.  There is a spark in you that always makes me smile.  It just happened again.  SPARK!   

CB, YOU Heard me and got what I meant.  Thank you.  You are right.  It is kind of a shout out to the 3D world.  Stuff I can't really say out loud.  Thanks for the wishes.  I want to believe with all my heart that the world is a friendly place.  And somewhere inside of me I still believe!! Just got to get rid of some of these ingrained filters so the sun can shine thru!  And I want so badly to stand up straight.  I can get myself there for a time and then it seem to slip away.  Practice and determination and time, I guess.


I didn't know how deep these feelings went until after I posted.  I have been dreaming about it.  And as I go thru the day, memories of past experience where I felt so unseen as a child, young adult, adult,etc. are rushing to my mind.  It is hard to explain, but  I think there must be some greater benevolence in it.   In my years of working thru my crap, I have noticed that things unearth themselves when I am ready.  Feels like God is bringing up all of it for me.  Leading me to face it.  Maybe I can finally lay it to rest.  You know, I am learning so much.  I am starting to believe that I am good and that my past doesn't have the power to make me bad.  I am learning that others opinions don't have the power to make me bad either.  Still so much more I need to learn.  And today, I think it is ok to wish a had a "bosom friend", as Anne of Green Gables puts it.  Any Anne fans out there?

Thanks for the waving and raining and understanding!  I am learning, also, that maybe it is ok to recieve love.  It is has been a handicap in me for so long. That has been ingrained in me as something shameful.

Wishing all of you a rainy day!   

Poppy

[lighter]

Light one of those really nice smelling candles and enjoy bf that baby.  I wish I could bob around in a tub with a baby again..... those were splendid days and I really really really really did..... make that whole time in my life a ritual of nurture.  I think nurturing them was even more nurturing for me.