Hey Hops,
Trying so hard to fall into a great love with myself. Seems so shameful to say outloud but I am fighting that impulse and standing strong in the faith that it is a good thing to love myself the way I want to love others. It is a hard lesson. But I am determined to learn it. I feel the love you have for yourself. It radiates from your posts. Maybe I will be like that someday. I pray for it all the time.
TT,
Your road has been a hard one. I appreciate you sharing it with me. I appreciate your honesty. I feel your care, and your words do minister to me.
Thank you!
I know there is hope. I know that progress is there. I know I am whiney and when I am whiney, my belief in that may not come through. But I am hanging on through the hard times. I am actually very patient with the feelings I am having about my father. You know, I think I idolized him for so long and I felt ( when I was younger) that in comparison with my mother, he was my only ally. He and whatever he could give was all I had. It was all I knew. But I am recognizing that the self-destructive voice in my head may echos of him, or patterns of his way. I know he is very hard on himself and he doesn't know how to recieve love. Gosh, I love my dad. I love him so very much. Tears are coming to my eyes as I type this. I think I know he loves me under all that stuff with which he can't do better. But I must keep my eye on the ball. The unwinding! that is my work. Unwinding why I believe all this muck. I think that the truth is that I chose to become invisable. I chose to give into the system to make things "work" or to get through the day. Maybe to some extent, I was a peace at any price, and the price was me! It is a price I am not willing to pay anymore. I want better. I deserve better. And maybe, TT, I am impatient for the better (poppy's character flaw number 63
)
I used to fight against my circumstances so much. And I guess I fluxuate in various degrees of acceptance now. Sometimes the acceptance makes me so profoundly aware of the losses. And other times, when I am centered, I feel great power in myself in the most peaceful ways. It is a great thing. No need to lash out. No need to react at all to my father. Just feeling the sadness.......and trying to unwind the belief that sinks my ship.
Thanks for showing me that you were "undefined" at one time. And thanks for showing me your strength now. I still have questions about the claiming of the past. What does that look like? What does it entail to accomplish my goals in efficient ways? Still trying to decide what that piece looks like for me.
Pops
Lighter,
I will stay to the postive! I will! My mother hugged me and walked me to the car. She is so different these last two years!! She even noticed I had a cold and told me how sorry she was to see me so sick. There is always good and always hope. Thanks for the nudge!
