Ready to Leave Scared to Go

[bluemorning]

I have been with what I now know to a NPD man for 9 years as of next month. I am a therapist and should have seen this... but kept believing it was me, his job, his son, his stress. The man has no heart, no compassion, no empathy. He is like a walking corpse... I know this sounds awful... but he is like the undead. He can make a threat to leave me one afternoon, and fully ignore me - not speak - for two weeks, then come back and ask if "we can talk" to probe me to enjoy more of my pain and tears. When I go against my good sense and talk to him, always he will allow himself to be "persuaded" to stay. We have gone through this cycle at least 25 times. The first 18 months of our marriage we could not live together because his needs "to finish raising my son" (who was 18 when we married) was too great. I wound up homeless for 10 days because in a rage he struck me and i called the police. i left when they took him away. he did not ever hit me again. I never returned to that house.

I want out but I have a house I cannot pay for alone. I need help and support to believe it is not me. He literally does not speak to me, spend time with me at all, for weeks on end, then will demand sex, and when I refuse he belittles and mistreats me. His touch makes me cringe.

Help.

Blue

[teartracks]

Dear (((((((((((((( Blue))))))))))))),

Welcome to the board.   I'm going to be reading along as you tell us more.  Stay strong.  This may well be the place where you can gain just the perspective you need to face the heartache you're feeling.

tt 

[axa]

Blue,

The good thing is that you recognise what you are dealing with and see the light.  I know how painful this is but trust me it can only get better.  Many of us here have a background in psychology, which to me seems like a disadvantage.  I think we try and see the good where there is no good.

Reading your post reminded me of my own experience, the horrible punishment that has to be endured when you are in a relationship with an N.  Well done for taking the first step of taking off the rose tinted glasses and yes, they are like the undead.  I think of them as soulless people.  Get as far away as you can and as you may have read in some of the posts the clearerst way out is No Contact.

Thinking of you,

Axa

[lighter]

Hi Blue....

sounds like it's time to fine a really cool roomate.  I really miss my really cool roomate.

If it's your house, then it's a moral imperative, yes?

Are you married to this man.  I can't tell from post, sorry if it's there. 

Easier to eject him you're not married and I'd say it's a bit past time too. 

You;'re going to be fine.... these things just take a bit of getting used to then, once you believe, it gets easier.

Start thinking about what you need to do in order to get free. 

Start pulling back when he's around and observing, stop reacting.  Pay attention to how it hurts you inside and begin viewing from a distance.

This doesn't sound like a relationship you want to sustain.

How do you take care of you, while exiting?

Welcome.  You'll get lots of support here: )

[Ami]

Dear Blue,
  My N mother is a raging NPD and a therapist. Therapy effects the head(often) and the heart stays in darkness and ignorance.
  Blue-- you have found a home here. You are not alone. There is nothing that you could say that we could not understand or that someone else has not gone through.
   Welcome, My Friend                                           Love   Ami

[JanetLG]

Blue,

I'm sorry you are going through all this when you don't deserve it. I lived with a man who sounds a lot like your husband. In the end, I got away from him. In the end, you will too. And then, you will look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Not that you will deserve any blame...but when your self-esteem's on the floor, self-motivation is so very, very hard. I do feel for you.

Janet

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, Bluemorning,


I'm so sorry you've had to deal with the manipulations of Npd in marriage and just want to offer you every possible encouragement to keep placing yourself into supportive environments. This is a great place to begin.
Blue, he hit you once in a rage. You drew a firm line in the sand and he's not physically assaulted you again... but - he could.
Npd unmasked is a whole other animal. Have you told him that you believe he's N? Just please be cautious.

From what you've described so far, he has done just what N does... very much like my ex. As you change the terms, he will keep trying to get it back to where it was... and you're the only one who can keep it from going that way. It's not you... but you can call a halt to this.
I think that contacting some attorneys about protecting your financial security would give you a good idea of what you can expect and also give you further confidence, just from being informed. And I like Lighter's idea of a roommate! And maybe a very large, snarly dog who adores you and never leaves your side.
Please take good care.

Hope

[cats paw]

Hello Bluemourning,

Let me retype that-

Hello Bluemorning!

  I misspelled that, but it's interesting that I did, huh?  I remembered some lines in a song when I saw your your screen name -
something about-  "blue morning  blue day  won't you see things  my way"....

 You mentioned that you've been through the cycle at least 25 times.  What do you think is different for you this time?

  I know you'll get great support from the people on this board who have walked this road.  What are your 3d supports?

cats paw

[Poppyseed]

Hey Blue,

I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but your descriptions sound like abuse to me.  And you simply deserve better.  This man does not sound like a person who can give you the abundance of love and joy you deserve.  It sounds to me like an old fashioned water pump that forces you to work and work to get the tiniest trickle of water.

You are beautiful.  You are strong.  He has had his time in the "controlling your life" position. It is time for you to embrace taking the reins. 

Do you ever listen to country music?  One song by Rascal Flatts is coming back to me now..... It is called "Stand".

When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of,
You might bend til you break, cuz its all you can take,
On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough,
 You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands shake it off,
Then you Stand!                   


I am learning to Stand up on my own two feet. I am also learning with my own circumstances that there ARE better houses and better people out there!!

Much happiness to you my dear!  Welcome to the board.  Lots of strength to be gained here!

--Poppy

[Hopalong]

Dear Bluemorning,
Welcome here, and congratulations on your bravery. It has to be so difficult and painful.
I am so sorry you've been buried in such a suffocating, witholding, nasty relationship.

Beyond him (you will get SO beyond him), I think the biggest solution is to reclaim your self-respect. Ns give
us such an emotional battering (and in some cases blows)...that I think it's easy to go into almost a trancelike
state. We can be nodding our heads to the safety lecture while our feet repeatedly walk into the fire.

Perhaps for you, picturing yourself as a decent, deserving client to whom you want to give the best
attention you've ever given anyone, might help. What would you tell her? How would you help her work
toward a feeling of deserving rich existence?

You've found what is for me one of the most amazing places on the Internet. We help each other and
there's no co-insurance! 

Hopalong

[bluemorning]

Dear Everyone Who Replied To My First Post
I cannot tell you how helpful it was to read your posts. I called my therapist today (I talk with her on the phone once a month and have worked with her for 10 years) to set up an appointment. Over the last year I have come to know that my mother is an N. So... it appears I've repeated my family history by marrying one. I think just writing here will help me. I am so afraid to finally admit that two of the people I love most (or thought I did) are not people who can or have loved me back. But I am admitting it. I realize that both of them have a nightmarish emptiness and  I cannot help them. Luckily both my sons are grown and this man is not their father. I have recently accepted a position with a major university as a faculty member and know that now as I leave my private practice, I do not have to depend on my husband for my insurance (I also have lupus and fibromyalgia.... which he laughs at when I describe my fatigue and pain and calls me lazy when I am tired.) I have so much rage and hatred toward him I can barely stand to be near him. I also get so angry at myself because even as my inner voice screams Do NOT ENGAGE some part of me comes forward and tries to make nice with him so the tension in my home is lessened. The only thing I cannot do is have sex with him. It is like my soul just says "NO!!!!!!!!" and so I avoid it at all costs. This enrages him because it is the one aspect he cannot control. He admitted to me a long time ago that once he raped a girl. Or as he said "Forced my myself on her." I remember that he had this musing offhanded way of talking about it... he said I wonder if she remembers it. This strikes ice in my blood now when I think of it. And it scares me that I am so ill (am I???) that I would remain in this relationship and fool myself. Part of me continues to say "This is you, it's your fault, your perceptions are skewed." What scares me so much is that it is like my head will bob up and I'll get a glimpse of this reality, then I'll be submerged in just trying to survive it again to get relief momentarily from the pain and anxiety of it.

I've left bad relationships before, but I've never had the difficulty I've had in getting out. It just occurs to me that he has kept me so anxious about HIM leaving ME that I've never really committed to leaving him. Or seriously figured out how to do it. Your advice about the attorney is good advice. Actually I have the name of someone and will call them.

Thank you so much,

Blue

[Certain Hope]

Dear Everyone Who Replied To My First Post
I cannot tell you how helpful it was to read your posts. I called my therapist today (I talk with her on the phone once a month and have worked with her for 10 years) to set up an appointment. Over the last year I have come to know that my mother is an N. So... it appears I've repeated my family history by marrying one. I think just writing here will help me. I am so afraid to finally admit that two of the people I love most (or thought I did) are not people who can or have loved me back. But I am admitting it. I realize that both of them have a nightmarish emptiness and  I cannot help them. Luckily both my sons are grown and this man is not their father. I have recently accepted a position with a major university as a faculty member and know that now as I leave my private practice, I do not have to depend on my husband for my insurance (I also have lupus and fibromyalgia.... which he laughs at when I describe my fatigue and pain and calls me lazy when I am tired.) I have so much rage and hatred toward him I can barely stand to be near him. I also get so angry at myself because even as my inner voice screams Do NOT ENGAGE some part of me comes forward and tries to make nice with him so the tension in my home is lessened. The only thing I cannot do is have sex with him. It is like my soul just says "NO!!!!!!!!" and so I avoid it at all costs. This enrages him because it is the one aspect he cannot control. He admitted to me a long time ago that once he raped a girl. Or as he said "Forced my myself on her." I remember that he had this musing offhanded way of talking about it... he said I wonder if she remembers it. This strikes ice in my blood now when I think of it. And it scares me that I am so ill (am I???) that I would remain in this relationship and fool myself. Part of me continues to say "This is you, it's your fault, your perceptions are skewed." What scares me so much is that it is like my head will bob up and I'll get a glimpse of this reality, then I'll be submerged in just trying to survive it again to get relief momentarily from the pain and anxiety of it.

I've left bad relationships before, but I've never had the difficulty I've had in getting out. It just occurs to me that he has kept me so anxious about HIM leaving ME that I've never really committed to leaving him. Or seriously figured out how to do it. Your advice about the attorney is good advice. Actually I have the name of someone and will call them.

Thank you so much,

Blue

Oh, Blue... reading this gave me chills. He sounds so very familiar... and besides his more blatant nonsense, I'm sure that you've been dealing with an entire atmosphere charged with ambient abuse.  His offhanded remark re: having forced himself on a woman and then wondering whether she remembers...  ugh. He's been trying to keep you blindsided via smoke and mirrors, but you're on to his methods and that awareness will lead you to safety. I believe in you... in your strength and determination to break out of survival mode.

With love,
Hope

[axa]

Authentic,

Your post reminded me of a conversation with XN.  I once said to him that I had never been around anyone who hated me so much, his response "you know I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!

axa

[changing]

Hello Bluemorning-

I came to this board a couple of months ago crazed with pain, asking for help, not knowing how to wrest myself free from an intolerable situation with my NH. I have received steady support and sage advice from generous people here who sincerely wanted me to be free and happy. Since then my NH has left, and I have found the peace and joy that were missing for so long. I have also seen the origins of my own personal pathology, and am working to understand those deficits in my being that contributed to many of my troubles. This was not possible while I was enmeshed in my destructive marriage.

I know that you deserve a happy and fulfilling life, and though it may be a bit scary, you will feel the heady freedom and delicious happiness of life as it should be lived as an intact soul with an authentic voice, rather than a beaten-down ,abused , fragmented inchoate creature. We are going to become even stronger from this process of re-emergence- you are not alone in this-and I wish you love as you take your next step.

Hugs,

Changing 

[Poppyseed]

I know that you deserve a happy and fulfilling life, and though it may be a bit scary, you will feel the heady freedom and delicious happiness of life as it should be lived as an intact soul with an authentic voice, rather than a beaten-down ,abused , fragmented inchoate creature. We are going to become even stronger from this process of re-emergence- you are not alone in this-and I wish you love as you take your next step.

Beautiful comments,  Changing!  Looking forward as I have been tasting some of that heady freedom and delicious happiness!!  Thank you for saying it so well!


And to Blue Morning,
Sounds like you are gain clarity.  Hope you are doing well.

Poppy