A Good Friend...

[gratitude28]

Hi All,
I need some insight into a situation...
We moved to this particular area because my dear friend went out of her way to find us a house nearby and was so happy to have us move near her. She helped me in every way possible to find a house on the same street as hers so we could be close. She has been a friend for years - 12 or so. She was with me throughout my first pregnancy and when I gave birth to my son.
So... what's my problem???? Well, I am afraid of annoying her or think sometimes that she is bored with me. We have always had boundaries in that since our husbands are gone often, we spend time together when they are at work or gone mostly - with a dinner here and there for all of us. Our kids get along great. There are days when we see each other and days when we don't, but we talk almost every day.
I guess I am asking - how do I stop being sensitive to everything and worried when she is such a good friend?

[cats paw]

Hi Gratitude,

   Haven't spoken to you in a long time, I just wanted to take a minute to first say I've always appreciated your acknowledging me when I first came out of lurking.

   Is there possibly a fear of scrutiny that has developed with the two of you living on the same street?  Or a fear that one or the other of you might inadvertently ask too much of the other?  Have the two of you ever talked about these kind of things?

   Just some ideas that came to mind when I read your post.  My BF and I have had a couple of these conversations in the past.

cats paw

[lighter]

Hey gratitude:

I guess you can relax and not make too many plans with her till you feel more comfortable.

In the meantime.... you can suggest possible times and activities and she can firm things up?

It's OK to ask and OK for her to say she has other plans or is busy.

That will happen for both of you.... it's normal.

She likes you and she wants you there with her. 

Embrace that friendship and be happy it's yours.

[Certain Hope]

Beth,

Could this be part of what's happening?

For me, having come to such an awakening of the facts re: my parents and my upbringing, it's kinda become a habit to question reality at every turn... which is a good thing, I think, when not taken to extremes.

When you're shaken to your roots about who you are (which is what happens when I think of all the things my family is NOT)
then... well... are you wondering whether the "you" your friend knows is the "real you"?
I'm not expressing this very well, so I hope you know what I mean... are you feeling like maybe if she knew what you know about your family, then she wouldn't want to be your friend?

With love,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
 I have a similar relationship with Maria. I thought long and hard about how I would handle things. I made up my mind that I would treat her like "family". I would be honest. In your situation, I would sit down with your friend and explain your apprehensions, desires,hopes for the friendship and caring for her. I would talk about things honestly, the way that you do with us.
  My feeling is if I can't be honest about my feelings, I would rather not have the relationship.
 I have a few honest relationships in my life. I value them very much.
  You might be surprised that she is feeling the very same things.
 My guess is that she is. I think that you would be a really nice friend to have                Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Beth,
I wonder if it might be good for you to stretch out a little when you've recovered from the move and find additional friends? I've found the best-friend relationship is comforting in some ways and claustrophobic in others, so I have tried to develop new friendships just to keep a balance.

Otherwise I was slipping into a habit of dependency on one friend and there were boundary things going on that got tough to manage. We had a tough transition period but really do love each other. Now she has also joined another women's group and that's been good for her too. So we're still very close, but not dependent. It feels better.

love to you and speaking of a good friend...to Henry (been wanting to tell you I've fallen in love with French Bulldogs online, since my back couldn't handle a full-sized Henry...they are expensive and out of my reach for now--even rescue groups want hundreds--but their personalities make me so happy just reading about them!)--I wouldn't buy a dog from a breeder anyway. But one day, I hope to have one.

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Hi Beth,
I wonder if it might be good for you to stretch out a little when you've recovered from the move and find additional friends? I've found the best-friend relationship is comforting in some ways and claustrophobic in others, so I have tried to develop new friendships just to keep a balance.

Otherwise I was slipping into a habit of dependency on one friend and there were boundary things going on that got tough to manage. We had a tough transition period but really do love each other. Now she has also joined another women's group and that's been good for her too. So we're still very close, but not dependent. It feels better.

love to you and speaking of a good friend...to Henry (been wanting to tell you I've fallen in love with French Bulldogs online, since my back couldn't handle a full-sized Henry...they are expensive and out of my reach for now--even rescue groups want hundreds--but their personalities make me so happy just reading about them!)--I wouldn't buy a dog from a breeder anyway. But one day, I hope to have one.

Hops

Hops,

I think that is awesomely wonderful counsel!  Same thing in marriage, as far as diversifying in areas of interest... helps to have something different to discuss when the two come together again.

But it's not gonna be easy to shake off that Beagle image... poor little lonely snoopy... I am thinkin that Frenchy will need a canine friend and the two would be a great team... 

Love,
Carolyn

[towrite]

Beth - I know that tendency well. Us NPD survivors had to learn to please the NPD authority figures. I do the same thing, esp. with friends I grew up with from the age when my NM was so actively trying to suck me dry. The only thing I learned that helps is to get centered and focus on myself - what do I want? How do I feel? I was so outer-focused b/c that was my survival technique back in the hinterlands of childhood. But now, if I can do it, I try to keep my own center instead of focusing on others'.

Does that make sense?

towrite

[Bella_French]

Hi Beth,
I wonder if it might be good for you to stretch out a little when you've recovered from the move and find additional friends? I've found the best-friend relationship is comforting in some ways and claustrophobic in others, so I have tried to develop new friendships just to keep a balance.

Otherwise I was slipping into a habit of dependency on one friend and there were boundary things going on that got tough to manage. We had a tough transition period but really do love each other. Now she has also joined another women's group and that's been good for her too. So we're still very close, but not dependent. It feels better.

love to you and speaking of a good friend...to Henry (been wanting to tell you I've fallen in love with French Bulldogs online, since my back couldn't handle a full-sized Henry...they are expensive and out of my reach for now--even rescue groups want hundreds--but their personalities make me so happy just reading about them!)--I wouldn't buy a dog from a breeder anyway. But one day, I hope to have one.

Hops

Dear Hops, I am so glad that you mentioned this: the difference between `dependence' and `closeness' within a friendship.  In Australia, we use the term `being in each other's pockets' , and its usually regarded as something to avoid. Is it the same for you too?

I wonder why we regard dependence in a close friendship as kind of uncomfortable though? I know I do, but I wonder why? I've noticed from my time in Asian countries, that we westerners are regarded as too independent and very strange.

X Bella





 

[Hopalong]

Hi Hope,
At heart, you know I'm a beagle. Just a Frenchie dream...
 
xo
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Hi Hope,
At heart, you know I'm a beagle. Just a Frenchie dream...
 
xo
Hops

   ahh... thank you dear Hops for that reassurance. I am just a mutt, you know... like my Daisy Dawg... long legged and ernry... but a few pretty good qualities, too (although I can't do that snazzy lil pirhouette thingy you do so well)   

xo

[Hopalong]

Dear Bella,
I think maybe over-dependence on one friend is tough.
For example, I have one old friend who would love to move in with me when Mom passes away, but I am hesitant because I think in that case, it would be like marrying her. I care for her but would need more mental space than she does.

You are spot on, imo, that Western independence isn't the be-all we crack it up to be. It often adds up to an in-your-face disregard for how we affect the rest of the world. There are micocosms of that too.

Maybe "in each other's pockets" means fusion, instead of the healthy interdependence. I rely on my good friend a lot. But she is married, and has children and grandchildren. So I don't feel free to expect or demand too much. That said, I've often noticed how much more time she makes for me than some of my more lesiure-class friends do. And that I think is cultural--she comes from a Greek background where people really do get in, and stay in, each others' pockets.

I can see the good and bad of both, so as ever, it's balance, I guess.

I think if I find a partner in life (male) ... I will feel less fragile about female friendships. I do take risks, but it's more often with a large group.

thanks for asking, Bella.

love,
Hops

[gratitude28]

I know that tendency well. Us NPD survivors had to learn to please the NPD authority figures.

I think this is a large part of it. I respect my friend so much and to me she is about an ideal a person as one could want to be. So I fear that she couldn't see that in me - but I think she does. I feel flawed... But after I talked to you all she invited me to lunch with one of her friends and we spent the day together. We both have the same ideas for raising our kids and same philosophies on life. She knows me as I was 7 years ago - which is not quite the person I am now. Now I like being with women (I had the mantra of not wanting female friends back then). Also, I was very leery of religion, which I am not now. Those are major changes. But she seems to take it all in stride. Like the kind people in my life (my mother in law, my husband, etc), she takes me for who I am, and doesn't pick me apart. So I need to accept that. My only worry is boundaries with her - but if there is a time when she needs to do something, or I do, there is never a problem. I guess it is just so hard to believe that someone really likes being with me that much.

We actually are reunited here with a huge group of new and old friends and it has been lovely. Last night we had dinner at another friend's house - we had never met their two youngest kids. I am stunned by what nice friends we have and feeling so happy that we are with them. I think maybe it is a hard transition from my youth, as my parents do not have any long-term (or very few) friends. They live in the past as far as their relationships go - whereas I feel that we have grown with the friends we hold dearest. Like a marriage, friendships grow together or you separate.

[gratitude28]

Carolyn... Reading back I see you said the same thing about marriage - great minds think alike lol.

Hopsy, I ADORE Frenchies. They are charming and silly. They are sweet companions. People here seem to like the Mini Bulldog - strange. It is a created breed. I looked them up on the internet and apparently they have reduced some of the health problems in forming this breed. I am not so sure... The thing that crqacks me up is that people around here buy the "Designer Mutts." Heck, I am thinking about buying two cute dogs, breeding them and selling them for $3,000 each as a designer "brand." How bout a Frechie Poodle. LOL.

Ami, Yes, my friend and I are like family. We have been that close since we met. We went to the bathhouses togehter in Japan (nekkid lol). We've done clubs together and she has introduced me alll around the neighborhood. She really is like family, I need to accept her as such. Actually, she is better than family lol.

are you wondering whether the "you" your friend knows is the "real you"?

Yes, Carolyn, I am afraid this is part of it. I don't think I could tell her much more about myself - we have shared just about everything... but I think this feeling still lurks.

Thanks all for your help. I feel much more settled.

Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Hi Beth and Henry,

I know...ethically I'm all about mutts. Seriously. I'm sort of shocked at myself. Well I could never afford a Frenchie anyway so it's not likely to happen. I would only want one that's been rescued, so as not to feed the dog breeding industry.

What I fell in love with were the consistent, consistent descriptions of how humorous and silly and very funny these goofy, clown-hearted dogs are. I don't want a mournful dog! (Cover your ears, hounddogs.) I want a GOOF!

I crave laughter so much. Any four-legged friend who'll help me find it will be my mate for life. And I'll pay 'em back in bellyrubs.

xxoo
Hops