Mother's Day Messages

[Michelle]

Hi Sjkravill-

There is no acknowledged conflict between my mother and I...  I do whatever I can to keep the peace.

 

What would happen if you confronted your mother on your feelings?  Does she have any idea or do you just know that it would be useless to even try?  Just curious on that one.

But in the end, I really feel the need to do things in my own time, in my own way.   With my own independence.
I am starting to understand my voicelessness.

I am proud of you for beginning to see your need for your own voice!  Hooray!  I think that was the very beginning of my eyes being opened to how I "needed" things to be for "ME"!!!!!  I wish you lots of time to figure out what is best for YOU, not your mother.  As we all know here, if we don't take care of ourselves, who will?  Sad, but true!

Best,
Michelle

[Michelle]

Hi Spirit -

I did not send any message, in fact I am not in touch with my parents for about a year and I think it is a brave thing to do for me.

I agree with you - that is a very brave thing to do - to take care of YOURSELF!!!!!  It is hard to do, but essential to your emotional health!

I am sorry that your mother cannot hear your voice.  Your voice is strong, kind, caring and DESERVES to be heard.  I hear you, Spirit.  We all do.  Keep finding your voice and be proud to have it!

Michelle

[Michelle]

Wildflower -

And elsewhere I posted that she knew I was in trouble (teachers, school counselors, a child psychiatrist all told her I was in trouble – deeply hurt, even) but she didn't help me or find help for me.

I am so sorry to hear that.  A mother is SUPPOSED to be your caretaker, the one who is MOST concerned about you in the world.  That was not the case with your mother and you did not deserve to be treated that way!  

I don't know how to deal with that realization either.  I handle it pretty much the same way as you do - by being angry as hell about it, then mourning over the loss of my childhood.  I guess at this point in the healing process, that's all we can do.  

I am proud to be here for you.  I am proud of you for being stronger than your mother.  I am proud of you for helping yourself to heal.  Continue down this road, Wildflower.  It is a long and hard one, but I know there must be something beautiful and special waiting just for you at the end!

Michelle

[Michelle]

Hi Morgan - Welcome!  It is great to put a name to a voice!  

I hereby propose that we inaugurate an Anti-Mothers' Day -- the purpose of it being to celebrate freedom from awful childhoods -- there could be an Anti-Fathers' Day too.  I'm going off to compose some tasteful greeting cards for the occasion.

GREAT idea!  Keep us posted of your greeting cards....I'm sure they will be useful to us all!  

Michelle

[Portia]

Post deleted. I asked a question but really it's not my job or responsibility to ask. Progress.

[Anonymous]

What would happen if you confronted your mother on your feelings?  Does she have any idea or do you just know that it would be useless to even try?  Just curious on that one.

Hi Michelle, thank you for being so supportive and encouraging...
You got me thinking...
Does she have any idea?  I really don't know what she thinks... She either blows things out of proportion or she thinks everthing is peachy.  I
I guess right now I am far enough away physically that I can tolerate her behavior. It doesn't make me too crazy... I guess I have more immediate crazy makers to worry about.  But should we ever live in the same town some more serious boundaries might have to be set.
I also don't think confronting the behavior would do anythig but hurt her feelings and bring on more guilt trips.  It would not stop the invasion of my space.  When I am around her, and I do set boundaries, I just keep repeating myself "I have a right to say 'no'.  I am not a terrible daughter."

I guess it's choosing the lesser of the two evils.  I can either just try to ignore it (because the distance keeps it from being too invasive)  
Or I can hurt her feelings... The feelings of guilt overwhelm me.  So, because I have too much on my plate right now, I opt out of facing her on this directly.  I may get there some day... but, I am not strong enough for it right now.  

Thanks for the thoughts! sjkravill

[Michelle]

sjkravill -

After I reread my question, I hope I wasn't being invasive.  I also wanted to clarify that I was not implying that you need to confront her on this issue....Just wanted to make that clear.

I guess it's choosing the lesser of the two evils.  I can either just try to ignore it (because the distance keeps it from being too invasive)  
Or I can hurt her feelings... The feelings of guilt overwhelm me.  So, because I have too much on my plate right now, I opt out of facing her on this directly.  I may get there some day... but, I am not strong enough for it right now.

I feel the same way.  Right now, my mother is incapable of "hearing" me.  Everything I have tried to say in the past has been turned around on me somehow.  Strange, but true.  

Thanks for the insight.  I am always curious about how people have handled that situation....mostly b/c I haven't been able to do anything about my situation but ignore it and set major boundaries.  

Thanks again,
Michelle

[Singer]

I'm curious....how does she react when you have to withdraw?  Does she even notice a difference?  How was the time between Feb - April for you when you didn't have any contact?  

Thanks again for replying.  I am keeping you in my thoughts for strength and acceptance.....these are tough times for all of us!  

Michelle

Hi Michelle,

Sorry to take so long to reply; work suddenly got quite busy and I've had to regroup.

The withdrawl period I mentioned from Feb to April came about because my mother and I had an argument and she had hung up on me.  Usually I call again in a week or two, or even a day or two, but this time I didn't. She called me once during that period, but her mode of operation is to pretend nothing had happened and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to pretend. I finally called her at my sister's request, but I'm thinking it was a mistake on my part.

I feel like I need the time to get some important things in my life sorted out, but because she is elderly I have a hard time justifying that.

 It seems like I've based my actions in the past on a lie. Trying to please when there was never any chance of approval. I have to THINK instead of just going through the same old motions and that's hard for me. I don't usually act, I react, and it's not going to work anymore. As if it ever did.


Mostly I'd just like to find out what happened and that's where everyone's stories and experiences are so helpful. Keep talking, people!!

Thanks,
Singer

[Michelle]

Hi Singer!  

Please don't apologize for being busy at work.  That is the beauty of this board...we come and go as we please.  There are no "expectations".  My counselor defined expectation as "planned disappointment"  - so true.  

She called me once during that period, but her mode of operation is to pretend nothing had happened and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to pretend.

Does anyone know why N's characteristacally do that?  Pretend like nothing happened?  It drives me crazy.  Is it just a lack of reality?

I feel like I need the time to get some important things in my life sorted out, but because she is elderly I have a hard time justifying that.

I can understand how the elderly thing gives you lots of guilt, but I hope you can continue to try to put yourself first.  Even if she were younger, but sick - there are ALWAYS, ALWAYS excuses.  My mom's is "you have the only grandkids in the family".  It makes me feel so guilty, but for a minute - then it's over.  I have to preserve my sanity and that means not having her in my life, right now.

 

I don't usually act, I react, and it's not going to work anymore. As if it ever did.

Wow, lightbulb for me.  I need to stop "reacting" too.  I guess they love that.  

Thanks for your viewpoints.  

Keep stopping by when YOU want to,
Michelle

[Singer]

She called me once during that period, but her mode of operation is to pretend nothing had happened and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to pretend.

Does anyone know why N's characteristacally do that?  Pretend like nothing happened?  It drives me crazy.  Is it just a lack of reality?

Michelle,

Had to think about that one for awhile. I know my sister welcomes the calm after one of our mother's storms; she's told me so. I think my brother feels the same. They're both just relieved that the rage is over and things will approximate normal...until next time.

But I don't think it's a lack of reality, it's because once the N has vented her anger, the reality changes and if I, uncooperatively,  persist in trying to get to the heart of what caused the rage in the first place, then I am the difficult one. It's over when she says it's over. End of story.

I can understand how the elderly thing gives you lots of guilt, but I hope you can continue to try to put yourself first.  Even if she were younger, but sick - there are ALWAYS, ALWAYS excuses.

You are SO right that there are ALWAYS reasons why the N comes first. That's the nature of the beast, so to speak.  I remember her dress when I was married. I loved her dress.  It was red velvet and cost six times the price of my cheap acetate dress. I'm not even sure acetate is considered a fabric anymore, or even if it ever was. Isn't it an ingredient in nail polish?  But, the point was, I was too young to be taken seriously, so why bother, and besides she could wear her dress again.  

When I was pregnant she was going through menopause which was far more difficult and significant.  When I was going through a bitter divorce, well that was my own fault. Who could stand to live with me?

My mom's is "you have the only grandkids in the family".  It makes me feel so guilty, but for a minute - then it's over.  I have to preserve my sanity and that means not having her in my life, right now.

You're way ahead of me. It's taken me a very long time to realize that preserving my sanity was even an option.  And frankly, I'm not sure that it is still an option.  

Singer

[Anonymous]

Hi Michelle,
just a quick note.  I want you to know that I don't think you were being invasive at all.  Just helping me to think.  Thank you for your thoughts, and your supportive messages.  They are very appreciated.
For the last day or so, I have been taking a break from journeying in depth here.  I am reading a little, but not thinking very hard or engaging as much... just trying for some momentary peace, I guess (#3)
... more later, sjkravill

[Michelle]

Hi Singer -

But I don't think it's a lack of reality, it's because once the N has vented her anger, the reality changes and if I, uncooperatively,  persist in trying to get to the heart of what caused the rage in the first place, then I am the difficult one. It's over when she says it's over. End of story.

I have such a hard time understanding that.  That is so far from my sense of "reality" in my own life.  I can totally see that you are right though...I'm just having a hard time getting my brain around it where my mother is concerned.  

So I guess your mother - where she had the better dress, her menopause outweighed your pregnancy, your divorce was insignificant to her - all of those are her trying to "one up" you?  How can a mother be that way?  It goes against every fiber of motherhood to me.  Some days all of this "N-trait-understanding" is so overly overwhelming to me.  Today is one of those days.  I just see all those examples of your mom (pretty much mirroring my own mother) as selfish, inconsiderate, immature, crap!!!!!  I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive her for that.  Are you having trouble with that aspect too?

You're way ahead of me. It's taken me a very long time to realize that preserving my sanity was even an option.  And frankly, I'm not sure that it is still an option.  

You could not be farther from the truth in saying that I am ahead of anybody.  I have just started this journey.  But I have received so so so so so so so so so much bullshit from my mom that if I don't cut her off, I'll go off the deep end. No joke.  And referring to sanity, believe me - some days are better than others.  This is obviously a not so sane day for me.  


Chat more soon!
michelle

[Michelle]

Hi Sjkravill -

Thanks for the note.  I appreciate you allowing me to dig deeper into your situation.  If I ever get too deep, just tell me to back off.  I promise I won't take offense.  

Take your time in your journey.  I'm not sure about everyone else, but I just visit when I can.  I also have to take mental breaks.  Things get way overwhelming sometimes.  

Chat soon,
Michelle

[Singer]

You're way ahead of me. It's taken me a very long time to realize that preserving my sanity was even an option.  And frankly, I'm not sure that it is still an option.  

You could not be farther from the truth in saying that I am ahead of anybody.  I have just started this journey.  But I have received so so so so so so so so so much bullshit from my mom that if I don't cut her off, I'll go off the deep end. No joke.  And referring to sanity, believe me - some days are better than others.  This is obviously a not so sane day for me.  

Hi Michelle,

That was just awkward on my part. I didn't mean that I thought you were saying you were ahead of anyone. This two-way communication thing is still new to me.    

I wouldn't recommend going off the deep end, having tried it, (not literally) but I do know about having to cut it off.  There were times that it felt as though I didn't really exist unless my mother was willing to put me into words and I counted on her to do that. It didn't turn out so good, and I wouldn't recommend it.

I just see all those examples of your mom (pretty much mirroring my own mother) as selfish, inconsiderate, immature, crap!!!!! I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive her for that. Are you having trouble with that aspect too?

That's been one of the hardest aspects of this for me. I was so angry when I realized that for all intents and purposes, I'd been had. She considers me a fool, and that's because I let her make a fool of me. So, yes, I'm angry. I'm trying to get past the anger and become detached. I think that would be the best I could hope for.

 When I feel anger, and especially when I try to tell others about my anger, I feel like I'm becoming just like her. Except smaller and made out of cheap fabric. Not a nice feeling.

Take care, (and I do mean that literally   )

Singer

[Dawning]

That's been one of the hardest aspects of this for me. I was so angry when I realized that for all intents and purposes, I'd been had. She considers me a fool, and that's because I let her make a fool of me. So, yes, I'm angry. I'm trying to get past the anger and become detached. I think that would be the best I could hope for.

When I feel anger, and especially when I try to tell others about my anger, I feel like I'm becoming just like her. Except smaller and made out of cheap fabric. Not a nice feeling.

Hi Singer, I've been meaning to reply to you for some time.  You've said things here and there that have struck some similar chords in me and I can sense the frustration you and Michelle, etc feel.  Everybody on the board feels!  That frustration.  Heh..last night I was chatting with my cousin and heard her opinion that my aunt is frustrated with my frustration among other things.  Sheesh, I can't just be frustrated without someone getting offended.     That is the role I played in my family.  Being responsible for everyone's feelings and state-of-mind.  I disengaged to some extent (or I would probably be dead or in an asylum) but "they" haven't changed.  They still want to win "the game." And I still have the memories and those memories hold alot of anger.  I haven't detached from my own anger - and pain.  And I don't have a good plan on how to detach from them.

I wouldn't talk to others generally about your anger (frustration, etc.)  Talk here.  I recently had to draw back from a close friend who thought I was nutso when I brought up my feelings about my mother's rage. I'm trying to find expressions for my anger these days that don't involve cigarettes and beer mainly in artistic pursuits and intellectual challenges.   You are not becoming like your mother if you get angry.  Angry is a normal feeling.  It is the expression that counts.  Am I understanding you correctly?  Don't let your mother get under your skin with her cheap fabric.  I understand those not-nice-feelings too.  Distractions to my thoughts help as a short-term solution but in the long-term, no real change in relating is made by distracting oneself.  That is why I think this board is so therapeutic.  I look forward to hearing more from you.