Mother's Day Messages

[Michelle]

Singer,

Please don't think you offended me by the "you are way ahead of me" comment.  I understood how you meant that phrase.  For my own comfort, I just wanted to explain that I'm not....we are all on a level playing field here.     Hey - just for the record - if you need to vent, i can handle it.  I love that about this board...like you - I was never allowed to have negative feelings.  Well, I can already tell that there are gonna be some major explosions for me in the future.  I can feel a volcano rolling inside waiting to explode and I welcome it.  I worried at first about being that open on this board, but now I realize that most of the people will support and help me through it.  That's awesome.

There were times that it felt as though I didn't really exist unless my mother was willing to put me into words and I counted on her to do that.

I can really relate to that and it breaks my heart into pieces.  We can't count on the one person that we should be able to count on in our lives.  Not that we should literally "rely" on her for our existence, but hello???????  Your mother basically forms who you think you are during your growing up years.  That's her job as a mother.  

I was so angry when I realized that for all intents and purposes, I'd been had. She considers me a fool, and that's because I let her make a fool of me. So, yes, I'm angry. I'm trying to get past the anger and become detached. I think that would be the best I could hope for.

You put that so eloquently and I thank you.  It is exactly what I was trying to say!  You especially made clear the feelings of "I'd been had".  That really hurts.  

 

When I feel anger, and especially when I try to tell others about my anger, I feel like I'm becoming just like her. Except smaller and made out of cheap fabric. Not a nice feeling.

Just from talking to you in this short time, I can tell you:  Singer - listen loud and clear - you are not made out of cheap fabric.  You are made of 100% hand made Thai silk - the finest silk in the world.  (it must be true - it was on the yahoo search ......  ha ha   ).  

**Michelle**

[Michelle]

Dawning...

Heh..last night I was chatting with my cousin and heard her opinion that my aunt is frustrated with my frustration among other things.  Sheesh, I can't just be frustrated without someone getting offended.  

 

Doesn't that just make you feel nuts when things like that happen?  I hate that.  I hate it when people try to take your "true" feelings away - especially when you have been open enough to share them.  I'm happy you haven't let this hold you down!

I haven't detached from my own anger - and pain.  And I don't have a good plan on how to detach from them.

Please share if you ever find one - I would love to know about it!  

Talk here...Angry is a normal feeling.  It is the expression that counts.

 

I thought that was great advice for all of us.  It is hard to finally come to terms that it is ok to be angry when for 30 or however many years it was NOT ok.  I also thought someone had a great idea (can't remember who right now) about writing a letter to our N person and posting it here just to get it off our chest.  I'm sure we would get a lot of great advice and response too.


Michelle

[Portia]

Hiya Michelle, I saw your volcano comparison above and wanted to say, yes, let that angry lava pour! And yes again, you can be open here (who am I to say that? ), it's liberating to let go, I promise. I'm encouraging you, if you need permission (oh boy, there's one of my old issues) to go ahead and write that Letter to your N. Hey I look foward to it! P

[Dawning]

I feel the need to clarify what I mean about detaching from/letting go of my anger.  I mean the anger that is held in my memories, some of them going back to the age of 3.  Expressing them as memories and not what is happening in the here and now.  Giving them a catharsis.

[Michelle]

Thanks for the reply Portia.  

Yes, you have tuned in to one of my MAJOR problems.....letting the angry lava pour.  I am on the road to "allowing" (yes, your right again - I have permission issues too) myself to feel all that anger.  When I finally do write the letter, i will definitely post it here.  

Up till now, I have found much comfort in just being encouraging to other people going through the same situation.  I guess that is the first step for me in a weird kind of way.  Kinda getting my bearings and getting comfortable before I open up and let everyone see all the yuck inside me.  

Thanks again, I always get alot from your posts.  I admire how you can "let it all hang out" so to speak and hope to slowly get there myself.

Michelle

[Michelle]

OK Portia...now you've got me thinking.  So the volcano thing....I am kind of so numb to all of this....how do I let it erupt?  And writing the letter?  I mean what do I write about?  Particular troubling incidents or my hate for her or ...what?  It feels so warm and cozy in my safe cocoon here.  I know I need to pierce the volcano to get it going but quite honestly that's pretty damn scary stuff.

michelle

[Screaner]

I hereby propose that we inaugurate an Anti-Mothers' Day -- the purpose of it being to celebrate freedom from awful childhoods -- there could be an Anti-Fathers' Day too.

I'm going off to compose some tasteful greeting cards for the occasion.

Morgan, this is the most wonderful idea!  

I have been in such a deep depression ever since mother's day.  I can't shake it.  I can't  get out from under it.  Anything that can be done to take the focus off this holiday that celebrates parents no matter how horrible they are is a good idea!

[Singer]

I wouldn't talk to others generally about your anger (frustration, etc.)  Talk here.  I recently had to draw back from a close friend who thought I was nutso when I brought up my feelings about my mother's rage.

I have found out that it’s best not to try to explain the anger and frustration over an N, even to those who are also dealing with the N. There I was all excited about discovering the explanation for so much formerly unexplainable behavior, and no one wanted to share in the joy of my discovery.

Actually I think my joy was over the realization that maybe I wasn’t really nuts. Oh well, it was exciting to me, at least.

I'm trying to find expressions for my anger these days that don't involve cigarettes and beer mainly in artistic pursuits and intellectual challenges.

Good idea, although I wouldn't mind a beer now and then. Got hopes of being able to reclaim some lost aspects of life too. My mother has been angry with me at various levels of intensity ever since I went away to college many, (many!) years ago. It was like I had been tainted by exposure to the outside world, and then I made it worse by (horrors!) making friends. She much preferred the shy, introverted bookworm who never got into trouble. Very low maintenance and living proof of her skills as a mother.

Once at a retirement dinner for one of my uncles, the host got up and jokingly made a request that my mother please not make mention of any of her children because they were all aware that HER children were far superior to any of THEIR children, and they didn’t need to be reminded. Some joke.  

Singer