I'm all for getting past and beyond..... I don't want to spend any more time feeling sad or sinking into hopelessness either.
Don't want to. ::shrug::
I may have to.... and that's just the way it is.
I much prefer the Zen approach..... acceptance of the bad, for there would be no good things without it.
I'm sometimes amazed at bad things in my life.... wow..... this is my path, who would have seen that coming?
I wonder what will come next.
I don't dread.
I try to invite better things and get on better paths.
But...... there's still that tap tap tapping on my shoulder at times.
No denying it.... it's there, though it comes and it goes.
I'm keenly aware of the decisions I make at those times..... not blathering into the phone to anyone who'll answer just to feel better in the moment.... but calmly considering uplifting options I could instead choose to persue then persuing one.
That's the goal anyway, lol.
Whether it's cleaning out a drawer, getting bills paid or researching something I have to figure out..... it's better than letting the ghosts drive me into familiar self defeating patterns that do me no good.
Then there's the regret, shame and recovering from that too. I need that like a hole in the head so.... mindful mindful mindful.... keeping goals in mind. Starting the day out with a review of my goals. Focus. Nurture. Stop to smell the posies...... be mindful and present when I can.
I guess we begin to recognize when we feel off or alone or victimized and turn our energy toward something else by sheer force of will, when it comes right down to it?
Maybe that starts to become habit after a while.... recognizing the feelings and choosing to go against the familiar patterns and urges that used to drive us..... and building something better in spite of it?
Maybe that's all we hope for?
Maybe we have to teach someone else the lessons, before we actuallly get it?
Maybe I'll keep evolving but..... I'm so tired of growing.... so tired too.
Poppy.... do you ever have wonderful days when you're so happy to be alive you can't beleive you'll ever feel bad again?
I do. I can usually trace them directly to healthy patterns and behaviors I take the time to gift to myself.
Diligence pays off big in this area, for me.
So that's what I strive for..... and any negative self defeating critical thoughts towards myself don't ever help.
I make every effort to speak to myself gently.... the way I strive to speak to my children.
I ask myself questions and wait patiently for the answers....... ::sigh:: not so much time to do that anymore with children and maybe when yours and mine are grown we'll get better at it?
We have a lot going on around us.
Our children, in laws, husbands and the damage attached to them and the damage attached to our pasts and what we've worked through vs what we've avoided or missed.
SO many moving parts.... so hard to focus on them much less figure everything out and children keep changing and new challenges come up while we're still dealing with the old: /
Maybe faking feeling worthy (and being kind to ourselves) is all there is....after we give up hope and finish mourning?
There's 4 moving parts, IMO.
Then adcd other people's expectations of us and fair and unfair demands....
the responsibility of children.....
lets face it....
if we didn't have some catalyst and crisis in our lives, we wouldn't be examining any of these things, would we?
I don't think anyone is spared crisis, btw.
I don't think anyone escapes doubt and pain and growth.
I do think some of us are raised with better habits and those that aren't have to work harder to aquire them.
I can't tell you you'll ever feel truly whole and at peace but.....
I can tell you that I feel so much better than I used to.
I've learned something from every awful thing I've gone through and come out stronger, darnit.
I apply that to you and everyone here because it's all I know.
It's my experience and I put it out there in order to hear feedback and better understand it myself.
Maybe I change some of what I believe, as I go?
Maybe I change a lot?
Maybe I see that I change the way I look at it and it starts falling into place more quickly?
I want to think about this for a minute, Poppy.....
What would your life look like if you cared for yourself with the same diligence and presense of mind that you care for your H and children?
This is a great thread... thanks for starting it: )
