This second principle is life transforming .. It is that I need to trust myself first and above all others.
I was talking to my Aunt today.I was 'picking her brain. How many opportunities do I have to ask a "functional" person just how they handle life or their own emotions.?
I could feel the 'peacefulness" of normality falling over me as she talked.
I told her how hard it was for me to trust myself if I percived a "bad" feeling about someone. Today,I could percieve Maria resenting me b/c I do not have the financial issues she does. It is so hard for me to trust myself when "bad" perceptions about other people hit me. I feel as if I am "bad' for feeling it. This has to be from my interaction with my M where I had to "own" all(I mean ALL) her garbage and it was HORRIBLE.
I told my Aunt about this and she just said,"People are like that, Ami.It is not a big deal."
Then I said that it was hard for me when I was jealous of someone. She simply told me that she was jealous when other people were getting pregnant and she could not( after her first child). I said,"Didn't you feel badly about yourself?". She said,"No,it is just human."
It was so "normal" and at the same time, she seemed like such an oracle.
Then the big one came when she told me that she tried to be good to herself like do things that make her feel peaceful and happy.I spared her the details of how I always feel like I have to punish myself.
When I told her how my M is so mean to me,she was so surprised that a M would not want to "build up" a child.(She,obviously does not know about N's----HUH?)
Anyway, she told me that I had so much value no matter what my M said. She said that I should know my OWN value.
It was so "normal" and so "right" .Talking with an N is like going on a rollercoaster. You are sick and dizzy when you get off.
You have gone up and down so much that you don't know WHICH way is up.
I asked her if she was "hard 'on herself. She said,"No, I try to be good to people,but not everyone will like me. I know that I can't be perfect and I don't try.( What a revelation is that)
The last thing she told me was she loved me and I could call her anytime.
What would it be like to have a M like that?
I started thinking about how it would "feel" to love myself and accept myself like she did to herself.I thought that I could act ''as if" and see what happened.
I realized that I need to trust my gut and what it tells me like my Aunt does with her gut.
What would it be like to love and accept ourselves----what a thought. It would be like the most wonderful "vacation" in the most exotic place in the world. Ami
