Great thread to read ``My mom is a Narcissist''

[Bella_French]

If anyone is interested, I came across a great thread from a support group about caring for elderly parents, called `My Mom is a narcissist''. Its 80 pages long, and I have not read all of it yet, but what I've read so far is incredible.

http://www.websitetoolbox.com/tool/post/mikegamble/vpost?id=598188&trail=135


X Bella

[Ami]

Bella,
   That is awesome --especially about the MIL and the stairs. What do they say about humor.? It has to have truth in it or it is not funny---bleh                                  Love Ami

[Leah]

Bella,

Remarkable find - remarkable content!

Leah

[Bella_French]

Thanks Ami and LeahsRainbow; I'm glad you find it an interesting read too. Who would have thought such a thread could exisit? 80 pages is awesome.

I went digging around for it after N-mother called yesterday. Lol, its so funny: she has worked out that the guilt tripping isn't working on me at all, so she's decided that the problem is that I have a mental illness, demonstrated clearly by my lack of response to guilt tripping, lol. She even recommended a book, lol.

I actually feel quite cheered by this development. I might be able to to reduce contact down to a trickle, avoid conflict and drama about it, and she'll just put it down to my mental illness!!! This is total bargain, lol

X Bella

[Leah]

Bella,

It never ceases to amaze me how they (N's) immediately label us as having a 'mental illness' when the  of truth regarding them switches on for us.

Oh, the amazing wonders of Projection!! 

Love & Hugs,

Leah

[Bella_French]

Lol, The N's ability to project amazes me too, LeahsRainbow. I don't mind in this case, so long as it gets her out of my hair, lol.

love and hugs to you!

[Certain Hope]

W :oW, Bella!  That thread is a treasure trove and I've only just skimmed the surface. Amazing to me how many of these folks write of being cold-shouldered and ignored by N's who refuse to make first contact with them after they've stopped playing the old games.
If it's not on N's terms, it's not gonna happen... which is really great news for those of us who only want to be free of it!
Great resource... thanks so much!

With love,
Carolyn

[sunblue]

Wow...started reading some of the posts from that link Bella posted.....Soooooo painful to read.....Sooo true what they wrote.  I suppose on some level it is good to know there is actuall a name for it---NPD.  But it's such a hopeless disorder!  I was also reading how the N mother assigns roles to her children--the chosen one, the ignored one..etc.  Just soooo unfair.  The chosen one, who is typically also N, does all the damage and gets all the attention on top of it.

Anger, hurt, sadness, depression.  I felt it all when I read it.  It is my story too.  So painful to know your own and only mother will never love and respect you.  What really hit me was the person that said usually the sensitive or ignored child of an N mother repeatedly tries to go back and recreate the childhood they never had.  I can so identify.  Hard to accept that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you will never get it.  You will never be cared about.

Thanks for the link Bella.  Really on target information contained there.

[Bella_French]

Dear Carolyn and Sunblue,

Thankyou both for writing; I'm so happy you found some value in the thread too!. Some of the stories are so incredibly sad. My mother is still quite young, and it is so helpful knowing what kind of hell to prepare for emotionally in the future. I cannot think of a more torturous outcome for any child of an N, being raised without love, battling to gain some self esteem as an adult,  and then being expected to go through the abuse all over again later on,  to care for an elderly N parent.

Al of it resonated with me, but it pains me thinking of so many people going through it.

X bella

[Hopalong]

Wow.

Just, wow.
Thank you, Bella...

love
Hops

[Leah]

Wow...started reading some of the posts from that link Bella posted.....Soooooo painful to read.....Sooo true what they wrote.  I suppose on some level it is good to know there is actuall a name for it---NPD.  But it's such a hopeless disorder!  I was also reading how the N mother assigns roles to her children--the chosen one, the ignored one..etc.  Just soooo unfair.  The chosen one, who is typically also N, does all the damage and gets all the attention on top of it.

Anger, hurt, sadness, depression.  I felt it all when I read it.  It is my story too.  So painful to know your own and only mother will never love and respect you.  What really hit me was the person that said usually the sensitive or ignored child of an N mother repeatedly tries to go back and recreate the childhood they never had.  I can so identify.  Hard to accept that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you will never get it.  You will never be cared about.

Thanks for the link Bella.  Really on target information contained there.

Again, Thank You ((( Bella )))


....the sensitive child of an N mother repeatedly going back to the table hoping for a few crumbs of acceptance, kindness and love .... hoping to be cared about and thought of.

That part of me has died, thankfully, peace is mine.


Love & Hugs

Leah

[lighter]

Lol, its so funny: she has worked out that the guilt tripping isn't working on me at all, so she's decided that the problem is that I have a mental illness, demonstrated clearly by my lack of response to guilt tripping, lol. She even recommended a book, lol.

X Bella

I can't imagine getting strong enough to just let that roll off my back, but I know it can be done.

I've heard a story about a young woman, in California, who treats her probably N father like a slow child, she agrees with everything he says, even filling in some of the blanks for him, so familiar is she with his schtick.

"Yes, father...... you're the best and everyone knows it...... you definately have more toys and money than anyone else, yes, yes, yes."  Then she rolls her eyes at anyone near..... and they continue on their way.

I guess it's tayloring your schtick to someone else's mental illness?

God bless you, bella  ::shaking head::

What book did she suggest you read?

[Leah]

W :oW, Bella!  That thread is a treasure trove and I've only just skimmed the surface. Amazing to me how many of these folks write of being cold-shouldered and ignored by N's who refuse to make first contact with them after they've stopped playing the old games.If it's not on N's terms, it's not gonna happen... which is really great news for those of us who only want to be free of it!
Great resource... thanks so much!

With love,
Carolyn

Hi (((( Carolyn ))))

Thinking of you today - hope you are able to put your feet up and enjoy resting some.   

Oh yes, indeed a most timely treasure trove, and I too have only touched on relatively few pages (wow there are 80 pages!!)

and in particular,  what you have highlighted in your post ....

..... being cold-shouldered and ignored by N's who refuse to make first contact with them after they've stopped playing the old games. If it's not on N's terms, it's not gonna happen...


is all too personally affirming and validating.

The truth is so freeing to know - that it happens universally!


Love & Hugs

Leah

[Certain Hope]

Dear Bella,

My grandmother (mother's mother) and aunt (mother's sister) lived together all of their lives... horns locked in a codependent embrace with no perceivable emotional interaction. I saw the age-old battles for control reenacted time and again, much of the warfare taking place in passive agressive form... sad indeed.
It's so strange...sometimes there really seems to be no discernable victim... only a pair of co-conspirators, both more invested in temporal satisfaction - in playing the game... and to me that's a picture of existence vs. genuine life.
The other night I dreamt of my grandma. She had died, and her body was in my home, sitting upright in a chair... as though that's where her corpse would remain forever. That thought was horrifying! Suddenly she opened her eyes and closed her hand around my wrist and spoke words she never uttered in life... "I love you, Carolyn." That's an unspoken phrase in my entire very practically-minded, appearances-oriented family... and all I could think was - why now? - and that was the end.
As sad as people can be in their treatment of each other, and as neglectful as we can all be in sharing our true feelings with those we love, I think the saddest thing of all is to demand from others what we are not willing to give ourselves...
the truth. It pains me, too... but I know that the pain ends when "I love you" no longer means: "and so I will play your games with you."

With love,
Carolyn

Dear Leah,

Your peace is palpable. Thank you, Sister, for allowing me to share in such a gift!
No more crumbs for us, right? Hey, we have a banquet spread out before us in the presence of our... well, you know.  : )

I just want you to know that your loving thoughts cross all the barriers into my shaky little heart and bolster me up! Thank you so much for thinking of me... and please know that I am matching those thoughts in my own prayers as I rejoice in this fine day! Tomorrow it's off to work I go, with high hopes and so thankful to be able to make a few dollars to cover all these extra expenses I'm incurring. God is so very good! This morning I'm putting on my full armor and my new Dr. Scholl's, so happy legs and feet are ready to dance all over any slippery serpents who try to trip me up. 
Much love and hugs to you,

Carolyn

[tayana]

What a great thread to read . . .

I started reading from the first page, and I was struck by the following quote from one of the posters:

My mom has the "hypochondriac" angle.  And I was always her parent and protector growing up.  I learned at a young age to ignore a lot of it, just to be able to deal with her.  But as I'm growing older, I find myself not able to ignore a lot of it anymore, and I'm angry.  I feel horrible saying this, but I don't even want to be around her anymore.  And luckily lately we had a bad argument and she hasn't returned any of my phone calls, to my deep hidden relief.  I'm finally admitting, even though she is my mother, I am much happier without her in my life.  She sucks the life out of me.  She is vidictive, and controling, everything revolves around her and how she feels, and I'm just fed up with it.

I know this feling exactly.  I feel so much better with no contact and not having to deal with her.  I am very relieved, and I feel a little guilty about it.  However, the depression and anxiety I normally feel hasn't been as bad as what I normally feel.

It amazes me how many people have parents like this.  I read a statistic that said that something like 95% of families are dysfunctional to some degree.  That's sad.