Why do I always feel 'other'?

[Ami]

Dear Janet,
  I was thinking about the feeling of "not belonging". I don't think that "any" type of actual belonging in real life will 'take it away".
  I think that it is an "inside " job,as they say.
  I think about so many 'rites of passage" that I thought would make me  feel like I belonged .They all failed me.
  I "threw myself " away at 14. My next 'goal' to "find myself( feel like I belonged) was to go to a good college and have a "new life".I was lost to myself and numb so whatever I did in college did not feel "real". i did not feel like it was "me" doing it.I never felt like I belonged b/c I did not belong to myself.
  Then,I thought if I went to graduate school,I would be special and feel like I was "something". That did not work.
  Surely marriage would give me a sense of self ( and belonging). This appeared to do this,but it was an illusion. Down deep,I hurt just as much.Every other big life event(having kids, houses, etc etc)had the same disappointment with it.
  I only belonged when I belonged to myself a long,long time ago. Belonging on the outside is really belonging on the inside(IMO)         Love  Ami

[JanetLG]

Ami,

You've just made me remember a book I used to have when I was small - a lovely picture book that an aunt (family friend, not a relative) bought me. It was called 'Crispin Crispian - the Boy Who Looked After Himself'.

I loved that book. It was the story of a boy who lived in the woods with his dog (he was about 6 - the age I was when I got the book). He grew his own vegetables, and made cabbage soup for himself (and his dog, for some reason!). He cleaned his house, took his dog for walks in the lanes around his house, and did all the things that needed to be done for himself and his dog, all on his own, and nobody interfered with the way he was living. It was magical. The pictures were very soft watercolours. The actual book was huge in page size.

I loved that book because the boy knew who he was, and had such confidence in himself. He belonged to himself so much, he was so contented. His parents weren't mentioned at all in the whole book! Can't remember much of the actual 'storyline', just the feeling that I wanted to be like that.


Janet

[Ami]

Dear Janet,
  I think that is how we have to be for ourselves-----now.(A little late in the learning---HUH?)  Love to You  Ami

[JanetLG]

Yeah, but isn't it HARD?!

[tayana]

Janet,

I have always felt like I was an outsider in my family.  We have nothing in common, and the things I was interested in my family never really cared about or else they ridiculed.  My mother's line was always, "You need to stop living in your fantasy world and get your head in the real world where it belongs."  I never understood what that meant.  She uses that line for my son now.

I always felt like everything was a big charade with my family, and when I tried to socialize in groups, I was really scared.  I didn't feel like I fit in.  I was very self-conscious about my clothes, the way I talked, everything.  I thought people were humoring me all the time, and so I didn't feel like I really fit in.  I always had to hold something back.  I have had a few friends that I didn't feel like I had to hold back from, but they were very few.

I have never really been anywhere that I found that "sense of belonging."  I keep hoping for it, but I haven't found it yet.

[Leah]

Ami,

You've just made me remember a book I used to have when I was small - a lovely picture book that an aunt (family friend, not a relative) bought me. It was called 'Crispin Crispian - the Boy Who Looked After Himself'.

I loved that book. It was the story of a boy who lived in the woods with his dog (he was about 6 - the age I was when I got the book). He grew his own vegetables, and made cabbage soup for himself (and his dog, for some reason!). He cleaned his house, took his dog for walks in the lanes around his house, and did all the things that needed to be done for himself and his dog, all on his own, and nobody interfered with the way he was living. It was magical. The pictures were very soft watercolours. The actual book was huge in page size.

I loved that book because the boy knew who he was, and had such confidence in himself. He belonged to himself so much, he was so contented. His parents weren't mentioned at all in the whole book! Can't remember much of the actual 'storyline', just the feeling that I wanted to be like that.


Janet

Janet,

The book you mention teaches that Crispin Crispian belonged to himself.

Resilience and Self Reliance.

Your Aunt may have given you the book for with a purpose --- maybe, just maybe, she discerned the situation you were in.

Love

Leah

[JanetLG]

Tayana,

I know that feeling of being an outsider in your own family. My husband says that the stork must have dropped me out of that 'sling' thing before it got to the right address - because I'm not like the rest of my family, and they'v never understood me (or wanted to try).


Leah,

Yes, I think that aunt of mine realised a lot of what was going on. She wanted a girl, apparently, but had two boys. She always bought me wonderful (appropriate) presents - one Christmas, when I was about nine, and was retreating into myself as much as I could, she gave me a whole HEAP of those 'abridged' classic novels re-written especially for children. I couldn't believe I'd got such a great present ! I hid behind the sofa all day, reading them in the peace and quiet. Soon after that, my NMum argued with her, and I didn't see her again.


Janet

[Leah]

Leah,

Yes, I think that aunt of mine realised a lot of what was going on. She wanted a girl, apparently, but had two boys. She always bought me wonderful (appropriate) presents - one Christmas, when I was about nine, and was retreating into myself as much as I could, she gave me a whole HEAP of those 'abridged' classic novels re-written especially for children. I couldn't believe I'd got such a great present ! I hid behind the sofa all day, reading them in the peace and quiet. Soon after that, my NMum argued with her, and I didn't see her again.


Janet

Janet,

Oh I am sorry that you never saw her again, that must have been hard on you at the time.

My Aunt (Nmother's sister) was very kind to me.  Then one Christmas when she came to the door laden with Christmas gifts for us all,
my Nmother created an unpleasant scene with my Aunt, who was not allowed into the home and turned away. 

Never saw my Aunt again.

Nmothers all behave the same - so it would seem.

Love

Leah

[JanetLG]

Oh Leah, that's horrible, too.

It seems NMothers particularly can't stand seeing someone else being loving and giving to 'their' children - it just shows them up too much.


Janet

[Leah]

Yes, you're absolutely right.

Was just thinking about you receiving and enjoying the HEAP of 'classic' books .... must have been bliss!   

Leah x

[cats paw]

Janet and Leah,

  I can't imagine it if I wouldn't have been able to see my grandmother when I was growing up. Your aunts' love must have been very special for you to carry the memory of the sweetness within you.  Did either of you understand at the time, why you never got to see your aunts again, or did you only understand it later?

  My H used to say that a buzzard s... me on a rock and the sun hatched me, because there was no way I could belong to my parents.  What Janet's H said reminded me of it.

cats paw   

[JanetLG]

Leah,

Yes, it was bliss.

When I left school, I worked in a library for 17 years before I started my business. I loved the books (but not always the staff!!).

Our house has wall to wall books - I just can't resist buying them!

On my birthday a couple of years ago, my husband took me out to a bookshop for the day (what a lovely guy he is!), which also had a vegetarian cafe on the top floor. Heaven! We were there all day long. When we went to pay for what we'd chosen, we had 23 books between us. The man behind me in the queue had one. I said to him 'How can you buy just ONE?'. He said ' I only wanted one!' rather weakly.

Strange person  


When we got home, we spent the next two weeks reading what we'd bought. It was lovely.



Cats Paw,

It's such a strong feeling of 'not belonging', isn't it?
I didn't understand at all for years why my favourite aunt wasn't around any more. My NMum always used to explain it as if the aunt had argued with HER, rather than the other way round, but knowing my NMum, that's rubbish.

Janet

[Leah]

Janet and Leah,

  I can't imagine it if I wouldn't have been able to see my grandmother when I was growing up. Your aunts' love must have been very special for you to carry the memory of the sweetness within you.  Did either of you understand at the time, why you never got to see your aunts again, or did you only understand it later?

  My H used to say that a buzzard s... me on a rock and the sun hatched me, because there was no way I could belong to my parents.  What Janet's H said reminded me of it.

cats paw   

My memories of my aunt are precious to me.

Remember staying overnight one time, had such a lovely weekend.  Her husband, my uncle was lovely gentle man.  As i lay in bed that night, after my Aunt had kissed me goodnight and tucked me in, I dreamt that they would want to adopt me.

As for that day when my Nmother turned my Aunt away, at the time, as a young girl, it baffled me as to why.  But I would never dare ask why.

Years later, as a young woman, I sought my aunt and found her, and made contact.  My aunt disclosed some matters regarding my Nmother and her behaviour.  My aunt and I kept in contact by telephone and correspondence --- but, I did not tell my Nmother.  My aunt feared repercussions.

Love

Leah

[Bella_French]

Dear Janet,

Hugs to you; I'm sorry you had a rough 2 days, and that the priest didn't really hear you or acknowledge your feelings of alienation. I can defiantely understand:)

From reading through this thread, I think perhaps the idea of `belonging within a community' is what you're missing right now, and it really does make a lot of sense that you would want that. I think everyone does, except many people fulfill that need through parenthood, work,  and their families of origins.  Perhaps feeling down could be seen as a sign of how big this need is becoming for you now, and therefore its something worth really addressing? 

My only advice regarding community-building is that it can really help to think out not just the type of people you want be around, but maybe also the role you want within the group. When i think back to the times when I've felt a strong sense of belonging, it was usually because I'd found myself in a position where what I offered to others within the group was valuable to them, such as a particular service or role. And it was something I felt comfortable giving, of course. For example, some people are entertainers, some are leaders, some are teachers, some are cake-bakers or motherly types. I think there is a place for everyone; its just a matter of finding where you fit, I guess.

The other thing ( that's been harder to learn, and related to shame for me,)  is realizing that being a part of a community really does take some time and being prepared to work through emotions and problems. In the workplace, for example, you're kind of forced to do that. But when you're more independent, its a bit easier to just walk away from any situation that feels a bit uncomfortable....which could be any time we feel slightly rejected or butt heads with someone. Shame can be the thing that makes us give up, instead of trying again.

Anyway, I hope some of this will be of help to you.


X Bella

[Leah]

Good day to you ((( Janet )))

Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you.

Love & Hugs,

Leah