Prayers please - my Dad is in hospital

[Leah]

As to funerals, I agree with you - funerals are for the living, and I think I'd prefer to have my own 'ceremony' of some kind, on my own, to honour his life, rather than go and be with the N's, get really stressed, and probably have a screaming match.

Janet

Dear Janet,

That is a wonderful idea.

Creating your own very personal 'ceremony' to honour his life --- affording him dignity.

Really appreciate your inspiration.

Love, Leah

[JanetLG]

Leah,

I 'know' inside that it would be a good thing to do, but tradition and the 'Wrath of the N Family' (that makes it sound like some kind of 'B' movie!) makes me feel guilty.

Ami,

When my grandad died about 20 years ago, I remember one of my cousins looking around at the huge gathering that we had for him (he was a lovely man, really popular), and she said 'wouldn't Grandad have loved this? All these people! He always loved a party.'

And yet, when he was alive (but getting older), no-one thought to organise one so that he could be part of it.

The other thing I think is strange (but typically N) is that my NMum is not religious at all, but she thinks it is 'sinful' to not go to a funeral. And yet I am religious, and I don't think that. With her, I think she would feel that a funeral is a place where you HAVE TO BE SEEN. Because it all comes down to appearances, with her.

Janet

[Leah]

Leah,

I 'know' inside that it would be a good thing to do, but tradition and the 'Wrath of the N Family' (that makes it sound like some kind of 'B' movie!) makes me feel guilty.

Ami,

When my grandad died about 20 years ago, I remember one of my cousins looking around at the huge gathering that we had for him (he was a lovely man, really popular), and she said 'wouldn't Grandad have loved this? All these people! He always loved a party.'

And yet, when he was alive (but getting older), no-one thought to organise one so that he could be part of it.

The other thing I think is strange (but typically N) is that my NMum is not religious at all, but she thinks it is 'sinful' to not go to a funeral. And yet I am religious, and I don't think that. With her, I think she would feel that a funeral is a place where you HAVE TO BE SEEN. Because it all comes down to appearances, with her.

Janet

Dear Janet,

Hear what you say and understand how one would feel, as I would too.

But we could in addition have our own personal 'celebration' of life in honour - the difference would be dignity and sincerity.

Your NMother and my NMother would seem to fall under the category of "Saintly Narcissist" 


And why ever can't people tell someone how much they think of the person ..... whilst they are alive to hear it ??? 

Too late when they are gone.

Truly, that has very much been my own heartfelt sentiment for a long time now.


Love, Leah

[Hopalong]

Janet, I'm so glad he had a clear scan.

Your story reminds me I saw a documentary on a trend called "living funerals". It won't work with an Nfamily, but for anyone who can...was it Art Buchwald?

Anyway, it's a happy gathering WITH the soon-to-be-deceased, when all the memorials, affectionate stories, tributes and love are all presented in their honor with them there.

I would love that, were I fortunate enough to have advance notice of my death.

Meanwhile, I am so glad this brief brush with his death has given you a chance to reclaim the love and dignity and affection that YOU choose to honor him with...at your time, and in your way. I support you so much in that.

love,
Hops

[Iphi]

Janet - so glad your dad is on the mend and you've found so much comfort and support here. 

[JanetLG]

Hops,

That's a really nice idea, isn't it? I hadn't heard of 'living funerals' before.

Iphi,

If it wasn't for this forum, I'd still be in a state over all this, I think. There's so much support and common sense here!


Janet

[Ami]

Dear Janet,
 I am so glad that you found comfort in the board.I am so very glad that you can breathe a sigh of relief now.                          Love   Ami

((((((((((((((((((((((Janet))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Iphi]

Janet I know - I wasn't able to read this topic until now (busy weekend!) and was apprehensive before learning it all turned out alright, but so reassuring to read how much wisdom and kindness was shared here and what good ideas about heading off your dreadful Ns.  Also such eye-opening stuff about yr dad most likely leaving $ to the NM (honestly!) and keeping her as next of kin (honestly!) and the poor ladyfriend.  I hope your dad has many more pleasant and largely N-free years ahead as he has certainly paid up front. 

[Bella_French]

Dear Janet,
Thanks so much for the update! Its so good to hear he's ok now and that whatever was wrong is not too serious:) I think you gave your Dad good advice too; he really deserves to know what the doctors think and have them at least talk to him! (how rude of them)

Janet, regarding the possibility of attending your Father's future funeral, I'd suggest doing whatever feels right for you at that time. I would totally support nonattendance and i can totally understand your reasons for considering it. But you might have very strong feelings about attending when the time comes, and if you want to go, then go.

Whatever choice you make, your mother will use the opportunity to hurt you; she'll misconstrue you motives if you don't attend, and she'll possibly cause drama if you do.
In such a case, the abuse is sadly inevitable, whether you're there or not. So if you really want to be there, I'd say just go anyway.

X bella

[Certain Hope]

Oh, this is all sounding so much better....  many thanks for the updates, Janet.

Even when I can't read here daily, prayers are continuing... and now Christine is added to my list, too... and who knows, maybe she'll find her voice through all this, as well!

Carolyn

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((Janet)))))))))))))

Glad to hear all is better - got here late and missed the initial fear. Glad to see the 'story' turned out well.
Love, Beth

[JanetLG]

Thanks you everybody who has bothered to keep reading and posting here - I really appreciate it.

Bella,

I know I might change my nmind when the times comes, but I do think you're right - whatever I choose to do will be 'wrong' as far as my NMum is concerned. I would just hate it if she turned a funeral into a fight.

Perhaps she'll die first? Now, there's a thought   


Hope,

Christine could do with a louder 'voice', I agree, but so could my Dad. It's so strange that although she and my dad have been together for about five years now, the rest of my family leave her out of 'family' stuff (Christmas, etc), and my dad tolerates that. On Christmas day, he goes to my Nmum's - because she tells him to!! So, he doesn't have the nerve to tell her that either Christine should come too, as his current partner, or that he's not going to go. Weird. Too much brain-washing from the past, I think.

On a slightly different note, my NMum said to me once, when I'd just got engaged 'Well, I hope I die before he does [my fiance], because I wouldn't know how to console you' (meaning, 'You cow, you think more of him than you do of me').


Janet

[Hopalong]

OMG, Janet, forgive me for laughing.   
That guote was just such a spectacular example of the true absence of empathy...

It's like Ns are parodies.

It reallly IS an inability to imagine what's going on in another person, much less empathize with it.

They have amazing imaginations about themselves, but it's a one-way kind of thing.

(Oh I am Cleopatra, la la la, oh you there, peel me a grape...)

Hops

[JanetLG]

Hops,

Yes, it's so amazing how they view themselves, isn't it? With that ourburst from her, I did actually laugh in her face and walk away.


Janet

[JanetLG]

Thanks to everyone who has been following this saga...

My Dad just phoned me, and he has been allowed home this afternoon. My brother has taken him home, so he's got someone with him for a while. Although they didn't find out what was wrong, my Dad feels a lot better now (no pain), and just wants to go to sleep in his own bed again!


Janet