The remark about locking into being reincarnated as a tree was delivered in a completely serious tone of voice. In hindsight, I can see that it might have made an amusing joke, if it had been delivered with a little twinkle in the eye, a smile, a wink, some hint that it wasn't another one of his heartfelt yet clueless comments. The delivery is key. His perfectly serious delivery made it seem like an idiotic remark, not a joke.
That's actually part of the weirdness in this. He comes off as the idiot, and I get shoved into the position of being the superior, smug one. "Well, since reincarnation is about the soul, and not the body that one leaves behind, that's not applicable." I often follow with something like, "Is that all you've got?" He seems to want me to tell him he's an idiot, and I do. I tell him that if he believes that, then he's an idiot, and if he doesn't believe it, and says it just to be annoying, then he's still an idiot. He does this sort of thing all the time. Then he gets mad about my thinking that he's an idiot.
I want no part of this. I just want an intelligent response. It's a business concept. We're both MBA's. I come from a family of MBA's, where we kick around ideas, just for the fun of it. I'm just want him to engage and give me his serious response, which he often does. Actually, a little bit of subsequent research revealed that others have already put this concept into play, here in the real world. Good for them. I'm betting that their family members had something intelligent to add.
As I struggle to figure out how to modify my own behavior, in order to get out of this loop, I read your replies with great interest and appreciation. Although part of me would like to believe that maybe the serious delivery was just an accident, a joke delivered poorly, I can't really believe that. No, the prior comments to me about "getting a squawk out of the kids" make me think that he annoys me deliberately as well.
Okay, given that there is good reason to believe that this is deliberate behavior, intended to annoy, I'm back to "WHY?" You mention the N's controlling, testing, subtly checking one's level of compliance, with the thought process being essentially unconscious. This rings true. Sad, but true.
It seems that he is really threatened on a very fundamental level by me, and that translates to anger inside his head. I guess this means that he has chronic anger toward me, which would explain his quick flashpoint. I often hear anger in his voice very shortly after we begin a conversation, especially of we are working together on something. Sorry if this is very obvious about these situations.
I note that many of you agree on the need to avoid these people. I agree with this. His mother advised me to ignore him, as she did his dad. However, I find that I can't stand having to listen to his endless complaints, red herrings (a.k.a. "jokes"), genuine foolishness, etc. If I avoid him, I won't have to listen to it. Plus, I find that once I avoid him for awhile, his behavior becomes much more pleasant.
Frankly, this is pretty strange for me. I have previously determined that H's late first wife used the cold bed routine to manage his behavior. I mentioned H's late wife's use of the cold bed in a phone conversation with my MIL. MIL's blunt reply was startling. She said, "Works for me." You know, now that I think of it, my stepmother used get really cooool when she had any issue with my dad. He says they never argued. But I know she could be very chilly.
Ignoring people, avoiding my own H, and the cold bed routine don't come naturally to me. But recently I find that sometimes I get very tired of dealing with him, and I want nothing to do with him.
I think that I may want to be ready with a diversion when I'm talking with him. That way, if he says something that I want to nip in the bud, I can just switch to another activity. Nothing personal. Maybe I need to go to the restroom, or go check on something, or make a phone call. If I keep other things in mind to jump to when he says things that are foolish, I can avoid the rest of the conversation. Minimize the wasted time and we (or at least I) will be much happier.
Thank you all. Sometimes I feel sort of stunned by all of this.
