Thank you.
My life seems to be slipping by, and I worry that I will get to the end and regret my choices. I was given so much, yet I have never really been happy on an ongoing basis. My N mom taught me nothing about how to deal with difficult people. She and now H shock me, hook me, and I respond. Sometimes I am hurt, as an adult more often an angry b*tch, like her.
Once I got away from my N mom, eventually, I learned that I could serve in the role of The Brain, and that gave me a reason to be. I felt good about myself largely because of my work. I think that my choice to become a realtor failed utterly to take into account my need to work in an office and have positive long-term relationships with coworkers. I work alone now, mainly from home, and given my situation with my Nish H, it's not good for me. When I do go into my office, it's not the same as working within a company. My colleagues are also my competition. There's little teamwork. It's every person for him or her self.
This puts my fragile marriage under even more pressure. I guess that I should cut myself some slack. When I decided to become a realtor, H hadn't been diagnosed yet. The term "narcissistic tendencies" meant nothing to me. In July of 2006, NH decided to stop going to our 2nd counselor. I went to our appointment alone and asked "What IS this? This inability to ever admit a mistake, even when it's obvious?" The counselor laid it on me. "He has narcissistic tendencies." I had to be told what that was all about. The counselor stressed the fact that narcissistic rage was very dangerous. I know that he thought I should leave H. H's anger is only emotionally dangerous now, and less so all the time, as I pull away from the fire emotionally. Observing him when he's angry, I am stunned by his lack of dignity. I feel sorry for him.
Sometimes I think that even though this is hard and sometimes painful, H is exactly the right person for me, because he is forcing me to learn and mature in areas that should have been completed long before now. I have to lead our family, and if I lead in the wrong direction, that's where we go. I said something to H recently about God putting us together for our personal growth. H said, "No. If God had wanted us to be together, He would have given me a remote control for your mouth." I actually felt as if he had stabbed me in the heart. But really they're just words, and borne of the fact that H sees no reason for any personal growth on his part. That's part of the diagnosis. I need to keep my own counsel. It is an unpleasant but real fact that H will never be able to be a true confidant to me. There will always be a barrier between us, and any lapse on my part into thinking that it can be otherwise is just a pipe dream.
H has told me a hundred times not to listen to what he says, and not to be hurt by his statements. I have stopped having any serious arguments with him. I'm not going to argue with somebody who doesn't remember what he has said a large percentage of the time, and recants what he says, with the explanation that he didn't mean it, he was just mad, another large percentage of the time. He is not a serious person when he's agitated, and he gets agitated soooo easily. It's actually pretty funny sometimes, although watching my husband act like a lunatic isn't exactly my most preferred activity. (Bummer...)
Suddenly, I feel so much older. I just hope that I can keep this level of perspective. I am not diversified enough in my personal and work contacts. It's just too much Nish stuff and too little good stuff. I have to get another job. I sent out one resume recently, and 12 hours later I was asked to come in and interview for a very good job. But the location wasn't what I need. Point is, I was in demand. Sometimes I feel reluctant to reach out to the world, and pour myself into a job search. In part, I feel slightly weakened by H's endless criticism. But I also feel that I don't want to get a high paying job because that's what H wants from me. So I would hurt myself to deny him what he demands? This is not good.
Must stay centered, stay focused, be active, not reactive. Must not allow myself to be pulled off-kilter. Must stop this cycle. My life is my own. I want to stay in my own Zen space. I'm a can do person. I can do this.
Thank you all for your help. Be happy. The world can be a crazy place, but we don't have to let the craziness in. We can filter out the bad. The light of God's love shines on us, and we can reflect that light to others. Love and peace to you all.
