results of marriage counseling appt

[reallyME]

Here is what the counselor's impression of my husband was:

he deflects when confronted about a topic, such as illicit molestation in the family...he will say "um yeah I guess it's incest, if that's what your perception is."

The therapist was clear with him that his father molesting his step daughter and daughter was INDEED incest, no matter WHAT the therapist's perception was...that is the proper TERM for that action.  H still said "ok if that's how you see it, yeah"  He could not just say OK IT WAS INCEST.

T said h has no agreeable standards and it makes it hard for him to take a stand of his own on anything.

H allies the children against wife, leaving her to feel like she is standing alone.

H has avoidant eye contact, slouches, fidgets when confronted.

She has told me all along that my h has traits of narcissism and avoidant personality and ocd. 

Today she said, "Laura, consider yourself VALIDATED. I now saw it TOO."

[Hopalong]

Oh boy.
I'll never forget when a T first validated me about my mother.
She and my Dad went once, at my pleading.

When I came for my next appt, the T practically pounced on me:
"You're not crazy at all! Your mother wouldn't let your father get in one word for the entire hour! I was EXHAUSTED!"

So glad you have that validation, RM.
I think these are "fixed" traits though, don't you?

If you can't change him...where does that leave you?
I'm sure you don't enjoy being so irritated and frustrated...
would take a saint not to be.

Hops

[tayana]

It was such a good feeling to have my T validate my feelings about my parents.  When I started talking about my mom, and I told her I was NC and that I felt guilty she said, "Honey, you don't have to talk to her anymore."

IT was the best feeling ever.

I'm glad you found that, RM.

[lighter]

Where does that leave you, ReallME.... if he can't or won't change?

What was the T's take on your situation?

On the children's situation?

[reallyME]

Well,

My husband has been cooperating, going to counseling and treating me nicer.  He is not a full-N to begin with...His biggest traits are AVOIDANT and OCD.  He has a lot of defense mechanisms.

I am a "till death do us part" type of person, however, he was given an ultimatum of January to make some efforts, and he has been doing that.

We have a marriage encounter of 2 hours on the 13th and then we're doing a marriage enrichment, with 14 hours of mentoring by a Christian couple, plus they pay for 4 day hotel stay during it.  That will be Nov 30- Dec 3, and my husband has agreed to take 4 days away from work (HUGE step for an OCD workaholic), in order to put our marriage on PRIORITY STATUS.

Basically, my view is the same as Dr Phil's...I am not leaving until and unless I have EARNED the right to leave, by exhausting every one of my resources and avenues available to us.  We have 3 children together and one child that I had when we married.  There is too much to throw away as long as he is doing his part too.

That's just where things are at right now

As far as what the T said about the children:  "you cannot let the children run your home.  it's your job as the father (to my husband) to see that they respect your wife, their mother!"

It's in God's hands but things look positive in my case.

~Laura

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  Having your "reality" validated is very, very healing.I am very glad that you were able to get this sense of relief and confirmation.                Love  Ami

((((((((((((Laura)))))))))))))))))))))

[Bella_French]

Dear Laura,
 I'm glad that went well for you, hon! And I really admire your attitude about standing by your marriage until every option has been exhausted. I only wish more people were like you; what a great world we would have if there were!.

It sounds like you have some work ahead, but its good news that he's responding by seeing a T, and being nicer to you. I hope that it gets better for you, laura.

X bella








 

[Leah]

Dear Laura,

The relief and support in receiving the validation from the counsellor must feel wonderful.

Truly, I am so very happy for you that your H was and is willing to go along with you to marriage counselling, and with sincerity, will pray that God works a mighty miracle in your marriage.

Sadly, my H would refused to go to marriage counselling.  And he would not consider counselling for himself alone.  If he had then things may well have been different, however, he turned physical against me in the end and so after 29 years of marriage the heartbreaking decision to end the marriage was made despite my hearts desire of keeping my marriage vows as a loyal wife, a good thing, of "till death do us part"  Twice I stopped the divorce proceedings for fear of doing wrong, against God.  Mercifully, God used a pastor and his wife to show me the 3 areas in scripture regarding marriage vows and covenant, that my then H had broken his covenant vows of marriage and that God would not punish me for ending my marriage.  Though I had that knowledge and truth, it still remained a heart wrenching process to end the marriage.  He had no desire to seek counsel and it was not within my power to change his will.

Regarding your H, it certainly is good news that he has responded to seeking counsel and that in itself is most hopeful.  The process may be slow going, but my hope and prayers for you Laura is that your H will 'hear' and 'see' the changes that need to be made, for both of you and for your children.

Much love,

Leah

[Ami]

Dear TT,
 I am so sorry that you 'lost" your long term marriage.There is a passage in the Bible,''If the unbeliever does not "want" to dwell with you,in peace, LET HIM LEAVE(paraphrase).
 God must have known that we would have spouses who would "torment" us. This passage tells me that I should "try" to be a "good wife' in the best way that I can(without sacrificing myself--- which is very hard). However,IF my H wants to leave, I will let him. I am not going to "prevent a crisis " anymore.
  I am not going to 'walk on eggshells" so he does not rage. I did not want to face the truth so I sacrificed myself so my H would not show his "true colors".
  If My H wants to leave,I will be very,very scared,but I will let him leave. I think that you did this TT. It was not your fault. We can't make other people "good". That is one of our problems. We want to make the situation turn out well so  we twist and twist UNTIL  we are "sick"( emotionally and physically)
  WE can't make a spouse treat us right if it is not in their heart.
  I hope that you have peace that it was not your fault,TT.                 Love    Ami

((((((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))

[Overcomer]

Laura:  Validation is wonderful!  I remember the times I went to the T with ex.  He called me on a they things too and that was hard but that was before I had heard the term codependent or dysfunction.  Our marriage ended but it started me on a quest to find out why I was screwed up and it all fell into my N moms lap!  She uses THAT IS YOUR PERCEPTION a lot.  That is her way of denying reality.  You are blessed to have your H try at least.  Keep us posted on your progress!

[reallyME]

i want those of you who divorced to know that the Bible does say what Ami said, about if the person wants to leave, let them leave.  Also, divorce is not something that is unforgiveable.  God is specific about what He allows and doesn't, and I'm considering maybe sharing more on that in another thread.

We were not put on earth to be DOORMATS or TARGETS.  God has so much better for all of us than that!  If the guy/gal is not willing to do their part, after you've done all you can do, if God says to move on, MOVE, without shame, without sorrow, without self-punishment.

Like i said, I'll share more on this in future personal threads.

Blessya'll