Hola Lupita,
I’m going to use the words “rational” and “irrational” in terms of Albert Ellis’s rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT).
The Pastor is a jerk and that is a fact. You do not like the Pastor and that is a fact. It is also a fact that you cannot change the Pastor. It is also a fact that only the Pastor can change himself. You have no control over the Pastor and that is a fact. So, none of these facts are irrational, they are just facts and these facts exist whether or not we like them. The only thing we can do about these facts is accept them. We cannot change these facts even though we wish we could change these facts. We wish that the Pastor was a nice and decent man who treated you kindly, but that is not reality.
So, recognizing a fact is not irrational. The irrational thinking occurs when we react to fact fact in such a way that we hurt ourselves. For example, you are thinking irrationally when you allow yourself to become so upset over the Pastor so that you cannot sleep at night. So, your reaction to the Pastor is irrational.
Think of it this way: When we are confronted with a fact, we always choose (consciously or subconsciously) how we will react to that fact. Lupita, you have chosen your reaction to the Pastor and the reaction you have chosen is to upset yourself and you have chosen to upset yourself so much so that you cannot sleep. The reaction you have chosen is harmful to you because you are loosing sleep over the Pastor.
You could choose a different reaction to the Pastor. For example, you could say to yourself “I do not like the Pastor, but I choose to not upset myself over him. I accept the fact that the Pastor is a jerk. I accept the fact that I do not like the Pastor. I accept the fact that the Pastor doesn’t like me. It’s a shame that I am not friends with the Pastor (and I probably never will be friends with him), but that is reality and I accept realty. So, instead of upsetting myself over the Pastor, I will not think about him, nor will I think about how he dislikes me and I dislike him. Instead, I will focus my thoughts on things that I enjoy and can help me, like dancing, music, looking for a new job, etc.” This would be a rational reaction to the Pastor. If you think this way, you won’t hurt yourself, you won’t loose sleep over the Pastor.
When you see the Pastor at school, you can give him a quick smile, maybe say a quick soft “hello” and then turn your head away from him, don’t look at him and keep walking away from him. Minimize your interaction with him. Since you find him upsetting, limit your contact with him.
You wrote the following:
Why do you think that the pastor is against you?
I think this question is almost irrelevant. The fact is he does not like you for whatever reason he may have. You cannot read the Pastor’s mind, so it’s a waste of time to try to figure this out.
1- he wanted the piano lessons ofr his beloved worship leader. Now it is not about the piano lessons by it self, but because I protested and asked for my piano lessons back, because I love them and because I really need the money. Could not survive with out that supplenet income.
I don’t understand what you’re saying here.
2- When I complained about Dr. U the first thing he asked me was "why dont you leave?"
Don’t dwell on this. What you learned here is that the Pastor is not your friend, so just keep that in mind and watch yourself around him. Don't set yourself up to enable him to cause you to feel hurt. Try to avoid him as much as you can, but don't act hostle to him.
3- He constantly puts me in the spot, gives me unwelcome hugs, in front of public, he wants to make other teachers envious or just notice my presence.
Good point: DO NOT LET THE PASTOR HUG YOU. Do not let him touch you. Do not get physically close enough to him so that he can touch or hug you. These are boundary issues and you must work on establishing both physical and emotional boundaries. If he tries to hug you, step back and let him know that you do not want to be hugged. If necessary, say to him “please do not touch/hug me”, but do not say it in a nasty way. Just say it in a clam, assertive voice.
4- He put me in the spot calling Mr. V in front of all the church to stand with me when I became member of the church. He wanted to make sure that everybody notice that Mr. V had helped me.
This is in the past, so let it go. Just keep in mind that he may want to hurt you, so try to avoid him.
5- Teachers give me dirty looks, ugly looks, they would not do that unless they know they are backed up. They must have been told that I am disposable.
If other people give you dirty looks, you can’t do anything about it. I think the only thing you can do is do not look at the faces of the people who you know give you dirty looks OR do not choose to react to these dirty looks so that you feel extremely upset. You know this is a toxic environment and you know that you will find a job in another school next year. So, there’s no point in upsetting yourself because these jerks give you dirty looks. They are idiots. If you can find it in your heart, feel pity for them because they act like little children, not adults. They are pathetic. They have a problem, not you.
6- Many people treat me in a hostile way. They know their obligation is to make me feel uncomfortable so I leave on my own.
See my answer above. But, I disagree that it is their “obligation”. Rather, it is their choice. They have CHOSEN to be hostle to you. That is their choice.
7- Pastor cannot fire me on his own. Powerful people of the church (school board) have to aprove.
8- Pastor is damaging me little by little and braking my spirit through the secretaries and his pall teachers. Not all the teachers, only his palls. A few.
Regarding #8, this is where your thinking is irrational. The Pastor can only damage you and break your spirit if you allow him to do so. Remember, I wrote about you choosing how you want to react to the Pastor. So, you have chosen a reaction in which you are allowing him to damage you and break your spirit. You have chosen to give the Pastor the power to damage you and break your spirit. This is the choice you have made. You can change this choice right now and decide right now that the Pastor has NO POWER to damage you and break your spirit. The choice is up to you.
My own dispute my own refutation:
I am still there. They have not fired me. (They cant) They are just making me suffer.
No, you are making yourself suffer. To think that other people make us suffer is irrational. You have chosen to react to the entire situation by making yourself suffer. That is your choice. You could make other choices, like ignoring them or finding a different job, which you will do.
It is vacation now. One week brake ofr thanks giving. When they come back (pastor is on a trip) they will be rested and I will hide around so they cannot see me and they cannot make me feel bad.
This is irrational thinking. No, they do not make you feel bad. You make yourself feel bad. You have chosen to react to them by making yourself feel bad.
They only hurt me if I look at them in the eyes.
This is also irrational thinking. You have chosen to allow them to hurt you very badly. I'm not saying don't feel hurt, but I am saying don't let them make you feel so hurt that you allow them to destroy you. It's a subtle difference. So, do not look in their eyes. Look at the ceiling, look at the floor, look in the distance. Or, look them in the eyes, but choose to react to them by not feeling so hurt. But, do not act hostile towards them. Just be non-chalant.
So I can avoid them. I am not afriad to be isolated because I have been isolated my entire life.
It's a good idea to avoid people who you find upsetting. Bring a book to lunch and read so that you don’t have to talk to anyone, but don’t be hostile. If anyone makes a comment, just say you really want to read your book because it is so interesting.
Hope this helped. The important idea is that you choose how you want to react to people. I'm not saying that you should ignore your feelings. No, you should allow yourself to feel your feelings, but do not allow your feelings to OVERWHELM you so that you feel damaged, broken or destoyed.
Con mucho amor.
