As I was reading a magazine that I get from The Dystonia Research Foundation, my mind went back to my suffering friend, and I realized that, though there was also Borderline tendencies involved, seeing this person suffer, was what helped me be there for her.
God has been showing me a LOT about my views toward people, even people with personality disorders.
First of all, I realize that everyone was once somebody's baby and child. Even disordered adults came into this world as babies. In fact, Narcissism and other personality disorders, exhibit themselves, through childish defense mechanisms that the dysfunctional children never outgrew.
Secondly, those dysfunctional people were in some way victimized, no matter what anyone wants to argue about it. Are they responsible for their actions as adults? YES! I am not negating that fact at all. I am merely saying that I realize now that the victimizers of me were first victims themselves. Either they were abused and traumatized, neglected and made voiceless or glamorized and set on an unfair, impossible pedestal in their young lives. Their defenses were all they knew how to use to cope and to "become."
In the case of a former spiritual leader, she was raised by an absentee parent and an alchoholic one for a while. Later, the parents became ministers and she learned to stifle her needs and feelings in favor of the church people's issues. This person grew to be someone who believed it was her job to order people's lives and to punish them when they didn't follow suit. She put so much pressure on herself to caretake (codependency), that she ruined her own health and probably developed some distorted thinking patterns in the process. That is NO WAY for a child to grow up in a family...having to have all the answers and believing that life would crumble if they didn't. Having to be everyone's conscience and learning to despise people who tried to think on their own without her guidance. She even once told me that the way I could truly have compassion for people, was to see them as the victim! I never realized how much she had been "telling on herself" when that was said to me. She very much felt like a victim, felt misunderstood and couldn't figure out WHY...most people cannot SEE THEMSELVES unless they are videotaped. Even then, some do not want to admit to the fact of what they see, so they put on "airs," use defense mechanisms of denial and projection in order to not have to see how cruel they really are on the outside/inside.
A personal struggle:
For years I threw in my husband's face, that his father was a child molester, molested both of his little girls (husband's sisters) and that he was a despicable human being all the way around, not worthy of any sort of forgiveness. Now, some people teach that, until someone asks to be forgiven, we are not to forgive them. I disagree with this. Forgiveness is not about the other person...it's about ME.
Recently, my husband and I were talking about his dad again. Suddenly I had what I consider to be a REVELATION! For years I had heard about how my h's dad had broken his back when my h was a child. It was shortly after this, that the molesting and abuse went on. Amazingly, as into Psychobabble as I am, I never connected the situations together...BACK BROKE-----SPINAL CORD INJURY-----NEURO ISSUES-----BEHAVIORAL DYSFUNCTION!
I have finally come to a place that I have not only forgiven my father-in-law for what he did to his own family, but I also now forgive my husband for doing what he learned from that man.
Another point I consider now is that his father grew up with NO PARENTS. He was raised as an orphan and he learned to fight his way through life. My h's father didn't even have a fighting CHANCE to be a real decent person, nor did anyone ever come to his side and mentor him. What sort of behaviors does society EXPECT in this type of upbringing?
Consider HITLER'S past. Would we EVER excuse him for what he did? HE** no! There are very few more unspeakable horrors in this life than what that man orchestrated! (other than things in other countries today)...I do not EXCUSE, but I DO UNDERSTAND.
Now that I can understand that there was a REASON for how my father-in-law turned out, I'm able to let it go.
Maybe this might be freeing for someone on this group. If not, throw it out and know that I had the best intents in sharing it.
Blessya'll
~Laura
