My progress report and mommy power

[tayana]

I was going to post this yesterday, but time got away from me.  I wanted to post this because I haven't been on the boards quite as much lately, and quite honestly, I just feel darn good.  I really can't remember the last time I felt this good, in fact.  Here is what I've accomplished/learned in the last week or so.

--  I realized driving into work this morning that for the first time in years, I'm actually looking forward to a holiday.  I'm spending Thanksgiving with my brother.  I've promised pecan pie and homemade bread.  My parents might be there too.  But you know what, the anxiety I've felt in regard to seeing or talking them has started to subside.  I think I could face them and not be drug down by a verbal assault from my mom.  So, if they're there, and my mom makes some snarky comment, I'm just going to say, "You've already made up your mind about what I think and feel, so there's no point in me trying to defend myself.  If you want to communicate with me you need to make an effort too.  You need to stop looking for boogeymen under every bush and let me live my life.  I've been doing pretty well, and I like my new life.  If you don't, then maybe you don't need to be a part of it.

-- M and I rearranged his room so that the center of floor is now open, and there's room for him to play.  Before, there wasn't really enough room for him to play.  We cleaned up his desk and talked about what kinds of things he'd like to put on his walls.  He still doesn't have any pictures, because now he can't decide.  The room looks nice, and he's making an effort to keep it cleaned up.

-- I made soup for the first time yesterday.  It was just a little spicy and filling, although I think I cooked it too long.

-- Against my better judgement, M and I went to movie night at school to see Ratatouille.  I really wasn't looking forward to it, because I knew it was going to be a bad movie and an equally bad viewing experience.  The movie wasn't bad, the ice cream was good, and the viewing experience just as bad as I'd expected.  Where else can you get snacks and a movie for $7 though?

-- I have not felt depressed or anxious for days.  I don't know if it's the medicine, or if it's just an improvement on my situation.  Or a combination.

-- M and I got through a whole weekend with almost no fighting.  Although getting up for school this morning was a challenge.

-- And I got my raise and promotion finally!  And all of the back pay is going to be added to my check in a lump sum.  An unexpected windfall, right when I needed it most.

[Ami]

I am so proud of you Tayana. You are pulling yourself out of a deep hole. Bravo to you. You are so different than when we started on the board,together. Did you ever think that you could feel  this good?                Love   Ami

(((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))

[tayana]

Ami, quite honestly, no, I never thought I could feel this good.  I never even though this was possible, honestly.

[Hopalong]

Tay.

Wow.
Spectacular.

Do you ever go back and read your early posts?
Want to make that grin on your face even wider?

Only thing I'd suggest is to make your response to any mother-blatts even shorter. La, la, la. She'll spoil each dish if she gets a chance so you might as well practice calmly turning your back, leaving the room, calm intact. I think an even stronger response is NO response. Just removing yourself (move the target).

Good for you for losing the fear, I think the Rx was a very good choice.

hugs
Hops

[tayana]

Hops, I have occaisionally read my earlier posts.  I do read my early posts on my blog.  I should do it here too, I suppose.

I don't think they'll be there, and neither does my brother.  They might surprise us though.

I think the medicine was definitely a good choice.  I feel so, so much better.  I can focus on things now.  I actually can do work, at work, and get things accomplished, not just escape into the net or work on a story.  Although I do need to do some writing.

I realized this morning though that I really had no anxiety about the holiday, other than if my pecan pie is going to turn out, since I've never made it before.   

I'm even *gasp* looking forward to Christmas . . . just a little bit.  I'm going to suggest hosting it at our house. 

[lighter]

Hey! 

Tay!

 No puttin chocolate in that Pie, ya here, lol?

Make it straightforward and don't overcook the crust! 

Ahem...... can you tell I reeeeeaaaaaally like Pecan Pie, lol?

I'm happy to read this post......  a little apprehensive too. 

I really don't want you having to spend Thanksgiving listening to your mother's crap or worrying about what she's going to say or do to M. 

If she ignored him I'd find it hard not to come accross furniture and snap that look of satisfaction off her face, KWIM?

Hey..... maybe I'm worrying needlessly for ya..... I certainly hope so.

Isn't it just like them, to not have the common courtesy to tell the host of Thanksgiving Dinner whether they'll show or not?

She certainly keeps you guessing.

::stifling urge to sound negative:::

Ahhh what the hell...... how did it come about that throwing NC out the window seemed like it might not be such a bad idea?  Not that it will be but..... just wondering.

And..... what drug seems to be working so well for you?  I heard good things about one called Focalin... somehting like that. 

((Tay)) Glad to hear such a good report.  You deserved that raise and promotion.... congrats: )

[isittoolate]

Good for you tayana

I am so happy you are feeling better, as in really good.

I agree with Hops about keeping anything you say to N-mother, short and to the point.

Pecan Pie!!! YUMMY!

One Christmas, all the family met at my eldest sister's. I was asked to bring 2 mincemeat pies. Fine! I made them no trouble.................until my N sister remarked that this is one Christmas she wouldn't miss because she wanted to Izzy's pies...........said in such a way as though they would be awful.

You sound so "UP".

LOve
Izzy

[tayana]

Lighter, hey I have a recipe for chocolate pecan pie, but I'm just making a plain one.  I like pecan pie.  I'm hoping my boss okay's the couple of vacation hours I want on Wed., so I have time to do bread and pie.  I think I need to buy flour and yeast too, better put that on my list.  I'm trying to decide if I want to try making the crust, or just use a ready made one . . .

Like I said, I don't know if they're going to be there or not.  I don't really want to give up NC, but I do want to spend the holiday with my brother.  If it gets too bad, well, I can always gather up the kid and the dog (the dog was invited too) and leave.  M is really looking forward to this, so I hope it all goes well.

Zoloft is what is working so well.  It does have some side effects that I don't like too well, like it makes me hyper, but it does wonders for getting things done.  It's been sort of gradual as far as the feeling good and my tolerance of the drug.  This is much better than where I was three weeks ago with it, almost four I guess.  The doctor said it'll reach it's peak in six weeks.

Not only do I get a raise, but I get all of the vacation time I've had to use as sick time back.  And I'm getting back pay.  Can we say I might just treat myself to something, like that Ipod I've been wanting?  I really, really want an Ipod so I can listen to music and focus on boring tech writing at work.

Izzy, I feel very up.  It's really strange because I can't remember the last time I"ve felt so up and dare I say, happy.

[Iphi]

Yay tayana - love to hear how well you are feeling and doing.  How wonderful!

[tayana]

Thanks Iphi and Amber.  It feels good to feel like this.

I'm talking to my T tonight, although I'm not sure what we're going to talk about.

[Leah]

Dear Tayana,

Truly so very very happy for your wonderful progress.

"Congratulations" regarding your promotion, and package.

Love, Leah

[changing]

CONGRATULATIONS TAYANA!!!-

You have done so much, and now comes the harvest! What a blessing- what a true Thanksgiving this year!

Love and Joy,

Changing

[lighter]

Tay:

I can listen to Pandora on the computer while I work.  It's great.... look it up.

I know chocolate pecan pie is good too..... but me thinks a straighforward Pecan Pie at Thanksgiving, lol.

I'm still a tad bit confused about the NC and holidays with your brother.  I guess you'll have to work things out but.... I'm used to having at least 3 Christmases a year bc of divorced parents.  One on Christmas Eve, fancy with china and crystal withmy mother, then Christmas morning and early dinner with In-laws and Christmas day dinner and evening at my father's usually involving a bonfire and turkey frying event.  MMmmmmmMMM Tobasco fried turkey!

There was never any way in the Universe my parents would have shown up to the same Holiday gathering, just to make our lives easier.

 My SIL celebrates 2 weeks early with her family and she likes it that way.

I kinda see you in the same boat now...... it's time for you to get your shift and I'd take the late one if I was you.  Or celebrate on different days.  You get your brother on Christmas Eve, dinner and present opening all done at night when the lights are bright!  Your parents can have them on Christmas morning?  Something like that. 

I used to eat a minimum of 2 Thanksgiving meals, drive 4.5 hours every Thanksgiving between In-laws and my F's house.  Thank goodness my mother never wanted anything to do with Thanksgiving and us.  Bad but I don't think I could handle another meal that day

My point is.... who decided you couldn't celebrate with your brother if you honored  NC with Mum?  It just may not be exactly the same schedule as in the past, ya know?

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))))))
How happy I feel reading your letter!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, you have come farther than I have seen here yet!!!!!It is so nice when someone makes a "breakthrough" and, girl, you made a huge one. This is so wonderful. Whether the medicine is helping (I think it might be - I remember what it was like to finally feel GOOD when mine kicked in) or not, you ARE making it. M will be stronger - and you already are a different person. You broke through the fear!!!!!!!!
Thank you Tay, for making my day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Beth

[tayana]

Hmm, I think I'm getting M's cold . . . ugh.

Lighter, I see what you're saying.  I don't know that my parents are going to be there.  They haven't said one way or the other whether or not they're coming.  It's only a possibility.  I'm going to enjoy my holiday no matter what.  I'm making my pecan pie and some bread and maybe something else.  And I'm going to enjoy the day.  And if they do show up, and my mother tries to start a scene, I'll play cool and collected and I won't let it get to me.

M got a card from her last night.  It made me mad, because she'd written, "We'll always love you.  Remember that."  If she loves M so  much, why doesn't she act like it.  Just because of me?  If that was the case, why couldn't she write him letters or call for him.  Instead, she sends a holiday card, and I get a teary "Oh, that's so sweet!" from M, and I cringed because I was afraid I was going to have to deal with more fallout.  I ranted at my T for almost an hour last night.  I ranted even more because he sort of suggested I shouldn't be mad over a holiday card, that I shouldn't be seeing plots over a card.  But how can I not?  That's what she does.

Beth, I'm so glad I made your day.  I still don't feel anxiety today, although I am tired, and I don't feel very good.  I think I'd like a nap in fact.