The Awkward Pause as a Tool/Lupita

[gratitude28]

Hi All,
I was thinking about how I deal with NM and this is one nice tool... When she lies or says something outrageous or hurtful or is fishing for absolution... I don't respond. I used to rush in with an "It's OK." or "I understand." Now I don't. Her words bounce around and the conversation stops until she can babble out something new. I know this won't make her a nice person or let her really hear what she is saying... but I am not giving away part of myself in the conversation. And if there is a third party, they can definitely hear how inane the words were.

"I'm sorry I am not helping... I just don't know what to do...." Silence....

I would have done the same for you, but...." Silence....

"I really hate (fill in the blank)." Silence....

I am not a partner if I don't react.

Love to you all.
Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
  I think that you are talking about not "abandoning" yourself. I was thinking about this the other night.I remember the moment that I abandoned myself.
  I think that it is the worst betrayal of all. It is horrible that we were driven to this "opposition" of ourselves.
 I think that if we could go back and "claim ourselves", we would be well. The Bible talks about a man who "opposes" himself.It says that he needs another man to help pull him out. I have a book on  the diseases( emotional and physical) that happen as a result of "opposing" ourselves.
  It is really horrible. My goal now is to be "connected' with myself at all levels(even the N level).
 This is the "larger" issue of what you were saying,as I see it.                Love Ami

((((((((((((((((Beth))))))))))))))))

[gratitude28]

Ami,
That is a good point! I will think about that some and see where it affects other parts of my life.
Love, Beth

[changing]

(((((Beth)))))-

You are truly wonderful, and I am glad that you have figured out a strategy to make things happier for yourself, in the face of N abuse! Hope you have a lovely holiday!

Love,

Changing

[Hopalong]

Beth,

That is just BRILLIANT.

The strength in your silences.

I love it.

Thank you,
Hops

[Lupita]

That is a great tool. Just silence, it is very astute. I love it.
Will try to use it.............if I stay alert enough to react to do the silence. Because even to do a silence, if it is an intentional silence, that means work, for those like me who have slept walk through life, doing unconscious things one after another.

But is is definitively a great idea.

[Lupita]

Dear Beth, how can I use the silence if I am paralized? Of course I am working on that, but it is a wonderful idea. Hope I can learn to react on time.

[gratitude28]

Dear Lupita,
I am sorry I took so long to get back to you on your question/comment. I think this is important for you. I think you need to start projecting a stronger attitude to those around you - to establish yourself and your place. Much like the Australian lizard that puffs up when he feels danger, you need to have a protective armor - whether it be true or faked until you feel it!!! To use another image, you need to set your place in the pack - as dogs do.
Practice some situations at home... Your principal says something demeaning... "Lupita, you need to...." It is vital you square yourself and face him in a spot like this (even if you WANT to shrink). Stand tall and proud (as you should be) and look at him. If he has said something completely wrong, repeat his words clearly for him to hear. "So, you are saying...." I would bet he would back off. If not, say, "So, what are you suggesting? What do you mean?"
None of this is easy to do, but YOU MUST break the paralysis. I am not kidding about practicing. Do you have a cat or dog? Try the words out loud with him/her. Try it on a rude salesperson. "Are you having a bad day? You are not being very kind."
It is only through practice that you can gain the assurance you NEED. And I guarantee that those around you will stop treating you like a pinata if they see you won't take the beating.
Do you know what I mean? Does this make sense? You are a smart woman with a good job. You have a nice son. You have traveled around the world. You speak more than one language. You are attractive and accomplished. You must start seeing yourself as such and expect others to respect you for it. If you don't, you won't move out of the standoff where you find yourself.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

That ia great advice ,Beth. It is interesting about dogs. Are we  really the same,in a lot of ways?
I think so. It is very uncomfortable to look at, though. Do you agree?                               Ami

[gratitude28]

Yes, it is uncomfortable to see ourselves as animals... but we are.... It's funny, when I was most confident about myself, people bought into it. Even now they remember the things I said and how sure of myself I was. (Cocky- post-college, N trait days ) Nowadays I find myself having to build up confidence in many areas of my life. I am very certain and sure when it comes to anything dealing with my kids/parenthood. But, lately, I am suffering a lack of confidence about work, my personal future, my goals... So, as soon as I find out if we are staying, I will need to puff up my chest and head out to find a job and pretend I am a top dog, although I have lost a lot of bluster. I know I am smart and would be very valuable, but I also have this small voice that says, what if they find out you are a fraud... what if your boss remembers that one mistake you made the second year you worked there and tells them??? Ugh... to be the foolish 20-year-old again...
Love, Beth

[changing]

Hi Gratitude-

We are creatures (animals) rather than the Creator. That realization can be a major wake-up call !

You are so much more than bluster now- you have fashioned yourself into the genuine article! I pray that all goes smoothly , and I know if there are any snags, you will handle them beautifully.

Love,

Changing

[whymeagain]

THANK YOU so much for this post.
 I have been on the board for a few days now, trying to read what others have shared and written. This is my first post, I couldn't help but post on this one. The whole no response is something that I have been working through. It is so much easier to say, than actually do. For me there has always been this feeling that wells up in me, that says I can't let them take the blame. I can't stand here or sit for that matter and allow them to just take everything upon themselves, even if I felt they were wrong. I guess I have always been the person that gave others the benefit of the doubt. I am realizing, I have spent my life making excuses for others actions!  I couldn't walk away really allowing people to own their own stuff. I could always some how some way, find a reason for what they had done. I am discovering that I have taken on so many others junk and placed it on my back, that it has weighed me down for so long that I am not sure anymore, what is their's and what is really mine. I also find it difficult to excuse my own actions, thoughts or feelings. Isn't that sick? I can always find a loop hole for others, but can't seem to find it for myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess what I really grabbed out of this post was not engaging, not jumping to their defense and clearing the slate for them. It is sometimes, just something they need to own and work through. I am not the crowbar and I don't have to get them out of their own wedge. This is going to be such a long trip to get to that place. I know I want to get there, I just am not going to set out thinking it is going to be an easy lesson to learn. But I guess, until I start working through it, I will never know!

Here is to the long trip!

[Lupita]

Dear Gratitude,
Thank you for yout thoughts. I definitely think is a good idea. Just like a idet. Try do to it is difficult because youa re trapped in a cage where you think you are powerless.
I will start today with my sixth period. All my classes go wonderfully. My isxth period though, is very difficult. They talk. They do not talk loud but they talk in a lower voice, but that means they are not paying attention, probably they do it inpurpose to push my buttons, and I feel all bullied after that class. Not to mention that most of the teachers are very mean.
So, if you have ideas about how to quiet down this students 17-18 yo, I would be very grateful.
I gove them extra points for not talking in class during my teaching time, so, that quieted down seven of them,  I have 15, I talked directly to one of them yesterday and he promised to be quiet today so if that happens, I will have eight. So I would need seven now. Those are difficult kids. The seven kids are class clowns all together in my class like a challenge that od is sending me. So at the end I gave the tokens to the quiet ones. Everybody saw it. Also, tomorrow I will tell them that the ones that are talking will not have questions asked so they will not have the opportunity to have participation.
I cannot write them up since they are eight kids and I do not have much ehlp from the administration. Two of them have been written up several times already and nothing happens. So that does not work.
I have to creat something. Besides three of them are kids that have been expelled from public schools and that is why they are in my class. All in the same class.
Teaches being mean, and a bad sixth period makes me depressed.
I know that I have to think fo the rest of my classes I have seven classes and they are wonderful. Everybody has a bad class during the day. But I still do not want that bad class and want to do something about it. If you can help, thak you.
God bless you.

[lighter]

Are these kids passing, Lupita?

Do they care about their grades at all?

[gratitude28]

Lupita,
It is always easier with the kids if you start the rules from the beginning... but here are some ideas...
Make an announcement, clearly, with full attention at the beginning of the class. Tell the studetns that they are wasting your time and their time by talking when they should be working or listening. Keep it short and to the point. I m not sure what you teach, but this is how I do it usually...
Let's say the subject is Spanish. I start with my lesson - "Open to pg 18." And then I start going over just a little bit. If I see someone not paying attention, I ask them to help continue. If they cannot, I don't punish, I just say, "Pay attention and you can answer next time. Who knows where we are?" I have that person continue. I make sure the students are involved int he lesson. If I have a clown, I will often either stop and just quietly look at the person until he calms down, or ask him if he would like to share with the class. Usually that quiets them. Then I ask if we can continue. If the class remains disruptive, I assign extra work. Class/homework were always the main part of my grades, so they were very important. I also used a reward system. I made "stamps" (use whatever) and passed them out if someone was really paying attention or listening well. I gave out those stamps occasionally (you had to earn them) and they could collect an amount of them (say 5) and use them to change a grade into an A. It only counted for class/homeowrk grades and did not count for work not turned in. I do not allow students to leave the room. If a student is disruptive, tell hi he is awasting your time and can pay back the time by giving you a minute after class. That will keep him running to the next class, and unable to hang out with his friends in the hall. Be sure to explain ONCE and clearly that you WILL be changing your class strategy and that it is so that you and they can maximize your time.
Good luck and let me know if any of this helps.
Love, Beth