Author Topic: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself  (Read 6700 times)

Ami

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #30 on: November 27, 2007, 12:46:04 PM »
Dear Hops,
 I am going to be really honest.I think that I can.I know that you feel this way about me. I don't know "why',totally.I don't think that you do either.(consciously)
 Let me throw out a few thoughts.
 IMO, when s/one takes medicaton, they are 'muting' this very layer that I am talking about.
 Then(IMO), a person feels threatened when they see another person 'having" these
 feelings. Their feeling threatened  can manifest in many ways. They can try to "shame' the person in to "shutting up'. They may simply disagree and offer the person ideas about medication or therapy.
  In any event, when a person has "shut down' this layer in themselves, they are uncomfortable with seeing it's "rear'  ugly head in others.
  That is my opinion of what is going on. I hope that you will not take this as an "insult". There is room enough for many divergent viewpoints. Mine is just one and I could be wrong.
  For me,I feel so much better today. That tells me that I am on the right track(for myself ,only)             Ami
 
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gabben

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #31 on: November 27, 2007, 12:56:57 PM »

  However, when I looked over all the threads, mine do "sick out" as "glaring(lol)
 


Ami,

Here is a perspective -- when I get on line and click on this board, it comes up - I look for "AMI." I would feel so sad if I did not see a post by AMI....it would be like walking into a party and you don't know anyone.

There are others here that I am slowly getting to know and connect with too. In the mean time what brought me into this board and what connected you and I together was your honesty (your voice) in expressing your pain...your voice...even in hurt and pain was what spoke to me here. I was trying to make a connection and your posts were the ones that spoke to me the loudest...WHAT A GREAT VOICE YOU HAVE because it has made a huge difference for me.

Love,
Lise

Ami

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #32 on: November 27, 2007, 12:58:58 PM »
I would like to add that I do not care to get in to a discussion of the pro's and con's of medication,in general. I ,having made a million mistakes  in my own life, have no place '"critiquing" anyone else for anything.
  I simply see a path of healing that seems right to me and try to take it.
  I am not making any judgements  on anyone else's particular path to "wholeness"
  My prayer is,"May We All Get There Together'.                     Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

lighter

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #33 on: November 27, 2007, 02:34:03 PM »
Ami.... how many times can you walk to the edge of the cliff and feel the fear and pain like it's the first time, every time?

Some people are addicted to strong emotions and feelings. 

That's they're comfort level... they get something out of it so they aren't going to give it up. 

That's a choice too and I remember saying this to you many many months ago.

It wouldn't be wrong or bad it would just be a fact, if it was true

I have no idea if it is but.... it does occur to me when I read your posts, at times.

As always, consider what you will and compost the rest.










Ami

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #34 on: November 27, 2007, 02:38:58 PM »
Gotcha
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gabben

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #35 on: November 27, 2007, 03:03:59 PM »
Here is an interesting article I found about healing emotions:


Feelings are the magnetic feminine energy that determine which reality is attracted into physical manifestation. It is normal now that wounded feelings from the past are making themselves felt like earthquakes as the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, brings forth heaven on earth.

Feelings are the water element, and cleanse by flowing, just like water. If wounded negative feelings are denied, blocked, suppressed, medicated, dissociated from, or acted out in a destructive way, they do not heal in a natural way. Denied feelings go into the subconscious and are stored in body tissue as tension. There they continue to magnetically attract physical realities that vibrate to their frequency. When negative feelings are acted out, harm is caused and more negative feelings result.

Therefore, acknowledge negative painful feelings with love and compassion just as you would acknowledge an upset or wounded child. As you acknowledge and accept negative feelings, they will naturally flow. Let them flow in your awareness in a nondestructive way. Feel your pain, your fear, your anger, your hopelessness. It is in feeling them deeply that they change and transform.

Cry in a pillow, or hit a pillow if you feel tears or anger come up. Find a place where you will be undisturbed, that is private. Use eye movement, which is explained below.

The two most important things to know about painful emotions is that the most powerful feelings are linked to the past, and, secondly, if painful feelings are allowed to flow freely, the memory of the original wounding event or trauma will be recalled to awareness. When the original wounding trauma is remembered, it can be healed permanently through remembering and feeling all emotions connected with it completely through.

Living and reliving an old painful memory not only allows the feelings to heal through flowing and releasing, but it also allows the mind to recall facts and details that were not noticed at the time of the original trauma. Additional insights change the perception of what happened and why.

As a painful memory is remembered over and over again and each time the feelings are allowed to be felt, changes of perception keep developing.

These changes of perception eventually become spontaneous healing images.

A memory is made up of only three things. They are feelings, mental pictures, and thoughts.

Deep new insights change feelings, thoughts, and mental images. These changed feelings, mental pictures and thoughts replace the original feelings, mental pictures and thoughts.

In this way, a memory is permanently changed forever.

Because feelings are the water element, they must flow in order to stay pure and healthy. If a feeling is resisted, bottled up, bypassed, denied, or disassociated from they go underground where they continue to work subconsciously.

Feelings must be felt in order to change them, in order to heal them. They can't be made to 'go away' through will or 'thought away' through reasoning, or medicated away etc.

One of the THE LAWS OF EMOTIONS IS:WHEN FEELINGS ARE FELT, THEY CHANGE.

When a feeling is negative, it must be felt through in a safe and non-destructive way. If a negative feeling is denied or acted out destructively, it cannot heal. A negative feeling can only heal by being felt through in a safe place without causing any harm to anyone or anything. Crying in a pillow, or hitting a pillow does not cause harm.

It is best to accept all feelings, both negative and positive, with an attitude of unconditional all encompassing love, because love is the most powerful transformative agent. Loving a negative feeling is like loving a frightened or angry child. Love creates the acceptance and safety for the healing to take place.

It is also good to use eye movement when feeling negative feelings, because it helps the feelings process quickly.

wiltay

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #36 on: November 27, 2007, 04:21:23 PM »
Ami, I've also thought at times that you must be 'in love with pain 'because you pursue it so single-mindedly.  You repeat the same feelings and issues many times in different ways, always trying out new and different angles on them, which may appear from the outside that you are just wallowing' in pain, but  I know that you are just "chasing them down' so you can root them out and heal yourself.  It's just your 'method.'  You are very graphic, very real, you leave no stone unturned, you aren't afraid to look at anything that needs looking at and you never give up until you're satisfied.   I  love and treasure you for this, even though I find it painful.  We all have our different paths to healing and the same path won't work for everybody. 

Bill

 

Iphi

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #37 on: November 27, 2007, 04:40:59 PM »
I liked the article excerpt Lise.  Will you post a link?  I'd like to read more if there is more.  I wrote on here a while ago about an emotional flooding experience I had about 10 years ago.  A catalyst (old (dysfunctional) flame) incident just started to melt down the glacier of dissociative numbness and all kinds of things unthawed.  It was a wild ride.

Personally, I am very comfortable with the intensity approach and find it very helpful because I recognize it immediately so I feel really communicated with, even if I don't have time to reply.  Also, in the past I journaled for years and it seemed to me much as it Ami described it - your focus on the emotion, fully explore it, take the time to feel and examine the aspects of it and your learn a lot from it.  I learn a great deal from actually experiencing my emotions - they contain so much information.   Also, I avoided so much for so long, and faked so much and tried to excuse and explain away so much and pretend that so much BS was actually true when it wasn't.....

For me - there's no way around but through.  Let's get right down in there and blast out the grime. 



Character, which has nothing to do with intellect or skill, can evolve only by increasing our capacity to love, and to become lovable. - Joan Grant

Ami

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #38 on: November 27, 2007, 05:57:18 PM »

 I think that I, ultimately,have to trust myself.
 My problems all started when I gave up my internal "compass"
  I have to do what feels right to me ,as far as healing. Isn't the board about finding your true voice?
 Maybe, mine is a "high" note  and s/one else's is a "low' note. Maybe ,mine is  Yang and s/one else's is  Yin.
  I feel that I will go forward ,as I have been. I can always change direction at any given point . That is the beauty of it. Thanks for caring and commenting.                 Love  Ami


(((((((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

changing

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #39 on: November 27, 2007, 06:05:55 PM »
Hi Ami-

You are so right! You have been given free will and a fine intelligence by your Creator- you  know how to choose, and you ultimately reap the rewards! Glad you are having a great day!

Love,

Changing

Hopalong

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #40 on: November 27, 2007, 08:49:10 PM »
Thank you, Ami.
That was such a nondefensive and clear reply.

Hmmm. You all are really making me think.
I know that at times when my D would want to vent excruciating distress I would feel near panic.

So I bet that your deep mining of emotion is ringing some similar note in me, Ami.

Can't be that all these insightful people are not stumbling over some moments of resistance to your process and they're all wrong. That can't be.

So I'm going to reflect on this. All of it.

I guess the one thing I'd mention that jumped out at me from Lise's post is the thing about having compassion for yourself while you excavate and truly feel the pain. I think maybe that's missing for me, sometimes, in some of your posts. I am distressed by your self-hatred and want to fix it.

Hmmm. Well, (((((((((Ami)))))))))))) and ((((((((everyone)))))))...

love to you,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Gabben

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Ami

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #42 on: November 27, 2007, 09:13:55 PM »
Dear Hops,
  I am glad that you had that self awareness. From the beginning of my time on the board,we have had this same undercurrent with each other.
On  the board,as in real life, we are often playing out our own drama's with other people as the "actors" in our own play.We all do it to others and others do it to us.
  I am glad that you can look to yourself rather than to me and my issues. It is a good learning experience for me to trust myself and for you to face deep pains that you might be pushing away.
     I appreciate the many,many times that you have been there for me ,Hops.        Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #43 on: November 27, 2007, 09:26:47 PM »
[
SIGH. Such is the struggle to get totally free of enmeshment. I'm going to have to go back and read what others have said about this, because I've decided that it's this particular n-trick that's keeping me afraid of commitment, sabotaging my intentions. It's like selling your soul to the devil. You really want something... and then be so close to achieving it... and then it's time to "pay up". Enmeshment promises the unconditional love... and then you have to "pay up", by losing yourself, sabotaging yourself... taking on the characteristics of the controlling other - who would cease to exist (in their mind) except for being the center of YOUR universe.


Dear Amber,
  What you are saying is EXACTLY my  point on my first post in this thread. It is about 'selling your soul to the devil". That was what I was describing . I was only" half killing "myself if "he" would let me have the other half.I was paying homage to him if he would let me have a "crumb" back. The very 'tricky" part of all this is that these old patterns have a feeling of comfortable familiarity. It is a feeling of falling on a bed in  dark room with the blinds shut.It is a "coming home" ,in a bad way.
  I made a "deal" with the devil that he could have my mind if I could have my body. Well, after he got my mind, he wanted my body, too.
 Scott Peck talks about  all these things in his books.
      Ami
]
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Hopalong

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Re: Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself
« Reply #44 on: November 27, 2007, 09:40:33 PM »
Thanks, Ami.

hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."