[quote author=Shunned link=topic=6209.msg100318#msg100318 date=1196100905]
OK, I'm relieved that you're not beating up on yourself for what (on second thought) you seem to be describing... what I call the ROLE you were scripted to play - to survive your mom. The ROLE has it's own set of "feelings" - it's own patterns of thought & behavior... and it's NOT US.
I really don't think YOU hate yourself - but the ROLE gets more than a little freaked out and can make us miserable, when we start to see through it's mind-games. It gets desperate. It gets terrified... because the only reason it ever existed in the first place, is because we had to "pretend" we WERE the role that got pasted on top of us (like paper doll clothes)...
The ROLE is what makes your body have illness symptoms when you start feeling too good about yourself. The ROLE can make you question whether you're a good, normal person... for having normal feelings. It's trying to protect you - it means well - but it's well-meaning intention is out of context, when you are OUT of the situation where you had no other means of protecting yourself. It's OBSOLETE. (and that freaks it out).
This 3rd-personlizing of the part of me that's the ROLE became necessary - because once I saw how it got stuck onto me; how I participated in allowing it to "stick"... I had to have a way to talk about "it" to differentiate it from ME. It's NOT me... it's how I was taught to feel, think and behave... it's NOT ME. Being able to SAY: it's not me, helped SOOOOOOO much, in feeling, thinking, being me - my true self. (Though that's still a work in progress.)
What might get you "over the hump" with this is some good ol' validation. I believe you're a warm, friendly, out-going, smart, intuitive, and NORMAL person Ami. I believe your instincts are excellent and I think you can trust yourself - though it will take some practice (don't I know it!!). I've read so many good things you're doing for yourself now. You've made a LOT of prorgress!! You've got a really funny (humourous) side, too - though you don't show it often yet. I believe you will soon.
I think you've done a tremendously good job of sorting yourself out, so far... and I believe you're farther along than you give yourself credit for! (that'd make you modest, too)
But, my "stop it" still works in this context because only YOU can tell the ROLE to take a flying leap (which is what I meant - it just didn't come across without the explanation)... that it's NOT YOU. The only thing we control in this life is ourselves. And only you know if this "fits" and if you're ready for that step.
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Dear Amber,
Thanks for the "Mom" type of validation. We can sure use that--huh?
You are right about this "layer"being part of the "Role". The Role made us denude our feelings. So, we are left like a cat without it's claws. We need our claws. We need our self protective instincts..
Now, we have to fight our way back to being "whole" people.
Thanks for the validation and understanding that all this S##t is the "Role----bleh. Love Ami
((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))))
