Does the N ever receive HER just deserts?

[surviver]

I found this site about a month ago.  I am a male surviver of an 8 yr. relationship (w/2 engagement phases) with an abusive female somatic N.  She was picture perfect at the beginning.  The first half of the relationship we were very long distance..seeing each other 6 nights per month.  The extended honeymoon was grand, and I never picked up the signals or clues to her NPD or her abusivness and destructive nature.  When I moved back home and proposed to her ...she within weeks started to dynamite and sabotage the relationship, criticize me, my kids, my entire life in general, she honestly tried to destroy me.  I was always trying to figure out what happened, what was going on here, i used to get the worst headaches and I was always so damn confused.  She convinced me that our problems were because of me, my kids, my x wife, yet I knew that they were not, yet I succombed to her abuse, for I was afraid to lose her...She did the push pull and it went on (i unfortunately allowed it) for almost 4 years, we must have pushed pulled - on again off again over 100 times...from 2 days apart, to three months, it was insane, I was insane for tolerating it.  I finally somehow had the energy left in me to end it and throw her out of my home, we were engaged at the time.  Within 1 week she found a newly separtated man and moved in with him.  I was stunned beyond my own ability to believe it....I went into PTSD and it lasted for almost 4 months, no sleep, high anxiety, horrible dreams...to whole terrible process.  I found a website for CP and Narcissism and was floored with what I found.  I was sick to my stomach coming to the realization that I was a victum of the darkest form of abuse imaginable to the loving human soul and loving heart of a man.  

It has been 8 months now of hard work and healing.  Even with the news of her new found man, I never made contact with her.  I knew I had to run to save my life.  Everything is clear now, I am about 95% clear of the greiving...still have a little residual to get through.....but the bottom line is I now know the TRUTH about her, I known that she will never change and that all her relationships regardless of the image she tries to portray them in are all just big complete LIES...and I thank GOD to this day that he never answered my prayers to marry this woman.  

So one of my final questions is:  Do the N's ever get what's coming to them? i.e. what goes around comes around?

Would love to hear the thoughts and experience from this board.

[Jaded911]

Hi surviver,

You asked this million dollar question:

So one of my final questions is: Do the N's ever get what's coming to them? i.e. what goes around comes around?

I personally feel that they do not get half of the pain, abuse, confusion, nor the emotional scars that they dish out to everyone who crosses their paths.  I think these people spend their hole lives trying to find the perfect mate, the perfect job, the perfect kids, the perfect you name it.  They are on a constant search for happiness.  Expecting others to make them happy, when all the while they are so miserable inside that they just think the whole world sucks and that nobody is capable of holding up to their end of the bargain.  Well, the way I finally figured out that a relationship with a N was a losing deal is when I thought to myself, damn Mindy, youre losing yourself in this realtionship, he is draining everything from you.  Ahha, if you have a checking account, you have to deposit from time to time to keep it afloat.  If you constantly withdraw and do not deposit, eventually you overdraw.

The N just kept taking those funds out of my heart and soul.  He never once thought that he should deposit in my emotional bank.  Eventually you begin to lose touch with reality and you begin to believe that maybe it is you.  Maybe you did say the things they said you did, maybe you did give them that shitty look or the tone in your voice was harsh, so maybe they did have the right to jump you about something you did or said.

I finally wised up one day and the second he began his chit, I turned on a recorder.  I ended up leaving the house and drove to the nearest parking lot and I just sat and listened to your argument.  I was shocked.  I heard every dang way of manipulation possible from him.  It amazes me that N actually attempt, and succeed at times, to twist minds the way they do.

You mentioned that within a short amount of time, your ex-N had shacked up with another man.  All I have to say is, if he thinks he has himself a winner, ummm, you came out the winner here.  I hope that you dont for one minute think that she has changed for him.  Their relationship is hunky dorey because you know better.  I mean for god sake, how deeply could you love someone if you have the ability to walk away and not blink an eye.  Love is a very deep thing and to N love is only a word to use when they need to manipulate.  Their relationship is probably rapidly going down hill just the way yours did.  I would venture to bet that one day you will get a call from that dude.  He will call to get your input on the mac truck that just plowed him over like she did you.

Congratulations on your recovery.  It is a long, hard process but you know, you gain so much insight during that time.  I always tried to think of a word that would best describe what it would be like to be a N.  The best word I could come up with was PURGATORY.  I actually looked up the true definition and lord and behold, this is what I found.

"a place or state of temporary suffering or misery "

Replace that temporary with permanent and it pretty much describes the turmoil they have constantly.  So to answer your question, your ex-N already did get what comes around goes around, she lost you, so the only loser there was her, you walked away like a big fat cat.  She will live a life of hell inside her head, that seems like a pretty good come around to me.

You will find that special lady that gives back  as much as you give.  I know it seems hard to imagine right now, but there are good people out there and you just happened to find a rotten apple.  That only makes the perfect woman more perfect.  If you never experience sadness, how would you ever know how wonderful happiness feels?  

[surviver]

Hey Jaded...thank you, your response was awesome and dead on in point and fact.  

I sincerely appreciate your comments

[Anonymous]

So one of my final questions is:  Do the N's ever get what's coming to them? i.e. what goes around comes around?

Their lives are miserably unhappy, confused, chaotic, there is no joy. And they don't know what true achievement feels like. So I would say that they are continually getting what's coming to them. If you want to know whether she will be punished specifically for her behavior toward you, who knows. The best revenge is for you to get happiness out of your life.

bunny

[Jaded911]

TY surviver.  I know it is very hard to gather up all of the information about the events that took place with her, also about NPD to put them all together in order to figure out what in the hell just happened to you.  It took me weeks just to stop crying and then months to figure out which way was up.  This board allowed me to have the sense to realize that it was not me and that everything that i had experienced with my N was right on Q with everyone else who has experienced this frazzle.

Nobody can make the pain go away.  There isnt a word that anybody could whisper that would make sense of it all because you just have to grasp it first, then let reality set in, then move the hell way beyond it.  So many people told me that they had never seen me so vulnerable, sad, confused, and ya know what, its because I had never been before that time in my life.  Did any of your friends or family suggest you just quickly move on and forget she ever existed???  Mine sure did.  I cant tell you how many people would tell me to just forget about him, hes not worth it.  Ya they were right, lol, he wasnt worth the crying, nerve stimulating experience that I went through but I gained so so much insight about myself.  The N that was in my life, well thats another story and it is very, very long and I could raise alot of eyebrows with it, but I am not ready to head down that road yet.

You keep plugging along and surround yourself with those who truly care about you.  It might be little comfort, but atleast its comfort.  I dumped alot of friends over this incident.  I had some that just had to do the "I told you so" thing.  Screw that, lol, had enough of that with him.  Any person that could say that at a time like that, who needs um anyway.  Love and support is what got me through the ordeal.  Nobody had to tell me the "I told you so's"  I already figured it out but just didnt not have the emotional strength to do what I should have done.  

Oh what a tangled web they weave, when N practice to deceive.  Hey, that actually can be my new motto!!  

[surviver]

Dear Bunny and Jaded

Thank you again for your replys, I appreciate your wisdom very much.

It is such a shocking reality when it finally hits you.  I remain surprised with myself that when I was in the middle of this toxic relationship, always trying to figure out what was wrong with me, my life, my kids, shutting off all communication with my x wife to the detriment of my children...all for the N, that I never once inquired with the web to ask "what's going on here".  Although, my sisters knew and they tried to tell me several times to "loose her fast..she's a sick woman" I obviously and unfortunatley ignored them.....I simply had no idea what narcissism really and truly was nor had i any idea about commitmentpobia.....it was all stunning to me.

One of the most difficult components of the healing proicess for me has been overcoming the self-doubt that I somehow developed.  I have NEVER had an issue with self doubt in my life.  So when she bolted with the new guy..I was so beaten up and depleted that I immediately said to myself...she has the perfect situation now...away from me and all my burdens....then I found the website for CP and narcissism...and like the GOD send that it was...I realized how I had been so horribly abused by her.  It literally shook me.  I then did a lot of research on PTSD, and the first thing that you read is PTSD does not happen unless a traumatic physical event has occurred or  sustained emotional abuse has occurred.    I was the later.

What a head trip this has been.  Thank you all for listening to yet another N game and victim.  

Just a double check question...has what I have portrayed to you on this site typify the N abuse and destruction of relationships that you all have experienced?

Best to you all

[shixie]

Do they get what they deserve?  I personally feel they deserve to be alone so they can not hurt anyone.  In my case that is pretty much what happened.  With my father, who was completely incapable of taking care of himself, lost first his family.  Then the house which he refused to give half to my mom when she left.  He never took care of it anyway.  Then his health with COPD and chirrosis, from years of smoking and drinking.  Any friends he had, either felt sorry for him or disgusted by his bitter stories, spent minimal time if any with him.  He ended up living in a hotel and died there a bitter, sick and lonely old man.

With my ex, within 5 years of leaving him died from cancer.  I feel sorry for his son, who cared for him and believed all of his lies.  His daughter was estranged from him.  His house fell into disrepair.  His lies and bitterness continued.  I asked his daughter if he wanted to make peace with me before he died.  She said he didn't.  At first I was hurt,  but not anymore.  He didn't have an opportunity to pour salt into my still open wounds.  I feel sorry for his kids.  They're left to pick up their lives.  But at least he can not create any new damage.  In a strange way I felt relief after they died.

[Jaded911]

Hi surviver,

"Just a double check question...has what I have portrayed to you on this site typify the N abuse and destruction of relationships that you all have experienced? "

You described perfectly what most experience as a result of a relationship with a N.  I found one thing fascinating that you wrote about.  PTSD is a common side effect that occurs with a Narcissitic relationship.  I also experienced this and it took me awhile to realize what it was that I was experiencing despite my medical background.

As you also mentioned, my self worth began to be questioned by myself.  Even though I have a very skilled profession (I am a trauma flight nurse), I began to wonder if I was worth anything, if I was only acting the role of a worthy human being.  I think back to times when my N would say, oh you think youre so F"N smart dont you, well your smarts aint gotcha nowhere, cause youre a wanna be."    Ummmm, a wanna be what is what I always wondered.  I just didnt know how to put all of this crap in its proper place.  I remember thinking at the time, huh, I believe it is you who wanna be something so you try to knock me down to your level.

I am schooling right now for my masters in forensics.  He used to tell me that I was so so so selfish because all I ever did was study.  In a heated arguement, he told me I would do great with working with dead people because I was a cold Fn you know what.  That was because I wouldnt agree to forget all of the horrible things he had said to me during an attack, and I wouldnt fall graciously into his love shack that night.

It came to a point and I decided to not put up with his verbal or emotional abuse.  I began to throw back hurtful things and man oh man did the chit hit the fan.  Got my rib broke over one encounter with him.  Even after all of that, I could not find the ability to get the hell out of dodge.  I had alot of factors that differed from yours.  My main reasoning for staying was he had a 5 yr old precious little girl who I had raised for 2 1/2 yrs.  I just couldnt pull myself away from this little girl who came to know me as her mommy.  I fought like hell for her and continued to do so after the relationship ended.  I often wonder why I couldnt realize that enough was enough and it was time to save my own soul.  

That actually refers to the post about normal mothering.  I loved that little girl as much as I love my own children so I toughed out what I had to in order for her to have hopes and dreams.  So I have no regrets about how long or why I stayed for so long.  I gave her love which allowed her to dare to dream of a good future.

The only thing I believe that differs between folks that have been through a N encounter is the amount of will and the ability of each individual to move emotionally and mentally on.  I have fought many battles in my life to get where I was before I met him.  I just happened to have a tremendous amount of determination and stubbornous.  I was not about to let this man hold me in this mental hell 4-ever.

Following our breakup, I realized I had to do what I needed to do to guarantee that precious little girls safety.  I went through great measures to ensure that her safety would be maintained.  Heck, LOL, he even went as far as attempting to put a restraining order on me.  I had 2 choices at that point.  #1-I could walk away with the damage he had caused me in order to preserve what was left of me, or #2-The same as number 1 only I had to also fight for a little girl who had every damn right to live a happy, safe, and stable emotional life.  I chose #2 and fought my ars off for her.  This through him into a crisis as some N can have happen.  I read up on everything and by golly, I mean even how to handle a N with success while seeking revenge.  

LOL, I betcha he didnt know this dog's bite could be so harsh.  I was like a pitbull and I wouldnt change a thing about it.

The damage that these relationships cause can be a wonderful learning experience about yourself.  I had to see it this way or he would have won.  He would have trapped me into this emotional hell 4-ever.  It wasnt worth it to me to give him what he had been seeking during the entire relationship.  I finally realize that his intentions were to drag me into his mental hell.  Ummm, no thank you!  I would rather die an old maid then to ever ever ever ever let this happen to me again.  My determination and will to live was way to strong to allow someone else to stomp it out.

Journaling helped me so much.  I look back at some of my writings and I see a person that I dont even recognize.  I see an addict in some of writings.  Well hells bells, having addictions hurts noone but the addict.  Over time the real Mindy began to surface in my journaling.  It was such a bittersweet feeling but then I would rather have that then to just plain ole stay bitter.

You seem like you are way on your way to finding the old you.  I meant the old you who is wiser.  

Psssssss........Hi bunny!!!!!!!!!!!!

[shixie]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone, if I did.  Was the addict remark about my post?  N's frequently have substance abuse problems from what I have read.  They hurt more than themselves, they destroy families.  Its a double injury.  Even if you take the alcohol away they still have NPD.  I too am hoping to find answers in my writing.

[Anonymous]

Shixie,

I had to read your post about 7 times to try to find something that would or could offend anyone.  Hun, I can only speak for myself here, but I did not see one thing that could possibly upset me.  Only thing that upset me was that I had to read it 7 times without my glasses, lol.  They were upstairs and to be quite honest about it, I was bein lazy.

You know Shix, the good thing about this world is that no matter who you try to please, there is absolutely no way of pleasin um all.  You shared your experience and by gosh I believe that is what this message board is all about.  Sharing your experiences and finally finding what it is that you had been searching for your entire lifetime.  That would be gaining your own voice.

I have read some things on this board that I do not necessarity agree with but I am an adult and I realize that everyone has the right to voice their own opinions.  If you want to know something, pssst, you are exactly right about the addictions that some N individuals have.  I believe alcohol, drugs, sex, abusive patters, etc. are just a way of dealing with, or should I say not dealing with their anger and the ghosts that haunt them from within.

I guess then if anyone was offended by your statement, they are only denying what most experts state.  

I hope Im the one that doesnt offend anyone with my statements, lol.  But then again, that wouldnt be the first time and it aint gonna be the last.  But as the old saying goes "Opinions are like arsholes, everyone has one, its just a matter of knowing when to share it that counts."    

Kudos to you expressing how you feel!!

[Anonymous]

Guest above, uhha, that would be Jaded

[shixie]

Thank you for your response.  Since learning about NPD I look at things differently.  I often wonder if substance abuse gets the blame for bad behavior when it in reality is NPD.  Curing the addiction doesn't always change the person.  Thanks again for responding.  

[mighty mouse]

Shixie and Jaded,

My closest friend used to point out to me that my family (non drinkers) resembled that of a "dry drunk". So yes...I would say that NPD is probably the culprit because it so mirrors that of an alcoholic's (or substance abusing) family.

And I am always asking people on the board if I offended because as we all seem to know, it is extremely easy to offend an individual with NPD. I always think everything out of my mouth will offend someone! I hope I didn't offend anyone here LOL.

MM

[shixie]

Thank you for your response.  Since learning about NPD I look at things differently.  I often wonder if substance abuse gets the blame for bad behavior when it in reality is NPD.  Curing the addiction doesn't always change the person.  Thanks again for responding.  

[Jaded911]

MM,
 Your statement is so so true.  Dealing with a N makes you stop, think, cross your fingers, and hope they take what you say right with your breath held.  It does carry over to other people that cross your path.  I used to think about every word so not to offend him.  Funny how they don't practice what they preach.  Their words come out faster and crueler then a damn fightin alley cat.

Then they expect you to just get over it.  If you dont, they start slinging the next round of horse chit at ya.  I often wondered how N can lay their head down at night.

Boy, what a whicked way to have to live your life.