In answer to your question, I didn't really "realize" that my mother was an N. I started counseling last June (a year of heaven I might add) because I had finally reached my wits end with her and felt like I was going to jump off the deep end as fast as I could. When I started going, my original goal (I had no psychology background or knowledge at this time) was to learn how to get along with her without totally disobeying God. After a few sessions of just unloading my anger, frustration and confusion my counselor began teaching me to slowly set boundaries. My mother had always used God as a threat against me and so my (christian) counselor also began to unravel the mixed up beliefs that my mother had ingrained in me (in hindsight a bunch of bull that was only self-serving for her).
Hi Michelle,
Thank's for replying to my question. I did go back and found your original "Wounded Inner Child" post where you described the events leading up to your decision to end the communication with your mother. Almost had to laugh (or cry) where you described calling her after a week and getting the "so what do YOU want?" response. I had heard that so many times and was so conditioned to striving for her approval that it never occurred to me to take offense. Or if it did I quickly buried my feelings, since I had been convinced that my natural instincts were wrong at best, and more accurately described as evil.
My mother has always used her self appointed connection with God as a way of asserting her superiority over others. She has no need to attend church services, however, because those are for people who don't have her connections. Of course I bought it all; I'm ashamed to admit for how long.
I know now that self doubt is something I'll always have to live with, the difference is that I now realize that everyone else lives with it too.
I felt so guilty for "abandoning" my mother just when she needs me the most. But I've just been deluding myself. She doesn't need me, she needs a new source of unquestioning admiration. That's something I can't give her, so if she won't accept the shopping trips or an actual non-accusatory conversation, and it doesn't even have to be a two-way conversation, then I have nothing left to offer. And if I have nothing that she wants or needs, then why should I feel guilty for not giving it?
If I can't conquer the guilt with logic, convoluted logic works just fine too. It ought to, that's what I was raised on.
Singer
