What exactly is Abuse ?

[Leah]

I have been wondering about, and mulling over, the subject of ....


What is Abuse ?


.... from the dictionary:

>  use to bad effect or for bad purpose

>  misuse position of power

>  insult verbally

>  maltreat a person

>  improper use of power

>  unjust or corrupt practise

>  deception

>  hiding the truth


Therefore, it is possible that anyone, in any life situation or circumstance, can abuse another.


and also,

in any relational and / or domestic violence situation.

[tayana]

The Wikipedia definition:  Abuse refers to the use or treatment of something (a person, item, substance, concept, or vocabulary) that is seen as harmful.

Here is the link to the article which includes links to articles on various types of abuse.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abuse

[SilverLining]

It's a question I have thought about a lot.  One thing I have tried to do is reframe the issue from "what is abuse" to "what is traumatizing".  That way the focus is on personal experience and not what the world or the legal system defines as abuse.  A lot of behavior can be traumatizing for others that would never get a person into legal trouble. 

I think it's an especially important question for those of us who have a lot of experience with "quiet" N's. 

[Leah]

It's a question I have thought about a lot.  One thing I have tried to do is reframe the issue from "what is abuse" to "what is traumatizing".  That way the focus is on personal experience and not what the world or the legal system defines as abuse.  A lot of behavior can be traumatizing for others that would never get a person into legal trouble. 

I think it's an especially important question for those of us who have a lot of experience with "quiet" N's. 

Deartjr100,

So glad that you have brought up "traumatizing" as it is something that rarely mentioned.

And certainly, personally, I have not comes across anyone with an understanding of "traumatizing" with regard to a "quiet" N.

As my now exNH was a "quiet" N and that is what I endured from him "traumatizing"

People who know him as he is, "quiet" would find it hard to comphrehend and accept that he was abusive, based soley on him being a "quiet" person.

Truly, can't thank you enough for highlighting this vital aspect of abuse, as no-one in my life experience has ever acknowledged it.

Now, I truly am so very glad that I tentatively started this thread.

Love, Leah

[tayana]

Izzy, I don't think most people would think that.  I think its more common knowledge now that abuse victims and victims of trauma like earthquakes and such, and also victims of crime suffer from PTSD.

I think traumatizing abuse is the sort that affects after the initial incident.  For example, I could walk down the street and be called an insulting name by a stranger.  I might get upset, but I probably won't be traumatized by it.  However, being call the same name by my mother, who has a history of emotional and verbal abuse would be traumatizing.  I think it depends a lot on the relationship too.  We don't expect parents to do these things to us.  We don't expect spouses, lovers, etc to do these things.  These people are supposed to love us, and instead, they hurt us.  In the workplace, abuse is a little different, but still we expect to be treated a certain way and we are traumatized when those expectation aren't met.

Does that make sense?

[Leah]

Regarding PTSD and trauma

The bullyonline website helped me enourmously, and interestingly, PTSD is highlighted in every single aspect of life.

Resources for understanding, insight, healing and recovery.

http://www.bullyonline.org

Love, Leah

[tayana]

Izzy, I often think about what  my mother would say when I make a choice about doing/buying something.  If she would not approve, chances are very good, I'm making a healthy choice.  Pretty bad when that's a consideration for all choices I make, isn't it?

I understand what you're saying.  I don't know that I can use the word "traumatize" either, but I can definitely say abuse.  The abuse was more of a covert nature, rather than something tangible and easy to point to. 

I just wasn't sure I was making sense when I was replying.  Sometimes I think something and it comes out funny.

Leah, that website helped me a lot too.

[changing]

My Dears Izzy and Tayana-

I believe that you have both been to war, and won a decisive hard - fought victory for yourselves.

With Admiration,

Changing

[lighter]

Speaking of which.... how's your battle going lately, changing?

[Certain Hope]

It's a question I have thought about a lot.  One thing I have tried to do is reframe the issue from "what is abuse" to "what is traumatizing".  That way the focus is on personal experience and not what the world or the legal system defines as abuse.  A lot of behavior can be traumatizing for others that would never get a person into legal trouble. 

I think it's an especially important question for those of us who have a lot of experience with "quiet" N's. 

Oh! Thank you for this, TJR.... exactly!!

And thank you, dear Leah, for this thread. Feeling less traumatized by the minute, most days, and yet... there are times....

Love,

Carolyn

(((((((((((((((((Bean))))))))))))))))   ugh 

[Leah]

>   Check if the TV is warm and one has been watching TV on ones day off   

>   Check the bonnet of the car to feel if it is warm and check if one has been out for a visit to friend (female) on day off   

>   Remove a component from car (forgot the name of it) to ensure one cannot enjoy a day out on ones own   

>   Hide or Steal ones car keys


Another one for the list:

>   Divide and Rule   and/or   Divide and Conquer


Experienced that one in various guises and forms, in FOO and none.

Leah


and ((((((((( Bean )))))))))) I have read through your very long list again and my heart saddens that you have suffered all those

areas of abuse.  Patricia Evans "Controlling People"  must certainly have brought you a huge wave of relief with validation.

[Leah]

Dear Changing,

Would anyone take any notice of me?   Whenever I post anything remotely helpful or positive or encouraging or whatever, however one would describe --- it meets with ridicule and personal attack --- subliminal sometimes.   

Most times it's ignored.

Posted about Communication, Perception and Interpretation with Tips and Ideas to aid meaningful communication -- and encouraged as we all of us make mistakes.

Perception slants bounced around in ridicule after I took the time to share on the subject of Perception.

And the list goes on.

I can * see *

Leah

[Hopalong]

Leah, hon,
You are floundering in the murk.

But you are not murk, or muck.

Please just rest a little. You are trying valiantly to work with your own voice...it's just not clear and crisp and tidy.

That doesn't matter.

It's okay to be who you are, as you are.

I hope you won't give in to this despair.

Thank you for your response to my rough day.
Here's one back for you...

((((((((((((Leah))))))))))))

love to you,
Hops

[Leah]

Leah, hon,
You are floundering in the murk.

But you are not murk, or muck.

Please just rest a little. You are trying valiantly to work with your own voice...it's just not clear and crisp and tidy.

That doesn't matter.

It's okay to be who you are, as you are.

I hope you won't give in to this despair.

Thank you for your response to my rough day.
Here's one back for you...

((((((((((((Leah))))))))))))

love to you,
Hops

Dear Hops,

With all due respect the floundering in the murk has been created by this board as it is happening on this board.

How can you say " it's just not clear crisp and tidy"  ?

When previously you have commended my voice and even liked my use of the word "Serenity"

Why could you not say "sorry" with sincerity yesterday ??

You do for other people here.

When you jumped to the wrong conclusion (Observer has joined the board today .... read Lupita's thread )

Paps has posted today .... read Paps thread.

Why did you just dismiss me with .... "oh never mind"    ?

When I have only ever shown you respect and courtesy, it shocked me, and it hurt me.

And I have expressed interest in your UU faith as I have with Janet too.

I went to the UU website you posted and read all about your UU church.

And then went to the UU website for the UK for Janet too.

What did I ever do, but be, me.   What's so wrong with that?

But, I think I understand, truly I do.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Dear Changing,

No, don't leave forthwith at all, instead stay, as I am going to stay.

You and I both, are genuine people, and I think I understand.

You and I both, think we are unworthy, because we have been told that, maybe, lets think again, maybe we have been sold a lie ?

Don't buy it Changing.   Because, I am not buying it.

Changing, you have sat your finals to be a Lawyer and that clearly demonstrates that you are a people person.

Likewise, I am a people person, love people, but don't always like what they do sometimes (myself included).

Love, Leah