Frustration

[Lupita]

I decided to make another thread since the other took a different direction. Which is OK. That is why we are here. It does not matter.

From Observer:

The problems with Dr. U, other teachers, your son and mother, do you think that these are just the frustrations of life? That things are imperfect and frustrate us? Of course things could be better and we can make things better (improve our relationships, find a better job, etc), but some things take time to improve and some things we cannot improve and our happiness or wisdom lies in knowing the difference between the two.

I think one of my goals in healing is to learn to live with and tolerate my frustrations and disappointments and not let them drive me crazy or depress me. There’s a wonderful saying (I think it is Buddhist) that “Pain is Inevitable, but Suffering is Optional”. We know that life brings pain, but whether we SUFFER due to the pain is sometimes our choice. My therapist told me about her patients who are dying of cancer, yet they are happy for each day they are alive. That gave me a lot of perspective. This is related to what I meant when I said to you about thinking about your philosophy of life.

Thank you Observer, I am aware I am discounting the positive. All black and white, no shades, generalization, personalizing, emotional reasoning, fortune telling and mind reading.

I was very mad at the world because my mother accepted my son taking his girlfriend to her house and she has never allowed me to take anyone, not even a female friends, she said do not bring a woman that is going to flirt with my husband, etc. And my son told me, she will say yes to me. My son robbed it in my nose. My son told me she does not want any guest from yours, but she will take it from me. The girlsfriend mother is so ignorant, and she came to the airport and she told me how come you do not get along with tour mother, what did you do to her, and that really triggered me.

I am playing the cantata in church, more than 100 pages. Very stressful.

At least I recognize that I have nice things and the joy is not there it goes away.

My mother told my son that he is welcome and she write me e mails complaining of his visit, I tell my son and now my son and the girls friend mother doubt me. They don’t understand that the things that my mother tells me she only tells me. Nobody else.

Nobody believes me. How could this woman tell me that why I do not do something to gain to earn the love of my mother, she is so stupid.

Dear Lighter, I do not have energy to think of other jobs. Simply cannot.
I wanted to teach younger children. There is a position open in a school close to my house, I drive one hour to where I work, and the head master told me that it is unethical that she would interview me when I work for another school, that they do not still teachers from each other. So they can fire me when they want but I cannot even apply to another school.

Anyway, I am teaching a piano lesson right now. Be back later.

Please do not tell me to open a piano academy, I have tried that before they fight for students.

I am starting getting frustrated. I know you are trying to help, it is my fault. I feel trapped.

I wish I had somebody to offer a job to me. Like from the sky. Like the piano job I gut from the church. They just called me. I did no look for it.

[Ami]

((((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))))))

[Lupita]

Bornfree said that frustration is a result of not getting what we want. So here I am pouting and crying because my son's girlfriend's mother has no idea what my situation is and here she is judging and telling me what to do, and because my mother does not love me the way I would have wanted.

The boos says, it might be better if......... etc. But it did not happen that wat. So, how much good do I do to my self by suffering for that.

I know, the books says it. Very explicitly. I just cant do it. But the fact that I see it and understand it it is progress.

Gracias Obeserver.

Something else that triggers me very badly is that some people tels me that "I am fine because I have God in my heart, you feel bad because you do not have God in your heart" I hate when somebody tells me that. That is very troggering to me.

Like the book says, it would be better if people did not tell me what I do not want to hear, but they do, so what good does it do to me to be suffering for what people tell. I cannot control what people say. They can say whatever they want. I can disreargd it or ignore it if I do not like it. But not suffer for it.

I am trying. I am awya from that woman since two hours ago and I am still very mad because she told me that I shousl earn the love of my mother. She has absolutly no idea what she is talking about. She is so ignorant.

[Lupita]

Observer, where are you? I need you.

[Hopalong]

Lup...

earn the love of my mother

?? 

Not terribly understanding, that "friend" of yours.

I think you need to let go of the hope that your mother can love you better.
I wonder if when she was a child somebody taught her that witholding affection, constant criticism, and putting a child down was "good for the child." Yarks.

You yearn for it, but you can't earn it.

"It" isn't something your mother knows how to do. So she's not witholding anything. She doesn't have healthy nurturing affirming mother love locked in her jewelry chest. Just old beads in there.

How are you doing with her mean emails, Lu? Do you still get those in your Inbox every few days, with critical mean messages?

love to you,
Hops

[Lupita]

I know that Hops, it is that lady, the girlfriend mother who told me that. She told me that I should earn the love of my mother. That is why I posted today so frustrated and mad and upset and sad. And my son is so in love with her daughter. That woam triggers me very much. I have to get away of her. On top I have to spend Chrsitmas with her because it was a previous commitment.

The e mails, I am not writing to her now beause I am so mad that she told yes to my son. Not because I am mad that my son takes his girlfriend, but mad about the inequality. Mad that it is only me. Only to me. So I have not written to her. In sevral days.

On top she wriotes me complaining about my son visit. Her back hurst because of driving him, etc. I forwared to my son all her e mails.

But I am going backwards, I should pay attention to observer. No no no, should statement again, it would be better if I did not duffer for things i cannot control.

Thank you hops. I am needy right now.

[Lupita]

Dear, very dear Lighter, It is easy for me to see how you feel. I could tell you what to do. I cannot solve my own problems but when I see others I think I see it correctly. Of course I mgith be wrong.

I think you are looking for affirmation. You are looking fro validation. But since here we are all victims of Nism, we did not receive it so we do not know how to give it.

So, you are getting frustrated because you are not receiving the so much needed validation.

The only thing i can tell you is that your posts have been very helpful to me. Many times I come just looking for your responses. Even if I tell you that I do not have the energy to look for another job, maybe I need somebody to show me like a kindergarde child. But I do appreciate your posts and there was a time when I thought you had a degree in psychology because you were so accurate in your analysis.

I guess if you can help one person, it is worth it to stay and I really want you to stay and keep helping me even if I fight with you, it would be like the fights with my son, I fight with my son and I never sotp loving him.

So, the only thing I can tell you, please do not leave here because of another person. Do not do what I do. I need you.

God bless you. 
 
 

[lighter]

Lupita..... I was suggesting that you do a little research into the HOMESCHOOLING aspect of teaching. 

Not the options you've already familiarized yourself with.

I'm actually thinking about that route myself..... maybe you could research it a little for me... and yourself?

Again.... if you had 4 to 8 students.... different ages but younger than highschool..... get paid better and have the appreciation and cooperation all the parents involved.... the cooperation of your students..... would that be better?

you're very well qualified and you speak many languages.... educated.  Bright.  Active and you love to dance, lol.

You sound like someone who might be sought out and appreciated in another arena of teaching..... I think it's worth it to do some research. 

ps  I wasn't yelling when I typed caps... I just want you to understand I wasn't talking about another job teaching 30 kids for low pay in a class room.  Teachers in private schools aren't paid what they're worth, IMO.  Eh.... are any of them?

[Lupita]

No, I am waiting ofr a public position to open to apply. I want to go back to public schools with reirement plan and benefits, good isurance, and much higher salary.

[Observer]

Hola Mi Amiga,

I think you are doing MUY, MUY BIEN  .  I see you have become very conscious of your thinking:

I am aware I am discounting the positive. All black and white, no shades, generalization, personalizing, emotional reasoning, fortune telling and mind reading.

But the fact that I see it and understand it it is progress.

Like the book says, it would be better if people did not tell me what I do not want to hear, but they do, so what good does it do to me to be suffering for what people tell. I cannot control what people say. They can say whatever they want. I can disreargd it or ignore it if I do not like it. But not suffer for it.

I am trying.

But I am going backwards, I should pay attention to observer. No no no, should statement again, it would be better if I did not duffer for things i cannot control.

Dios Mios, Lupita!!  Did you write this, or did a serene Zen Buddhist write it???     Lupita, look at the incredible progress you have made; it’s wonderful!!   

You have become aware of distorted thinking and you are now conscious of the thoughts you are thinking. 

You are aware of how your EMOTIONS affect your THOUGHTS and how your THOUGHTS affect your EMOTIONS. 

You have become aware that it is POINTLESS to MAKE YOURSELF SUFFER about things over which you have NO CONTROL.

Congratulations, Lupita!!  This is a big and important accomplishment and you achieved it so quickly.  Muy, muy bien.

Can you be nice enough to yourself to congratulate yourself and tell yourself that you did a great job?  If you had a friend who achieved a goal very quickly, wouldn’t you tell your friend that they did a great job?  Can you be a friend to yourself and tell yourself that you did a wonderful job by learning so quickly to identify distorted thinking?

I think you are not recognizing your accomplishment and you are making like it is no big deal, but it is a big deal.  So I hope you will celebrate your accomplishment by doing something nice you yourself, just like you would do for a friend.  Lupita, please learn to be kind to yourself.

Now, let’s talk about the girl friend’s mother (I will call her “GFM”).  I think that the real problem with the GFM is that YOU are letting her IGNORANCE aggravate you.  Remember, you have NO CONTROL over the GFM, in fact you have NO CONTROL over anyone EXCEPT YOURSELF.  We have no control over other people, we only have control over ourselves.

So, the question becomes, why do you allow GFM, who is obviously an ignorant person, to aggravate you? 

Here’s a couple of things I want to say about people like GFM, Dr. U, your mother and all the other annoying people in your life:  Use Filters and Boundaries.

First, I think you need to develop a Filter to separate out what is “truthful, relevant and accurate” from what is “bullsh*t, untruthful or inaccurant” when people speak to you. 

Lupita, you seem to be treating the “bullsh*t, untruthfulness and inaccuratcy” which GFM said to you AS IF it were “truthful, relevant and accurate”, otherwise, why would you be so upset?

GFM does not know you, she does not know about how much your mother has hurt you, GFM doesn’t know ANYTHING true about your relationship with your mother, so WHY do you give her any credence?  GFM doesn’t know squat, right?  GFM certainly does not sound sympathetic or kind to you, because if she was, she wouldn’t have said what she did, right? 

You are upset because YOU are giving GFM CREDIBILITY which she has not earned and does not deserve.

So, whenever someone says something to you, you must run it through your FILTER in order for you to decide whether the information is CREDIBLE, ACCURATE and RELEVANT and whether you should accept it as TRUTH. 

For example, you know that GFM did not take into account your point of view concerning your mother, so WHY would you give credence to what she says?  GFM does not understand (or discounts) your feelings, so why give her any credence?  If you don't give her credence, then GFM becomes like an annoying little fly that you can shoo away.  Of course, don't be hostle or mean to her, but try to ignore her whenever you can.

Likewise, use the filter as your boundary.  For example, since you determined that what GFM said to you is “bullsh*t, irrelevant, untruthful and inaccurate”, now put up a Boundary to protect your feelings so that her words do not hurt you.

Try to use this filter and boundary combination for things said to you by Dr. U, your mother and anyone else.  Use the filter and boundary combination to protect yourself so that you won’t let these people upset you or hurt you.

This filter and boundary combination is another way of saying trust your intuition, trust your gut.  If you think someone is gaslighting you, then trust your intuition because they probably are gaslighting you.  So, make a mental note that you will have to filter whatever this person tells you because this person is not trustworthy and then put up a boundary around your feelings so that they CANNOT hurt you.  Use your boundaries to protect yourself. 

And, if the person is not trustworthy, it’s not worth it to get aggravated over them.  Just be very cautious when you are around them and don’t be inclined to believe what they tell you.

I have to go out now.  Hope this helped.

PS:  Spending Christmas will be a way to test your skills with GFM.  On the other hand, do you really want to spend Christmas with her?  As I myself heal from N abuse, I've decided that I will try to avoid spending time with people I do not like.  I understand that you do not want to hurt your son, but please be true to yourself.  Will it drive you crazy to spend Christmas with GFM?  Can you handle her?  Will you feel guilty if you don't go?

Con mucho amour.

[Hopalong]

Hello Observer,

May I ask, have you posted on the board previously under another name?
For some reason your voice, your way of writing, feels familiar.

You are not obligated to answer, of course.

Would you like to start a thread to share a little about yourself?
What is your living situation now? Are you coupled, on your own, a parent?
Who is the N in your life?
What has worked best for you?
Was there an event or moment when things began to turn?

best,
Hopalong

[Leah]

Dear Observer,

Please would you be so kind as to let me know the source or resource regarding your post, so that I may study this subject area.

Truly, would be very much appreciated.

And I feel that I need to know if you are a previous poster under a different name, as that kind of throws me of kilter a bit.

Thank you.

Leah

[changing]

Hi Obeserver-

I agree with Leah, as so often happens.

Thank you,

Changing

[Lupita]

Dear Observer, thank you for your time. The filter was presented to me by lighter long time ago. But I was at a different stage of development and could not internalize it.
Now that I can identify my thoguhts I am in a better position to think about filters. In fact I am filtering discounting the positive.
She is not a bad person, she bought me flowers for my birth day and gave me a gift card for an apartmemt store. Also, for some reason, she calls me and wants to spend time with me. We went dancing one night and she paid everything. She lost her husband fo thirty years, three years ago. She did not have a mother, she was raised by a very selfish stepmother and run away from hom at 19. But she drives me crazy, she is very controling, she wants to say what everybody is going to do. She triggers me. But I wish i was a mature person and handle it gracefully. If I could. I see her as a threath because I think she is stilling my son. I am afraid that my son will spend more time with her than with me. She is also worried for her daughter.
Now, why, if I know that she is not totally bad, that she is worried about her kid, that she is good with my son, etc. I still feel she drives me crazy for one thing she said? I know why. She pushed a very hurting botton, and she has money, and she invites my son constantly to restaurants which I cannot do.
I will study my book more, and will prepare for Chrsitams with her. I will consider it an exercise.

Again, filtering. It now works with my students. They say "this is stupid" "this is retarded" and I was hurting becasue my students did not appreciate my work. Of course, they do not want to work. It took me severla years of teaching to understand that I do not have to feel bad becuase teen agers do not want to work. Now it is automatic. When they say this is stupid I say, "well, too bad, if you wantcredit for it you have to do it" and I do my best to not angage with students in discussions. I tell  them I am here to teach you foreign language and not to debate about controversial issues. But it took me ten years to get to this point.

So the filtering my mother and friends so I can have a social life "normal" so i can go out with friends and not feel triggerd by every single sh*t they say, I have to train my self. Little by little.

You knw something. just writing here to you, i feel motivated.

People tell me, go volunteer, and if I do not do it I get punished. i have friends, people want to be with me. But I run away all the time because something they say. I have been running all my life. I had to stop going to a very nice book club because I did not know how to deal with a couple of Ns there. They troggered me so badly.

But I am going to find Ns everywhere. According to a book i red recently 8% of people are Ns. So if I go to a group of ten, at lieast one will be an N. Then that person tells me something triggering and I come back home crying and do not go back there again.

I wasted the best opportunity of my life years ago of an important scholarship in research because I could not deal with the N supervisor. They banned me from that because of leaving in the middle of a project.

My life has been ruined up until now because I cannot deal with Ns.

Just last night. Choir rehearsal. They brought a new director, she is very knolegeable, college professor, but a horribel diva. The people there love me, but I am almost about to resign if she stays. So, I am just about to do it again. I know she will treat me like sh*t. She just did it last night.  But all choir directors are like that. if I want to play in a choir I have to deal with the choir director.

So, I analized my feelings like you said in the other thread, and founf out that all my depression from yesterday was because of the cantata and the new director. I knew that hse was going to be bad to me. I was afraid. It happened, and I do not feel as bad today.

Thank you for talking to me in a way that I do not feel judged, critizied, and punished. Thank you for talking to me in a way that does not make me feel triggered.

As you said before because of your years of therapy, you are very knowlegeable person. God bless you and Muchas Gracias.

Looking forward to see your responses.

[Lupita]

Observer, I came out with something else very important!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She bought me flowers for my birthday and took me out etc. That makes her feel the right to hurt me. That is the confusing thing of some Ns. They do nice things to you so you stay and put up with thier sh*t. My mother did that to me all the time. And she always said "after I have given you roof over your head, feed you, lower your fever when you had meassles, etc etc " then she kicks me in the face with very hurting things.

That is why this woman treggers me so badly. She is just like my mother. When I try to have a conversation with her daughter she answers, she does not let the girl answer. The girl is totally mute in fron of her mother.

I need to learn how to deal with these kind of people so i do not run away anymore.

It is so important not to run away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course if we are not prepared for the problem we will get overwhelmed but I have to try. I have one week till Christmas, with the book and your help, I will make it a usccessful visit.