Oh dang. Iphi, I believe you. For an apology to work best it is better for it to be unequivocal.
I am trying to walk a rope covered with peanut butter. I am no saint. I'm just...quivocal.
I do want to apologize to anyone upset by my post, and especially Lupita. And Observer. How do I know why Observer wants it this way? To be someone "new", to break continuity, to not really be known? Just to be a voice in Lupita's ear? Eeek. See the dilemma...I want to be compassionate to Observer's need to be who s/he wants to be. Okay, that's my want. But my innards are having another reaction. It's not black and white. I am feeling a mix of motives. And maybe I'm MISSING Observer! Maybe I don't even know who I'm missing! Oy, confusion.
I do not want to discount my intuition that Observer is a previous poster. Which may or not equal Up To No Good. It may be some issue that's private to Observer about previous self-disclosure. I really don't know. And as you say, there's no rule or promise here that folks won't do that. That it makes me uneasy is a personal issue, not a board issue (I tried to make it one, and I am sorry I did). As you say, though, that's just the nature of the world, and of this microcosm. Maybe it doesn't bother others else, and I did have the option to note and observe my unease in silence. The personal serenity goal would be not to be bothered enough about it to hop into someone else's thread and pot-stir. Oiks. I flunked.
(Not that Observer is up to anything nefarious. Personally, I'm ill at ease when people seem to want to know and "direct" others in an intimate way--particularly others who've stated they're feeling needy as Lupita just did--but it's all one-way, they do not want to be known themselves. Even though anyone, particularly on the Net, has every right to be cloaked, in this board context where people are wounded, it sets off my lack-of-reciprocity and/or boundary alarms. Probably because I have a history of such wounds and problems myself -- so eager for any affection or attention that I never noticed that I was disclosing like crazy, sharing my vulnerability and loneliness and neediness like mad, and the person who was cheering me on and making such intimate assurances had told me literally nothing about themself. Unless they were really cruel to me later. I also have had times in the past when I was invasive. Err, maybe also in the present. UGH. Aha. So it does come from my experience. Maybe I'm unconsciously identifying with something in Observer that's got my id wiggly.)
I wanted to apologize to own up to wanting to control things, and acting sherrify. And being rude to Observer, and disrupting a conversation that was helpful to Lupita. It was NOMB, and I did intrude.
But if I changed it to "without any reason" rather than "without clearer reason" I'd be saying I had no reason at all for it happening in the first place.
Random as my brain can be, there was reason. (Doesn't mean a good reason or an objectively accurate one, but that in my brain, there was a reason.) It was fallible intuition, unprovable, and I think your most important point was...unecessary. I could have chosen not to stick my nose in. And I could also have chosen not to cast doubt on Observer's character. Which is rude and unwelcoming. My character isn't perfect by a long shot. I had tried a softer invite for Observer to be more open but that hadn't worked. Not sure why I decided to be the self-appointed "Introduce yourself before advising Lupita so powerfully" bossypants. In part, I was feeling protective of Lupita. And as you say, that may be inappropriate. "feeling protective" doesn't mean that Lupita needed my protection, and it's even sort of condescending. (I'm sorry, Lupita.) Maybe Observer's got nothing murky whatsoever mixed in with the desire to be nice to Lupita. That's perfectly possible and I was too quick to judge. I'm a nosy-noisy bystander in this instance.
Still, had to apologize as I did, because otherwise I would've been completely cancelling out my own flash of intuition. I can't take it back because: a) I already stirred the pot, and b) because between me myself and I, although my intuition's fallible, when it's signalling persistently I have promised myself to at least not discount it completely. (Have to apologize once the horse has broken through the barn wall though. Nothing else I can do.)
So in considering your response in particular, I am modifying my overconfidence in my intuition but not discarding the whole enchilada so as to still be respectful of myself. I can apologize for a behavioral thing, if not a reasoning thing, and reconsider things in the best possible light I can.
Thanks, Iphi. I know this was convoluted. And I have worked it to death.
Again, Lupita and Observer, I apologize for interrupting. If either of you want to start a fresh thread to continue your conversation, that would be great. I promise you I will not intrude there at all.
Gasp, wore myself out and probably bored and annoyed everybody else.
(BTW, your point about the unrealistic desire to create perfect safety--including asking for reciprocal disclosure--is spot on. All one can do is ask for what one wants, and let go of the outcome. IOW, not try to control everything. Heist on me own petard.)
Hops
