I am poison ... a continuing theme

[SallyingForth]

I used to come here often, originally under the name ITexperiment. I am now under SallyingForth. Hi to everyone I haven't seen in ages. Hi to those I don't even know. On to the topic ...

I am writing a novel about what happened to me. I am near the end of my third rewrite and have discovered a theme which is prevalent throughout all three rewrites of my novel. The theme is my main character/me believes they are poison. They repeatedly say in the novel "I am poison. How could you possibly love me?"

Only in the last week, have I discovered what this means. My N mother had an affair soon after she started work where her husband (my step-father) was employed. And from what I can figure the main character/me took on the guilt and shame that the N mother should have felt for her actions. And from that construed that they were the poison which ruined things for the N mother. I was born out of that affair.

I've discovered this core believe goes deep into my life and was the basis for every relationship, including friends, lovers, and my current relationship. I pick people nearly or exactly like my N mother. Another theme in my life is the children and nephew of my husband having affairs or relationships with people who are like my N mother. I have been bombarded with this theme and now I am trying figure out how to heal from it's long reaching effects.

It feels as if tentacles have reached out into every area of my life to poison it too. There is far more to this than what I have written so far. And ITexperiment was a very appropriate screen name for me. I was literally an experiment and that went far beyond what I mentioned before on this board.

Any ideas about how to heal from this would be welcome.

[SallyingForth]

Hi Izzy,
I stopped associating with my family origin in 1985 and stopped all contact in 1988 for 10 years. I briefly saw them in 1998. I have zero physical contact and limited voice and email contact with them. I had to do this because of what my Nmother, my Nbrother, and step-father did with and to me as a child.

My mother is N and has OCPD [Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder].
My step-father has OCPD and possibly is a N.
My oldest brother is a N and has OCPD.
My youngest brother has OCPD and possibly is a N.
My biological father was a psychopath and therefore automatically a N. And he was a sadomasochist.

My husband is not a N, he has OCPD.

You can read more about OCPD at ptypes.com

[Leah]

I am writing a novel about what happened to me. I am near the end of my third rewrite and have discovered a theme which is prevalent throughout all three rewrites of my novel. The theme is my main character/me believes they are poison. They repeatedly say in the novel "I am poison. How could you possibly love me?"

Any ideas about how to heal from this would be welcome.

Dear Sally,

Just wondering, regarding your quest to heal. 

As you are presently engaged in writing your book, are you also engaged with a Therapist? 

Leah

[SallyingForth]

Hi Leah,
Yes, I've been with the same therapist for 15 years. I found it healing to journal in addition to therapy. Eventually, I turned that journaling into a book about what happened to me. It's a fictionalization, mostly on what my biological father did to me. Writing the book has healed me more than going to therapy and my therapist agrees.

[Ami]

Dear Sally,
  The 'poison" sounds like "shame". I am facing shame in my own life. It is a 'killer".I think that I carry SO much shame and am so used to it that I am NOT really aware of it.I have been trying to face it ,lately.
 It is one of the most horrible feelings.
 It is the feeling that you are SO worthless. It simply hurts so badly. You feel like you could drown---like you cannot get breath.
 I am facing it little by little. I would love to read what you write. It sounds fascination.            Love   Ami

((((((((((Sally))))))))))))))

[Sela]

Hiya Sally,

I remember you.  I used to be GFN (Guest For Now). 

Your belief that you are poison issssssssss false.

To heal, I bet you will have to rid yourself of this belief.  To do this, you will have to spend time and energy rebuking this thought, each and every time it enters your head.  And spend equal or more time, replacing the idea with TRUE POSITIVE ideas about yourself.  Reprogram your brain, so to speak and plant and embrace new beliefs that will nullify and expell this false one.

eg.  You think:  "I am poison."

You immediately tell yourself:  "That is false.  I am a good person.  I will only believe good thoughts about myself."  etc.

That's my 2 cents.  Sounds real simple but it's not.  However, it is doable.  Takes time and perseverence.  First step is to decide to do it.

Welcome back!

Sela

[SallyingForth]

Dear Sally,
  The 'poison" sounds like "shame". I am facing shame in my own life. It is a 'killer".I think that I carry SO much shame and am so used to it that I am NOT really aware of it.I have been trying to face it ,lately.
 It is one of the most horrible feelings.
 It is the feeling that you are SO worthless. It simply hurts so badly. You feel like you could drown---like you cannot get breath.
 I am facing it little by little. I would love to read what you write. It sounds fascination.            Love   Ami

((((((((((Sally))))))))))))))

Yes Ami, I discovered this when I started to journal about the 'poison.'  And then I wrote further in my book and that answer came up as well. Thanks for the confirmation and the hugs.

I wrote in my journal that I suffered more than my mother. But in actuality, she suffered more, her body literally being eaten away by four different diseases. She never dealt with her own ghosts in her closet.

[Ami]

Dear Sally
 I am really seeing how 'shame " works, a little better.It hurts so much that you don't want to even face it. So, it  stays and festers..It  is painful,but MUST be faced. Once,it is faced it is not nearly as bad as pushing it down.
 It does not stay down ,anyway ,but "morphs'" in to all sorts of things--addictions, fear, depresision,physical illness, withdrawal from life  and much more.
  I guess  that it can only be rooted out----- little by little.
                                                                                                             Love   Ami

((((((((((Sally)))))))))))))