Yikes-My F just told me that my M is on a plane on her way down to see me

[changing]

It is just unbelievable that you would be invaded this way, without invitation or consent...the Bagworm shows up periodically in violation of our agreements ( I am trying to get Protection Orders in place of the stipulations to prevent this in future), and it is a violation of the most egregious sort. At least you got some prior warning. Does she expect you to pick her up from the airport or to stay in your home?
If you are going to see her but are having a great deal of trouble, you might absent yourself frequently, and have friends with you who understand the situation when she comes.
When my father was suffering his final illness, I tried to be as fortified as possible when I would go to help him, and took breaks when he became too tough for me to handle. I would walk down the hall, whatever I could do to clear my mind. His wife had virtually abandoned him and I just couldn’t leave him alone to fend for himself where he was. When he passed I was sad that he had been abandoned by the Stepmonster in his infirmity,  but I was comforted in that I did not reciprocate the abuse, judgment and coldness that they both heaped upon me, and had done  what I could for  him. I think that I would be tortured by it still if I had reciprocated unkindeness. Still, I was exhausted by the whole thing, and it took everything that I had to manage to keep my equilibrium and guard myself from their attacks.
Do what you can and no more- don't wait until your nerves become brittle and you start to snap! Do what you can to make things enjoyable for yourself- take a stroll, take a nap, eat what you enjoy, walk your doggies, go to the gym...mom can tag along. If you are doing what another person likes and what you don't, it makes it harder to cope when they complain IME.
Do your duty, both to your mother and yourself. You do not owe her a full disclosure of your life, thoughts and feelings. Find out the status of her health, etc.- you are the adult now. Do not expect her to change- it is not impossible, but highly improbable. Do not grant her access to your vulnerable spots.  Be kind but do not expect kindness in return- if she indeed behaves in a loving way, that will only be a bonus.
Hopefully your Aunt will be there for you, and take the edge off...

[reallyME]

I'm still sitting here waiting to hear back from Ami about how it all goes.

~Laura

[Ami]

I feel like I have been run over by a truck. The ONLY think that gets me through( when I want to give up -totally) is all of you who have gone through the same thing. I think of you Laura, being hit by your step father.I think of Changing , Bean,Bones, Kelly,all my dear friends who have to have the 'horror' of a 'blank parent". Many people here had it much  worse than I did. I "only" had emotional abuse .
 I think of Bone's N Doofus with the blank, glassy eyes stare.
Maria was here. She met my M for 5 minutes. My M seemed fine to me(great ,actually). Maria took me in to the other room and said, "Ami, I understand now, how you suffered. It is NOT your fault."
 I really don't even know exactly what she saw b/c my M was acting fine(lol). Maria saw s/thing .
 I can see the "not being there". I can see that I based my whole life,sense of self, values, hopes, and dreams on s/one who is "lost in space"--blank, broken BUT arrogant at the same time( a bad combo)-lol
  I look at myself and I am really broken. It is the truth. I am half there.
  Maria gave me a "back handed compliment". She said that if anyone met you at a party,you seem totally normal."(lol)
 Well,inside I need rehabilitation. I see it more clearly than ever. It is a shock to see how she really is--the person who I tried to take my sense of self from---bleh                                 Ami

[reallyME]

Ami,

if i asked you this before, let me know, but I'm wondering if your mother was diagnosed with any sort of disorder that you know of, or does she just have behavioral traits of N.

~Laura

[Ami]

She was not diagnosed with anything but she fits Vaknin's book like a hand in a glove,Laura.               

[Bella_French]

Dear Ami,

I am sorry you had to go through all that! It was so rude of her to turn up unannounced. I'm glad she didn't act out though- that is such a  relief! I hope you had a nice Christmas anyway!

X Bella

[Ami]

Oh dear Ami

Are you going to need a couple weeks to recoup?  When did she leave or is she leaving?  You should find out, if you don't already know.

One thing I've found is that explaining to 3-D friends who know my parents, how "bad" they really are is futile.  They see it, then deny they saw it later (now that I think about it, the same thing happens here  ).  Unless the abuse happens to them, or that person is truly empathetic, it is just unimaginable to most.  The bad memories quickly fade and you are left with insult on top of injury. 

hang in there Ami.  I know how destabilizing this feels.  It feels terrible.

bean

Dear Bean,
  I have  a stomach ache. I have SO much anger at my M and my H for violating me( my trust , love and innocence). I really could "smash' both of them.
   I am angry at myself for being so "stupid" to trust s/one above my own gut. With my M, I trusted her above my own gut. I always knew that she was a nut, but I suspended my good sense and trusted her to watch out for my well -being. Well, she used me as a way not to feel her feelings.
  I thought that my H would watch out for my well-being. He used me by putting  me in the same role as his mother--abused woman to a man  who "provides". So, I did not trust my gut on this one ,either.
  I have to forgive myself. I got derailed (lost the connection to my emotions) s/where along the way. Then,I could not find my way back to protect myself. Maybe, kids are not even equipped to "protect" themselves against a parent. By the time I married,I was too lost to know better.
  I have made mistakes on the board(too many "moaning posts'). I simply had to learn how to forgive ,myself b/c I was not able to do better at the time.
  I guess it is the same for giving away my heart and soul to abusive people. I couldn't do better at the time  or I would have. 
                                                            Ami

[reallyME]

Ami, while I'm not meaning to belittle your frustration about the past nor devalue your feelings, i really want to know what is going on NOW, in the present.

YOu said your NM is on her way to see you.  Why? Did she arrive yet?  how did THAT go?  That is what I've been waiting for the past few days to hear about, if you'll let me know, pls.

~Laura

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  Thank you for caring. Your love and concern reaches across cyberspace in to my heart--thank you. I wrote about last night with my M and my H on a new thread.
 Last night, My M owned how she treated me. She sat there while I told her what I tell you ,on the board. She "seemed" to get it. A friend warned me to be "careful, but she did seem to own a great deal.
 I will see ,today, if she tries to push me down ,again. I know that my life is about me, now. The problem, of course,is all the damage I have sustained as a D of a true NPD.
 Has she really changed and owned her part ? I am not sure. Vaknin says that it can happen, as a N 's gets older and want to make peace with a child.
 Actually, she did try to push me "down" under the water last night, but she didn't know that I had become a "good fighter' . She couldn't. Maybe, she "gave in" b/c she was beaten.My S(older) understands about N, too. She could not win,at that moment. Maybe, she is stilll the same and will be back for round two ,today.(lol)
  My goal for her visit is simple. I want to know that I am "me"---separate from her---separate from her thinking, values,POV, way of viewing herself and the world. I want to break enmeshment with her.
  I want to look at myself as "different" from her. Then,I will have taken a step toward sanity----a major one.       Love   Ami

[reallyME]

I'm not sure if it's just "me" but I'm having a problem understanding anything that really went on.  Maybe Ami and others don't choose to share the specific incidents in detail and, instead, want to just share generalities, like "she pushed me under again"  "he knocked me down"  "he didn't know he was doing such and such" but I can't follow that or get a gist of what went on when i don't hear the situations in depth.

Maybe I'm just too nosy for my own good too.  I just can't respond if I am not getting the full picture with details and incidents, sorry.

~Laura

[Ami]

You crack me up Laura!!.! I will share more details later, when I get back .         Ami

[reallyME]

one add-on to the last thing i said about not understanding some posts on here because they are too general.  This is what i mean

A general post:  

N came to me and insulted me and my ND didn't do a thing.  She thought I'd stand there and rise up to the occasion but instead I waited for her to put a stop to it all.  Next, N slapped my son and that really angered me....

vs

N came to me and called me a pig and my ND didn't do a thing.  She thought I'd stand there and fight my own battles but instead I waited for her to jump in and help.  Next, N slapped my son, for just standing there staring at her, and that really angered me, so I told her 'you need to leave."

I guess I'm asking if possible that there would be more "quotes" of what people said, more descriptions of the situations and also, if possible, more spacing between paragraphs.
It would really help me to comment more, if you'd like me to.

~Laura

[Ami]

I get it now, Laura. I guess that I felt that specifics would be "boring",but I see what you mean,now, about getting a deeper "feel "for the situation, if you have specifics. Later, you get them ALL(don't say I didn't warn you---lol)               Ami

[Certain Hope]

I am not a bit bored with specifics.

Well said Laura. Will be reading.

[Lupita]

Ami, everybody was praying for you. I have been following your thread. I was concerned when I did not see anymore.I have seen that you are posting in other threads as if nothing was happening. I do not understand. What happened?