Neglectful Silence

[Certain Hope]

.... IS Abuse... 
excerpted from  http://www.aardvarc.org/child/about/emotional.shtml

Silence is another way to emotionally neglect or abandon a child. In MY opinion, this one is the worst. By not sharing anything intimate or vulnerable with the child, or not sharing information that the child needs to grow and develop, the child is emotionally and intellectually alone without a means to get the information they need to grow and develop. Silence is another way of controlling. Information is power and when an abuser holds onto information, the child is left feeling vulnerable. The child will never know a sense of comfort by knowing that the caretaker has also felt vulnerable at times or has felt vulnerable as a child. I think this makes it hard for a child to allow themselves a vulnerability. Even as an abuser, this person is an adult who the child may feel they should grow up to be like. If it's bad for an adult to be vulnerable, it must be bad for a child to be vulnerable too, right?

These children learn how to become easy to use by becoming invisible; they become compliant and without needs, and they fear the consequences and the unknown state of being apparent, real, noticeable, with boundaries, and having needs.

[Certain Hope]

Being Hurt . . . by what is not there
Provided by Prevent Child Abuse America

~ Adapted from "Emotional Neglect: Being Hurt by What is Not There" by Jon Korfmacher, Ph.D. C 1998 Prevent Child Abuse America. 1-800-CHILDREN: www.preventchildabuse.org 


What is Emotional Neglect?


Emotional neglect happens when kids do not get the love and attention they need to feel good about themselves. Their parents will not tell them how much they are loved. Their parents will not show them affection, like hugs and kisses. Their parents will not tell them how important they are. Their parents will not say "Good job!" when they do something right.

A child who is physically neglected can be emotionally neglected. But emotional neglect can exist by itself. Children may be cared for in every other way, but not receive the love and attention they need.

Impact of Emotional Neglect

Studies that have looked at emotionally neglected children as they grow up show that these kids have many different problems. Some research has shown that emotionally neglected toddlers and preschoolers tend to be angry, refusing to follow directions, giving up easily when asked to do something and showing little joy or happiness.

Later in elementary school, research shows that neglected children tend to have a hard time making friends and paying attention in class, resulting in poor academic performance. These children tend to be angry and fight a lot.

When children show these sorts of problems, it becomes even more difficult for others to give children the warm and positive messages they need to feel better about themselves. So the problems continue and can get worse over time.

When children are emotionally neglected, it is as if a part of them dies inside. If you are a parent or another important person in a child's life, that child will look to you to help him or her feel good about himself or herself. When kids go through life without love and attention, they think they don't deserve it. They don't know how valuable they really are.


+   http://books.google.com/books?id=nr8Mrn1EHAoC&pg=PA57&lpg=PA57&dq=emotional+neglect&source=web&ots=UlZf-NvkrD&sig=DhDFus-J4RD0ydyRALRM11HGw1s#PPA64,M1

Child Neglect: Practice Issues For Health And Social Care....  book preview, especially beginning at pg. 23 (can't copy and paste)

[teartracks]

Carolyn,

I need to spend some time pondering this very interesting material.  Thank you.

tt

[alone48]

I can speak from experience. As I said before, my mother died when I was five. That left my father, a career military officer, to raise four children on his own. Quite a task I would agree, especially since I now have raised children.I often wondered why I was so afraid of him when he NEVER hit us, raised his voice, or restricted us. My only punishment was total silence if he disapproved. Could be for weeks on end and not only was it silence, it was if I didn't exsist. when I would speak he would ignore me and not even look my way. I learned early not to tick him off.

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Hope,

I thought you posted this just for me.

That is my childhood and maybe y'all can connect to what I've been saying--

When children are emotionally neglected, it is as if a part of them dies inside

For me tho' this part is not true--I can believe that a person doesn't have to fit every description of a problem---

Later in elementary school, research shows that neglected children tend to have a hard time making friends and paying attention in class, resulting in poor academic performance. These children tend to be angry and fight a lot.

Half Dead
Izzy

[Hopalong]

OMGosh, Leah.

That post is exactly what sums up my relationship with my NishMom.
Her talking at me. Lectures. Constant. Decades. Head spinning.

(Her new silence, because of great age, is such a balm.)

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dear tt,

I am still pondering it, too. All I could do last night was to copy and paste some of the material I was reading on the topic.
There is much more... re: apathy and indifference in parents and how that translates into emotional negligence/abuse.
I hope to add to this thread with more of what I've found, as possible. In the meanwhile, looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this subject
which lies at the root of my own voicelessness.Thank you, tt.

Dear Alone,

I never even realized that I was afraid of my mother until reading your post. Many other feelings would come to mind when I'd think of her,
but not fear. That one was buried so deeply... I still don't really feel it, only am aware that terror must have been what underlay all of the
elaborate mechanisms I built early on, to deal with the matter of surviving the frigid atmosphere at home.
(((((Alone)))))) I didn't exist either... and at the time, it didn't even register with me how very unnatural that was.
It wasn't even because I'd done something of which she disapproved, either. It was just because I was... and I don't remember when it began,
but I'm guessing it started the very first time I said, "no". Of course I don't remember ever saying "no", till I was a teen and even that was a matter
of survival, when I said that I wanted to quit all of these lessons in which she had me wrapped up, because I was a nervous wreck.
She drove me all around town for lessons of various sorts, but I don't recall her ever saying a word. There was no discussion when I quit, either.
Only a confirmation of the icy absence which had already became the basis of my unmothered life.

Dear Izzy,

I know. I thought of you, first. That section about poor academic performance and anger/fighting does not fit me, either, although I did have a difficult time knowing how to make friends
and never felt like I really fit or was a part of anything... any group or organization. I just became very passive.

Dear Leah,

I didn't post that other section because it didn't apply to me... but that was npd-ex's style, to a T.
I loved learning, too... and still do. Some children rebel... others turn inward, hence my lifelong addictions - to people, to alcohol and smoking...
all because I never had a parent willing to mirror the love I know that I offered. Well, my dad tried, but he undid alot of that when he'd use me as his venting
place for his frustrations re: his wife. That's how I think of her now. His wife. His problem.

More later... thank you all.

Love,
Carolyn

P.S. Hi, Hops... I recognize your mom in my own from later years.... so much. To this day, that's how she treats my kids, if she gets a chance. It's not mean lecturing, just all about her and they can't get a word in... which doesn't really matter, since she couldn't care less anyhow.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Amber,

Knowing that their expectations likely know no limits - and are never going to include any concern for your best! - I surely do understand. So sorry you're having to deal with this even from the periphery... I know that sort of contact hurts.
I have been preparing myself to make similar decisions, if and when the occasion arises. I mean, an emergency is one thing, but... when you know that other arrangements can be made and much more easily/conveniently, why be compelled to go through some vain motions? I don't know how I'll handle things, but am trying to work myself up to the point where I have some confidence in myself not being so susceptible to or driven by the expectations of others.

I'm so glad to read you, Amber... was hoping you'd return soon!
About this article... I'm thinking you meant here that it was the incessant lecturing aspect which fits your circumstance and not the silence?
Happy New Year to you!

With love,
Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Thank you, Amber... over the past months, I've been able to gain a deeper understanding of that Role through your sharing here.

I only recall one very long silence... a lifetime of it. The Silence applied whether I was fulfilling expectations or not.
I mean, I don't remember feeling more visible or appreciated or loved when I was succeeding in the Role, only less stressed... maybe.
Alot of it is still a blur, but I think that I couldn't receive or apply any value which may have been attached to me for my performance of the Role
because I knew that it was never really me.


You wrote:  "The message in the silence was that what I wanted - what I was proud of - what I cared about didn't matter."

Yes, always. Didn't matter, wasn't worthy, made me cheap and ordinary... common... irrelevant... weak.

"always pushed to do well, then like Lucy stealing Charlie Brown's football - when I did do well, So what? That's what you're supposed to do. Don't get a big head about it. Really does make one feel invisible; like you don't exist."

Yes, I know.

I think you've accomplished an enormous amount to be able to handle daily contact with your mom through her health crisis... and again, I thank you for sharing about it.
I'll remember when my time comes... for which, for some reason, I just sense I'm being prepared.

Very scary stuff, I'd say... but you sound so... adult, about all of it. So un-jarred.

 I can think and feel that way, more maturely, about most things these days - but still need plenty of practice where my parents and brother are concerned.
Sitting here just trying to imagine my mom saying that she loves me... that'd be a first. Makes me nauseous, kinda.
You're absolutely right about hard habits to break. Maybe that's why I feel so compelled to take a good, hard look at this topic of silent neglect...
as though it's the last chapter in a book which I left unexamined for a lifetime and only now am ready to complete.

Oh, I'm still a non-smoker, Amber... and still using the nicotine lozenges as a crutch. Need to set myself a deadline on those, because I *should* have put them aside nearly a month ago.
The challenges continue...

Thank you so much for writing to me here.

With love,
Carolyn

[Lupita]

In the lack of listening, I really dislike when a person ask you a question and does not care about your answer. Some to the point of abuse.

After a question, and you put excitement and thought in your answer and the person tells you, "look at that things", just anything to interrupt you.

They let piled mental excitement and cut you off. Typical.

[Certain Hope]

Oh, Amber... if I hadn't been feeling so poor physically, and then had the catalyst of my teenaged daughter's plea for me to quit, I don't know that I ever would have summoned the will to just chuck the smokes.
It was a miserable first month... okay, 2 months... during which every aspect of my life was affected, beginning with that blood pressure surge. Returning to work made all the difference for me... got me out of my head and into a new role. Smoking wasn't my only addiction... I wasn't eating, at least not much and certainly not properly. Putting myself into a new environment with new challenges seemed to re-activate a healthier appetite, so that I began to feel more like a normal human being again (a longggggg distant memory).  Now, nearly 4 months post-quit, I noticed over this holiday vacation that my blood pressure was diving down into the basement... so quit taking the meds... and it's been normal - nice and low - for the past few days, all on its own. Of course it's too soon to say whether it'll remain low without my prescriptions, but I'll continue going without and monitoring it... and hope and pray.

This is a rambling mess, but just to say - without scaring you or sounding negative - be prepared for some pretty hefty struggles when you do quit - BUT you can do it, Amber! If I can, you can... and I was not in the least bit (consciously) prepared for any of this. Heck, I was barely beginning to become conscious... lol.
Anyhow, still cheering you on over here!!

With love,
Carolyn

[Bella_French]

Silence is another way to emotionally neglect or abandon a child. In MY opinion, this one is the worst. By not sharing anything intimate or vulnerable with the child, or not sharing information that the child needs to grow and develop, the child is emotionally and intellectually alone without a means to get the information they need to grow and develop. Silence is another way of controlling. Information is power and when an abuser holds onto information, the child is left feeling vulnerable. The child will never know a sense of comfort by knowing that the caretaker has also felt vulnerable at times or has felt vulnerable as a child.

Its very interesting and thought provoking information, but I think this theory promotes emotional incest with one's children, and doesn't actually make a lot of sense. Sure, parents should not stone-wall their children. But they should not exploit them by dumping their needs for intimacy on them, or using them to fullfill loneliness or other unmet adult needs. Thats what emotional incest is all about!

Good parents are there to meet the childrens emotional and physical needs, not to use their children as surrogate spouses. I only wish more parents would understand this, and focus on getting their needs met via adults, rather than using their children. We'd have a lot less problems such as widespread mysogyny, silent-type males, and male engulfment issues.

[Bella_French]

These children learn how to become easy to use by becoming invisible; they become compliant and without needs, and they fear the consequences and the unknown state of being apparent, real, noticeable, with boundaries, and having needs.

That is the part that comes across as non-sensical to me, Shunned. A parent who is engaged in fulfilling a child's emotional needs, without burdening the child with THEIR adult needs and concerns, is not going to make a child feel invisible or stunt the child for life in the ways described above!! . Most likely they'll feel heard, valued, and a lot safer too. Emotional neglect does those things, not protecting the child from adult concerns and emotional needs.

These so call risks , to me, are way over-dramatised.


 

[Certain Hope]

These children learn how to become easy to use by becoming invisible; they become compliant and without needs, and they fear the consequences and the unknown state of being apparent, real, noticeable, with boundaries, and having needs.

That is the part that comes across as non-sensical to me, Shunned. A parent who is engaged in fulfilling a child's emotional needs, without burdening the child with THEIR adult needs and concerns, is not going to make a child feel invisible or stunt the child for life in the ways described above!! . Most likely they'll feel heard, valued, and a lot safer too. Emotional neglect does those things, not protecting the child from adult concerns and emotional needs.

These so call risks , to me, are way over-dramatised.

Hi, Bella,

It never occurred to me that the info I offered here might be interpreted as advocating excessive emotional dependence of a parent upon a child. From my perspective, I took it as encouragement for parents to share their humanity with their kids and not wear a mechanical, unemotional mask of super-human strength. When a parent/caretaker refuses to acknowledge that it is only human to fear, to doubt, to long for emotional connection with others... that is indeed destructive. I don't know any better way for an adult to accomplish this important teaching than by sharing a personal instance of fear/doubt/need which was faced and overcome. At least, I believe that's what the author was attempting to convey... in no way suggesting that an adult should turn to children for emotional relief or support. It's just like anything else, to me... I learn best by example, especially from someone whom I know has already been there and done that.

I understand you to say that you think the risks as expressed here are very over-dramatised. I can only tell you that it was this very withholding of emotional realism and sharing which kept me boxed up within my own personal shell for a lifetime, because of parents who would never admit that they'd been wrong, feared, doubted, felt shame, etc. Indeed, I learned how to become invisible... all the while feeling as though I didn't belong anywhere, because I didn't know anyone who was honest enough to admit to his/her own failings and falterings.

Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

In the lack of listening, I really dislike when a person ask you a question and does not care about your answer. Some to the point of abuse.

After a question, and you put excitement and thought in your answer and the person tells you, "look at that things", just anything to interrupt you.

They let piled mental excitement and cut you off. Typical.

Hi, Lupita,

I'm sorry, I missed your post earlier. I do know what you're saying... that's always happened to me alot, because I've been so soft-spoken and often hesitated quite a bit in my response... lots of pauses. I always just figured that people were losing patience with my slowness or quiet voice.
Aggravating though, I know... and it still happens at times, usually with folks who seem to be easily distracted, in general. Maybe it's just me, but I seem to notice alot more folks these days with symptoms of attention deficit!

Anyhow, I was posting here more about parents not acknowledging a child's emotional needs and concerns, but just ignoring them or holding silence, as though they expect the child to figure everything out for herself.

Thanks, Lupita.. and again, my apologies for taking so long to respond.

Carolyn