Another long email from my daughter--- do you see games, --or--?

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi all

I posted that she wrote me on Dec 2--cannot find post, but she wanted to know what I wanted for Xmas. She asked a few other questions. Remember I said cologne?

When there are questions in an email, I reply as soon as I can and I emailed back in a couple of days and also asked questions--like ideas forr Xmas gifts there.

No response. That's okay. I have a mindset on her now.

Then she Forwarded me a couple of thing  and when she does that I take it that she is thinking of me and I haven't written, or some other reason.

Tonite, Jan 1, I receive another nice long email from her, about all her plans for the future and how their Xmas was, (and that she didn't get out to buy my --"what was it?") (Well I knew that, by now) that she has a book for me (another) and if I don't have the book of KC's adventure she will buy it for me.

I wonder if she reads my mail. I mentioned I had read it, that KC promised me an autographed copy, but I had to buy my own, knowing about N's promises.---BUT I didn't give her my review of it. Guess it maybe didn't sink in.

Put is this way, in her words---
Well here it is, New Year's Day, and I still haven't been shopping for your Christmas present, because I can't find the email that told me what was on your wish list.  I still can't give up on the one book that I had in mind to buy you as well, because it's funny as hell.  Did you tell me that you have a copy of the Obsession already?  If not, let me buy it for you too.

That tells me that she is either very careless (??I doubt) or she is letting me know my emails are not really important, but I just Forwarded, to her, my last letter to her.

Anyway, I have to admit that I have an agenda with her: that is, to not bomard her with emails and forwards and write only if it is important, crucial, or if I'm replying to her.

Quite some time ago I posted that I had something to think whenever I think of her and that is 'She and I can exchange pleasant emails'. It works--that all I think--none of the crappy past unless I am telling it on this board. Her life was crap with the ex-N.

Any comments? but I haven't figured out if my agenda is also a game that she is controlling.

She loves her midwifery career, but is interested in a hypnotherapy course, wants to learn to weld, and has a book running around in her head-------Ha! I wonder if half my life is in there.

Thanks
Izzy

[CB123]

Oh, Iz,

I can imagine that that hurt a lot.  I know that you have made the decision to not get emotionally involved in her stuff, and you do such a good job at it.  But it's hard sometimes and I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I know that. 

I suspect that, in spite of everything, you two are still evolving in your relationship with each other.  You have done so much growing over the last year (my goodness! I have never seen anything like it!) I think there is a certain amount of "marinating" that you each need to do--you are so much more whole than you were and that takes getting used to for both of you.  Sounds like she has done some growing too.  Maybe that needs to be done with a certain amount of distance between you--but I dont think the distance will always be there. 

She sounds fascinating, Iz--midwifery, welding, hynotherapy.  I suspect she gets her fascination with life from you.  You are an amazing person and I think you have given her your strength and resiliency, in spite of the estrangement that you feel now.  You know, I finally finished healing from my relationship with my mom when I recognized her positive traits and realized that she had passed those onto me.  I had spent most of my adult life focusing on the negatives and worrying about those that I had picked up.  So much fell into place when I realized that it was a complicated package.

Izzy, you have been a constant inspiration to me on the board.  Constant.  Thank you so much for sharing with us here.

Love you,
CB

[changing]

Hi Izzy-

What a stunning photo...professional and beautiful....

I am glad that your daughter is writing...it may be that she did lose the email, and is extremely overloaded. This may also account for her hesitation, distraction, loss of focus, etc. I would wager that she may be slowly healing from PostTraumatic Stress or the like, may have some major things to deal with that she is sparing you from at the moment, and give her the benefit of the doubt. This may also explain her not sending a reply.Actually, you cannot find her post of Dec 2 to you either, so I'd call it a draw!!!!! I'm glad that it was a nice long email!

She is sharing personal things with you, including her imperfections and diverse interests and possible uncertainties. You are gently giving her the space to come closer- she is not as Izzyfied as you are, but I am afraid that few of us are ( I know that I am not, though I would love to be). Things are slowly healing between you two as well, and there may need to be time and patience shown on both parts before you are both in sync, but it is worth it! Izzy, this is good! No need to dwell on the past email, etc.- it is the people and the growing closer here that truly matters. Even if there are a few stumbles in the future (and there always are amongst any two people),one can see the steady progress!

Let her know that you are happy to have  received her thoughtful communication and New Years greetings, as I know that you are, and remind her that you would be pleased to get cologne, and wanted to know what you can get her and the grandchildren as well, and that you always love a good book (which is also true of course). I don't see any wacky agenda, though I don't know her, and she seems to be quite intelligent and spirited like her mom.

Your daughter is so fortunate to have you and you have both come so far- a happy New Year is within reach. You deserve this Izzy, and it is becoming more and more of a reality! I am very happy for you both!!!

Love From Your Friend,

Changing

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

I don't feel any games, no.

I hear a person full of bits and pieces of hopes and dreams, who is brave to share some of those unwoven threads with you.

That's a whole lot more than I'd ever write to somebody with whom I was not sincerely interested in building a relationship.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[lighter]

I think she's not as organized as you, dear Izzy.

If you sent that e mail..... it would have meant something.  I think she really can't find you Christmas e mail.

Sounds like she's a different creature than yourself.... and very interesting too: )

[Hopalong]

I don't see any games either, Izz, and I think your magnificent boundaries and patience are what have allowed this to happen. I'm really sorry she didn't get her act together about a timely gift...I think kids don't appreciate how much ritual days can mean to us.

But overall I think this is FANTASTIC. I feel so so happy reading the level of sharing.

She really is sharing her dreams with you. There's nothing more precious.

She's sharing hope with you (future), not just regret.

Oh Izz. This is so neat. YOUR discipline (about the "pleasant" boundary)
and your patient endurance have created enough space for her to think of you and contact you.

Not on time, not perfectly, but YES SHE IS DOING IT. That's huge.

Speaking as one of the world's worst thank-you-note writers and remembering-important-dates
people, let me say that it truly isn't a reflection of not valuing you. She may just be overwhelmed
and scattered. Happens to lots of nice people.

Happy New Year!
love,
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Thank CB,

Yes I made a deal with myself to never think ill of her or the past., and it is working. We are not in touch often but when we are it is pleasant.
"Marinating' what a very apt word with which I can agree.
This is the only way to go to keep it pleasant, and the past in the past.
Thank you for your wonderful comments.

thank, changing,

Yes I would call it a draw.
It is her sharing of personal things that gives me back that feeling of belonging, and the things, her ideas always amaze me, even with everything I know she can already do.
thank you for your kind comments.

hi carolyn

That's a whole lot more than I'd ever write to somebody with whom I was not sincerely interested in building a relationship.

It was when I was doing the post that I wondered to myself if one or tother was playing games . But know, just being equidistant with our mails and replies. I believe I recall her saying that she cannot keep up if someone writes right bavk.

Thank you for your comments.

You're right, lighter

she's not as organized as you,

Her housecleaning means finding the furniture, but her interests lie elsewhere, mothering and her career(s)

Thank you

and, Dear Hops

You are so right in your post, that it was my patience and discipline, about which I was impatient and undisciplined, that gave us good space to 'marinate' (Quote CB)

I feel good about the sharing and am glad to see that no one saw any games. It must be may patience and discipline, about which I was impatient and disciplined that is keeping this on track.

Thank you all, dear friends
Izzy

[Lupita]

Hi Izzy, I agree with the posts here.
And she looks very beautiful in that picture. She has very clean eyes, the look in her eyes are clear, clean. Her smile looks very pure. She looks thin and in good shape. Now a days "thin" is compliment.

[Gaining Strength]

Izzy - I'm in agreement with those above.  I am still struggling with overcoming the past 6 years of severe depression and crippling anxiety.  And though I am on the verge of "functioning" I get very confused, lose notes, addresses, phone numbers, invitations, etc.  Ask and reask people for lists, miss appointments, forget engagements etc.  And none on purpose. 

I'm celebrating the contact between the two of you and believing it is a beginning and not a source of manipulation.  Take it for good - so much could come of it. - yours - GS

[Izzy_*now*]

Thank you Lupita and GS,

I appreciate your responses, as you both are on the same page as the others and I was hopiing for 100%

Sometimes an objective opinion can really help seal the deal.

Love
Izzy

[Izzy_*now*]

I wrote to her today and noticed (again) but forgot to tell you before that when she was closing off her email to play some xbox then to bed she said:

"nightey night" That's what I always said to her from the time she was little to onwards.............

YAY! that is so nice!


Love Izzy (hopping around the room)

[lighter]

We always said that too, lol. 

it's comforting, isn't it?

[Leah]

oh, (((( Izzy ))))

That's such heartwarming news, and joyous.

Thank you for sharing.

So very uplifting and encouraging for you, truly, I am so glad for you.

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

I wrote to her today and noticed (again) but forgot to tell you before that when she was closing off her email to play some xbox then to bed she said:

"nightey night" That's what I always said to her from the time she was little to onwards.............

YAY! that is so nice!


Love Izzy (hopping around the room)

    That is an awesomely wonderful sign of connection, I'd say, Izzy, and I'm thrilled for you both!
Love it when my grown-and-far-away-daughters do that in messages to me... makes me gooshy all over 

Carolyn

[Izzy_*now*]

Gooshies to lighter, Leah and Hope.
Izzy