husband chronicles

[reallyME]

ok so, I finally told Roland that I've had enough, am taking action and I'm not bluffing.  We had a very firm discussion this morning before he left, about how I need him to step in every time Anna answers me in a snotty tone.  We talked about how he said he'd give up our marriage sooner than give up the idea of being a grandfather.  We talked about a LOT and I was very ticked off!

When he came home again, he started with calling me "honey, dear?  where are you?"  as though nothing ever happened this morning to hurt our relationship.

I told him "Look, if you want to pretend, you go right ahead, but I'm not pretending and going on like everything is alright, when it is FAR FROM IT!

His response :  "huh? what are you talllllllllllllllllllllking about?"

I said, "Roland, you and Anna have what you want...each other, so from now on, I am going to do the housework and be me; no more sex, no more secretary stuff for you.  YOu make your OWN phone calls, and do your own responsibilities, because I am DONE until you start getting a CLUE or do something differently!"

His response:  "YOUUUUUUUUUUU"RE the one with the mood disorder, not me.  I'm not the one with all the problems.  I didn't say anything."

My response at this point, was to walk away and do the dishes.

I do not believe in divorce, personally...separation, yes, however, at this point, I have a very scared 8 year old to think about.  She is very confused too, because she sees people acting crazy around her and she and I have been trying to just stay out of the way.  It's almost like there are 2 separate families in this one house.  Till Anna has the baby and eventually moves out, things are just going to be really tough for Amber and me.  Randi seems to be taking on a similar attitude like Anna, although Randi WILL back down eventually, unlike her sister.

All I know is, I'm firm in my decision.  If he wants to behave like a little boy, I'll be "mommy" but he's not having all the priviledges of mommy along with sexual favors.  It doesn't work that way and I'm not going to play "house" by those rules anymore either.

Maybe some of you will disagree STRONGLY with my stance.  I don't really care, since I'm the one having to live in this mess for now.  You are welcome to give opinions of course, but I'm not guaranteeing I will take all of them or agree.  There is so much involved here that it's just a big ball of BLECH~!

Yes, I have contacted my counselor to get going on more counseling sessions for myself and/or my husband and maybe family at some point.  I'm taking the right steps I need to take for me at this point.

Ugh what a disaster!

Positive Confession:  "God will work ALL THINGS together for my good!"

~Laura

[Gabben]

Hi Laura,

After reading your post I gather that you have a pretty good handle on this but that you just need to write it out, express it and have your side heard. What I hear is your potential guilt or fear over setting some firm limits and withdrawls with your husband as well as a need to be validated that it is OK to set those limits and be firm with him.

As I read I thought to myself, wow -- perhaps Laura's stance will cause a jolt in her husband to think a bit more - just my take.

Anyway, you are always such a strong person or at least the way I perceive you on this board. But I do think that you could use some sympathy for what your going through...it sounds tough and when I head to Catholic Mass today I will pray to God, keeping your situation in mind, along with a lot else that I am praying for and ask him to protect you and your marriage as well as to open your daughters heart to looking at herself and considering others for a change - I'm an optimist.

Peace,
Lise

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi reallyMe

Does this mean he has to cook for himself, and do his own laundry? I managed to get the N to do his own laundry, but he did the cooking mostly anyway, always throwing out the implication that I couldn't cook. I cooked a lot he just forgot he liked the meal.

I guess I am just saying, how do you work a separation while living in the same house? Roomates with children-- division of chores--??

I can agree with what you said, as it appears to have been coming, but I just see there are more details to settle and to stick to.

good Luck
Izzy

[Hermes]

I agree entirely with your stance.   Also important not to allow yourself to be drawn into any kind of verbal games with this person.  Truth to tell, and I realise you are probably not keen on the idea, but this is no life for you.  But only you can take that decision.  Perhaps you will get to the point of annoyance and frustration where the decision will come to you automatically.  For your sake I hope so.

Meantime, take care of you.
All the best
H.

[reallyME]

Gab, thank you for considering me in your prayers

Izzy, actually my 13 year old prefers to cook the meals, by her own choice.  She and i share laundry duty.  No, I'll do my "duties" but there won't be an emotional "giving" on my end anymore, as far as sexually.  I'm tired of feeling used when it suits him, and then he just pretends, right after I express my upset, that everything is totally normal.

I'm not playing the fantasy game with him and them anymore.  THey can live in their pseudo world and I'll take care of my real-life responsibilities.  If there are issues to deal with,  a proper, normal, healthy response on his end, could have been "oh gosh, honey.  I see you are upset.  I think we need to make some changes and talk about this more."  but noooooooooooo, his response was to roll his eyes, shake his head "no" repeatedly, as if to say "I don't believe this!  she is such a drama queen" and to just sit there, saying "huh? I don't understand what you mean" after i rEPEATEDLY SPELLED OUT WHAT I MEANT!

It's like someone saying "I need you to call me at 8, ok?"

Response: "huh?"

Again, "I need you to call me at 8, ok?"

Response: (stares out the window, rolling eyes, thinking oh brother)

Again, "are you LISTENING TO ME?"

Response:  "i heard you.  What you getting so upset about? calm down, dear"

Again, "so what time do I need you to call me?"

Response:  "huh? call you?  you didn't say anything about that"

Again, "Yes i did, I told you I need you to call me at 8"

Response:  "I don't understand what you're talking about"


THAT IS PRETTY MUCH EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION WITH MY HUSBAND!  The man is mentally not "all there" and after 20 years of living with this, it is EXTREMELY exhausting and irritating and yes, I just wanted someone to say "AWWWWWW POOR YOU"  you were right, and thank you to anyone who did, cause yes, I'm strong, but even a strong, healthy human, can go crazy with enough gaslighting and unhealthy sociology in their lives.

Ugh

~Laura

[Izzy_*now*]

hi back RM

I have always though of laundry as an 'initmate' thing because of underwear, and... the actual work for someone I loved, same as doing my daughter's.

Don't laugh. It is so true that I 'loved' doing Joe's laundry and I ironed his (under) T-shirts, darned his socks, folded his briefs etc. I polished his shoes, pressed his good trousers and work pants with equally even press lines.

When I turned his laundry over to the N, here, it totally fit with what I felt about him, last break with intimacy.

Just another oddity from
Izzy

[Leah]

Dear Laura,

You have just described ...  my now ex NHusband

Truly, I know exactly what your shoes feel like to wear.

Love, Leah

Dear Laura,

Any decision is yours, alone.  So, I won't say anything in that regard.

What I will share with you is that, now, after enlightenment of the facts of what they do, and don't do, my exNH knew exactly what he was doing.

In effect, how I see it now, is that he had me in his hands as a clockwork toy ....... wind me up and watch me go.

He never ever thought I would leave him, divorce him, but, eventually, that I did, which shocked him, as he knew and remembered my words before our wedding, and during my church life, my Christian walk of faith, that I did not believe in divorce, which I did not.  

So, he was shocked that his clockwork toy ......... when overwound ...... journeyed through the door.   

Love to you,

Leah

PS >>   Husband is Gaslighting, knowing, believing, that he can get away with it, as you have expressed that you do not believe in divorce.

He is responsible for his own life choices and actions, behaviour.  He has the ownership of his bevaviour.

[write]

Laura I did not believe in divorce either, since I'd promised for life, and actually remarried my ex to 'try again'...I found I had to give up in the end because my health got so bad.

Separation just dragged it all out further- although it really was the best thing to do it in stages for us.

If you do have to divorce I think G_d will understand. People around you will understand. Even my N-ex understands.

It really wasn't the best thing for me looking back to keep hanging on and hoping and waiting; the writing was always on the wall. I'm not one for regrets, but I did spend all my younger life bolstering this failing marriage, when I could have been doing other things.

What's that phrase: 'cut your losses'....

Whatever you decide- good luck.

Love
~W

[reallyME]

wow, thanks to you all.  Write and Leah, I feel not so alone now.

Izzy, I was watching the movie MERMAIDS and, on the part at the end, where Cher and Wynona Ryder were dancing around while getting ready to eat dinner, that was so ME with my girls years ago.

Roland would be at work and my little girls and I would dance and sing and be silly.  Nowadays, since they are older, it seems like there is so much "attitude" and less fun in our home.

~Laura

[Confounded]

THAT IS PRETTY MUCH EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION WITH MY HUSBAND!  The man is mentally not "all there" and after 20 years of living with this, it is EXTREMELY exhausting and irritating and yes, I just wanted someone to say "AWWWWWW POOR YOU"  you were right, and thank you to anyone who did, cause yes, I'm strong, but even a strong, healthy human, can go crazy with enough gaslighting and unhealthy sociology in their lives.

Sounds familiar...  About the "gaslighting" and "not being all there" it seems to me that he's "all there" when he wants to be, when the priorities are his.  But if it's not about him, he just can't quite pay attention.  Gaslighting is intentionally messing with the details so that the victim will think he or she is going crazy.  This is automatic behavior, focused only on himself and nobody else, which results in the victim (you) thinking that you are going crazy with completely understandable rage.

I agree with you.  There is no good reason to have sex with someone you can't stand.  His own behavior has created this situation, and this is one of the consequences.

[Bella_French]

This situation sounds SO frustrating Laura.

I have felt the way you do before, like I just wanted to completely shut down in a relationship. My boyfriend when i was 21 would habitually `shut me out' and I  felt the way you have described; its kind of what your husband's doing to you and I feel empathy for you.

 Something that worked for me was to `do' my boundaries, rather than express them. I have found that `threats' put people offside too much to do any good for a marriage. Its like declaring war; it implies they are the enemy.

What worked for me though, was acting true to my feelings of betrayal. I just stopped everything i was doing for the guy that `felt wrong' for me.  I felt betrayed and untrue to my feelings when I continued to give so much. I stopped hugging him when I felt shut out, I stopped being open and willing to communicate, because I really didn't feel like being that way, and I stopped doing all the  cooking, doing his washing, asking about his day, and all the little special things I did (there were so many!)

Very quickly, he wanted to know why!  He would come home and give me these huge hugs, whereas before he wouldn't. He would want to talk! He even cooked a meal or two for me!!!

It was an `interesting' lesson for me, as he changed his behaviour SO much. But it was just a temporary thing. After a while I felt good about him again, and he went back to shutting me out. Things never did improve and he eventually had an affair, so i left him.

But we did become very good friends after that I do still like him a lot . He had some major issues with his Dad, that I was too young to understand at 21.

So anyway, not sure if any of that helps, but like I said, `doing' boundaries rather than `stating' them is the only time I ever had any results, lol.

X bella

[reallyME]

that is GREAT advice and help to me everyone.  I feel really listened to here.

Bella, I will DO my boundaries for sure.

~Laura

[Ami]

Oh Laura,
  My heart goes out to you. We make such STUPID choices when we are young and raised by N's and our whole life rises and falls on them. It is pitiful. I understand. I do.
 My house is crazy,too.
  It is better ,now. God did not "bless" me with girls, Thank God(lol).
 I stopped at two  children for fear  God would "bless" me with a girl.
 Laura, I think that your H is stuck in a "pattern" that you cannot change ,no matter how much you want to. As you said, you need to wait until your D moves out.
  Your H will not support you,as he should, for whatever reason. However, the point is, he won't. You might as well be honest about the reality.
 You have to do what you need to do ,within the parameters of the situation.
 When she moves out,it HAS  to get better,but your H will probably never really support you "against" your D,as he should. The parents should always be on the same side(don't we wish---lol)
  I can see how my H took my S(younger) as a "wife", in a way. My S was made to feel like he had to take my H's side against me and my other S(older)
 It is just how it was. It really, hurt my S(younger) b/c he has a great love for me and his brother. It was VERY selfish of my H.
 Families can be really, really bad.
 As far as the marriage, Laura, I don't know. I wish I could offer "counsel",but having screwed up my own life(lol), I can't.  Love    Ami

[Hopalong]

(((((Laura))))))

I am so very sorry. Sending you calm strength. You already have courage.

And extra love to your young one.

I love Bella's advice.

hugs
Hops

[reallyME]

I ended my night discovering that I can watch videos on UTube.  There is an awesomely harmonious group I had never considered buying the music of, called the Katinas...oh howwwwwwww awesome!