Hi Bunny,
Whew...glad you found my use of your word flattering. I was in quite a dither over it. It's interesting cuz usually I don't think I would be so worried about making a mistake like that...it is just that here, on this board, I feel sooooooo vulnerable. I feel completely off-step and I don't like it but I think it's good cuz I am also feeling alot of stuff that I had pushed down.
What makes me different? I don't remember exactly what they said to me as a kid, but I have come away with two major beliefs. The first is that I can't trust myself...I don't see what I see, hear what I hear, know what I know or even want what I want. I don't see the world as it is or as others see it. The second is that I have some sort of special power over people and situations. As an adult I have heard...that my "words could destroy someone in minutes" and that I am a witch with powerful abilities among other things. But this also lent itself to responsibility...if something was wrong...they wanted me to fix it.
It was an obvious display of this type of thinking that really pushed me to this point of cutting off ties. The time since my kids were born, I really tried to build family ties...I still was holding on to this dream that if I tried hard enough, I could make everything work out between me and my family. It began to really take a toll on me and I was starting to pull away.
Then in January my dad called me one night complaining that his swollen legs were "weeping" to the point that pools of water were collecting on the ground. I suggested he go to the emergency room, he refused...and by now I had already learned to just let that go(plus I am 5 hours away). But he went in the next day and it turns out he was having serious complications from a heart condition he didn't tell anyone about. I know this because I called his nurse after my mom begged me to because only "I" could handle this and I was HOOKED. I was so the little girl again. Crying in the shower, really worried that this time he was going to die. Really worried that it was all on my shoulders. I called him and expressed my concern, my love, my desire to come see him. Couldn't he see that I really cared??? That he didn't need to play any games? That I would give him the love he craved? No he couldn't. The next day, when he was feeling better, he called me. What did he say? First he insulted my cousin (who I am getting close to), then he half insulted my H and then he told me that the reason his leg was infected was because of a fall he had taken at my house in 1996. This was my fault? Good Lord...he was serious. I was stunned, really stunned. I got off the phone but called later to let him know how I felt...I was a bit emotional, but I tried to stick to the facts...he told me I was "f***ing crazy" and should be put away. Later he pretended like nothing happened. Always pretending.
Mom's take on it? "Oh that's why you are so angry. Oh you know he didn't mean it. Oh, you know you don't always
perceive things correctly".
I'm done with them...done with the emotional rollercoaster, done with the diminishing, belittling and the REFUSAL to take responsiblity for anything they do. This was just the last scene, the list goes on and on.
My sisters have complained on and on to me about them. Yet they really think I'm wrong for pulling away, for not fulfilling my role in all of this. I'm very sad about this because I really want a relationship with them. I am not completely writing that off...but for now I need space from them as well.
So what does all this have to do with feeling like I shouldn't say I am "deep". I guess I still don't really know. Maybe I feel like if I do compliment myself then everyone will think that I am buying into this idea of having special powers. I don't really know. Or maybe I don't want people to give me too much responsiblity. Oh well...still not sure.
Thanks Bunny for being so insightful and asking really good questions. I spent alot of time thinking about this one

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Learning