Some thoughts and an update

[Learn]

Hi Everyone,

I want to take some time to let you all know how much you have helped me.  Those who responded to my posts and those who I have never "spoken" to.  I am reading about your lives and thoughts, and I find them very helpful and often inspiring.

I thought I would share with you how I am doing.  I did contact authorities about my father's behavior.  I don't know what will happen if anything...but I feel that I did something and it helps me to know I have tried.  I have managed to avoid almost everyone in my birth family, including my mom...but that is certainly not solving my internal turmoil.  This board has really helped me with my resolve to do these things.  I am so comforted by knowing that others are here that make similar choices in staying away from people who hurt them, even if it means they are family.  I am always so afraid that people will think I am really awful for not wanting to contact them.  

I have seen my therapist twice and I feel good about being back in that process.  Overall though, I feel pretty bad.  I had a small nervous breakdown last week.  Right before a big celebration.  Couldn't go...really felt bad...still do.  This is what I am afraid of...falling apart, letting people down.  

Cdplummer discussed pain on another thread...and I am so in awe of her ability to plow through it.  And she has 2 kids.  I am so afraid of my pain.  It sits in a room by itself.  I don't want to go in there...yet I feel like I am waiting in a corridor and that room is overflowing.

I also can't help thinking, "what the h**l is wrong with me".  I mean really...I have been doing this soul searching for a long time.  I read back in my journals from 15 years ago.  I had forgotten so much and it really brought how screwed up I was home to me.  So many crappy relationships (with men and women friends).  Therapy has helped me alot...I have a good marriage.  Yet...the pain still sits there waiting.  I have read so many self-help books, been through 3 therapists with over 6 years logged in weekly therapy.  So why am I still sitting here, depressed and afraid of this Pain?  

I asked my therapist if I had a personality disorder...you know he never really answered.   Later he said that one might feel crazy if you were the only normal person amongst crazy people.  But I am not comforted.  I am lost and unable to understand how this pain will stop from interfering in my life.  I refuse to let it become my life.  I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!!!  Maybe that is my problem, maybe I should let it become my friend.  I honestly don't know which way to go or if I even have that choice.

So here I stand, waiting for something to trigger in a therapy session that really helps me a ton.  I feel like a dope spending so much energy on myself.  I feel like a bigger dope that I just can't seem to "get it"  that I really suck at finding myself.  And this is probably one of the most important things I can do.  And I hope you all don't read this and think that I am too self indulgent.  That thought comes from my upbringing I guess.  I am realizing (again) that I was taught that my emotions were bad...and that I tend to separate them from the "good" part of me...whatever the heck that is cuz right now I can't even define that.

Please know that my thoughts are with you all...I hear all your voices and want the best for you.  I feel completely inadequate to respond most of the time and I hope you will understand.  I am struggling with all of my thoughts and feelings and am having a really hard time expressing myself (or even knowing what it is that I want to express).  

Bless you,
Learning

[Learn]

I'm sorry Cplummer...I spelled your name wrong in my post above.  

Take Care.

[Anonymous]

I asked my therapist if I had a personality disorder...you know he never really answered.   Later he said that one might feel crazy if you were the only normal person amongst crazy people.  But I am not comforted.  I am lost and unable to understand how this pain will stop from interfering in my life.  I refuse to let it become my life.  I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!!!  Maybe that is my problem, maybe I should let it become my friend.  I honestly don't know which way to go or if I even have that choice.

Learning,

First, thanks for telling the authorities about your father. You did the right thing. You may have protected some people by doing that.

You don't have a personality disorder. Sometimes therapists don't answer that question immediately when asked by a patient, because they're hoping to hear more of your thoughts on what a personality disorder is. His reply to you sounded like he does not think you have a disorder, and your family is crazy.

It might help if your therapist was titrating the pain in small doses, since you are very anxious that you'll be retraumatized. Maybe he can help you lessen the pain. I don't know if you're on medication.

There's no rule about how long it takes to get better, or to know yourself. Give yourself time. If others want to rush you, too bad, it's not their life, it's yours.

bunny

[Learn]

Hi Bunny,

Thank you for the reassurance about not having a personality disorder.  Your opinion means alot to me.  Sometimes that fear just grips me...that I really am the crazy one.

I am still real fuzzy on exactly how the therapy process is suppose to help my pain go away.  My T does move slowly and certainly does not push me in anyway.  Sometimes I wonder if he should.  I am not on medication.

I believe you are right when you say there is no rule about the time it takes to get better...I will try to be patient with myself.  I am worried that it will never happen...getting over this.  I am worried that I will be stuck with this forever...like living in the same day over and over again.  It's as if the outer world and the outer me has been moving on...but my inner core is still this little girl, scared to death.

Thanks again Bunny.  In my book, you are definetly a strong achiever.

Learning

[Portia]

Dear Learning, thank you for your post. I heard you clearly, you sound real to me. You said:

I refuse to let it become my life. I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!!! Maybe that is my problem,

Fighting the pain seems natural to me because I was ‘raised’ (ha ha, not) to be strong, coping, independent, not a cry-baby, not a weakling….all that BS. The pain hurts but it also tells me that my problems are real and true. But I agree with bunny about managing the pain and not being rushed. And being self-indulgent? Self-indulgent. What’s wrong with that. If you don’t indulge your Self, what’s the point to life? The opposite to Indulge is Deny – a bad thing. Lovely, warming, to hear from you, P
PS Just read your new post. You're not the crazy one!

[Anonymous]

Learning,
I truly feel your excrutiating pain,,"why don"t you stop pain!"  I agree, you do not have a personality disorder.  You are not crazy.  From all of the reading I've been doing on personality disorders; denial of the pathology is a common thread to the disorder.  You are only too willing to take a humble look at yourself.  Continue to see your counselor.  Take it moment by moment as much as you can.  You are right, having 2 boys is a motivation to walk through my pain.  You also deserve a happy life--for just YOU!!  Find one or two things that feel good---a walk outside, a book in the park, a facial, a nap--and repeat repeat repeat!!  soon other things will feel good too.  Talk to good friends.  Reach out to them for support.  Let them love you.  Reach out Reach out Reach Out!!!  Everyday if you need to.  I do believe there are angels out there who want to help you.  Many of them are right on this site.  We are with you.  Cplummer CSHF

[Anonymous]

I am still real fuzzy on exactly how the therapy process is suppose to help my pain go away.  My T does move slowly and certainly does not push me in anyway.  Sometimes I wonder if he should.  I am not on medication.

Hi Learning,

Therapy is a mixed bag. Therapy brings up pain. It's also supposed to make the pain better. If you're feeling much worse then the therapist needs to help you. I don't think being in constant emotional pain is required or desirable. Sometimes medications can help big-time. I couldn't function this well without antidepressants.

And thanks for the very kind words.

Bunny

[Learn]

Thank you all for your very kind and supportive posts.  I saw my therapist today and I have alot to think about.  Thank you for being here.

Learning

[October]

Hiya Learning

I have only read this post by you, so I don't know a great deal about your situation, but from this post it seems to me that you have a great deal of pain, but you are unable to locate it or define it very well, but you are afraid that it is more powerful than you are, and that at any unguarded moment it might take over and you would then lose control.

The work which you are doing with your therapist is addressing this issue, together with several others, related to your family.

I hope I have understood that right.

I had one thought while reading all of that.  Your pain is hidden away because for whatever reason you do not feel safe looking at it.  You are frightened by it.  Could you, therefore, approach it another way??

I thought perhaps you could collect lots of colours; pencils or paints or crayons; anything.  Then take your time in looking at the colours, and choosing the one which most closely looks to you to mean safe and in control and happy.  Then draw a box that colour on a piece of paper.  That box is a safe container.  Nothing inside that box can get out.

Then try to think what colour your pain is; nothing else, not the shape or the form, but only the colour.  Then find a pencil or crayon which is most like that colour and draw or colour inside the box.  If it feels scarey, then go back to the safe colour.  This is not to define the pain, but to enable you to look at it in safety, using imagery or metaphor.  If you can find a shape, then fine.  If not, then just a scribble or anything would do.  Don't try to rush and find out a form.  Just a colour.  If you find yourself trying to draw something, then change hands so that you don't get tempted to do that.  I don't want you to get scared.

It is a way of looking at something that at present you are not able to allow yourself to look at.  Like peeping from behind the settee at a scarey programme when you were small.  If you just peep a bit, like through your fingers, it is easier.

You might also find something in the safe colour to use as a talisman to help you feel grounded when you start to feel scared, or when you have a difficult event to go to.

I hope this does not seem totally stupid.  I think sometimes words are one way in to our fears, but sometimes the words have too many blocks in the way, and maybe pictures or even just pure colour can help us get through and past the blocks.  

Anyway, just a thought.  Take care.

C

[Learning]

Hi All-

Thank you to Bunny, Portia, CSHF and October for your replies.  

October, I did take your advice to heart and tried using colors to get in touch with my pain.  I did it the very next day after I read your post.  It did give me some insight on something and I enjoyed the experience of trying that.  Thanks for your help.

I've been sort of living in a dull depression...still feeling pretty stuck.  In a previous post I had mentioned that I felt like when I was with people I was outgoing but shallow.  I would like to talk more about that.  Right now my life consists of spending my time 24/7 with my kids.  I love it and it is trying, rewarding, exhausting, joyful, tedious and yet wonderful.  That is what it is like.  It is so many great things yet has so many challenges.  My biggest challenge is that inside I am a ball of emotions just ready to explode.  Most of them aren't exactly pretty.  Lots of anger, shame, sadness...I think you get it.  Yet, I am with my kids (who don't and shouldn't have to understand all this at the tender ages of 2 and 4) and I am constantly going to playdates, dance classes, the park, Sunday school...I am interacting with other parents and kids all the time.  So what do I talk about with them?  Well you can bet it isn't about how I am feeling.  No I suppress it constantly.  We talk about the kids, their lives cuz I can't manage to talk about mine right now without crying.  I choose not to walk around with how I feel exposed to the world.  If I did I would be sullen and angry and the rest of the world really doesn't need that.  It isn't their fault.  That is why I feel shallow and unfullfilled in my relationships.  Recently I have decided to start telling people that I am working on "healing old wounds".  I feel I need to give some explanation as to why I am cancelling out of so many activities.  I just can't do it.  I just can't put the smile on my face most of the time lately.  So does that mean I am becoming less shallow?  Maybe.  But here is the deal, I see my shallowness as a coping mechanism.  And I don't consider this shallowness as hurting others except that I am not letting people really get to know me.  And yep I don't really want most people to know me...I am so programmed of how bad I am that I am sure everyone will see it if I let them in.  I don't need anyone else telling me how bad I am...I have the tape recorder running in my head every minute of the day.

Of course all of these feelings and behaviors extend to the board.  This board is anonymous but it stops being so once you post.  Everyone has a personality here and you all become very real to me.  So all the same feeling are brought out here just like out in the world.  I am trying to not write here unless I am diving into these hard to handle feelings so that I am not just coping.  So that I am actually feeling and reacting from my feelings.

Somebody (the newbie from the other post) really helped me out with that.  She could be my mother...just different circumstances.  I lost sleep over her story, her attitudes.  Riduculous.  I try to feel empathy for her, for my mother, my father.  And I guess I do...but the anger is strong.  She awoke me out of my depression if only for a short time.  I am so happy the board handled her the way you did.  Too bad we can't reach her kids, let them know that there are lots of people on their side.  Maybe they already know cuz of their auntie.

That is an issue I have been wrestling with.  Why didn't anyone ever help me?  I was just a kid...their were signs...of course their were signs.  NOONE ever helped...NOONE ever even offered words that indicated maybe they understood what I was going through and that it wasn't fair to me.  Just kill me...that is how I felt as a child.  One day when I was 10 I was hanging from the monkey bars and I let go...I don't know why...it was more like why not?  I hit my head and my lights went out.  But they really didn't go out...I was unconcious but there in my dream were the most loving people I had ever met.  The accepting me unconditionally and I felt so happy, I felt like I was at home.  Then I woke up and I was back to my awful life.  I brushed myself off and walked home...my eyesight was affected by the fall and I saw black spots everywhere.  I told Grandma what had happened.  No hug, no compassion.  Just the mechanics.  Don't fall asleep.  Call mom to come home from work.  Go to the doctor.  I guess they did that...take me to the doctor.  But boy did I miss the angels from my other "state".  

Wow, I sure can ramble.  Maybe I should start my own ramble thread     At this point I have lost what I wanted to say.  Thanks for listening.

Love to all of you.
Learning

[Anonymous]

Learning,

Putting on the mask doesn't make you shallow. It's not shallowness at all. It's a survival mechanism that you need! I wouldn't take it off unless I was around safe people, who would not reenact what my original family did. You don't know yet who will reenact it. Also, if you take off the mask, you may trigger other adults' childhood stuff. That is like opening a Pandora's box.

It sucks that no one was there for you as a child - I can relate! - but you are now taking care of your inner child by having compassion for your own children. That's fantastic. It also might bring up your own stuff. Being around children has that effect.

My feedback is to decline some of the activities, take time for yourself to grieve, keep seeing your therapist. It's okay if you don't let people know everything about you yet. That takes time and healing. I don't know if your therapist has brought up the idea of antidepressants. They don't "cure" the depression but they take the edge off of it.

hugs,
bunny

[Cj]

Hi Learning.

I relate to your post, as well as the confusion. I have been in therapy for two and a half years, and on only one or two occassions have actually cried. As for pain, its still blocked. I have had somatic (?) crap for years and years, and see this as part of me blocking my feelings, yet I cant seem to STOP. Running away and running away, and I sometimes think its going to kill me. All this energy suppressed. I've already convinced my self I'm going to die of an illness. After all, it has to go somewhere. I feel so numb, and its so hard to break the ice so to speak, and *feel*, even though I'm making tiny progress, which is *shrugs shoulders* something I guess. I feel the need to cry a lot, yeh my tears are blocked and stunted. My life is passing day by day, and I find it hard to even care (yet care that I don't care:S)
I too sometimes think I will never get better. I also feel 'self indulgent', and like my problems aren't even worthy of the board, or I am in the wrong place (more self hated/sabotage/people hate me etc). Again, I think it's a lot to do with my upbringing, and my feelings not being that important. Hell, I dunno.

Good luck, and stick around:).

Hi Everyone,

I want to take some time to let you all know how much you have helped me.  Those who responded to my posts and those who I have never "spoken" to.  I am reading about your lives and thoughts, and I find them very helpful and often inspiring.

I thought I would share with you how I am doing.  I did contact authorities about my father's behavior.  I don't know what will happen if anything...but I feel that I did something and it helps me to know I have tried.  I have managed to avoid almost everyone in my birth family, including my mom...but that is certainly not solving my internal turmoil.  This board has really helped me with my resolve to do these things.  I am so comforted by knowing that others are here that make similar choices in staying away from people who hurt them, even if it means they are family.  I am always so afraid that people will think I am really awful for not wanting to contact them.  

I have seen my therapist twice and I feel good about being back in that process.  Overall though, I feel pretty bad.  I had a small nervous breakdown last week.  Right before a big celebration.  Couldn't go...really felt bad...still do.  This is what I am afraid of...falling apart, letting people down.  

Cdplummer discussed pain on another thread...and I am so in awe of her ability to plow through it.  And she has 2 kids.  I am so afraid of my pain.  It sits in a room by itself.  I don't want to go in there...yet I feel like I am waiting in a corridor and that room is overflowing.

I also can't help thinking, "what the h**l is wrong with me".  I mean really...I have been doing this soul searching for a long time.  I read back in my journals from 15 years ago.  I had forgotten so much and it really brought how screwed up I was home to me.  So many crappy relationships (with men and women friends).  Therapy has helped me alot...I have a good marriage.  Yet...the pain still sits there waiting.  I have read so many self-help books, been through 3 therapists with over 6 years logged in weekly therapy.  So why am I still sitting here, depressed and afraid of this Pain?  

I asked my therapist if I had a personality disorder...you know he never really answered.   Later he said that one might feel crazy if you were the only normal person amongst crazy people.  But I am not comforted.  I am lost and unable to understand how this pain will stop from interfering in my life.  I refuse to let it become my life.  I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!!!  Maybe that is my problem, maybe I should let it become my friend.  I honestly don't know which way to go or if I even have that choice.

So here I stand, waiting for something to trigger in a therapy session that really helps me a ton.  I feel like a dope spending so much energy on myself.  I feel like a bigger dope that I just can't seem to "get it"  that I really suck at finding myself.  And this is probably one of the most important things I can do.  And I hope you all don't read this and think that I am too self indulgent.  That thought comes from my upbringing I guess.  I am realizing (again) that I was taught that my emotions were bad...and that I tend to separate them from the "good" part of me...whatever the heck that is cuz right now I can't even define that.

Please know that my thoughts are with you all...I hear all your voices and want the best for you.  I feel completely inadequate to respond most of the time and I hope you will understand.  I am struggling with all of my thoughts and feelings and am having a really hard time expressing myself (or even knowing what it is that I want to express).  

Bless you,
Learning

[gardener]

Hi CJ
Your Pressure cooker pain is so familiar, I have been through some pretty bad times and being brought up to not use my voice much, I learned the technique of 'stuffing' the pain. I've struggled with panic attacks and so on and have huge difficulty with going out to social things. I did get to one stage in my life where things became too much for me to stuff behind my placid face and I realised that I didn't have to cry in pain and fear....which is a giving in to the pain. Instead I cried in release and acceptance. Gradually I found the pain lessened. It was rather like clearing out this cupboard that had been so packed with junk (pain and putting up with things) that the doors came away (feelings of breaking down). I'm still facing up to some of the pain, but as I move through the junk in my own time I am seeing things from a different perspective. I have found that writing down my feelings has actually given me a voice that I couldn't find otherwise. I speak much clearer on paper, in speech I find I'm correcting myself in my head before I can talk. (practice runs) I'm usually thinking about how my words will be taken by others, when speaking.
Maybe you could try a Journal again, write to yourself about how you feel, then listen back to your words.
 Wishing you peace and release.... (Not trying to rhyme here)
Ps.
An author I found hugely helpful in my dark moments is Dorothy Rowe.
Her books 'Breaking the bonds' and others have helped me in many ways.

[gardener]

Whoops! and Learning too, Sorry I'm new to this still. I just wish everybody here finds healing. Forgive me if I get muddled from time to time... I've just been run ragged for two days running by my 16 mth old grandson and my brain is in a foggy place

[Learning]

Wow...so much to think about, so much to learn.  I guess I was on target with my name although lately it seems a little impersonal.

Hi Bunny,

I felt your hugs big time.  Thank you!  

I'm working on grasping the difference between putting on a mask and being shallow.  I talked it over with H and he said that I am really a deep pool but that I only let people swim in the shallow end.   I feel that is right but there is this strong urge to deny it cuz I don't feel I have the right to hold such a high opinion of myself.

My T also said that being with my kids could be triggering feelings about my childhood.  That seems right.  Your idea that showing my children compassion is in turn taking care of my inner child...wow...that struck me as just beautiful.  Very wise and very hopeful.  I have never thought of it that way before.   I hope to carry that with me always.

I guess I need to fess up on the drugs thing.  I am scared to death of drugs.  Specifically, I guess, drugs that effect the mind.  I have tried a few (prescription and non-prescription) and I just haven't had good experiences.  So I guess I am not real open to the idea of anti-depressants...I don't know what that says about me...but there it is.

Bunny, I am sorry that noone was there for you as a child either.  I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug.  I think I will use Portia and CG's method ((((((((((Bunny))))))))))).

with love,
Learning