Hi All-
Thank you to Bunny, Portia, CSHF and October for your replies.
October, I did take your advice to heart and tried using colors to get in touch with my pain. I did it the very next day after I read your post. It did give me some insight on something and I enjoyed the experience of trying that. Thanks for your help.
I've been sort of living in a dull depression...still feeling pretty stuck. In a previous post I had mentioned that I felt like when I was with people I was outgoing but shallow. I would like to talk more about that. Right now my life consists of spending my time 24/7 with my kids. I love it and it is trying, rewarding, exhausting, joyful, tedious and yet wonderful. That is what it is like. It is so many great things yet has so many challenges. My biggest challenge is that inside I am a ball of emotions just ready to explode. Most of them aren't exactly pretty. Lots of anger, shame, sadness...I think you get it. Yet, I am with my kids (who don't and shouldn't have to understand all this at the tender ages of 2 and 4) and I am constantly going to playdates, dance classes, the park, Sunday school...I am interacting with other parents and kids all the time. So what do I talk about with them? Well you can bet it isn't about how I am feeling. No I suppress it constantly. We talk about the kids, their lives cuz I can't manage to talk about mine right now without crying. I choose not to walk around with how I feel exposed to the world. If I did I would be sullen and angry and the rest of the world really doesn't need that. It isn't their fault. That is why I feel shallow and unfullfilled in my relationships. Recently I have decided to start telling people that I am working on "healing old wounds". I feel I need to give some explanation as to why I am cancelling out of so many activities. I just can't do it. I just can't put the smile on my face most of the time lately. So does that mean I am becoming less shallow? Maybe. But here is the deal, I see my shallowness as a coping mechanism. And I don't consider this shallowness as hurting others except that I am not letting people really get to know me. And yep I don't really want most people to know me...I am so programmed of how bad I am that I am sure everyone will see it if I let them in. I don't need anyone else telling me how bad I am...I have the tape recorder running in my head every minute of the day.
Of course all of these feelings and behaviors extend to the board. This board is anonymous but it stops being so once you post. Everyone has a personality here and you all become very real to me. So all the same feeling are brought out here just like out in the world. I am trying to not write here unless I am diving into these hard to handle feelings so that I am not just coping. So that I am actually feeling and reacting from my feelings.
Somebody (the newbie from the other post) really helped me out with that. She could be my mother...just different circumstances. I lost sleep over her story, her attitudes. Riduculous. I try to feel empathy for her, for my mother, my father. And I guess I do...but the anger is strong. She awoke me out of my depression if only for a short time. I am so happy the board handled her the way you did. Too bad we can't reach her kids, let them know that there are lots of people on their side. Maybe they already know cuz of their auntie.
That is an issue I have been wrestling with. Why didn't anyone ever help me? I was just a kid...their were signs...of course their were signs. NOONE ever helped...NOONE ever even offered words that indicated maybe they understood what I was going through and that it wasn't fair to me. Just kill me...that is how I felt as a child. One day when I was 10 I was hanging from the monkey bars and I let go...I don't know why...it was more like why not? I hit my head and my lights went out. But they really didn't go out...I was unconcious but there in my dream were the most loving people I had ever met. The accepting me unconditionally and I felt so happy, I felt like I was at home. Then I woke up and I was back to my awful life. I brushed myself off and walked home...my eyesight was affected by the fall and I saw black spots everywhere. I told Grandma what had happened. No hug, no compassion. Just the mechanics. Don't fall asleep. Call mom to come home from work. Go to the doctor. I guess they did that...take me to the doctor. But boy did I miss the angels from my other "state".
Wow, I sure can ramble. Maybe I should start my own ramble thread

At this point I have lost what I wanted to say. Thanks for listening.
Love to all of you.
Learning