Hi
Lollie,
This may be a roundabout way to explain my story, but it seems to me the right way tonight. (And my belly button seems awfully interesting ) Thank you, that made me chuckle lots.
Resonate with what you have shared regarding feeling a desire to fix other people. The root of which, stemmed from my childhood, whereby, as the firstborn, it was my responsibility to do so much in the home, in my role of 'Maude the Mule.'
When learning and enlightenment came, with validation, of how my life had been invested in their lives, which would be in one mess or another etc., i.e. my N FOO and added to which having to be the right arm for my now exNH ...... in truth, I never had a life.
....... and then being DISMISSED ~ DISCARDED ~ DUMPED
serves to make one feel completely NULLIFIED as a person.
Anyway, as I have posted before, I have dealt with depression for most of my life. Last year, as I was making progress and meeting with success in my life both personally and professionally, my depression really felt as if it were melting away. That's when I had a panic attack. Right out of the blue. I was upset and angry with myself for being out of control. I also felt bewildered. I never, ever had issues with anxiety. I was always the strong one, the capable one, the person people relied on during times of stress and chaos to fix things and make it all better. Now I felt weak, vulnerable, helpless...as if a piano was about to drop on my head at any time.Oh, Lollie, truly, really do understand what you are saying, sharing, as when my life collapsed and fell apart, what struck me was that good old 'Maude' had become lost in confusion. 'Maude' had lost her Self. Honestly, it was awful, staking stock and asking the question "Whatever happened to Maude?" "Where did Maude go?"
"Where did I go?" In my numbness and fog.
Of course, it was sometime before I was told of PTSD and it's effects. Recently, I have recalled how the PTSD did actually for a short time afterward, come and go, like waves on a shore. That part also surprised me.
But, coming out of that PTSD Fogginess was like been born afresh in a sense.
Though there was so much work to do in finding me, as a person, the real whole healthy balanced person.
'Maude' has gone, and now, Leah is lives and is living a new life ahead filled with hope, peace, promise and joy.
Maybe,
Lollie, what you have felt with the piano experience, is maybe what I felt, with the waves on the shore, washing back at me, and taking me by surprise.
My need to be a caretaker and fixer runs very, very deep. But I have developed at least an ability to step back and ask myself why I feel the need to fix someone before I rush in and actually do it. I have to step back and ask myself is this really about helping, or is it really about me? It's hard work, but I think it's critical if you want to be authentic with yourself and with the people you love.So very true
Lollie. Really, in essence, one needs to remember to ask "for whose benefit?" "to the good for whom?" I think.
Personally, my real hope is that my new found ability to stand back from my feelings and emotions, in standing aside, will help me to stand and see, with discernment, while being true to myself. That is my real hope for my new life, along the pathway ahead.
Thank you so much for sharing of your precious life journey.
There is no instant fix available, unfortunately! Life's journey may not be an easy one, but, worth persevering with along the way!
Warm thoughts and good wishes,
Love, Leah
