Leah, Hermes, Ami, Axa, Certain Hope, and Lighter:
Thank you so much for weighing in on my post about compassion. I so appreciated your thoughts and kind wishes. So much of what you said really hit home with me.
I still wonder how it is that you can grow up in the same house with siblings and some of you come out with absolutely no compassion and one of you is the opposite. Sometimes I truly wish I was more like them. Not the NPD. I would never, ever want to be N....but sometimes I do wish I wasn't the type who cared so much about others, who didn't "feel" so much. I do realize that in my dysfunctional family, I am the only one who puts others first. Even in the case of my "healthy" brother, he doesn't put others first.
I'm beginning to realize that being raised in an N family has affected him as well. I really thought he was the one person in my life who would be there for me, who could listen and empathize. But I was wrong. Intellectually, I always knew I could never count on my Nmom and co-D dad, but I guess I always thought it would be different with my brother. I thought if I got sick or needed help, he would be there for me. But judging by his behavior regarding his sick mother-in-law, I know that's not true. He's not like the Ns in my family by any means. He is a good person. But still he only helps with the things he wants to help with. The bottom line is that it all leaves me alone. I can't help feeling really sad, hopeless and resentful about that.
I especially identified with what Axa said. I think she was right. Those who suffer more pain tend to be more empathic. I certainly have suffered the most in my life. Never a drop of empathy about any of it from my family. They have never gone through anything like I have. Maybe that results in their not being capable of understanding or being empathic. My Nsister, who is a vicious N by the way, is extremely successful and has all the material things. She's always had help along the way from my parents. My "healthy" brother is the type Axa referred to as having to "do, do do" all the time. Even his wife begs him to slow down and rest and relax. But he'd rather mow a neighbor's lawn, run errands, clean out the gutter than spending time with me or just relaxing. Moreover, he has an air of superiority about it. He thinks others who don't do all the time are less than, unproductive or not doing what they should. I think he has shut down emotionally and definitely has that "just get on with it" attitude. He doesn't like to deal with my "feelings", just actions. Oddly, he seems in tune with his daughter's feelings, he's cognizant of those. But he is so uncompassionate in other ways. It really breaks my heart. No one in my family expresses any compassion or empathy at all. Everything is so black and white. It adds to my feelings of failure. I don't understand how people can be so selfish, so unaffected by the feelings of others.
I've always been a really good listener. I would spend hours listening to a co-worker who made very bad choices in her personal life. I would offer her advice. But when she didn't take it, I didn't throw up my hands and turn my back on her. I didn't because I cared about her and understood. But I never got that back in return from anyone. My family, including my brother, is of the mindset, "I tell you what you should do. When you don't do it, I have to accept it. If you don't want to change, then forget it." Their attitude is always one of, just do it. They have no capacity to understand that not everyone has the capability of getting there. Just like not all depressives get better by taking meds. But they refuse to understand that. Just like my brother's mother-in-law. She hasnt been taking her PRozac like she should. So, naturally, my brother assumes that is her problem. If she just took her prozac, then she wouldn't be depressed. He fails to take into consideration all the emotional things that has caused her depression like all her medical problems and losing her husband. It makes me crazy.
I so wish there was something I can do, but I know I can't. I can't force others to care about me when they don't. Like I said, in some ways, I wish I was more like them, then I wouldn't always be hurt and disappointed. I wonder if you can learn to be like that? I wonder if it would be better? It just seems like those people in this world end up getting, getting, getting and face no consequences.
I know someone here said "what goes around, comes around," but that hasn't been my experience. I wish it were so.
I am trying to get out of my situation. I went on yet another job interview yesterday......but no luck so far. I've never gotten any good luck. But I do keep persevering, keep on trying. In the end, I have to come to terms to being alone, really alone. There is no one I can count on. I think this discovery, especially with my brother whom I truly believed was the one person who cared about me, really shocked and hurt me.
Thank you again for posting and sharing. I'm so sorry for this rant again. It's been a tough week. A very sobering week. A sad week. So thank you for posting.
