I wanted to write about an issue today that I find extremely frustrating---that is, a lack of compassion and empathy in people. It leads me to wonder whether some people are truly not wired for being compassionate. Could it be an inherited trait? Is it learned? Are females compassionate in ways that males simply are not capable of being?
As I've said before, I'm clinically depressed and have not been helped by therapy and meds. At times, the depression has been so deep that I could not function---could not get out of bed, could not stop crying, could not engage in the world in any real manner. At all times, I've felt a deep, deep sadness and hopelessness. This depression has affected all areas of my life. But, as much as I've tried to get my Nfamily members and others to understand, they simply do not. They see things in black and white. Do what the doctors say, take your meds, etc, and all will be fine. When things aren't fine, when you don't agree with everything they say or want you to do, they throw up their hands and give up. Their way or the highway.
Tonight I came across another example that truly, truly saddens me. My brother, the "healthy" one in the family, came by to borrow some items. During his visit, he discussed his mother-in-law who has gone through a horrible time lately. Four months ago, she suffered a heart attack followed by a stroke. She has serious diabetes and as a result of all her medical problems, lost sight in her eyes due to the diabetes. She had to have laser surgery on both eyes. Now the doctors tell her there's a problem with one of her valves and there's also a possibility her cancer has returned. She is very weak and depressed. She lost her husband less than two years ago. The doctors tell her she has to change her lifestyle completely, eat several times a day which she is not used to, and take injections and lots of meds on a strict schedule every day. All in all, it's a lot to deal with at once. At the moment, she's not being a very good patient and is having difficulty following the regimen.
I was disgusted to hear my brother talk about this. His sister-in-laws have no patience and are of the mind that either their mom go along or they just give up on her. My brother agrees maintaining that the worst thing in the world would be if she got worse and had to be depedent on them. He said, "I don't mean to be selfish, but that would just be horrendous. She could live a long time and that's not living at all." I just couldn't believe the total lack of compassion and empathy. Instead of recognizing all that she has gone through and encouraging and supporting her to do what she has to do, they have adopted this, "Well, I tried. She won't do as I say so forget it. If she won't change, then nothing I can do."
My Nmother was present and of course agreed. She thinks all you have to do is pop your pills and listen to whatever a doctor tells you and all is well. That's the way they have always treated me. Never a moment when they would just try to put themselves in my shoes. My brother has been lucky in his life and has never had to deal with any real negative life experiences. Maybe that's the reason. But still, I find it incomprehensible that they should have no patience or no compassion for someone who is obviously suffering so much.
So, my question is...how is it that some people can be so empathetic and compassionate towards people and others literally are not capable of it? Is it a learned behavior? Are we compassionate because we have endured so much and can put ourselves in another's shoes? Is it a male/female thing?
Ugghhh! I find it so exasperating. I've tried and tried to explain to my brother how it "feels" to go through these situations. Of course, everyone knows you should do what the doctors say in order to get well. But he refuses to deal with or acknowledge the emotional difficulties in making all the changes....Is there any way to make someone else "see" the need for compassion and empathy?
I can't really explain why, but this lack of compassion from my family, especially my brother, really, really hurts me. Everything in their world is so black and white, so rosy. But heartache and pain and disappointment and illness are not always black and white. It hurts. There's no timetable for making it better.
I would really appreciate any input on this issue. I feel like screaming right now...and crying. Where is the compassion in the world?
