Called my mom's bluff

[Overcomer]

I did something that I am so proud of.

We are planning a reception for my d and her new h.  During the wedding planning (three days) I called my mom and told her I hadn't had time to budget for the wedding and that the expenses were frightening me.  She said "do not rain on these kids' parade and afterall, YOU did not have a budget on your wedding."  (My wedding was over the top huge - the best of everything.  But my mom is a wealthy N and it really was all about her.  I didn't get to have anything I wanted.  It was all about her.  In fact, when I emailed one of my bridesmaids and told her about my d's quickie small wedding, she asked me how my mom handled not having a huge spectacle!!)

So I called my mom and asked her if her statement about not raining on their parade and no budget meant that she planned on paying for my d's reception and she said (snottily,) "no, she's your d not mine." 

So I said, "fine, now that I know I can plan a very inexpensive reception."  I hung up.  I was a bit furious because she does things like this quite often.  Like tries to force me into debt by giving me these edicts to not rain and no budget.  But meanwhile, she told me that my h and I needed to attend a financial seminar at church so we could manage our budget better....."

At first I asked her to be a part of the planning luncheon but after her - she's your daughter not mine - comment, I uninvited her.

Well, she called a half hour later and said, "well, I will help out, I just won't foot the whole bill....."  How much, mom?  She is so vague.  Never EVER a concrete ANYTHING.  I need to budget.  Is your contribution going to be $1000.....$500....$2000?

  Anyway....I think she called back not because she felt guilty but because she is afraid I am going to plan a very simple, inexpensive reception and that is not what SHE wants to make herself look good.

She is crazymaking......can someone identify what this behavior is?

Says one thing one day and then contradicts herself another?????  Talks out of both sides of her mouth???

[Ami]

Oh Kelly
  I am sorry. I have a prediction. She will end up paying for ALL  of it and it will be 'fancy"--befitting her. I could guess at all the previous moves and have my prediction of the future. Let me know,Kelly.
  I am sorry that an N ruins everything,Kelly.               Love    Ami

((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))

[Hermes]

Hello Overcomer:

You did well in that particular round, I think.  Of course, one can never "win" with the N.  Reminds me of the ex-N.  That is how they are, Overcomer, and all you can do is take it in your stride.  They NEVER think before they speak, hence the short answer you received.  That is par for the course, believe me.

I think Ami is right.  Your M will want eventually to pay for the whole thing. However it does seem rather a pity (and I say this not knowing your circumstances) that you have to ask her at all to contribute anything. 

All the best and good luck with the planning
Hermes

[SilverLining]

She is crazymaking......can someone identify what this behavior is?

Says one thing one day and then contradicts herself another?????  Talks out of both sides of her mouth???

I've noticed N's often do anything to be in opposition to others, even if it means contradicting themselves in the process.  My father can contradict himself in a matter of a few sentences.  The essence of the interaction for them is the opposition, facts and consistency are not a concern.   

[Overcomer]

She says what serves her purposes at the time-but denies she ever said the first thing.  My mantra when she is around is DENY DENY DENY.  I do not know if she even grasps my sarcasm.  I never said that.  Deny deny deny!  Damned if you do damned he you don't syndrome!

[Ami]

It reminds me of Bill Clinton . Sorry for the humor in an exasperating situation with "pulling out hair" proportions. My heart goes out to you, Kelly.Keep talking about it. That will help, I think.          Love you,   Ami

[Overcomer]

Everything about my mom is crazymaking.  I am about on the verge of tears?  Why?  Because this woman is so stupid.  One of our former employees is starting a business just like ours and I am sure his goal is to make my mom suffer.  Do you think my mom will do what I say and retire?  Oh, no, she will continue to do things as she has for 14 years.....we will fail.  She is stupid.  But the tears are that she will not listen.  She will not acknowledge that ANYONE and especially me might be right.

She is a bitch!!!  excuse my french!

[Hermes]

Dear Overcomer:

Well, you know that the N is ALWAYS right.  I am surprised that you are so surprised.  You can expect nothing from such people, except aggravation.  Look at how upset you are.  Is this good?  Can you keep it up?

Wishing you strength.
Hermes

[Overcomer]

Oh every once in awhile my frustration rears its ugly head.  We try to stay out of each others hair but the wedding has thrown us together.  I would just as soon back off and have her plan the reception but because she put it back in my lap after I insulted her by telling her she needs to retire.  I just have lived so long where her money trumps everything I can do.

[Hermes]

A very great pity, Overcomer.....

Best to you
Hermes

[Iphi]

She is crazymaking......can someone identify what this behavior is?

Says one thing one day and then contradicts herself another?????  Talks out of both sides of her mouth???

Ooh ooh call on me! I can identify it!  Even though she contradicts herself and talks out of both sides of her mouth - every single thing she does has one steady thing running through it - You are wrong.  Yep.  If you have a big reception, or a small one, or go to the financial seminar or don't go - remember her point is - you are wrong or messing up in some way or another.  There is no action you can take that will make you right, because she will just change the game.   If she is going to contribute make sure to get the money up front.  It would be like my dad to pledge money but not come through.  He would say I displeased him in some way and so he couldn't give the money after all.  Lucy and Charlie and the football.  However, I am being too harsh on him in some regards because he did help me pay for 30% of my wedding and did pay for the rehearsal dinner.  But damn was I scared he would not come through.  

Anyway, keep your eye on the ball as she moves it all around and tries to distract you and fool you - no matter what the contradiction or change of plans - it's all about her keeping the upper hand and she'll say anything.  Consistency, negotiations, accuracy, the truth, mutal agreement - that is NOT what is going on here and never will be.  Your best bet is if she thinks the reception reflects on her, like your wedding did.  

If you say chocolate, she will say vanilla.  And if you say vanilla, she will say chocolate.  If you say chocolate and vanilla, she will say you eat too much.  If you say thanks but no chocolate or vanilla for me, she will say - what's the matter with you, live a little, you cheapskate killjoy puritan.  And if you say chocolate and vanilla are your favorite flavors she will say only losers like those flavors and the in-crowd knows that the best people eat (insert flavor you hate most).

[Gaining Strength]

But the tears are that she will not listen.

Overcomer - She does not listen but you do not hear.

She has "said" the same thing over and over and done the same behavior over and over and yet you expect a different outcome.  What about this do you not get?

I so wish you could step back and achieve some objectivity.  You so want her to change - but she is not able.  We do see how manipulative she is and that she sabotages you over and over.  But you are looking to her to make the change when in truth the only hope for change is up to you.  Unfortunately the change you must make is not the one you want.  You want her to be a loving and generous mother.  That will never happen and until you can accept the consequences of that reality you will continue to be susceptible to her manipulations and power plays.

At least learn how to use her manipulations to your advantage. 

She wants to look good and she intends to destroy or sabotage you on the way.  Okay, let her look good but step out of the line of fire.  She wants to have a nice reception?  Plan one - but get her check up front - before you make the plans.  Otherwise she will let you plan and then leave you will some of the bills beyond your means.  she cannot help it.  It is now a part of her nature.  Be wise and don't fall for her ploy.  Let her fund the reception or what ever portions she wants to and then give her the credit, loudly and visibly.  Why not?  It can be palatable only if it is to further you design rather than as a means of her power over you.  But she needs to think she is doing this as a power play.  Let her think that - and take control.

[Overcomer]

Yes yes yes.  Although I am part thinking she is ever inimitm be a loving mother.  Sometimes I am forced into a corner-I needed clarity on everything she says so I sent her a rather scathing email which I am sure she hated me for.  So when I graciously invited her to the lunch but needed clarity on what she was and was not going to do-BAM She is YOUR daughter not mine.  Good than watch me plan a very simple INEXPENSIVE reception.  Oh I am raging!  She is starting to remind me of things!  Ugh!

[Iphi]

Gaining Strength, I love your posts.  You have a way with words and a really deep understanding of N's BS.

"She wants to look good and she intends to destroy or sabotage you on the way."

Yes!  That is always the way!  That is the game.  No matter what they are calling it today - it is always the same.

"It is now a part of her nature.  Be wise and don't fall for her ploy.  Let her fund the reception or what ever portions she wants to and then give her the credit, loudly and visibly.  Why not?  It can be palatable only if it is to further you design rather than as a means of her power over you.  But she needs to think she is doing this as a power play.  Let her think that - and take control."

Yes! Get ahead of the game - it's always the same!  Just because you are playing her and winning does NOT make that wrong.  Hey, use your powers for Good.

[Hermes]

G.S. said:

"Overcomer - She does not listen but you do not hear."  "I so wish you could step back and achieve some objectivity.  You so want her to change - but she is not able.  We do see how manipulative she is and that she sabotages you over and over."

I agree with G.S.  You are not winning, and you will not win.  You cannot, with someone like that.
All it does is make you frustrated, unhappy, knots in your stomach.

All the best
Hermes