I need this anger thread. I am coming out of denial about my H. .I see that there are deep patterns in which he will give with one hand ,but push me down ,emotionally (badly) with the other .I am forced to look back and try to make sense of what happened to Scott. I need to sort it out in order to go on .
It was a '"normal" thing (in our family)that he would try to "turn my sons against me". He really could not, until Scott got in to the last years of high school. My kids and I were close b/c I stayed home . We built bonds based on spending time and doing activities ,together.
I was not strong enough or wise enough to get out, at any point along the way.My parents colluded with him and I felt totally alone and paralyzed.I became weaker and weaker.
I look back and see that my real problem ( and it WAS a real problem) was weakness. Scott did not see me as strong enough to go toe to toe with his F(to defend Scott) .
Once, my H held a heavy chair over my head . I thought he would smash it on me . Scott was in high school. He was standing across the room and told me that he would have beaten up his F, at that moment,if his F did not put down the chair. I was in denial of how bad it was b/c I was too weak to do anything.
So, these were the dynamics. Scott used to have dreams in which he would beat up his F.
What I did was abdicate my life.
My older son could face and talk about the truth ,but Scott kept trying to put his F as a role model. For Scott to "side with his F", he had to "disllike" his B and me, whom he really loved deeply.iI was a huge conflict for him and he felt guilty and would express it to me, crying.
When Scott was in high school, I started abdicating my life even more.
My H took Scott on college trips and Scott decided that my H would be his role model. He started pulling away ,emotionally ,from his B and me.
Scott wanted to be a doctor like my H. Scott thought that he would be a faliure,if he could not be a doctor. Scott started getting crazy ideas ,like if he could not be a doctor, he would be nothing. The irony was he could have easily been a doctor,if he wanted it.However, that is NOT the point. Scott got pulled in to "crazy" thinking b/c he stopped being honest. Then, his thinking got worse and worse over the last two years.
My role was weakness. I should have called the police ,COUNTLESS times.. I was too weak and Scott could have still been here ,if I had been strong enough to beat my H down.It was that simple, I think. If I could only have beaten him down,the way that I can do,now, with my M and him. So simple and yet ,so out of reach from where I was.
Could I have beaten him down? I guess not. I was too weak, by my NM and her lies, and then my H's lies and ,then, my own.I bellieved the lies, in whatever order they came.By then, I was underwater.
That is the story of my marriage. Now, my H wants me to tell him that it wasn't "his fault". Well, it was everyone's fault.He is very angry at me b/c I will not tell him that it was 'not his fault. He wants me to reassure him about his role and I won't. I am not the one that he should turn to to absolve his guilt. I have to face my OWN guilt and that is all.
I have goals. One is to get strong, which I will. Scott paid for my weakness, and now ,in honor of him, I will get strong.
I will go to a support group. I will take the Scripture,"Perfect Love Casts out Fear" and know ,again, that it WILL work, b/c the Scriptures always do what they promise.
So, as I get strong, I will see the way ,IF my eyes are open and I have dispensed with fear.
It is only a little over a week ,after Scott's death, but I I know my mistakes , I think. . The path will open so I can go forward,in the right way. Thanks for listening----so much.Any comments would be appreciated. Maybe, I am seeing ,incorrectly. I am open to suggestions. Ami