Emotional Communication

[Certain Hope]

This article offers very helpful information re: communication skills, including alot of stuff I never learned,
as we seek to form and engage in healthy relationships.

Connecting as a couple: Communication skills for healthy relationship

by Angela R. Wiley, Ph.D.
Family Life Specialist, University of Illinois Extension
Associate Professor, Human and Community Development
University of Illinois
http://ncsu.edu/ffci/publications/2007/v12-n1-2007-spring/wiley/fa-11-wiley.php


(This is not just for couples, imo)
Here's one excerpt:


"Emotional communication,
that is, the creation of relationship-relevant meaning within a couple for purposes of connection,
 is like the circulatory system of a relationship.
It allows meaning and sentiment to flow between partners. It is the system for paying attention to each other.
 Gottman and DeClaire (2001) argue “[m]aybe it’s not the depth of intimacy in conversations that matters. Maybe it doesn’t even matter whether couples agree or disagree. Maybe the important thing is how these people pay attention to each other.”

What is the basis of healthy communication patterns?
Intimacy begins when a partner shares or communicates something personal and important to them and the other partner responds in an encouraging way. This sharing of something important does not have to be explicit or direct. Often it is quite tentative and subtle.
Recently, researchers have begun to understand that the mundane everyday repeated interactions that couples have are at least as important as their conventionally intimate interactions and their conflicts (Driver and Gottman 2004).
Couples need to pay more attention to their “patterns of emotional engagement and responsiveness in contexts other than conflict resolution” (Gottman et al. 1998, 20).
The basic units of emotional communication during everyday interactions have been called the bid and the response (Driver and Gottman 2004). These units are so important that researchers can now predict relationship outcomes by observing the bid-response patterns in a couple’s everyday interactions.

The bid is an initiation of interaction (Driver and Gottman 2004).
It is the way a person expresses “I want to feel connected to you,” although it may have an endless variety of forms and content. That is, bids are often not a literal request for attention and connection but may be ostensibly about something else. For example, a woman might say to her husband, “Honey, I had a bad day today.” On the surface, this is a statement of fact. It provides the husband with information.
The bid may be verbal or nonverbal. A bid may be extended nonverbally, for example with a touch (maybe playful or flirty), a facial expression (a smile, a roll of the eyes, or cocked eyebrows), or a sound (a laugh, sigh, or snort).
If the person chooses to connect by verbal means, the form might be a question, a simple statement of perceived fact, an explicit invitation, or a fragment of a thought or feeling. A bid can be laced with an emotional overtone using tone of voice, word choice, or expression.

The response is how the other person handles the bid. Besides the specific content, a response can communicate that the respondent is paying attention to and cares about the bidder. Intimate partners generally expect their bids to be met with understanding and empathy. In the example, if the husband simply responded “Thanks for the information,” the wife would be greatly disappointed and probably irritated. She expects him to respond to her underlying need for his support and attention. Something like, “Oh, I’m sorry, honey. What happened?” Responses can be characterized as turning toward, turning away from, or turning against the bidder (Driver and Gottman 2004). A partner who turns toward may acknowledge the other’s statement, make eye contact, or touch the other’s hand. A partner who ignores the other’s statement or averts eye contact is turning away. Turning against the other may involve active negative responses such as responding contemptuously to a statement."


In order to be consciously more aware of how I'm interacting with folks in my life, I think I'll start to keep a little bid/response journal of my own...
should be very enlightening!

[Certain Hope]

This topic is of interest to me because... well, my husband's behavior can often appear to be rather ADD.

Besides... just in general, I notice my nerves getting jangled when exposed to folks who hop, skip, and jump from one topic to another... and my husband is a master at that - lol.

Also, I can get really uncomfortable when I don't understand someone's meaning... or if I think that they don't really care about my response to something they've asked - - as though, they're only going through the motions of communication, passing time until their own next opportunity to speak.

Those are just a few general observations in light of the fact that I'm realizing now... all of the above can be communications stoppers for me...
And I am the only one responsible for them! If I allow them to colour my perceptions of another person (who may simply have her/his own different, unique style)... maybe I'm the one who's tuning out!!

So from now on, I'm committed to paying far more attention to these "bids" for emotional contact... to recognizer them for what they are and  with an eye to the fact that a bid could be nothing more than a comment about the weather... and yet it's how I respond to that bid which may open or close the door to deeper contact. Will I receive it or reject it? If I'm stuck on my own personal requirements for how I define a meaningful exchange, then I am much more likely to reject it.

I also really like the next part of this article, from which I'm learning... and hope it may help others, as well:

Love,
Carolyn

Strategies for successful connection
How can partners connect in ways that enrich their relationship? There are many elements of successful communication. Researchers and practitioners agree that the following communication strategies are predictive of relationships that work.

Keep it clear. While they do not have to be verbal or direct, it is important that the emotional connection function of bids and responses be clear. Couple communication efforts can be ambiguous for different reasons:

there is a history of bids and responses being misunderstood or rejected
the partner is confused about what he or she feels and wants and so does not communicate clearly
the partner is not skilled at communication and does not know how to frame the bid or response and
the partner may want to connect with the other but may be too angry to communicate effectively.
Research has shown that those who are able to be clear about their underlying need for connection (an important function of the bid regardless of its form and content) are more likely to experience positive outcomes (Driver and Gottman 2004). The same is true for those who respond in ways that clearly support connection.

Keep it soft. Partners who master the ability to communicate “softly,” without being highly aggressive, contemptuous, or insulting, are more likely to get positive rather than negative responses. Those who use gentle humor and playfulness in their efforts and liberally sprinkle it throughout their interactions are more likely to have quality relationships that last (Driver and Gottman 2004). When most of a couple’s interactions can be characterized as having a soft-start up and using humor, their connection is generally strong even if they also are high in conflicts (Gottman 1993). This can provide a solid foundation for difficult times.

Keep it safe. The ways in which partners interact contributes to the emotional environment of the relationship. Healthy relationships require creating an environment of mutual care and validation (Coyne and Smith 1994). For example, being mostly engaged (as opposed to withdrawing), validating feelings and intentions, soothing, and unjudgemental in couple interactions are likely to create a safe environment where intimacy can flourish (Gottman 1994a). Honest, loving communication should be framed positively, without contemptuousness, blame, or sarcasm. Contemptuousness and criticism are highly predictive of relationship instability (Gottman 1994).

Keep it positive. A predominance of positive interactions is important if communication is to connect rather than isolate and alienate. A pattern of positive emotional interaction is built up over time (Fredrickson 2001). The amount of positive affect partners show one another, especially during conflict situations, is highly predictive of happy and stable relationships (Gottman et al. 1998). The emotional tone of everyday interactions seems to build a foundation for how positive couples will be during conflict (Driver and Gottman 2004). Generally, positive individuals care about how their partner’s day went and how they are feeling. They try to make their partner feel good about themselves. They try to be romantic and fun with their partner. When having disagreements, they attempt to be patient and understanding with their spouse and cooperative when resolving disputes. A positive response does not always mean saying “yes” or agreeing. But it does mean responding in an attentive way that is respectful of the other’s basic need for connection.

Gottman reports greater success in relationships where there is more positive bidding and more positive responding (Driver and Gottman 2004). A bidder who gets a positive response is more likely to bid again than one who does not. It is clearly a case where more is better (as long as these are positive). Those who are more attentive or mindful in their relationships are likely to have more success than those who simply allow life to flow unheeded around them. Attentiveness to personal needs allows one to clearly bid for a partner’s attention. Likewise, mindfulness of that partner’s needs means that the individual is able to frame bids positively and also engage in more turning toward responses to the partner’s bids for connection.

[Hopalong]

Hi Carolyn hon,

I think sometimes it's easy to bang into another person's reflexive taking offense. And not realize that's what we're banging into, and feel a compulsion to fix it. To make it right.

That is SO hard. To just let misunderstandings exist.

I find that if I try to clear up every single one, I'd never do anything else.

And taking offense when it's possible to interpret things another way is a maladaptive thing that wounded people can easily confuse with healthy self-defense.

I have internal hissy fits sometimes. Sometimes they're grounded in true offense, other times my ego's on a rampage.

love,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Thank you so much, dear Hops,

That was just exactly what I needed to hear. I do get overly anxious about taking responsibility for every misunderstanding and then trying to clear it up.

I also understand what you mean about taking offense... and how important it is to consider whether a thing might be differently interpreted. The thing is - - when it's involving someone with whom I'd really like to build a more solid, secure, basis of relationship, I tend to want something more than a doubt on which to build. But it's just like choosing battles wisely, I'm sure... just as vital to choose wisely the issues on which to attempt clarification.

Hops... mostly, it's that... when nobody before has ever really wanted to know you, it's such a leap to say - hey, you, may I show you who I really am?  Yanno?
But I did that with you and it all worked out okay... for the most part    And you are welcome to hissy your fits my direction any time 

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

And here's a fitting quote, I think...

"If a word can be interpreted more than one way, it probably will be."

 

Murphy's law on communication.

[Confounded]

Thanks for the food for thought.  I am familiar with Gottman.  But I need to contemplate this further, in view of the special circumstances surrounding the way that N's think about themselves and their partners, how they communicate, and very specifically, how one deals with an N's N-rage.

Discussions with an N are essentially futile.  I don't like saying this.  But is perfectly clear to me after years of attempted communication, and no real progress, around certain issues.  The endless complaints about everything that the N doesn't like will NOT stop.  After years of enduring the Chinese water torture of negative comments about everyting I do, think, believe, prefer... in short, everyting I am, I have taken matters into my own hands.  I have stopped responding.  In Gottman's words, I have turned away.  The N consistently turns against me, and I have turned away as my default mode.  I can turn toward, at times.  But I am always ready to simply remain silent, and also walk away, as needed.

I listen to what is said to me.  But I do not necessarily reply.  I have disengaged.  I know that talking with the N will eventually lead to his getting angry.  That's the way N's are.  Sooner or later, they have a fit about something.  I have spent years watching the N during relatively happy times, always mindful of the fact that it was just temporary.  Rather than continue in the nerve-wracking mode, constantly wondering what it will be that ruins our good time, I have simply stepped back.  I do not get invested in the outcome of anything involving the N.  Whatever the N wants to do will be fine.  I may or may not join in.  In any case, I will say little about it.  The N can always have the last word, as far as I am concerned.  By now, my thoughts are known to the N.  I need not reiterate.

There will be no further discussion of "us."  It makes no difference.  The N cannot accept the idea that N's behavior could ever be a problem.  Anything that goes wrong must be someone else's fault.  So be it.  It has been my fault for attempting to communicate with the N as if I might get a reasonable reaction, when I have known for some time that expect it or not, it's NOT going to happen.  N thinking is not voluntary.  It is automatic.  My particpation is what is voluntary.  I have opted out.  Silence is golden.

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Confounded,

Thank you for your post! If I'm hearing you correctly, I agree with you that this info/approach might be irrelevant (or even dangerous) when dealing with npd.
At least with my ex-husband, it was dangerous... but then, I do believe that he is something more than N.

But either way, you have my absolute agreement re: the special circumstances surrounding the way N's think and communicate...
I know that N-rage well;
it has no ears...
but is utterly deaf to all but absolute flattery and worship.

You wrote: "N thinking is not voluntary. It is automatic."

And I definitely see what you mean. Makes me wonder, though, how npd manages to control it somewhat when under threat of penalty by undeniable authorities, such as the police.
Fear of punishment does seem to rein N in.

At this point, my own interest in this info (about effectively expressing emotion in communication) is more for general purpose use, in dealing with those who are probably not npd, but may
indeed present various other challenges. I want to be able to attempt communication even with those who are not necessarily "safe", yet who fall short of being "disordered".
Mostly, trying to get a handle on some of the grey areas, as I shake loose from old black-white thinking myself.

Since Npd-ex, I know that I've been highly keyed into the narcissistic and other difficult traits of people (including myself!) which make communication a struggle...
and so I want to try to practice moving beyond the stumbling blocks, with an eye to the fact that not all communication challenges involve people who are desperately personality disordered.

Hope that makes sense.



Thanks for your input, Counfounded... looking forward to hearing from you again!

Carolyn

[Hopalong]

Okay, Carolyn...
here it comes....

A HUGGY FIT!

(((((((((((((Carolyn)))))))))))))            (((((((((((CAROLYN!))))))))))))))       ((((((((((((((carolynnnn)))))))))))))

Hops

[teartracks]

Hi Carolyn,

I guess I respond well to cagegorizing things.  Having the bid/response interaction categorized is very appealing to me.

Thank you.

tt

[Certain Hope]

LOL oh, dear, (((((((((((Hops))))))))))  ... you made me croak out loud!  lolol... umm... tt may appreciate the irony of this, as well... today I have... laryngitis! Not a sound that's intelligible shall escape my lips... but that laugh wouldn't be withheld... lol

thank YOU!! 

Tt...  I'm not sure to what I respond well, but this description clicked with me, so maybe we have something in common here, with this categorizing thing! Thanks for telling me... it helps!

Big pictures and categories...  little details in categories... oh my, what a team... (((((((((((tt))))))))))))

Love to you both,
Carolyn

[Confounded]

Carolyn,

You may already know about Gottman's Love Languages.  I find that concept really interesting, as well.  Once you figure out what love language somebody uses, you can observe the meaning of their behaviors much more insightfully.

More generally, I find myself wondering how easily some people are able to "read" other people, from their clothing, knowing their occupation, little gestures, language, etc.  We all "read" people.  But I wish I had more training in this area.  At the risk of sounding hopelessly naive, I admit that I was somewhat shocked to learn that police officers commonly lie.  Lawyers know this.  I did not.  But then I thought how certain people, who want to exert their own authority on others, may self-select into police work, and may not allow a little thing like the truth get in the way.  Not that all police officers would do this.  But some certainly would.  Kind of like not all priests are pedophiles.  But some pedophiles certainly do self-select into that line of work, and other jobs where children and trust are plentiful.   

As for N's ability to control N-rage when that rage might result in dire consequences, I think it's always just a matter of time.  They can control it, for a period of time.  But eventually it will build up to a point where they will get mad, again.  In fact, if they are forced to control it, because the police are called, for example, they will have another thing to be mad about.

I find that the N has to sleep off the N-rage.  Usually, it can't be set aside, and will not go away, until N wakes up the next morning.  Then it's gone.  But one knows that it's just a matter of time before it will return.  Poor things.  If they knew how fricking retarded they seemed when they were having one of their little N-rage attacks, surely they'd have to stop it, to save face.  Oh that's right.  They'd just get mad, again. 

[axa]

Confounded,

Emotional communication with an N...............Oops there goes a pig flying past my window!!

I agree with every word you said.  I have a real need for clairty in communication and will ask for clarification to avoid misunderstanding.  My room mate has commented on how clear I am a number of times.  I could Not communicate with Xn because he had no desire for communication or his desire for communication was to create confusion.  Not communicating is the most healthy direction when it comes to Ns.  Also, I have experienced the Nrage when I began to pull the threads apart and really hear what he was saying............. they don't like it when you reflect back their confused contradictory mess of words.  In some ways I communicated too much, being honest in the hope of creating a safe space for us to communicate so he read me like a book and knew my vulnerable places.  I also remember the next day!!! when he would wake up and everything would have passed...........well on the surface, Mr All Smiles would snuggle up with me but it was only a matter of time before the next attack happened.

With regard to people lying, well I think this is very interesting because I felt like this also.  I could not believe that people would knowling distort the truth for their own satisfaction, sure I knew it in theory but No, I did not believe adults did this.  That has been a big problem for me, trusting too easily.  Most people IMO are decent but nobody deserves my trust until they prove they are trustworthy............. still shocked at how easily people lie......... which is always followed by the big WHY.  Now I realise it does not matter why I just don't want to be around them.

hugs,

axa

Yuck, My God but it was sooooooooooooo crazy.

Axa

[Confounded]

Thanks Axa.  What you said got me thinking...  It seems to me that one of the reasons I'm findng it impossible to cut the strings, leave, divorce, nuke my life, start allover again, is that my H isn't a full-blown N.  He is diagnosis isn't NPD, it's N tendencies.  So he is able to communicate in a normal-enough way much of the time.

When things are going well, his outlook is, "I'm perfect.  That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. ".  But when he's at the crazy end of his range, his outlook is, "I'm perfect, and now I'm really mad, because you just said something to the contrary."  Hard to leave the nicer side of him.  Hard to stay with the crazy side of him.

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Confounded,

The Love Languages concept/book with which I'm familiar is by Dr. Gary Chapman, in the context of learning how to best show love/appreciation for someone by identifying his/her love language (i.e. verbal affirmations, acts of service, etc.).
Within a "normal" relationship, I think that stuff is very helpful, but NPD does not fit that bill... :S

And I dunno about reading people... I have a hunch that many folks might think that they're good at it, but alot of that has to be based on stereotypical presumptions, doesn't it? But I know what you mean... like about the police officers lying - - I, also, was always so naive as to accept a positive stereotype about law officers.
I guess maybe the moral is - toss aside all sterotypes? As a general guideline, they may provide some useful hints, but I can also see the dangers.

About the rage, my ex was generally very passive aggressive in displaying that, until the end... when I really believe that it was only his fear of the law
which prevented him from physically destroying me. Besides, he was primarily a cerebral N... you know, the sort who prides himself on his superior intellect... heh.
fruit loop.

Those temper tantrums N is having... the ones that don't stop till he's slept them off... is he willing to consider medication to level off some of his mood symptoms?
I'm just wondering how he handled his diagnosis of N-tendancies, C... does he know? And how long have you two been married?
If you've covered all of this in previous posts, I'm sorry... I don't recall and have to leave in a bit here... just I really relate to your "hard to leave the nicer side of him".
I understand.
Ex would never admit his possible need for mood stabilizers or undergo a thorough psych eval.
If he had been willing to consider that... we might have been able to remain together.
As it was, he continued in his aggressive spiral downward to the point of putting me in fear of my life.
When I acted on that fear and had him removed from our home by the law, he filed for divorce.

Hugs, Confounded... I'm sorry it's so hard. I hope you'll keep posting, because that seems to help draw out the points which need to be addressed... the ones that can get lost in the tangle while in the midst of N stuff.

and ((((((((Axa)))))))))

and ((((((((Bean))))))))  ugh, don't get me started on ADD tendancies... lol.. what you described with the directions is an everyday occurrence here

Love,
Carolyn

[Confounded]

Carolyn,

You are quite right about Dr. Gary Chapman.  I am sorry to say that all of this stuff, Chapman, Gottman, etc., seems to have been through the blender in my mind.  I wasn't planning to require this much information about relationships.  I watch my H expend lots of energy on acts of service (his language), all the while sprinkling the day with his complaints about everything related to me, which hurts me in my language (words of affirmation).  He has no clue, even though we were both exposed to Chapman's Love Languages by our first (of three) counselors.  I have a clue, but no real plan.  This was supposed to be my GOOD second marriage, the one that went really well...

Yes, H is aware, technically, of the N tendencies diagnosis. But in his mind, everything must be someone else's fault.  So the diagnosis is without merit from his point of view.  Either there is no problem, or and I am the problem. 

It's fairly messy stuff.  H was a widower, whose first wife is said by people other than H to have been extremely passive and depressed.  Evidently, she was not very bright (died of colorectal cancer, which is exactly what the EPA advises one to expect if one grows tomatoes in the puddled run-off from a lawn treated with the ultra-toxic chemicals they used).  I don't really know what she experienced in their marriage, since H is not a reliable source of information about his reality.  I do know that H has reported instances of his raging at her when she did things he didn't like.  I also know that a neighbor who is a high-level pro in the field of psychology told me that H's first wife broke down crying in the front yard one day, when asked about the family's plans for Halloween.  She regarded H's first wife as being an extremely depressed woman, and given her training I figure she ought to know. 

The point is, H has been married to two very different women, and I gather that BOTH of us have suffered some very deep psychic pain.  In the early years of our 5.5 years together (4.5 married) H used his first wife's memory to hurt me, by comparing me to her when he and I disagreed.  He can't do this anymore, as I actually checked that out, and learned that others painted a rather sad picture.  So that tactic no longer works with me.  For a time he used violence to try to scare me into submission.  The police came twice.  The second judge told him that he did it again he was going to prison.  He has never done anything like that since.  As you have noted, fear of legal consequences changes N's thinking about his options.  On this level, I note that there has been progress.  The times when he can see into his craziness and laugh about it are real progress. 

He still continues to turn his anger on me, as he did his pathetic first wife.  Sometimes I think of him raging at her, such a weak person, and it makes me feel worse for her than I feel for myself.  It is clear to me that he really did prefer his first wife over me.  Basically, he assumed that I was going to be the new and improved version of his first wife (she was his first and only GF, prior to me, so lack of any other relationship experience contributed to the absurd assumption).  He was going to marry me, and his life was going to be just as it was before his first wife died, only better!  In me he found a brainy MBA (he's also an MBA), fit, successful, refined, and responsive to his touch.  Much better!  That is, until I had an opinion...  One of the first was, "Why did you plant tomatoes there? You can't grow those there.  The water full of toxic chemicals runs off the lawn, and pools at the base of the plants.  That will end up in the fruit.  It's toxic.  It will kill you."  To this he answered, "We have always done this and nothing happened."  The dead wife didn't even cross his mind, and actually it hadn't crossed mine immediately.  I just knew it was a terrible idea.  When I realized that there very well might be a connection...  I felt so bad for the first wife.  She had no clue.  I had to do a whole research project, including calling the people at Scott's to prove to him that it was a bad idea.  In the meantime, I took photos of the pooled water, removed the plants, and threw them in the garbage.  But this was the first of many instances where he had no clue, and basically freaked out when I gave him one, on a silver platter.

Bottom line, he wants to dominate, but he doesn't have the stuff.  I have no real need to lead.  I'm very happy to follow the lead of somebody with a better idea.  I love being around people who know more than I do.  I actually joined Mensa, partly to add credibility to my opinions in the ridiculous arguments that I used to get into with H.  In the professional world, I got used to having people interact logically with me, seek my opinion, bring me their problems for solutions, and I delivered. 

We're kind of a weird match.  He wants to be in charge, and never hear that he has it wrong.  But he married somebody who's actually a bit smarter than he is, and who needs to be valued for that intellect.  I'm not tall and blond.  I speak no other languages.  I play no musical instruments.  I am accustomed to being valued for my mind, and my mind threatens him because I know things that he doesn't know.  I feel so sorry for him.  He makes a complete fool of himself.

He used to play a video game in which he was the ruler of the world, called Civilization II.  I threw it away, because it seemed to exacerbate his N tendencies.  In the game all who approached him bowed down, showed absolute deference, etc.  Here in the real world, we (my daughters and I) find him to be a little lazy, a bit of a laggard, and prone to forgetfullness.  Based on this, the idea of him being in charge of a kingdom is absolutely laughable.  He hates this, although on some occasions, when his N isn't activated, he agrees.  He wants me to get him a new Civ II disk on eBay.  No way.  As harmless as it might sound to some, I am sure that putting that back into his life would be enabling his mania.  I got rid of the first disk, replaced it on eBay in a moment of weakness, and then got rid of the second disk.  I have never, and will never, replace it.  When one of my kids started imitating Yu-Gi-Oh! acting like a fierce warrior who could slice me in half with her imaginary sword, all the Yu-Gi-Oh! stuff went bye-bye too.  I know.  She's a little girl and he's an adult (or so it says on his driver's license).  But the situation is the same essentially, and somebody has to be the grownup around here.  Unlike the N, I can examine my own feelings, and I am concerned that a tiny part of my reason for taking it away may be punitive, which is not good.  Since it is not the primary motivation, I will just have to keep it in mind.

I think that he would like it if I would just die, and he could start over with somebody else, somebody who could never activate his insecurities.  For myself, I just want to be married to somebody who appreciates me.  Being faulted for my strengths is so horribly painful.  I feel trapped.  Too hard to leave, the status quo wins out.

So I have withdrawn.  But this is no real solution.  I am stuck.  I need to get a new job (I work from home and that is a terrible situation for me).  I feel afraid to apply for jobs.  Fear of rejection, fear of screwing up, fear that if I get a great job he will use my financial status against me in a divorce.  All of these are exaggerated fears, as none of them are very likely.  I am having a hard time keeping my fears from overriding my logic.  I have become more introverted in this relationship.  It is difficult for me to make myself reach out to people now.  Plus, again as someone who is actually in touch with my own motivations, stupid as I may find them to be, I am aware that on some level I don't want to strive for a great job, because that would benefit my H.  He is against me, so I don't want to do anything for him, even if that decision is bad for me.  It's just a tiny factor, but one which piles on with the rest, the fears, and I can hardly do anything. 

Thanks for listening to me.  I need to get my sh*t together.  I am wasting my life...