hate men

[elculbr]

Hello,

I'm a nineteen year old college student. I suspect my Father is a narcissist or sociopath. I was abused by him physically and emotionally my whole life until I went NC with my family less than a year ago. I didn't realize the full extent of my anger until going away to college. This freedom caused my repressed hatred of men to surface. I am very much repulsed and disgusted by them and if I could remove them from earth I would.

Well, I just want to know if there is anyone who hates men as completely as I do?

[teartracks]

exculbr,

Hi.  Good to see you back on the board.  No, I don't hate men.  But had my experience been like yours I might have.  Bring us up to date.  Are you still working at the library?

Affectionately,

tt

[Certain Hope]

Hi, El,

I'm so glad you are able to speak up about your feelings here. Do you have anyone with whom you can talk face to face about this?

I don't hate men, but I've felt some extreme revulsion and disgust toward certain personalities (especially controlling women)
because of family history.

Welcome... and I hope you'll share more about how you're feeling and find some relief in the encouragement and support which are available here.

Carolyn

[Gaining Strength]

"I went NC with my family less than a year ago."

I'm impressed that you would have that emotional wherewithall to go NC at such a young age.  I hope you have a suport system to replace the family that was not and is not there for you. 

Does your haterd of men bother you or are you comfortable with it?  Does it get in your way with school or work or social life?

[Bella_French]

Hi El,

My Dad was gentle and kind, but I still went through a  phase of hating a lot of male behavior, especially when I was younger and more exposed to the worst of it. LOL, theres so much to hate! Rape, stalking, harassment, intimidation, violence, male pack behavior, lies to get you into bed, too much value placed on appearances, too little value placed on appearances, disrespect, disregard, cheating, glass ceilings , and thats just in my town, and in my life!

I don't hate men in a personal way, and I'm not as wound up about things as much as I used to be, because mostly I am not exposed to so much bad behavior. Though I've got to admit, i was miffed the other day when I was walking in the park, and a guy was peeing. When he saw me, he turned around and pee'd in my direction, to expose himself at me! Thats the second time its happened in that park in the last 6 months, and I live in the `good part' of a good town! Grrr..

El, Have you actually had any bad experiences with guys apart from your Dad, or do you think that your hate is unfounded? I was just wondering.

X bella

[Hopalong]

Hi El...
Welcome back, dear.

I hated men for a while in my 20s when my first consciousness-raising was sinking in. It was so painful when the realities of sexism became more clear to me, and every assertive male in my path was in danger of being loathed.

Not for a long time, though. I was very lucky to have a kind, gentle father, who offset the harm of a bully brother.


Tell us more?

love
Hops

[Ami]

Dear El,
  I think that it is "natural" for you to "hate"  men ,based on your conditioning. It would be an outgrowth of your relationship with your monster father.
 *I* hear you wanting to change it ,and that is why you asked the question(IMO).  You probably  will want a connection with a man,at some point, b/c it is built in to us, as humans.
  So, you find yourself in a huge dilemma.
 You are doing the first right thing, asking a question and seeking out  advice.
  For me, it is harder to trust woman than men b/c my M was more of a 'monster" than my F.
  I think that how we are conditioned is the key to our fears,in this area.
  I know that other's here will be able to add more .
  Keep Sharing, El. You have touched everyone's hearts  ,from the first day you posted.            Love   Ami
 

[write]

why hate anyone- hate is a learned response which will damage you badly. We can't live fully whilst hating.

19 is very young to have written off so many people! I am raising a son- would you hate him?

Glad you are here, many people here have had abuse and pain and kept or brought love alive inside of them- the best tool for recovery we have all found is a good counsellor. Therapy can deal with your pain and anger.

Love
~Write

[Gabben]

Hi elculbr,

Your feelings of hatred are OK. Your anger is OK. I'm sorry that you have had to endure so much pain, my heart feels tender compassion for you. Hugs.

Perhaps it is easy for you to say that you hate men in general than it is for you to get angry at your father and direct the hatred and anger that you feel towards him AT him and not all men? It might because directing it at him threatens your sense of survival and security?

Not all men are bad and hurtful. That is black and white or all or none thinking (I'm sure you know that) --it is OK too but to begin to see that other men in this world are OK and they can be quite good, loving and safe too is a better view of reality, you have to reach for that truth, God will show good and caring men, if you ask.

I hated men too for a while. I was raped at the age of 11 while walking to school at gunpoint. It took me many years to get in tough with my anger and rage. When I did, I just stayed with the old hurt and anger, not acting on it or acting out, it slowly has worked its way out of me for that situation.

Do you have a therapist? Someone you can talk about the memories of your abuse and trauma with. I hope you stay here an continue to seek compassion and sympathy from us as well as just ear to vent to. Also, I hope that you do seek a counselor with training, if you have not already, it will help.

I hope this helps.

Lise

[Gabben]

why hate anyone- hate is a learned response which will damage you badly. We can't live fully whilst hating.

Write this is very true but for those of us who were brought up in homes without the freedom to express our emotions we had our anger and hatred frozen and made to be ashamed of.  Children naturally feel and express hate at abuse, it is normal.  But we don't make them wrong for it. As we grow, if we are raised in loving homes, we will learn that hatred is a useless emotion and we will naturally outgrow it or make better choices as we begin to see that the world is not black and white.

But to be abused by the very person who was supposed to love us, well sure at some point in the healing process we are going to find hatred in our hearts.

Thank goodness that elculbr  is getting in touch with this now and not later in life after years of repressing it. She is doing well for her age and what she has been through.

Hatred is understandable in abuse cases and something to be worked through and resolved -- not condemned.

Lise

[Hermes]

Hello Write:

I second your post, and what you say.  I don't think hate is a productive emtoion, and it has a bad habit of turning on one. 

I am very much against the polarisation of men and women, as in "men are all bad", and "women are all good". 

You could get bitten by one dog, for example, get a bad fright, but that does not mean all dogs are bad, quite the contrary.

All the best
Hermes

[elculbr]

I'm impressed that you would have that emotional wherewithall to go NC at such a young age.  I hope you have a suport system to replace the family that was not and is not there for you.  

-gaining strength

You wouldn't be impressed if you knew what they were like. I stopped therapy. It was boring and a waste of time: the stupid people at student health kept telling me i have autism. I got off the anti-depressant on my own b.c. it gave me headaches. After 5 months the off-campus therapist still hadn't provided me wiith any insights. But I should have known better than to trust the establishment.

Someone asked if I direct hate at my F. Yes and No. Yes in that I confronted him verbally/physicaly 2 years ago in big family fights. No, in that I know it will make no difference. Hating him does not threaten my survival and security. It did when I was still living in that house. The hate is more of a rage that rises up were I'm around them (males). And I wish my F would just drop dead so the planet can be rid of him. But no. The good die young and the evil live a long, long, time. This has been my experience.

So my second sister will be graduating high school in May/June and will be gone to college. But as I know, the problems don't stop there. The youngest sister is starting to feel the burn. She has 5 more years in that house. And she says she is starting to hate it there and she just wishes pain and suffering on everyone. You see, I don't believe in god and i don't fear hell. Because this is hell. Hell is being stuck,powerless in a prison and being tortured with no means of escape and you just have to deal with it and you see no end out of it b.c. there is no end. That is hell and that is earth.

And the F is still watching me. He's been checking my finances at the financial office with my SS#. And I may just have to drop out for the university is being noncooperative regarding certain procedures*. And that's just typical.

*The University has a policy that one is financially bound to one's parents until one is 26, meaning that one must count their assessts as your own, even if one accepts no money from them. Meaning i need their tax documents for the 2007 session or else I can't apply for finanical aid and I have to drop out. And the "Commitee" has yet to meet regarding my letter. And it will take a month for a response. I can't transfer to a state school either b.c. federally the age is 23. So I would have to drop out until I turn 23 just to finish my BA at a state school-but that is back in FLorida and I may no longer be in the system there. typical.

I hate that everyone trust parents just b.c. they donated an egg and a sperm.

Hermes-I'm so sick of ppl saying: hate is not a productive emotion" Yes it is. it keeps you alive. Otherwise it would not have been developed along with the other emotions...from an evoluntionary perspective.

it's amazing how one person has the power to exert so much control and ruin so many lives. I knew something was up when M said F would "leave me alone" so he has been watching me these last few months. And this situation still gives him power b.c. he can decide not to bother me. So the Lord has granted its subject the "freedom" it so desperately craves. I'm seriously considering droping out at the end of this semester and joining the Peace Corps-and go to Senegal that why at least I can learn French.

[Hermes]

Dear Elcul:

Well, a lot of traits, undesirable and more desirable and useful, were developed by evolutionary processes.  And hate is corrosive and can eat into your heart and soul. However, you are of course, free to hate, if that is what you want to do.  No one can stop you. 

I am so sorry you have had such a terrible family life, that has caused you to feel like this. 

You mention joining the Peace Corps to go to Senegal.  You might well learn French there, although I imagine the idea of joining the Peace Corps is for other more altruistic reasons.  Yes?  It could indeed be a good idea, and one way or another would possibly change your life forever.

Take care
All the best
Hermes

[Gabben]

it's amazing how one person has the power to exert so much control and ruin so many lives.

elculbr,

Thanks for sharing all of this. It may seem that one person has the power to ruin your life but they only have as much power as you give them or allow them.

I wanted to add that you are now free, or safe, you no longer have to give your father power over your life to ruin it. It is your life and you can take that power back, again, in other words, you were powerless when you were young to stop the abuse but now you can stop it, you can take your life back.

There is a distinction between hateful feelings and our hateful actions. When we can fully express, with non-hurtful words and language, our negative feelings towards someone who has hurt us, it helps release...it helps to release so that we can get to what is really underneath the hatred and feel the hurt. Hatred is a defense against our pain and against the world that has hurt us -- I see you reaching to be healthy -- don't stop reaching and seeking healing.

My point to you elculbr is to not act out your hatred by choosing to buy the lie that all men are hurtful and uncapable of genuine love but rather to help you see that your anger and hurt are the wound that need to be healed and hatred is just a symptom of that wound.

May God bless you and watch over you with comfort and great care.

Hugs,
Lise

[write]

I stopped therapy. It was boring and a waste of time: the stupid people at student health kept telling me i have autism.

you're very young elculbr. My experience was similar, I would not accept my diagnosis of bipolar one ( manic depression ) for many years because it just wasn't the whole picture nor did I find the advice I was getting on how to deal with it either useful or accurate!

It's so much easier now twenty some years later to assert myself and find the solutions which will work for me. I know now that things are not as polarised as they seem: good/ bad, correct/ wrong, useful/worthless....but for a long time I couldn't see things don't have to be all or nothing. I 'threw the baby out with the bathwater' so to speak!

Hatred is understandable in abuse cases and something to be worked through and resolved -- not condemned.

the title of the thread is 'hate men'. To hate all men because of what one man did or does is more abuse. And I don't accept it's a good way to work through abuse either- hatred causes physical illness, stress, poor decision-making and problem-solving & is a form of attachment. Many people get 'stuck' in recovery throguh unwillingness to let go of hatred.

Anger is understandable in abuse cases and something to be worked through and resolved, hatred is a byproduct which hopefully the loves, support, encouragement and assistance of others will help to avoid.

To hate is to be unhealthy, there are better and constructive ways to overcome abuse than to develop a blanket hatred for any group.

If hate helps someone detach from an abuser then it has served a purpose but all people in recovery from abuse also know that it keeps that abuser prominent in your life and psyche. Letting go and moving on are the ultimate goals because you have a wonderful personhood to express and grow into elculbr and you don't need to do anything which will stand inthe way of your peace and hapiness.

Don't give up on the idea of therapy even if it takes time to find the model or person works for you.

I'm so sick of ppl saying: hate is not a productive emotion" Yes it is. it keeps you alive. Otherwise it would not have been developed along with the other emotions...from an evoluntionary perspective.

you are traumatised and our reactions become what have been termed 'reptile-brained' or instinctive at a lower order level. It is very obvious in our world today that hatred simply keeps people stuck dealing with situations in ancestral patterns. War, hunger, inaction against injustice, selfishness result. Survival is more than scrapping over land or possessions, just as feeling alive is more than having surges of powerful emotions.

Bringing your anger here is a healthy thing; being angry in a safe way is useful. Hating men will bring you more pain into your life, because there are good men and women who will help you through all this and love you if you let them.

Love
~Write