Struggling - seesaw up and down - yet again.

[Gaining Strength]

One of the ways I get stuck is that by addressing something that is shaming actually intensifies the shame.  As I work today on cleaning in my home I am deeply, shatteringly struck by the intensity of the shame.  If I stop and do nothing the shame is moderated.  That is the pattern of paralysis.

I must overcome this pattern.  I am so close.

[Gaining Strength]

something about perfectionism going on, and something about feeling so alone in my life, without help.
For me too.  I definitely get this.

I emailed all my friends at church and said I REALLY needed two hours' help Sunday afternoon, and insisted that it be a barter...so I can offer someone else two hours of my time with something they'd like to not do on their own. A lovely woman from my Covenant Group came and walked me through Mom's accounts, we got it balanced, and it eased my mind so much.
This is brilliant.  Why don't you do this with the filing.  Invite someone over to tea and help.  I find just having someone else present is a tremendous help.  They don't have to file just be present and encourage.

[Gaining Strength]

A good day.  A good night last night.  I felt things breaking through, things lightening up, as though I would be able to function more freely.  I woke up and actually got up with out any struggle, a whole half hour earlier than usual.  So my little boy and I got dressed and walked the dogs down to the village in the freezing cold for muffins and coffee before getting him off to school.  It was a GREAT start to the day. 

The normal fear of not functioning just wasn't there.  Before school - we walked the dogs, got a muffin, had breakfast, I changed the sheets and did a load of laundry.  That's a pretty good morning. 

When I got back home I shut down again for a couple of hours but I identified and countered the negative thoughts and what do you know - I actually broke through and got to work.  As I worked, I got bogged down in intense shame.  I identified the problem and countered the negative feelings and kept working.  I got a tremendous amount of laundry done.  And then I got the things done for my little boy's valentines.  We made some adorable pink and red elephants with hearts, folded in half for ears.  Inside the hearts are stamped in pink ink cute little valentine's messages and my son's name.  Then hidden inside the elephant belly are red, white and pink MMs.  They are adorable and he loved doing them together.

It made my day.   I am breaking through.  I am hopeful.  I am thankful.

[Ami]

OH GS
 I am SO happy to hear your progress. Keep writing and sharing ,everything. I want to go on your journey with you,out of shame. I have so much to share,but have to leave ,now. I will write later.
  GS, you are doing it, you really are, you are taking the broken pieces of your life and knitting them together.You may stumble along the way,but you are using the stumble to propel you on. I was so happy and encouraged to read your post, today.        Love    Ami

[Leah]

(((( GS ))))

Amazing transformation is clearly ongoing and your inner strength is breaking through that old 'iceberg' you mentioned that had crack, wide open, it seems.

So uplifting to read your account of your day, in overcoming, and rising up, over and above, those emtions, freeing and liberating, for your inner self.  Truly wonderful to know this and sense it.

I was gladdened in my heart to read of the creative pleasure enjoyed with your dear little boy.  Enjoy your day, with him.

Leah x

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  I am on a journey out of shame and "bad'"messages, as you are. Sometimes, you feel like you want to give up and give in. Sometimes, you feel,"Why try?". I am speaking for myself, here.
  You inspire me ,GS, to keep on going. I am awaiting more chapters in your story!         Love   Ami

(((((((((((GS)))))))))

[Hopalong]

More and more days when you can push through the shame...and go after things.
Including your joy.

SO happy to read this post, GS, I'm really glad you've found a piece of self-esteem.

Simply living, taking care of simple things like muffins...those are sooooo healthy.
And your cleaning is about the dirt, it's not about you.

So inspired and glad,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you Ami, Leah and Hops.  This has been a really nice couple of days.  I am close to actually looking forward to getting up.  Things are definitely changing. 

Thanks for your encouragement.

[Gaining Strength]

Just a quick note because I am limited with time.

I am dealing with difficult things today.  Things others wouldn't understand as difficult.  Petty legal issues left over from my husband's death that I have been paralyzed to deal with.  And some things with my father and some things with my mother and then off to pick up child.

I am thankful for the ability to access the strength and overcome the paralyzing judgment so long debilitating.  I know tings are shifting.  But in the past things have shifted and then settled again - stuck.  This time I believe things are shifting permanently and then I'll be free. 

It is hard to be hopeful but that is what I have been learning.  Only with hope (oh I do remember that you don't believe in hope Dr. G)  let me see - only with vision and changed thoughts will my reality shift.  I am changing my thoughts and changing my reality.  It's weird and doesn't feel right - so I have to overcome that sense. - later

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  I guess that as we go forward,we don't go in a straight line.
   I see you, as going forward, very much so.
  You may just be having a step backwards, which is probably part of the process. What do you think, GS?
  I am going forward in a zig --zagging way, too.
  I can see you going forward,GS.I really can.
  Sometimes, discouragement makes us feel as if we ,really ,have not made progress.
  I will write more on shame later. I  am an expert in it(lol)      Love  Ami

[Ami]

GS,
  I was thinking, as I was sitting ,here, that s/times we cannot muster up love(or even regard) for ourselves. Sometimes, we feel downright badly about ourselves.
  I think that we HAVE to reach out for God's love for us. People's and our own love ,for ourselves is fickle.
 That is the thought that I felt that I was "supposed' to share with you,right now. Tell me if it was helpful to you,GS.
                             Love    Ami

[Gaining Strength]

My path has certainly been a zigzag. Even in my darkest days I knew that I can be persistent.  That has helped me hold on.  I'm thankful things are shifting for me again, thankful that I can get more and more things done and not just sit and hope that I can get things done.

[Gaining Strength]

Have so much to clean up.  I should take pictures and post them as a motivator but I think there would be too much shame.  I am not producing but must push through.

I'm taking a challenge to post here later what I accomplished today.

[Leah]

Please know that I shall look forward to your posting later on, GS

Leah x

[Ami]

GS
 I am just "looking ' at my room , which Ann told me to make beautiful before she comes back. Ann is out of luck b/c it is the same ole mess she saw last time(lol)     Ami