What Do I Do Now?

[gratitude28]

Hi Guys,
Sorry to flood the board today, but I am finally ready to let this all out and I know you will be able to help me see straighter.

Here is how far I have come: I gave up my weekly calls to my parents about a year ago - I realized that I was the only one keeping up the pretension of normalcy. I was amazed at that time to learn that when I did not call they basically did not notice or care. I got over the guilt fairly rapidly. I did not go to visit them when we moved back. They came here (for two and a half days, and then, with a huge sigh of relief, took off for a week's vacation with my Uncle - is that love for my family or what?) The came a second time, again for two days. I have not gone to their house - I have told them we don't have the money (we didn't, but I could probably swing it now). Neither my husband nor I can bear the thought of sleeping covered in mouse turds and animal hair and smelling animal urine and pretending we are comfortble and happy. If we did visit, I could stay with my sister, but my dad, though he wouldn't say it would be offended. PLEASE help me be tough and JUST NOT GO. I don't want to and I can't see any reason to, but I am feeling that I 'should.' BTW, I also think they do not really care if I go. So this is all my mental gymastics and creations... what am I trying to gain/prove??????????
I could not go NC without a huge ruckus, and I feel my NM would just LOVE that. Plus I really believe that they think I adolize them as they feel I should...

Any thoughts? Ideas?

Love and desperation,

Beth

[Ami]

Why do you feel guilt for not going,Beth?Maybe, journal on that question. What hit me was  maybe YOU still want some semblance of family connection(down deep). Maybe, even though you are saying the words that you don't care, you really do. I could be way off, but thought I would pose it ,as a possibility.
                                                                   Ami

[axa]

Beth,

I think what Izzy said on your other post makes a lot of sense to me.  I believe when one is in the midst of contact with an N it is impossible to see the wood for the trees.  I am hearing what you are saying.  They do not miss your calls, they have shown no loss over your distance from them but where does that leave you?  I think having some time to be NC would give you the head space to work through some of this stuff.  From my experience the contact just keeps one fired up all the time with little possibility of processing what is going on.  I think acknowledging the huge step of not colluding with the fantasy of being in the race is such a big step which takes time to seep through.

IMO being in contact with the N keeps the drama going and keeps one away from oneself and the pain and loss of rejection.  I guess going NC, if you decide to do so, will bring up the real feelings of rejection and loss and these are so hard to bear.  Please be gentle with yourself

Can you consider some time out as a temporary thing, just for now, to find out what is going on for you, a time to take care of yourself, to feel the feelings and be soft with yourself

with hugs,

axa

[write]

Hi Beth, sorry you're having a bad day.

I was introduced to someone's family member yesterday, she had told me he would be obnoxious and he was, I didn't flinch, I didn't care, I acted with perfect graciousness. When he looked at my proffered hand as if he was going to spit on it I thought 'what would Jackie Kennedy do?!' and just kept holding it there & smiling- but not too smiling- until he caved.

So Dad gets offended- he's a grown up, he can deal with it.

If you want to go- go and have a good time whatever they do.

If you don't want to go, make your decision and be positive about it.

We dance around other people's strange perspectives and behaviours until we know the dance so well we can't stop moving even when we need to; if I'm going to dance from now on it's going to be my tune playing in my head! I won't write anyone off or be hateful or any other thing which upsets and hurts me or my son, but if other people want to tantrum I am going to JUST IGNORE THEM!!!! and be happy anyway.

If it's too toxic, I'd stay away, if there's part of you wants to go, then go.

'Should' and 'ought' are conditioned responses- usually conditionned by people who cause these internal conflicts.

I didn't talk to my dad for two years, during that time I wrote every week. He acknowledged none but the first two letters. He told my sister I am cruel and dragged my brother into his 'campaign'. I ignored it all. And though the relationships have settled back down to the same as before- and I know now I'm never goign to belong to The Waltons- I'm not harrassed since I made it clear there would be no contact if it didn't stop.

It's always hard even with relatively balanced people to convince them their behaviour is actually impacting negatively, but you need not feel guilty for asserting yourself and trying to make solutions- or for stepping away if they won't ever hear you or compromise their attitudes and behaviours.

Love
~W

[axa]

Write,

Loved what you wrote about dancing to your own tune.......working hard at heading in that direction also.

axa

[Certain Hope]

Dear Beth,

First off, flood away! This is the stuff that recovery's made of.

When I feel the way you're describing, I think it's about trying to prove that I've really forgiven them and gotten past it.
As though... I have to be able to stomache them and all their manure in order to say - I'm better now!!

That, I think, is the essential lie.

What do you think?

Hugs,
Carolyn

[Hopalong]

HENRY (slurp, lean, wiggle, total devotion)>>>> (((((((((( BETH ))))))) <<<<< VESMB (hugs, love, much understanding)

((((((((((((((((((((((((((BETH))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm very sorry it's hurting again, Beth...I know, it's like an old war wound.
Flares up with the weather and hurts like heck.

Much much love to you,
Hops

[gratitude28]

Thanks, (((((((((((((Hops)))))))))

Carolyn, I get to feeling so whole and separate from them, and then something somehow brings me back to this point! I am so irritated with myself for wasting my precious time on them...

Write, I think I do need to go ahead and step back from it all... it's just hard to be 'No Contaqct' when the other party has no idea you even have an issue with them... And I am trying to dance to my music

Ami, that is a good question... I am not sure at all about WHY I feel a need to keep up the facade... I really am not. One of you needs to shake me up and make me spill out what it is I want here!!!! I am at a loss as to what my intentions are toward them and why I try to keep up the image of all being OK.

Thanks all. I will go with no contact for the next while and see what comes to me. Please let me know if you have any more insights. I am really feeling confused and lost here.

Love, Beth

[teartracks]

Hi Beth,

It is a hard place to be.  I know.  Your heart pulls you one way.  Your head pulls you one way.  And the gut pulls you another.  It ends up that you have to negotiate between the three.  If in doubt, I say go with your gut. 

Love your wisdom and first things first approach here on the board.

Love,

tt

[Bella_French]

Dear Beth,

Its really nice to hear from you. I can most definitely relate. It will have been 2 1/2 years in May, since I last stayed with my parents. In May,  I have agreed to finally spend a week with them. Dad may be ill, and Mum has recently lost her 12 yo poodle, so this is mercy visit for me.

Its nerve wracking, isn't it? I sometimes regret the decision and want to back out. And  I can relate to your experience, in that this `stay' seems a bit intense to me, as I have managed to cut the level of contact down quite a bit.

It almost becomes a question of, `how much abuse can I take, and how much should I take' ? Because theres no way of being that close to my parents without forfeiting some part of my integrity, and most of my rights. Its only about them.

So far, I don't really `know' what I should do in the long term. But I have to honor my conscience, and I can't bring myself to hurt them, as much as they show no remorse for hurting me.  I do wish to show my parents respect, for raising me, and I do care about them. So the price I pay is spending some time with them once every couple of years.

I think I can handle it, and be selfless. But it still very confronting, with everything I have learned.

Anyway, I can support your decision either way. Some people prefer NC, and I see the wisdom in that too.

Hugs to you Beth!

X Bella

[Hopalong]

Hi Beth....

To try to answer your question about why the yearning, why is it so persistent...

Do you think it could have anything to do with being just recently home to the U.S.?

You've had an inter-country move, a husband at war, all kinds of upheaval in your life.
I think all that pyschic shaking-up would make anyone yearn for a Real Nuclear Family.

It's a deep drive, and it's terribly hard for us not to behave like human beings, that is, to "yearn and return" to the FOO even when our rational, less primitive selves know there is no comfort there.

So all I can vote for is for you to find comfort. That IS there...it's just we haven't found the "there" for you yet.

You deserve a community of close friends, safe, loving people.

Have you ever been to Quaker meeting?

love,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
 I echo Hops post. What is your "yearning"? What feelings are inside you that you are trying to "heal" by maintaining contact? That would be the direction I would take.
  Lise, the FOO "expert",IMO, helped me to see how  I was taking a present situation and putting FOO "overtones' on it. I was yearning, in the present situation, BUT, my yearning was for deeper,unmet needs as a child.
  It really, really helped me not to play out the unmet needs ,in the present situation.
  My guess is that you have deep yearnings and you are "medicating(trying to make them go away) by keeping the connection.
  Compost pile awaits(lol) ,if needed.             Love    Ami

[Gabben]

Beth,

Just to clarify, it sounds like you really do not want to go, correct? But out of fear and pressure is where your dilemma is coming?

First, I'm sorry for you pain and struggles, it's hard dealing with family. You have my sympathy.

How about putting the situation to the Higher Power test? Such as whenever we make decisions out of fear we are lacking faith. If going is out of your fear of not getting approval or whatever other emotional need that is coming up then who are you trusting?

Are fears generate more fears.

We will set ourselves up for hurt if we make decisions based on self, so that is the other test, is it selfish or not? Are you enabling them in anyway?

Hope that I am not being too in your face with this? Just tying to shine some light. Perhaps you already have worked through this stuff and know you are just in need of comfort for making the hard choice?

Remember -- One of our slogans is "Screw Guilt!"

Peace and hugs to you today,
Lise

[gratitude28]

Wow, I so appreciate all of the input here, and I think I am clarifying the situation a tiny bit (but I still feel a bit muddled).

Lise, I think I am not feeling guilt, and I feel guilty for not feeling any guilt. How sick is that???? I do ask my HP for guidance every night and say thanks for all I have... I think I do need to put this question out there for him/her to answer...

I guess, as you all pointed out, I am OK with not being NC, especially since I would have to explain in some way WHY I was NC. I think I feel a bit odd knowing that I know all this about our family, and they are so clueless. I feel lke I am looking at them through some microscope and being an outsider studying them. It is an odd place to be with the people you spent 18 years with... I guess I feel like they will figure me out and some point...

CB, yes, it is devastating to live like that. I used to identify that with me for so many years. Now I can see it as THEIR choice, and their embarrassment. Yet I am truly stunned each time I do go back there...

Hops, you know, this is the first time in years and years that we have been near so many dear friends. And I live near my dearest friend, with whom I talk about three times a day. I am so happy to be with her. I am not missing any connections, I don't think. So what is bugging me????

I have the odd situation of my sister wanting to be very close since I have retured. This is very new - it has been a decade since we were close. Yet, while she wants to be close, she wants to pretend out lives are normal with our family.

Ami, maybe in being happy with my children, I somehow do miss what I never had. I do ask myself at times why they did not want to spend time with me the way I do with my kids.

Bella, your words are exactly what I feel - I can't bring myself to hurt them, even though they hurt me...

TT... my gut... hmmm... my heart... my brain... sometimes I wonder if I have any of those, I get so confused!!!! LOL. I wish I knew what was where...

[Certain Hope]

Lise, I think I am not feeling guilt, and I feel guilty for not feeling any guilt. How sick is that???? I do ask my HP for guidance every night and say thanks for all I have... I think I do need to put this question out there for him/her to answer...

Beth,

Me, too.  I didn't realize exactly what was going on till you put this into words. Thank you.

And thank you, Lise, for suggesting the Higher Power test. I think that I'm afraid to stop being selfish where my parents are concerned.

Love to you both,
Carolyn